"Well it.......you push.........I think you just........." Brick turned the object over in his hands, all the time staring into the shining wonder.
"You can just say you don't know?"
"I could tell you what They, told me." Brick found something in his mind.
"Is that the version that involves a whole host of gerbils in windmills?"
"He told me it was guillemots on jet-ski's." Brick turned to his friend.
"Let's presume They wasn't so sure either." Egg finished, Spiritwind shuffled nearer the bulb. "Are there any buttons?"
"Nothing; it's just a standard bulb in every facet of its appearance, other than the swirly insides."
"Let's have a look." Spiritwind equally cupped the internet, becoming engrossed by the same sense of wishing to be involved. As their minds grew ever more entranced by the object its glow expanded, until it covered the entirety of their vision. With a final dramatic flash the two blinked. When they opened their eyes they were no longer in a warehouse.
************
Brick and Spiritwind found themselves falling once more, although before they could begin to question why, they'd landed with a cushioned bump; Spiritwind flat on his back, Brick face down. Spiritwind looked up, at the same time running his hands across the surface of the new land.
A bronzed sky glistened back towards the bald man's eyes, a cascade of fluttering, A4 sheets obscuring a clear view as they fell around and across him. A quick skim of his fingertips revealed the floor's friction free nature, betraying its plastic composition; its shuffling tendency admitted to its lack of stability. He could only assume the ground was covered in the pages that continued to litter his frame, if not built entirely from them.
Brick could feel a gentle yet nigh on continual patting on the back of his head and turned his body over, ambivalently flailing at the acetates that rained down upon his concerned face. He sat up to avoid having to blink so much, and wished he'd added a hat to his way of life.
He glanced across to Spiritwind who had also acquired a seated posture, and a doughnut. Each shrugged at what to do next. Spiritwind could only think to consume his snack, although he was quickly interrupted as a black wire whistled down from above, flying straight through the sugared hole and into the ground beneath the duo. After several seconds convulsing violently, ripping the bald man's snack into several bite-size pieces, it began to retract, causing an up-swell in the land the duo were struggling to comprehend. Whipping itself back towards the discoloured sky, the prize of a single sheet in its grasp, the disruption affected everything within a twenty foot circle, including the newly arrived heroes. The pair was launched sideways at pace, skidding across the surface with all the grace of a baby seal on its first trip to the shops.
As the duo slid, without control over their speed or direction, they noticed an edge approaching fast. Heroic coincidence spotted it too and sent a wire deep into the ground, directly in their path. The pair grabbed on just in time to leave them dangling over the precipice of a mountain. Both men looked down, assessing the slope that sat steeply beneath them.
"I fear we must presume this wire will do as the last, and return to the sky any moment." Brick summed up the situation, in case Spiritwind hadn't been paying attention.
"I can only concur with your summation." It was as good a time as any to check if he had any more doughnuts. They were a notoriously calming snack.
"Question is, do we try and hold on or let go and see what's at the bottom?"
"Well, we were introduced from the sky, so it would seem futile to return without having done anything. I think we owe it to heroics to explore whatever's at the bottom."
"I think you're right. Plus, sliding is always more fun than being flung about miles above the ground." Brick tried to add logic to the decision.
"And if after checking out the bottom we find out we were wrong, we can just wait to grab another wire and be flung about by that. Win, win." Spiritwind offered the ultimate solution, best of everything and cramming with options. "There's plenty of them around."
Spiritwind gazed out across the landscape they were yet to try and fathom.
The wires were truly plentiful as they hung from the sky. Hooked on nothing of note, they swarmed across a horizon filled with mountains. The glimmering tendency of the giant mounds suggested they were built from the same acetates as the one the twosome hung over; geology insisted valleys interspersed the peaks.
The tubes attacked the daunting stacks without rest, rummaging at pace in search of their bounty. Once caught, the prize would be rushed to the sky and pinned to the invisible barrier that shielded the planet from presumed space. Some were held there and joined by other curious limbs, the page increasing in size with each extra one, some dropped after only a few seconds; left to find a new pile or whipped out of the air by another snaking hunter. Spiritwind glanced upwards and noticed the sky was dominated by several sheets that defied simple measurement, stretching out to cover distances the size of entire lands. They remained stable in bulk, only the swarm they attracted fluctuating. Others grew at a great pace only to shrink to practically nothing within seconds, while some built steadily. The majority were stuck and discarded within seconds.
All the time, more pages joined from no apparent source other than above, forming new peaks and topping off those that had been decimated through continual ransacking. The whole landscape was a glorious ballet of disorganised harmony.
Perusal of the world ceased as the wire the heroes held began to convulse. Having already decided to take the downwards route, it was the signal for both men to let go.
Spiritwind opted to approach the journey sat upright, Brick went head first; nobody was sure if this was a choice or a consequence of gravity. Whichever way they pointed they were instantly subjected to wires whistling inches past their hurtling bodies, diving deep into the ground they skimmed across and caring little for anything that may be in the way, or if it required puncturing. Heroic fortune stepped in once more with a range of coincidental gymnastics and well-timed turns of inquisitiveness, guarding the pair from injury yet allowing danger close enough to suggest susceptibility were it not for such inherent skill.
Realising the twitches that continued to save them were entirely involuntary, Spiritwind focused on the pages that seemed so precious to the black tubes, and reached out for one to inspect further. Brick's head first posture had seen him grow tired of removing the sheets that persisted in sticking to his face as he flew by, and so he left them where they were and decided to try and have a nap instead.
As Spiritwind reached the end of a blog from Johnson Caribou, declaring lobsters were clearly an invading race of aliens: why else would they have armour and such weapons attached to their very being, he noticed the incline of the mountain beginning to even out, and their speed decreasing in response. Eventually it dropped enough to allow the sheets the wind had pinned to Brick's face to fall away; confusing the dozing hero, who'd convinced himself he was in bed back home. He wondered who could be bothered to come in his room and open his bedroom curtains, and if it was a she, if she wanted a cuddle.
By the time Brick fully awoke they had practically come to a standstill and were ten feet from an aged gentleman with a broom, a patio umbrella above his head, and a wizened stare. Nobody spoke as they looked in equal puzzlement at each other.
The man was around five feet tall and anything from a hundred upwards. He wore a full three piece, tweed suit complete with pipe sticking out of the top pocket and the aforementioned umbrella protruding from his back. Thick, white tufts of hair gave an air of authority to his monocle, the ample moustache gifting wisdom to his thoughts.
With the silence growing awkward, he spoke. "Morning." His voice rolled across his tongue, picking up years of experience and coating it with a texture of gravel. "Is it morning? Never know anymore. No real concept of time in here, or where. All places at once you see, the internet. Not sure how."
"You've got a busy day ahead
, sweeping up this lot." Brick could only respond with practicality as he stood and brushed himself down, still twitching out of the way of sky-based attacks.
"Pahaa, sweeping up? Where would I sweep to? No, just filling my day." The man spoke as a wire rebounded off his umbrella, diverting its search around him rather than through. "Would you care for shelter?"
Both heroes scuttled under the protection of the old man. "Newton Farango by the way, Master of the Web. Have a badge somewhere, blasted thing keeps falling off though. How do you do?"
"Spiritwind Capernicus Jones, hero and temp." Spiritwind exchanged a shake of the hand.
"Brick Wall, same C.V." After greetings were done with, all three huddled silently under the umbrella and watched as wires repeatedly bounced off it. They stood without awkwardness and absorbed the situation. Eventually, Spiritwind had a thought.
"Did you say we're in the internet? This isn't a dream sequence and we're really lying unconscious on the floor of a warehouse in Puddleton?"
"As far as I can make out, although maybe you should ask my wife; apparently she knows everything, particularly everything I don't. Shall we go inside? Can take this umbrella off you see; far more comfortable."
Brick and Spiritwind looked around in search of an 'inside'. All they could see was mounds of acetates and a potential wind-up. Newton hadn't waited for an answer and had already dropped his broom and begun rummaging in search of something he knew was there. The resulting dip caused all three men to crouch as the umbrella became more of a communal hat.
Brick turned with a shake of the head to find a wire facing him. It sniffed him in an inquisitive manner. The hero sniffed back before it whipped inside his t-shirt and disappeared with a page that had found its way under his polyester covering. Brick was unsure if he should call the police or put it down to the culture, Spiritwind was positive it deserved at least a smirk. Brick straightened himself and moved on emotionally.
"Ah, here it is." Newton commented as he pulled a leaf blower the size of a shed from beneath the loose covering that acted as the ground. Turning it towards a mound behind him, he switched it on.
It caused a flurry of pages, eventually settling to reveal a human sized hamster run: a series of brightly coloured pods connected via opaque tubes. "There we go. Care for a cup of tea?"
"I don't do tea." Brick was still a little upset about the wire that had violated his personal space.
"Don't do tea, must have a dodo for a nose. I'm sure we can find something to bridge the gap of social pleasantries. Come along."
The pair offered shrugs wondering how else they could respond, and followed the pensioner inside. At least they knew they'd made it into the internet. Everything else remained as mysterious as ever, including where Spiritwind had found a sausage roll.
Contents
Chapter Thirty Four
The trio entered the first pod. It was green and housed little more than a shoe rack. As each removed their footwear, Newton pushed a large button by the door. The whole building began to lift. Brick looked at Spiritwind. Spiritwind didn't need to hear the words.
"No, I don't think it's a trap."
"Always rising, you see; the ground, pages constantly being added. Swallow the house if you let it. Constantly on the up I like to think. Pahaaaaa." Newton addressed Brick's concern. The hero wasn't convinced.
"Now, tea." Mr Farango led the pair down a blue tube and in to a clear pod. It spanned about forty feet and gave a full view of the world they had sought shelter from. Further coloured tubes offered an exit from the transparent sphere, located at sporadic intervals and varying angles across the walls.
The room contained minimal furniture. A desk hugged one wall, holding a monitor and keyboard, and an ornate tea trolley sat ready to be used. A sofa lounged around towards the centre, a coffee table standing by its side should it require somebody to talk to. Newton walked straight to the refreshments and wheeled them back as the Earthlings pondered on the internet they found themselves in.
"Tea? Biscuits? Hot water?" Brick's alternative drinks selection was limited.
"Think I'll just stick to a biscuit." Brick poked at the plate with his eyes, trying to decide what to take. Spiritwind opted for one of each kind and created a stack while accepting the freshly poured beverage from Newton. The bald maverick returned to the windowed wall for further consideration of where they found themselves. Brick eventually opted for the bourbon. He'd suffered from its drying powers in the past, but this time he was on a mission and he could defeat any foe. Plus he was always fooled by the promise of such chocolaty goodness. Newton placed his cup atop a saucer, adorning the treat with two cookies.
After several moments appreciating the calm mood and edible offerings, Spiritwind turned back towards Newton. Brick already regretted his choice of snack. It was attached to the roof of his mouth and had no intention of coming down. He tried to dislodge it with nothing more than an accentuated wobble of his jaw as Spiritwind unleashed his thoughts. "Are we to assume this entire land is built from the pages of the internet? And the lethal wires are searching for said pages so the people who've typed them in to their computer can see them?" Spiritwind looked wistfully back towards the horizon. Brick grunted the suggestion that he would have asked the same question were he not incapacitated.
"Ah, I see you hide wisdom beneath those gormless exteriors." Newton glanced at Brick as he jabbed the roof of his mouth with his finger. "Some deeper than others. Yes, that's just about it."
"So as the Master of the Web are they dancing from your merry lead, your army of sorts?" Spiritwind didn't hesitate to find out if Newton was the man that could help them in their quest.
"Yes." Brick used his finally empty mouth to involve himself in the discussion. He added nothing while eyeing up another bourbon. He always believed in giving things at least a second chance, if not a third.
"Not sure they are anymore. My role is more maintenance than anything else these days." Newton whipped out a pipe and looked out to the horizon. It was a well practiced storytelling stance, and one he proudly displayed as he began regaling the past. "Not like when it all began. Used to have to deliver messages, you see. Connect the sender with the intended." Newton paused. "Would have made a fine slogan if I'd thought of that sooner. No, anyway, had to find the right computer to pass things on to. Then one day I started to receive these pages too. People started wanting to read them whenever they wanted, completely different task; had to come up with a whole new system."
A small flame popped out of Mr Farango's pipe, threatening to singe his ample eyebrows. He moved it far from his face and beat the flames down with his hand before continuing. "I organised them into piles and would send them up to the sky when people asked to see them. Used to be good exercise, cranking up the old cranes, but people were impatient to see drunken animals falling over. Wasn't quick enough you see, the old crane, and so I started to use these extendable wires instead, but the sheer number of requests grew, oh how they grew, and soon I couldn't feed the wires fast enough to keep up. So I taught the wires how to find things for themselves and headed in for a cup of tea." Newton gave a proud puff of smoke.
"Funny thing was, when they couldn't keep up with demand, they looked up how to build themselves and made more, creating the melee you see before us. Haven't had to do much ever since. Spend my days pretending to sweep up, being told off by the wife and watching videos of people falling over. Oh and my games. Have I mentioned my games? There's one where you're a speck of dust and have to avoid the vacuum, sucks you in, quite literally. Pahaaaa."
"Fascinating." It was one of the few times Spiritwind had used the word without any sarcastic intent. "But, does this mean that if we, say, wanted to introduce an idea to the internet, tell it something in the hope of convincing the entire world of what we want, is that something you can still do?"
"Don't see why not. What's the point in being the master of something that won't listen to you, eh? May as well have a wife. That's a joke. Do
n't get one. They change. Used to love Fruity Thursdays, just Thursdays now." Newton raised a suspicious eye and took a sip of his tea. "Do I detect the reason for your visit in your question?"
"Well....." Spiritwind had an image concerning Thursdays he was trying to shake. ".....Yes. You see, we're on a mission to take over the Earth, ultimately in the name of Good, and we thought the easiest way to do that would be to just tell everyone we're now in control. And what easier way is there to tell everyone in the world something, than through the internet?"
"Pahaa. Genius. Don't know why more people don't do it, must cost a fortune to feed all those armies."
"That's what we said." Brick's eye strayed towards a third bourbon. Maybe this one would be different.
"And wise you were to bring it up." Mr Farango tapped his chin and looked ponderous; he had no interest in Good or Evil, but he did see a way he may be able to benefit from the duo's visit. "Maybe two such wise fellows as yourselves would be able to help me out with a little problem in return for allowing you to take over the world?"
"What is it?" Spiritwind hoped it didn't involve a Thursday.
"Ah, good negotiators too. Wary. Wise. Huffle Quickstep did me out of the wife's favourite chest of draws once. Didn't even need an antelope. Thing ran off after a week, refused to be a hat-stand. Wife didn't speak to me for a month. Best month of my life." Newton lost himself in nostalgia for a moment. "Anyway, no, nothing so drastic. I've been stuck on Mouse Dynamic for months now. Have to chew through the foundations of increasingly larger houses, bring the blasted things tumbling down. Can't get past the mansion level, you see. You show me how and the world is yours."
"Sounds like a deal." Spiritwind turned to Brick with a face concerned that it shouldn't be this easy.
"Before we spit in each other's eyes to seal the deal...." Nobody had mentioned spitting in eyes. ".......better see if I can still control the thing. Wires are full of ego you know. Hard to make them do anything, as you've seen. Not my doing. Have no ego left to put in them. Had it beaten out of me by the wife a long time ago! Wouldn't believe the names she calls me." Newton tottered over to the desk that held the keyboard and monitor. "Why don't we give it a little test? Would you care to know the truth behind the pyramids?" Newton spoke as he sat down and wiggled the mouse, scrolling through a series of screens. The duo followed him and perused the monitor.