Ying, Yang and Ambivalence
by
Paul Vayro
********
Unintended Heroes
Copyright 2014 Paul Vayro
To Pat and Stan, or as I know them, mum and dad; for letting me chase happiness in life without insisting on becoming a proper adult, and for being the emotional safety net I know is always there, should my balance upon the tightrope of life ever waver.
Contents
Prologue
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Twenty-One
Twenty-Two
Twenty-Three
Twenty-Four
Twenty-Five
Twenty-Six
Twenty-Seven
Twenty-Eight
Twenty-Nine
Thirty
Thirty-One
Thirty-Two
Thirty-Three
Thirty-Four
Thirty-Five
Thirty-Six
Thirty-Seven
Thirty-Eight
Thirty-Nine
Forty
Forty-One
Forty-Two
Forty-Three
Forty-Four
Forty-Five
Forty-Six
Forty-Seven
Forty-Eight
Forty-Nine
Prologue
For those who have read neither T is for Time or Unintended Heroes, the first two books in The Ambler's Odyssey series, there is important information you will need to know concerning the Earth they inhabit and the funny little rock's place in the affections of the universe.
There also follows a brief summation of anything you may need to know from Unintended Heroes, in order to leave you ready for Ying, Yang and Ambivalence. It isn't essential to know the full history of Brick and Spiritwind to enjoy the third instalment, but it may turn an inquisitive furrow of the brow into a giggle as some of the in-jokes of the universe trickle forth.
For those who have read both books, many thanks. I'm happy to see my words are keeping you intrigued enough to sit through a third adventure. Feel free to read the prologue anyway, but consider it a quick freshen up rather than a full makeover.
The original Earth had been a humble planet in an up and coming area of the universe. Known only for its extensive swimming facilities and glorious golf courses it remained a grade two planet and thus exempt from universal law; grade two being any world that realises life must be out there but not yet in meaningful contact with it. This left the quiet planet exempt from the ongoing debate over language.
Aware that communication is the key to harmony, the great minds of the wider ethos had asked if having several languages per planet was such a good idea. How can any global society hope to flourish when one nation is unable to ask another to pass the salt? Taking the question to the highest courts in the universe the discussions continued, mainly over extortionately priced lunches that were entirely tax deductible, and a new law was eventually passed. It declared that any world that came under universal jurisdiction, that being grade three and above, would be limited to only one language.
The lawyers, whose responsibility it became to implement the law, were exhausted once the job was done and booked a well deserved all inclusive golfing holiday on Earth. Pitching and putting their way across Europe and in to China they were horrified as they stumbled across language after language, each mocking their efforts more than the last. Unsure how to even begin sorting such a mess, three languages had been the previous maximum encountered on one planet, the lawyers returned to their superiors with a tale to tell. After several high level lunches, and an emergency dinner, a sub section to the language law was passed: It declared the Earth off limits to any outside attempts at communication, even on its birthday. Were it ever to achieve grade three status i.e. any planet in meaningful contact with at least one other, it would come under the universe’s jurisdiction and be forced to use only one language. The admin required for such a task would need a planet to house it, and the cost of lawyers overtime would bankrupt several galaxies. The story however did not end there.
News of the Earth’s abundance of languages soon spread across the universe, attracting interest from all quarters. Although everybody was ultimately driven by curiosity, the scientists, wishing to name a law or principle after themselves, claimed theirs to be more worthy and pushed to the front of the queue. Once there they measured, observed and pondered, every angle searching for the infamy their great discovery would bring; however when it did come it wasn’t from the mind of the dedicated brains that yearned for it so desperately.
‘The Unexpected Law of Language Distribution’ was the brainwave of Samuel Unexpected, a maths teacher from a neighbouring galaxy. It states that the Earth not only contains every form of communication in the universe but that it does so in their exact proportion. Furthermore the relationship is dynamic and reflects the universe’s language distribution at all times e.g. should a French speaking planet conquer an Italian, a group of Italians on Earth will take up a French speaking class.
The man behind the theory, Samuel Unexpected, had never intended to create a law, much to the displeasure of the serious scientists who had dedicated their lives to the problem; scientists as a group were growing increasingly tired of all the great discoveries being made by amateurs and had been wondering if violence wasn’t an intelligent solution after all. Samuel had had no desire to even look longingly at another man's thunder, never mind steal it. The only reason he even mentioned the idea was to break the ice with a highly attractive physicist. He thought it would be a good joke and starting point for a general chat. Failing to see the humour she took his comment seriously and went straight home to work on the relevant sums. He was as amazed as her when she turned up the next day to tell him his theory was correct. The attractive physicist fell instantly in love with Samuel’s brilliant mind and they married two days later. After three weeks he found her lack of humour to be something of an issue, fortunately she’d realised there was no brilliant mind after eight hours and had already left.
With the Earth confirmed as a dynamic, linguistic map of the universe its popularity soared, placing Eric Wazinski and his singing table firmly in the shade. Within months it became the number one holiday destination as crowds flocked to hover above its surface and observe the multi lingual folk below. It became a marketing mans dream as everyone clambered to cash in the oddity.
Over time, as with all planets, the life that had flourished slowly dwindled until the Earth evolved back in to a lifeless rock floating through space. With so much money left to be made from the Earth brand, it wasn’t long before one enterprising soul saw a way to keep the cash rolling in, and buying the rights to the Earth franchise he offered to re-run the entire cycle of its life on any suitably sized rock a designated distance from a sun. The owner would gain an idyllic home with an in built revenue from tourism, and the universe regained one of its most iconic attractions, only now in infinitely more locations.
Each planet came with a free pair of inbuilt heroes who trained without purpose until the day arose that they would be needed, and a set of concepts to keep the plan for conscious life on track; so when the Jefferians decide to freeze time on an Earth in order to steal all the tea and coffee and hold it ransom for control of the deeds, Fate is sent
to ensure the heroes are kept safe and free to move around and thwart the attempt; however a broken fax machine sends him to their next door neighbours instead: Brick and Spiritwind, two hapless misfits who know nothing of heroics other than the teachings of modern cinema. Realising his error, Fate gathers together his closest friends, including brother Coincidence and girlfriend Karma, and prepares to assist the duo as they bumble along.
As you are about to read the latest novel in the series, it won't be a plot spoiler to tell you they succeed, but as everybody on Earth is frozen in time, nobody sees their heroics and thus no reward is forthcoming from their home planet. Fortunately for them, The Heroic Guild of All Things Heroic and Splendid keeps a constant watch on universal politics, ready to welcome new heroes into their gang. Basic membership, and the award of grade one hero status, is standard for any being that saves their own planet. The reward comes with a membership card, sticker for your window, and the inherent heroic fortune and intuition that any main protagonist in a self respecting Hollywood adventure can expect to benefit from. Alongside this are various gymnastic abilities, kung fu-skills and the bull punch: one strike renders any opponent of a similar size unconscious for as long as you need them to be.
Unintended Heroes continues a few short weeks after.
Insidious Chi had decided to take a more cerebral approach to taking over the universe. Instead of amassing an army he ordered countless Earth franchise planets and positioned them throughout all that is, before generating vast amounts of apathy upon them. As the sensation seeped out it infected everything around them, allowing Sid to stroll across galaxy after galaxy, taking his bounty without having to fight a resistance that couldn't be bothered to surface; however, The Heroes Guild had noticed something was amiss and called together all grade one heroes and above, including Brick and Spiritwind, for an urgent gathering on Velos 19, the home of hero admin and pampering.
Without any transport, The Guild arranges for Brick and Spiritwind to be picked up by Hugo Cortizone, the ultimate hero of the universe. Hugo is everything you expect from a saviour, from his golden locks to the lycra-clad mountain of a body he flings into danger with unnecessary somersaults and grins; however, arriving on Velos 19, Hugo heads off for various press conferences and adverts for his extensive range of duvet covers, leaving Brick and Spiritwind to explore. They head straight for the pub where they stumble upon Jam Shandy, perpetual drunk and Captain of The Little Tub of Fun. After a night of drunken nonsense they are invited to join his crew of outcasts and oddities, and head for the meeting they were there for.
The Guild knows the Earth franchise planets have something to do with the rising apathy, but no idea how they are involved. They divide up the suspicious planets and send the heroes out to explore, following clues and intuition until the answer becomes clear. Brick and Spiritwind visit two planets before they suspect they may know where Sid is hiding. The Hero Code insists heroic hunches must be followed, and so they set out to what reveals itself to be the megalomaniac's headquarters.
Forced to split into groups by architecture, a standard design facet of every Evil base, Brick and Spiritwind find their path leads straight to a showdown with Insidious Chi, while the other group stumble upon an entirely separate story.
Sid knew Hugo Cortizone would turn up at some point, inevitability demanded it, and so he decided to strike first and capture the grinning lump. Again, skirting the tradition of nets or bags over heads, he instructed his henchmen, one disguised as a damsel in mortal danger, to lure the hero into a trap before spraying him with a compound that would convince him universal peace had been declared. Devoid of anything to fight, and his only purpose for existence stolen from him, he breaks down and is offered a place to come to terms with the new future: a house back at Sid's hideout.
The henchman/maiden is left to act as his closest guard through kindness; however, Dollop had fought Hugo twice before in his career and wished for nothing more than revenge and the chance to prove he was his equal. Sid would not allow it, and Dollop had to seethe his way through fluffy chats and futile glances.
Over time, Dollop began to see the two men were more alike than he'd ever imagined, and saw past the hero and bile to the lonely, confused man behind the flashy spaceships and smiling face upon his own cereal. Unfortunately, Hugo saw his new purpose in the maiden's eyes, and proposed marriage and an eternity together.
When the invading heroes follow the tunnel system of Sid's base, it leads them to Dollop and Hugo returning from a picnic. When the henchman spots the intruders, he prepares for battle, ripping through his disguise and tensing with a roar. Hugo sees his love torn apart and can only assume Dollop her murderer, the anguish breaking the spell he'd been under. Hugo defeats the beast and, he and Jam and the rest of the crew, head towards the centre of Sid's plan, only to arrive to find Brick and Spiritwind already victorious.
After Brick and Spiritwind reverse the effects of apathy on the universe, Hugo contacts Velos 19 to report their success. Everybody assumes Mr Cortizone has saved the day, single-handedly, and invites him back to a huge party in his honour.
After threatening to reveal pictures of Hugo's ex-love to the tabloids, the rest of the heroes also receive the highest level hero grading available, grade five, and Brick and Spiritwind are gifted their own ship; however, with a marketing dept the size of a galaxy, Hugo's team ensure everyone else is regarded as his helpers at best, and they receive few plaudits, leaving Brick and Spiritwind back at home, without adulation and in need of that month's rent.
Contents
Chapter One
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"No." Brick looked bemused at the customer's bemusement.
"Does he know?" The irate man pointed at Spiritwind, who occupied the service window a foot to Brick's left.
"I don't know. Ask him."
"Do you know?" The man did as instructed and aimed his query at the bald twenty something.
"Know what?" Spiritwind had his own question.
"What I've just been asking him."
"That depends entirely on what you've just been asking him." It was unarguable as a technical point.
"Were you not listening to the last five minutes of conversation? You are sat next to each other." Brick and Spiritwind were indeed sat next to each other in a Portakabin that doubled as an information booth in the centre of Puddleton. Only problem was they hadn't been given any information.
"Is that the question you want answering, because I know the answer to that? The answer is no, I wasn't listening." Spiritwind ticked the efficiency sheet they'd been left with. Nobody seemed interested in picking them up.
"What's the point?" The man slapped his forehead for no reason other than he'd seen people do it in the movies. It served no purpose, except to jar him and note never to do it again.
"Now that I can answer." Brick loomed forward towards the glass that separated him from the world. "The point is, in itself, the point. We search for meaning and justification in the furore of life when in reality the very notion of a point distracts us from the truth that it is a myth of the mind, a belief that comfort lies in our future, a cloud with no source or end."
"He's gone." Spiritwind alerted Brick to the man's response to the impromptu monologue, and that a peanut was his should he so desire.
"Then I guess we'll never truly know what he wanted." The wistful gaze was taken as refusal of a nut.
Had the Puddletonian enquired as to the wider affairs of the universe, in particular who had saved his planet from invading aliens and gone on to prevent Insidious Chi seizing control of the entire ether, then Brick and Spiritwind would have simply had to point at their own incompetent, smiling faces. Unfortunately he wanted suggestions for interesting places to take his visiting Aunty in three weeks time.
Arriving home from their exploits out in the universe, Brick and Spiritwind had failed to raise even a nod of appreciation. Universal politics were not reported to the Earth, a
nd as everybody had been frozen in time on their first adventure, the duo remained a pair of anonymous misfits, flitting from temporary job to temporary job in order to pay the rent. The only life decision that had been made was to each grow a beard. They believed it may help to foster a sense of wisdom, plus they couldn't remember whose turn it was to buy the razors. Facial hair had been the compromise over flipping a coin.
Having returned to their agency for work, they'd been told to report to the booth they now sat in, two weeks ago. They were shown in by a pleasant lady who gave them their hours and a key for the cabin. They'd seen nobody since or been told anything more about the job they were supposed to be doing, although every morning an envelope containing their pay sat upon the chair each had occupied the day before.
"Afternoon." They, popped up at one of the windows.
They, worked on the Earth as one of the concepts that kept the Earth franchise planet ticking along its intended path. His particular speciality was spreading rumours and myths to keep conversation amongst humanity flowing, thus stopping them spending too long thinking about what was really going on.
"Is it afternoon already?" Brick's response went unheard as They meandered around to the back of the cabin, where the door sat. He'd been a regular visitor.
They entered, perusing the ever growing decor as he did.
Initially a bare cabin, Brick and Spiritwind had obtained numerous items from the skips belonging to the flats that were under renovation nearby. Discarded rugs acted as carpet while a solid coffee table gave the room a centre. Armchairs had replaced the plastic efforts at comfort they'd been supplied with, each came with a set of wheels to allow comfort to journey around the office with you, while an old sofa along the back wall was reserved for visitors and when a lie down was needed. Further lightweight rugs hung across the larger sections of wall, reclaimed picture frames littering the rest. They'd been filled with the duo's own artistic meanderings and images from various sources. A four foot tall, wooden Stork peered from one corner of the room, glancing warily at the equally wooden tiger on the opposite side. An old portable television sat on the back of a carved rhino. The horned, organic tank didn't look impressed. Spiritwind had recently added a fridge and microwave to the growing kitchen area, increasing his range of potential snacks.