I return to the barracks that night slowly. Though I am bone-weary with fatigue, I wander the streets. I take in the burning lanterns with their eerie flickering light. I walk close to the river, listening to the quiet, calm movement of the water. I walk the streets, staring past their lights and up into the lights of the heavens, the stars beaming down with their distinct glow.
I’ve never done this before – just wander the city at night. I’ve always had a purpose. The calm certainty of a Royal Army sorcerer, the cold knowledge of someone completely in control of themselves.
Well, I can’t rightly hide from the fact I don’t feel in control anymore.
Though the record keepers promised that the unsettling effects of the scroll would pass, they haven’t.
I can still remember, in perfect detail, being drawn in by the power of that scroll, my face pressing so close to it, the blood almost smeared over my cheeks.
It makes me shudder just to think about it, and I haven’t shuddered in a long time. No, that’s a lie – for the past day and a half, I’ve been shaking all over the place. Unsettled doesn’t even begin to describe what I feel now – undone does.
My life, once so calm and sure, is now something else.
As I walk, I near the barracks. I see those enormous sturdy walls, and though the sight usually fills me with strength, tonight, for some damn reason, I shudder. It’s my home, I tell myself, but that does not shift my unease.
Walking through the gates, the guards on duty salute. I return their salutes, though I can’t quite manage to look them in the eyes.
I want to return to my bed, lay my head down, and forget.
No matter how much I try to forget, however, it won’t change anything. Tomorrow Castor will bring Princess Mara to the barracks to train her.
.…
I feel sick with responsibility. It’s like a shroud has descended over me, one that chokes every breath with cruel ease.
Shaking my head, I rush through the square.
Then I stop, because, despite the lights surrounding it, I almost trip over something in the dark.
It doesn’t take me long to realize it’s a pair of pretty little white shoes.
Despite everything, I laugh. Short, sharp, and quiet.
But I laugh.
I might be bemoaning the fact my life has changed irrevocably, but I’m not the only one in this boat.
Yin, a simple mountain girl, is here with me. Her quiet life has now ended. From now on, she will be a soldier in the Royal Army. If she can learn to behave as they wish.
Just thinking about her shifts my focus. Instead of worrying about the impossible weight of responsibility, I start wondering how she did during her training sessions. Did she pass? Or did they already kick her out? Or worse?
Hurrying across the square now, I get the suicidal idea of going to check on her in her room. It is easily 2 AM, but I still want to pop my head in the door.
Of course I don’t, though. Not only would she rip my head off, the other soldiers would rightly wonder what I’m doing.
No.
I resolve instead to see her tomorrow. That distraction gets me through the night.