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Logan and I had a lovely morning together. We, of course, stopped by Dairy Queen and got ourselves a milkshake, then we went back home and changed clothes. Afterward, we left again and decided to see a movie. I have to say, that was the best part of the day.
I missed days like this, just me and Logan, doing whatever we wanted, without interruption. The past few times we tried to see a movie, the General always called needing Logan at the base ASAP.
I knew it was his job, but he was my husband, I wanted alone time with him and sometimes, we had to skip our little date nights. But today was worth the wait and I think he enjoyed the day just as well as I did.
"Now, before we go in... I've heard about this kind of therapy before. I've had a few of my soldiers go through it and Caroline, this is no easy task. They're meant to break you and that's exactly what they'll do. But don't lie to them, tell them the truth and this will go a lot faster. I don't care whose feelings it hurts, just do it, alright?"
"Logan, I wasn't planning on lying, if this helps you... Helps us, then it's worth it."
"Good, then we agree. Now, come on. Let's get this over with. The guys always said the first one was the worst."
I chuckle, "Way to make me feel better, Logan."
"Well, I'm just being honest." He adds as we start to walk up to a large white building near the back of the base.
"Are you sure this is it?" I ask curiously.
Logan points to a sign as we approach the front door, Fort Lee Therapy Building, est. 1923.
As we enter the waiting area, we see the General sitting near the front desk. He stands to welcome us. "Right on time. I've already spoken with the therapists and right now, I'd like to introduce you to Dr. Wilson and Dr. French." A tall man around the age of forty is standing with a short, black haired woman around the same age. "Logan, you'll be talking with Dr. Wilson while Caroline talks with Dr. French. Once they feel like they've gotten to know you, we'll come together in a conference room as they discuss their findings."
I follow the lady down a long hallway and into an office. There're all kinds of pictures and paintings on the wall. "Caroline, very nice to meet you. The General thinks a lot of you and your husband." She smiles as we sit down.
"We think a lot of him as well."
"So, do you have any questions for me before we begin? Or are you ready?"
I don’t hesitate, "I'm ready."
"Wonderful, now we have one rule. Be honest. That's all we ask. Now, why don't you tell me how you and Logan met?"
I take a deep breath as I begin, "Well, a few years ago, I was engaged to a soldier, Nick, who died in the war. Logan was his commanding officer and I met him at the funeral. It was then that he became my grief counselor..."
"Interesting... I was told by the General that you aren't from Virginia? How did you end up here?"
"I'm originally from Kentucky. There was one night that I called Logan in a panic. Nick's mother showed up at my house and she was trying to kill me..."
That definitely shocked her. "His mother didn't like you?"
"No, not at all... Ever since I met him in ninth grade, she always had it out for me, but when he died, she blamed me and tried to kill me. She had a gun and Logan killed her before she could get to me..."
"Well, it seems like you've lived through some very traumatic events, Caroline."
I nod, "I have and to this day, I really don't think I would have made it without Logan."
She smiles, "I certainly see why you fell in love with him, after all, he did save your life... So, you moved here right after the incident?"
"Yes. I moved on base with Logan, then I bought a house shortly after."
"And you two started dating during that time?"
I nod, "That was when Logan seemed to be very interested in me. We waited a while, though, I needed some time to heal from losing Nick."
"Of course. So, then you got married and I was told you two had your second anniversary right before Logan got shipped out again?"
"That's correct, that was the day that I told him I was pregnant."
She looks up from her clipboard, "Congratulations, by the way. Children are one of the many joys of this world."
"Do you have any?" I ask curiously.
"Oh, yes. Three, actually. Two girls and a boy... Alright, now, tell me how you felt when Logan left? Did you contact him in any way?"
"Absolutely, we wrote letters to each other almost every day. He always wanted to keep up with my pregnancy and I sent him pictures of my growing belly every week."
"Were you angry with him for leaving?"
Oh, the hard questions... "No, I wasn't angry, I was terrified. I was afraid that I would lose him like I did Nick... When I heard about the attack, I felt like a part of me was dead and when I found out that it was his unit, I panicked."
"Anyone would, there's always that saying, 'History repeats itself', but thank God, he made it back. Speaking of which, how did you feel when you talked to him? Heard that he was okay?"
"I was relieved, of course. I was so terrified to lose him and I didn't want this baby to be fatherless. I felt like Logan was my chance to have a soul mate, to be normal for the first time in my life."
She cocks an eyebrow. "You didn't feel that way with Nick?”
"He was my first love, but he wasn't Logan. They’re different in ways that I can't explain..." I trail off.
"You felt like yourself with Logan?"
"Yes... When Nick died, I was at my worst. I was depressed, I lost Nick, all my wedding plans, and then his mother attempted to kill me... I mean, what else could go wrong? But Logan stuck with me, he made me realize that I was still alive and I should live my life the way Nick would have wanted."
"And when Logan came home yesterday, the General had warned you of his condition?"
"Yes, again, I was terrified that the Logan I knew wouldn't return."
"Did that change when he threw the vase? Where you afraid?"
"That was my fault. He was accusing me of things that I would never do and I raised my voice. That's when he got upset and I knew I shouldn't have, but when you're pregnant, you never know what'll come out of your mouth. I was actually afraid of him for the first time... I was afraid that he would hurt me or the baby."
She sighs, "Trust me, I know exactly what you mean. But don't blame yourself, you did the right thing. If you hadn't, we wouldn't be here today and who knows, Logan could have done much worse... So, what did you do when this event took place?"
"Logan knocked Nick's honorary flag off the mantle and broke the frame. I went over and picked up the flag, then I left. I went outside and sat in a field for a while. I kept arguing with myself, I didn't know whether to go back or not. I actually had plans to leave and sleep at a friend’s house until I went back inside. Logan felt guilty and I didn't want to leave the first night he came home... I had been waiting for that moment for months. That's when we made a deal, I would stay if he came to therapy."
"That was a very smart thing to do. I advise you to do the same if this, God forbid, ever happens again. If you feel like you're in danger, leave. Give him time to cool off. Now, let's go see what Dr. Wilson has found... It was very nice talking to you, Caroline. You are a very strong woman." She shakes my hand as we head back down the long hallway.
She opens the second door on the right as we enter a large conference room. The General, Dr. Wilson, and Logan sit around a large table. She points to a chair across from Logan. I sit down as she sits beside Dr. Wilson.
I glance at Logan, but he doesn't meet my gaze. He seems very uneasy... The two Doctor's whisper amongst themselves for a few minutes as the General speaks up. "I think we should start with Dr. French."
She looks up and begins, "My time with Caroline was interesting. She's a very strong woman. I'm a therapist and even knowing a lot about depression, if I went through what she did, I don't think I could have made it. She seems perfect on the outside but I think de
ep down, she's very hurt. I don't believe she ever came to terms with Nick's passing and I think Logan's issue bothers her more than she says... She said something to me that I think you should hear," She looks to Logan, "She's not only afraid for herself, she's afraid for her baby."
Logan doesn't do anything. He doesn't look at me, he doesn't even look at her, he just stares at the middle of the table.
The General interrupts, "Dr. Wilson."
He sighs, "Honestly, General, I'm at a loss for words..."
What does that mean? "Well, what was your first impression?" The General asks, trying to get the conversation going.
"Honestly, I didn't think anything was wrong. But the more I talked with him, I just, I can't believe it. Out of all the people I've talked with over the last twenty years, I've never seen such issues. There's so much underneath the surface that no one else sees... He never got over the fact that his best friend died, he felt guilty that he took his fiancé, and he feels like everything that's happened to all the soldiers in his unit was his fault, he feels bad that he never got to know his dad, and he feels like he didn’t keep his promise to Nick. He feels like he didn’t take care of Caroline the way he wanted.”
That was definitely a shock. He’s taken good care of me, probably better than Nick ever would have… Why would he feel guilty for falling in love with me?
The General speaks up, “Now, we’re going to leave the room for a bit and let you discuss these issues alone. We’ll be right outside.” They all leave the room as I hear the door shut behind them.
It stays quiet for a minute before I finally start the conversation, “Why would you feel guilty for loving me?”
His eyes quickly meet mine, “I never said that. I felt guilty because you were supposed to be Nick’s wife, not mine.”
The more he kept talking the more upset I began to get. “Logan, you were the one that proposed to me, remember? You’re also the one that got all excited when I finally agreed to date you!”
“Caroline, that’s not what I meant. I just felt like I was betraying Nick.”
“And you don’t think I didn’t? Logan, he’s dead. Remember what I told you at the bridge? He was happy you were there! He was happy that I married you!”
“Care, I don’t think the wind is going to tell me what my dead best friend would have wanted… How do I know what he thought? You said it, he’s dead.”
“Yes, he is and I married you. If Nick hadn’t have died, we wouldn’t have met. And what about this promise? You’ve taken very good care of me.”
“I left you. By yourself, while you were pregnant. That’s totally taking care of you.” He adds sarcastically.
“Logan, it was your freakin’ job! Besides, I had Helen and Alex, and look at me, I’m fine! And you’re back now.”
He stands up and hits the table, making a loud noise as all the others come running in. The General and Dr. Wilson run to Logan’s side. Dr. French tries to get me to leave the room, but I don’t, not when Logan starts talking again. “How do you think it makes me feel when you’re afraid of me? I used to be your go-to person. And now you’re terrified of me. I would never hurt you or that baby and you know it!”
Dr. French butts in, “Logan, the way you’re acting right now, how could she not be just a little afraid of you?”
He doesn’t answer as I push past the Doctor and leave the room. I hear the General in the background, “Logan, you’re not helping matters.” I hear him groan as I walk out of the building.
I don’t think any of this helped, as a matter of fact, I think all it did was make it worse. What was I going to do? After all, they said, I just don’t know if I can take this anymore, it can’t be healthy for me or the baby…