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I do. Magics there to be ruled, not for ruling.
Nanny nodded and then, remembering a promise, reached down and picked up a fragment of stone from the rubble on the tunnel floor.
I thought youd forgotten, said the ghost of the king, by her ear.
Further down the passage the Fool was capering after Magrat.
Can I see you again? he said.
Well . . . I dont know, said Magrat, her heart singing a smug song.
How about tonight? said the Fool.
Oh, no, said Magrat. Im very busy tonight. She had intended to curl up with a hot milk drink and Goodie Whempers notebooks on experimental astrology, but instinct told her that any suitor should have an uphill struggle put in front of him, just to make him keener.
Tomorrow night, then? the Fool persisted.
I think I should be washing my hair.
I could get Friday night free.
We do a lot of work at night, you see—
The afternoon, then.
Magrat hesitated. Perhaps instinct had got it wrong. Well— she said.
About two oclock. In the meadow by the pond, all right?
Well—
See you there, then. All right? said the Fool desperately.
Fool! The duchesss voice echoed along the passage, and a look of terror crossed his face.
Ive got to go, he said. The meadow, okay? Ill wear something so you recognise me. All right?
All right, echoed Magrat, hypnotised by the sheer pressure of his persistence. She turned and ran after the other witches.
There was pandemonium outside the castle. The crowd that had been there at Grannys arrival had grown considerably, and had flowed in through the now unguarded gateway and lapped around the keep. Civil disobedience was new to Lancre, but its inhabitants had already mastered some of its more elementary manifestations, viz, the jerking of rakes and sickles in the air with simple up-and-down motions accompanied by grimaces and cries of Gerrh!, although a few citizens, who hadnt quite grasped the idea, were waving flags and cheering. Advanced students were already eyeing the more combustible buildings inside the walls. Several sellers of hot meat pies and sausages in a bun had appeared from nowhere[13] and were doing a brisk trade. Pretty soon someone was going to throw something.
The three witches stood at the top of the steps that led to the keeps main door and surveyed the seas of faces.
Theres our Jason, said Nanny happily. And Wane and Darron and Kev and Trev and Nev—
I will remember their faces, said Lord Felmet, emerging between them and putting a hand on their shoulders. And do you see my archers, on the wails?
I see em, said Granny grimly.
Then smile and wave, said the duke. So that the people may know that all is well. After all, have you not been to see me today on matters of state?
He leaned closer to Granny.
Yes, there are a hundred things you could do, he said. But the ending would always be the same. He drew back. Im not an unreasonable man, I hope, he added, in cheerful tones. Perhaps, if you persuade the people to be calm, I may be prevailed upon to moderate my rule somewhat. I make no promises, of course.
Granny said nothing.
Smile and wave, commanded the duke.
Granny raised one hand in a vague motion and produced a brief rictus that had nothing whatsoever to do with humour. Then she scowled and nudged Nanny Ogg, who was waving and mugging like a maniac.
No need to get carried away, she hissed.
But theres our Reel and our Sharleen and their babbies, said Nanny. Coo-eee!
Will you shut up, you daft old besom! snapped Granny. And pull yourself together!
Jolly good, well done, said the duke. He raised his hands, or at least his hand. The other still ached. Hed tried the grater again last night, but it hadnt worked.
People of Lancre, he cried, do not be afeared! I am your friend. I will protect you from the witches! They have agreed to leave you in peace!
Granny stared at him as he spoke. Hes one of these here maniac depressives, she said. Up and down like a woss-name. Kill you one minute and ask you how youre feeling the next.
She became aware that he was looking at her expectantly.
What?
I said, Ill now call upon the respected Granny Weatherwax to say a few words, ha ha, he said.
You said that, did you?
Yes!
Youve gone a long way too far, said Granny.
I have, havent I! The duke giggled.
Granny turned to the expectant crowds, which went silent.
Go home, she said.
There was a further long silence.
Is that all? said the duke.
Yes.
What about pledges of eternal allegiance?
What about them? Gytha, will you stop waving at people!
Sorry.
And now we are going to go, too, said Granny.
But we were getting on so well, said the duke.
Come, Gytha, said Granny icily. And wheres Magrat got to?
Magrat looked up guiltily. She had been deep in conversation with the Fool, although it was the kind of conversation where both parties spend a lot of time looking at their feet and picking at their fingernails. Ninety per cent of true love is acute, ear-burning embarrassment.
Were leaving, said Granny.
Friday afternoon, remember, hissed the Fool.
Well, if I can, said Magrat.
Nanny Ogg leered.
And so Granny Weatherwax swept down the steps and through the crowds, with the other two running behind her. Several of the grinning guards caught her eye and wished they hadnt, but here and there, among the watching crowd, was a barely suppressed snigger. She hurtled through the gateway, across the drawbridge and through the town. Granny walking fast could beat most other people at a run.
Behind them the duke, who had crested the latest maniac peak on the switchback of his madness and was coasting speedily towards the watersplash of despair, laughed.
Ha ha.
Granny didnt stop until she was outside the town and under the welcoming eaves of the forest. She turned off the road and flumped down on a log, her face in her hands.
The other two approached her carefully. Magrat patted her on the back.
Dont despair, she said. You handled it very well, we thought.
I aint despairing, Im thinking, said Granny. Go away.
Nanny Ogg raised her eyebrows at Magrat in a warning fashion. They backed off to a suitable distance although, with Granny in her present mood, the next universe might not be far enough, and sat down on a moss-grown stone.
Are you all right? said Magrat. They didnt do anything, did they?
Never laid a finger on me, said Nanny. She sniffed. Theyre not your real royalty, she added. Old King Gruneweld, for one, he wouldnt have wasted time waving things around and menacing people. Itd been bang, needles right under the fingernails from the word go, and no messing. None of this evil laughter stuff. He was a real king. Very gracious.
He was threatening to burn you.
Oh, I wouldnt of stood for it. I see youve got a follower, said Nanny.
Sorry? said Magrat.
The young fellow with the bells, said Nanny. And the face like a spaniel whats just been kicked.
Oh, him. Magrat blushed hotly under her pale makeup. Really, hes just this man. He just follows me around.
Can be difficult, can that, said Nanny sagely.
Besides, hes so small. And he capers all over the place, said Magrat.
Looked at him carefully, have you? said the old witch.
Pardon?
You havent, have you? I thought not. Hes a very clever man, that Fool. He ought to have been one of them actor men.
What do you mean?
Next time you have a look at him like a witch, not like a woman, said Nanny, and gave Magrat a conspiratorial nudge. Good bit of work
with the door back there, she added. Coming on well, you are. I hope you told him about Greebo.
He said hed let him out directly, Nanny.
There was a snort from Granny Weatherwax.
Did you hear the sniggering in the crowd? she said. Someone sniggered!
Nanny Ogg sat down beside her.
And a couple of them pointed, she said. I know.
Its not to be borne!
Magrat sat down on the other end of the log.
Theres other witches, she said. Theres lots of witches further up the Ramtops. Maybe they can help.
The other two looked at her in pained surprise.
I dont think we need go that far, sniffed Granny. Asking for help.
Very bad practice, nodded Nanny Ogg.
But you asked a demon to help you, said Magrat.
No, we didnt, said Granny.
Right. We didnt.
We ordered it to assist.
Sright.
Granny Weatherwax stretched out her legs and looked at her boots. They were good strong boots, with hobnails and crescent-shaped scads; you couldnt believe a cobbler had made them, someone had laid down a sole and built up from there.
I mean, theres that witch over Skund way, she said. Sister Whosis, wossname, her son went off to be a sailor – you know, Gytha, her who sniffs and puts them antimassacres on the backs of chairs soon as you sits down—
Grodley, said Nanny Ogg. Sticks her little finger out when she drinks her tea and drops her Haitches all the time.
Yes. Hwell. I havent hlowered myself to talk to her hever since that business with the gibbet, you recall. I daresay shed just love to come snooping haround here, running her fingers over heverything and sniffing, telling us how to do things. Oh. yes. Help. Wed all be in a fine to-do if we went around helping all the time.
Yes, and over Skund way the trees talk to you and walk around of night, said Nanny. Without even asking permission. Very poor organisation.
Not really good organisation, like weve got here? said Magrat.
Granny stood up purposefully.
Im going home, she said.
There are thousands of good reasons why magic doesnt rule the world. Theyre called witches and wizards. Magrat reflected, as she followed the other two back to the road.
It was probably some wonderful organisation on the part of Nature to protect itself. It saw to it that everyone with any magical talent was about as ready to co-operate as a she-bear with toothache, so all that dangerous power was safely dissipated as random bickering and rivalry. There were differences in style, of course. Wizards assassinated each other in draughty corridors, witches just cut one another dead in the street. And they were all as self-centred as a spinning top. Even when they help other people, she thought, theyre secretly doing it for themselves. Honestly, theyre just like big children.
Except for me, she thought smugly.
Shes very upset, isnt she, said Magrat to Nanny Ogg.
Ah, well, said Nanny. Theres the problem, see. The more you get used to magic, the more you dont want to use it. The more it gets in your way. I expect, when you were just starting out, you learned a few spells from Goodie Whemper, maysherestinpeace, and you used them all the time, didnt you?
Well, yes. Everyone does.
Well-known fact, agreed Nanny. But when you get along in the Craft, you learn that the hardest magic is the sort you dont use at all.
Magrat considered the proposition cautiously. This isnt some kind of Zen, is it? she said.
Dunno. Never seen one.
When we were in the dungeons, Granny said something about trying the rocks. That sounded like pretty hard magic.
Well, Goodie wasnt much into rocks, said Nanny. Its not really hard. You just prod their memories. You know, of the old days. When they were hot and runny.
She hesitated, and her hand flew to her pocket. She gripped the lump of castle stone and relaxed.