"Busy marking, I see." Dip clearly wanted something. He never visited out of courtesy. "Any potential leaders of a new universe order in there?"
"Not really." Dip gritted his teeth and seethed at the reply. "One may be able to have a decent crack at a solar system, but the rest will end up on doors of clubs or just pack it in altogether and pursue a career in accounts."
"Interesting." It clearly wasn't interesting. It was infuriating. Dip picked up a pencil and squeezed it until he heard the lead inside crack. "What we need, Dooliks, is a success story, one from this very university. We need a figurehead we can behold to take us to the next level."
"I agree, but maybe Evil just can't be taught." Spon reflected on his personal, garden based failure as much as the establishment's.
"Then what in Chi's name are we doing wasting our time?" Dip spun in frustration before snapping the pencil entirely and thrusting it into his mouth, chewing violently. Spon offered a tentative riposte.
"Because Evil never knows when to give up, if it did it would never try. The laws of inevitability state we cannot win, but like all other laws we try to break them. For we are Evil, and Evil we will do." He couldn't be sure if he was quoting something he'd read or was just feeling particularly inspired.
"That's beautiful, Dooliks. Write that down for me. I'll use it as my next letterhead." Dip began pacing back and forth, working the splinters from between his teeth as he went. "We need a success, Dooliks."
"You've already said that, Chancellor." Spon hoped Dip wasn't having one of his turns again. It took them a week to coax him down from the climbing frames last time.
"I know, but it was important enough to say again." A decision flashed across the small dog-like face, and a look of disgust at what he'd put in his mouth. "Spon, I want you to find a success story in the next batch of pupils, and I want them turning in to Evil icons whether they have the skills or not. Prepare a plinth in the Lair of Legends. We will have an inspiration if it's the last thing I do." The slam of the paws on Spon's desk disrupted the pile of marked exams to the right. Sensing his rage may boil in to destruction, Dip quickly forced a board duster and calculator into his mouth and walked away, chewing his anger into tiny pieces.
Spon was left alone with his thoughts once more as the door slammed and a cleaner was berated in the corridor. "More tasks. How am I ever supposed to get this garden taken over? And how am I going to add up these results?"
Spon rued his lost calculator. He always seemed to lose stationary on a Monday.
Contents
Chapter Four
Bozo and Schmuk sat in a booth in Huffy LeRoy's bar. The bar sat in a particularly sad and dilapidated, galactic bus depot.
The pair's considerable nine foot bulk took up most of the seating that had been designed for eight standard men, their bags filling what remained. Nervy twitches trickled through them as excitement for their future powered their grins.
"Can't believe we're actually going to Evil University." Schmuk struggled to stop his legs from kicking in glee.
"Yes. You've said." Bozo sipped his warm beverage rhythmically.
"Are you not excited?"
"Of course I'm excited. This is our chance for a decent career, but we're off to Evil University. Trainee henchmen travelling to Evil University don't hop about like nine year old girls off to a pop concert."
"Oh. What do they do then?"
"I don't know. Break someone's arm in anticipation?"
"I can do that." Schmuk looked around the bar for a thin armed man. The place was empty except for the barman and a semi-comatose dragon that was weeping in to a stack of empty shot glasses. He decided to wait and see if anyone else turned up.
Bozo and Schmuk had been working in an office back on their home planet, until one bored afternoon Bozo sat surfing the uninet (universe wide internet) and stumbled upon the Evil University website. Aware of each other's bulk and intimidating shaped heads, Bozo that of an angry gorilla built from bricks, and Schmuk a spider that had run into a glass wall, they had spoken often of their potential for such a course, but when Bozo clicked one page too far he found himself and Schmuk enrolled under threat of death should they not attend, hence they were on route to Karanan.
Karanan was a discarded Earth franchise planet. The engineer who installed the life program had been to a friend's birthday party the night before, and in his hung-over state failed to notice a blip in the progression beyond the Archean period. It had left the planet in a perpetual loop of volcanic activity, and minimal evolution of decent sized life. By the time the error had been spotted, lava had turned so much of the surface into rock that it was beyond repair and was sold as scrap. The Evil University saw it as not only a chunk of cheap real estate but exactly the kind of atmosphere they wished to convey.
A bubble of fully evolved Earth atmosphere had been installed, around fifty miles across, to allow some semblance of normality for the extensive staff to live in. The university sat on a hill on the edge of the transparent cocoon, all windows pointing towards the ashen sky, and barren, rock-fuelled wastelands.
Any further discussion between the pair was interrupted by the sound of the door crashing open. Bozo peered around the booth to see two humanoids strolling to the bar, Schmuk wondered how thick their arms were; the taller one was brushing himself down, the smaller one was tutting and shaking his hairless head in judgement.
After several minutes, drinks were exchanged. The barman looked ready to quit. The two humanoids turned and searched for a seat, heading directly for Bozo. The monster pulled his head out of view and hoped he and his friends' size would be enough of a social deterrent. He wasn't there to make new buddies.
The Earthly duo wandered past and took up the booth directly behind the soon to be students. The partition stretched five feet into the air and shielded the two groups from each other. Bozo and Schmuk shared a relieved and judgemental glance, although it had come too eagerly.
"Where's the party then?" Brick's head appeared from around the cushioned wall. "We heard this place was a funfest."
Once Bozo had located the face the words came from, he responded. "This place?"
"Yeh. We were told joy untold could be found here at any time of day or night."
"This place here?" Bozo could only repeat himself.
"Hold on. This is going to give me a crick in me neck." Brick disappeared only to re-appear as an entire person pulling up a stool, joined by a bald man with a straw in his mouth and a waved greeting in his palm; the bowl of cherries covered in ice cream were held in place by his elbow and hip as he guided his own seat with his foot. "That's better. Now maybe we can get the fun started."
Bozo and Schmuk had no idea how they were supposed to react. So didn't.
"So, you come here a lot? That isn't a variation on the age old chat up line by the way. I realise you're not ladies. But you are somewhat massive, so hopefully you're not offended either."
"To this place?" Bozo wondered how many different ways he could ask his repeated question.
Schmuk saw somebody who may share his excitement and offered his own response. He was always open to new friends, and if they didn't get on, he had an arm to break. "This is our first time here. We're only passing through. On our way to Evil University you see. We're going to be henchmen."
"Henchmen! Off to Evil University. Super." Brick's hero card shone from beneath his nipple as he tried as hard as possible not to think about being one. He pulled his cardigan across and hoped nobody had noticed. "Are you sure this is the right place?" He diverted his speech to Spiritwind.
"I've never been to the place we were supposed to be going to and thus have no frame of reference. This is the place we're in though. I think."
"How does that help?"
"You didn't ask for help." It was a fair point. Spiritwind had his own point to raise with the fearsome pair. "I thought Evil was something inherent. I didn't think you could be taught it."
"That's probably true if you'r
e aiming for top level Evil, if you want to be a megalomaniac or something, doesn't stop them running courses for that though, but we're strictly punch and intimidation men. You can learn that I reckon. I hope so anyway, otherwise the whole place is a con." Bozo considered thumping down on the table and then reconsidered. It was exactly this kind of indecisiveness he was hoping to be trained out of.
Brick added his hand to the cardigan shielding his hero ID, and continued to talk. "So what are you doing here? Having one last night of debauchery before the serious study kicks in?"
"We're waiting for our bus in the morning. This is a bus station." Bozo offered the crucial information Brick and Spiritwind had been missing.
"A bus station? Why would They send us to a bus station for a night out? Well I'm having fun wherever we are. Barman, another round please." The barman picked up his tray and shuffled, disgruntled, towards the pumps. It wasn't even table service, but he didn't want to get in to another argument with the well haired weirdo.
"We shouldn't really. The bus is coming very early." Bozo protested.
"Bus, Schmus. That's almost your name." Bozo redirected Brick's pointing finger towards the right trainee henchman. It didn't stop him talking. "Forget buses. We'll take you. We have a fine craft that would love nothing more than a little jaunt across the galaxy."
"Well. Thank you very much." Schmuk accepted with a disapproving glare from his friend.
"Not a problem. Do you think that dragon fancies a pint?" Brick slid off his stool and approached the bar once more as Huffy Le Roy's prepared for its busiest night since the great train strike of 90210.
Contents
Chapter Five
Brick awoke to find space staring back at him. He considered trying to stare it out before remembering something about infinity. He sat in the pedalo that served as a control panel for their ship. The auto pilot was firmly on.
Brick left his seat and fell straight into the ball pool that supported the novelty boat. He swam through it and pulled himself on to the carpeted floor. He stood up, thinking of an amusing way to stir his friend's slumber, although once he saw his bald companion he decided against it; Spiritwind shared a sofa with two beasts of defiant bulk, and they looked ready to rip you inside out even when at rest.
Brick scuttled back to the control panel.
"Magic, Magic! Wake up." Brick spoke to the ship.
"Miles times speed squared. Oh morning. Sorry about that, must have dozed off for a second."
"Don't worry about that. Why are there two monsters in the living room?" Brick noticed the ship had a definite direction in mind, and was heading there at quite a pace. "And where are we going?"
"Erm......Should I review the security footage from last night?"
"It can't confuse things anymore."
"Here we go, nope, sorry; wrong night, although it was you that broke that vase and not me after all. I've been worried about that all week."
"Now is not the time for blame. Just find out who they are." Brick looked back out the window as Magic fumbled around with various reels of film. Brick wondered how anyone knew where anything was in the vastness of space. He could barely keep track of his socks.
Turning to check on the beasts he found Spiritwind standing at the door, sausage butty in hand.
"You're wondering who the two behemoths in the living room are, aren't you?" Spiritwind could read his friend better than a large print dictionary in a well-lit library.
"I thought you were asleep with your girlfriends." Brick tried to divert the question with an added tickle of mockery.
"I woke up." The bald hero searched for the mayonnaise he knew sat somewhere in the cockpit.
"You call that an answer." Judgemental tone was the only place Brick had to hide.
"I call it what happened."
"Oh no; I fear my evil ways have followed me." Magic interrupted. "We're on our way to The University of Evil and Generally Mean Doings. I must have betrayed you in the night." Magic's overwhelming guilt resurfaced.
"Of course we're going to Evil University. Brick offered them a lift to their henchman training course." Spiritwind found his condiment and immediately dipped his snack.
"If I had a better memory of last night's events, I'd dispute that." Brick felt he had to clarify his situation.
"Like you disputed breaking that vase." Spiritwind's smug wink barely had time to be noted before another voice entered the hull of the craft.
"Welcome to The University of Evil and Generally Mean Doings. Your application is being verified." A voice befitting a gravel worm the size of a bus rippled around the craft. It stirred Bozo and Schmuk from their slumber, and left Brick with a hopeful punt.
"I don't suppose that was you, Magic?" The ship didn't have time to answer.
"Your application is accepted. Welcome Bozo, Schmuk, and the as yet unidentified pair that will be joining you."
Brick and Spiritwind did a quick mental count of everyone on board. They hoped two people would emerge from the bathroom. The agonising moments that followed suggested if they were in there, they were staying there.
"Be warned that any attempt to leave the course before completion will result in vengeance visiting your entire family and anyone you've ever liked. Even just a little bit. Welcome again. May your stay with us be a fruitful one; an old rotting fruit, but still fruit nonetheless."
"Something potentially bad just happened, didn't it?" Brick had an unerring skill for spotting trouble at the exact point you could do nothing about it.
"You mean aside from our guests awaking." Spiritwind turned to the living area and dipped his hand in the ball pool. Retrieving a handful of mini rolls and hangover phials, he provided breakfast and a hello for their guests. "Morning; we made it, as promised." The beastly duo weren't entirely sure why they weren't on a bus.
"Who? What?" Bozo could only be sure his head no longer wanted to be a part of his body.
"Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload." Brick sauntered across, supplying pseudonyms as he went. As insignificant as their recognition had been, it seemed a basic error to use the names of two registered grade five heroes. "Your two new buddies. He doesn't remember." Brick turned disappointedly towards Spiritwind. The snacking friend shook his head in agreed sorrow. "Oh the times we shared."
Bozo smiled in the hope his memory would furnish him with a clue. It didn't. He tried to jump-start it with information. "So, you two are studying at Evil University too?"
"It would appear so." Brick's contemplative tone still wasn't sure how. He'd only intended to dance badly with women and eat fried chicken.
"Yes, we're on the megalomaniac course. That's why we decided it made more sense to all travel together." Spiritwind pushed the tale along, sorting their career options along the way.
"Did we?" Bozo looked towards Schmuk.
"Must of." Schmuk had nothing to offer in disagreement.
The voice from before, interrupted once more. "You will come in to view of our dastardly planet in a matter of moments. Upon landing you will proceed to parking bay 4444. At 0600 you must attend the induction where you will be given your timetable and rooms for the period of your stay. Keep it nasty."
"Six in the morning? That is mean." Brick looked out of the window as an Earth sized planet rolled in front of them. It remained dark and with minimal atmosphere, volcanic in essence, tearing itself apart.
"It's 0550 now." Spiritwind tried to add urgency. It just released a huff from everyone.
"You're not drinking again. The consequences are becoming ridiculous." Brick rebuked his friend.
"Becoming?" Nobody could argue with such a thought.
Contents
Chapter Six
Spon sat proudly in the main lecture theatre that doubled as the induction hall. A slightly raised area and thirty feet of lush, green, carpet separated the staff from the tiered seating. The current intake of students littered the chairs, predominantly towards the back. Those there for the henchman course were fuel
led by the testosterone that had pumped their bulk, much of it spilling in to threatening postures and stares of dominance. The more thoughtful and mysterious megalomaniacs scrabbled for the supplied shadows to lurk mysteriously within, surveying their competition and attempting to give the air they were not to be trifled with. The mad scientists and dungeon keepers were more obvious, and shuffled uncomfortably, awaiting introduction to their labs and underground lairs respectively, where they could feel at social ease once more.
Paintings adorned the theatre, all in neat frames and as large as the outside walls of most semi-detached houses, depicting bygone creatures of infamy, and burning lairs. A space had been prepared for the latest edition: Insidious Chi.
Dip Sing paced back and forth on the stage. He'd made the same welcome speech hundreds of times, but talking to crowds was far beyond his comfort zone. He stared at the stand that sat at the apex of the stage, cursing its presence and imagining how it would taste between two slices of bread.
The seating was about a quarter full, roughly the expected numbers. Spon surveyed the scene for anyone who may stand out as a potential candidate to become the figurehead of the alumni. There was nothing obvious, although one pair did cause intrigue.
The smaller one had a Swiss army knife for an arm and what appeared to be concrete facial hair. His bigger cohort had a concrete mane. They were certainly ahead of the rest on physical quirks, co-ordinated oddities too. It was a good beginning. He continued to peruse as another large beast wandered towards the cemented duo.
"So what are you here to study? Is that concrete facial hair? Nice touch. Tricky substance concrete, don't want it setting before you're ready....." Yakkety Yak lived up to his name in both chatter and Yak like appearance. Although humanoid in shape, and massive in build, his oxen head and shaggy haired body left nobody in any doubt as to where one half of his family genes had begun.
"Bum-Raa is my name, if you insist on continuing to speak to me."