Read You're the Closest to Heaven That I'll Ever Be Page 4

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  “So, how was your first day?” Lily sat down next to Hayden in the cool grass beneath the tree he fell from when they first met.

  “Good,” Hayden lied.

  “Make any new friends?” She asked, hopeful.

  “Not really...” He looked down at his lap, shameful.

  Lily scooted over closer to him. “I'm sure you'll make some soon.” She tried to sound positive.

  She watched as Hayden reached up to fix his bangs. She noticed he had been doing that quite a lot lately. His sleeve fell a little and she saw his cut up arm peek out from underneath. But what was cut into his arm was even worse. He had engraved her name in his arm with deep, scarred cuts. A feeling of fear and panic washed over her.

  “Um, Hayden, I have to go.” She stood up abruptly.

  “Wait,” He reached for her but she was just out of reach.

  Now he began to wonder what he had done to scare away the one person who finally understood him.

  She needed to get away because she was afraid he was hurting himself because of her. What she didn't realize was that she was hurting him by not being around.

  Ch. 5

  Three days had gone by and Lily did everything she could to avoid Hayden. In the back of her mind, she knew she needed to confront him about it but she didn’t know how to go about it. If she saw him walking down the hallway, she would purposely go a different way. She knew she needed to suck it up and just talk to him but sucking it up and growing some balls was easier said than done.

  Hayden hadn’t really noticed Lily avoiding him much over the past three days. Sure, he had noticed her acting a little different but he didn’t think much of it. He was too wrapped up in a secret little project—sort of like a surprise—just for her. He just had to figure out how to talk to her. And school was clearly not the place to do it.

  After school that day, Hayden walked home alone. Lily hadn’t been on the bus. As he walked by her house, he looked over and slowed his pace. He looked at the seemingly still house and figured no one was home. He sighed and figured she was out with one of her many friends. But then he thought he saw her walk by the window.

  Just do it. He thought. Don’t be such a chicken. Just go up to the door and ask her.

  He gathered up his courage and walked up the brick path to the large front door. He knocked twice and waited. Nothing. He knocked again. Nothing. Now he was getting frustrated. He swore he thought he saw someone pass by the window. He knocked one more time and the door was pulled open roughly.

  “What, Hayden?” Lily stood there in front of him.

  “Um, hi.” He said. “Are you busy right now?”

  Lily crossed her arms over her chest. “Why do you ask?”

  “Oh, come on, Lily. I don’t know what I did wrong but I wish you would stop ignoring me.”

  Lily hopped down onto the front step and pulled the door closed behind her. “Fine. What do you want?”

  Hayden smiled. “Come with me.” He led her down the sidewalk.

  He sat her down beneath the tree he fell from and pulled out his guitar from behind the tall trunk of the tree. He sat down beside her and began to sing.

  I’d give up forever to touch you, ‘cause I know that you feel me somehow. You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be and I don’t want to go home right now. And all I can taste is this moment. And all I can breathe is your life. And sooner or later it’s over. I just don’t want to miss you tonight.

  He strummed his guitar as he sang.

  Yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive.

  Lily reached up and wiped away a tear.

  And I don’t want the world to see me, ‘cause I don’t think that they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

  He played the last few notes before looking up at Lily, sitting there with tears staining her cheeks.

  “Hayden,” She began but he stopped her with a kiss.

  The kiss was gentle, yet passionate. It was like electricity shot through her whole body. He pulled away and she hungered for more.

  “Lily, open your eyes.” Hayden’s voice sailed through her ears like sweet music.

  She didn’t want to open her eyes because she didn’t want the kiss to be over. But she sighed and obeyed.

  “So, you liked the song?” Hayden asked.

  “Is that why I never saw you for the past few days?” She inquired.

  “Hey, you were the one ignoring me.” Hayden defended.

  Lily looked down and started picking at the blades of grass next to her. “Yeah… About that…”

  “What’s wrong?” Concern filled Hayden’s tone of voice.

  “Remember when you said that I was the one who needed help?” She referred back to the time Hayden had seen her with the box of razors.

  “Yeah…?” Hayden asked skeptically.

  “Well… I don’t think I’m the only one who needs help, Hayden.” She held her breath and waited for a reaction which she predicted wouldn’t be a positive one.

  Hayden’s eyes widened. She couldn’t have seen it. She wasn’t supposed to have known. This was bad. This was so bad.

  Ch. 6

  If you stop, I'll stop

  Hayden's voice sailed through he mind as she sat there in her silent room with the razor blade hovering over her clear, pale skin. She wanted to stop but the voices wouldn't let her. They became louder and more powerful, drowning out Hayden's soothing voice.

  You're fat.

  You're ugly.

  You're no good.

  You'll never be good enough.

  You'll never be like your friends, the girls who get all the boys.

  Boys don't like girls like you.

  Why do you think you haven't had a boyfriend before? Because you haven't come across the right guy? Wrong. You're not pretty, that's why. They'll never like you.

  You might as well stop trying.

  Go ahead. Put that blade to your wrist. Let yourself bleed out.

  Take those pills over there on the counter. You'll be doing everyone a favor.

  You want to make everyone happy? Disappear. Do it.

  I dare you.

  Her eyes stung with tears as her shaky hand still held the blade over her arm. She hadn't even brought it to her skin yet and already her body trembled from how hard she was crying. Just the voices were enough to make her break down. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she pressed the cool metal against her skin.

  “Lily, stop!” Hayden's voice shot through her like a dagger but she didn't listen to it.

  She felt a pair of strong hands grab onto her arms and yank the razor out of her hands.

  “You promised me. You said if I stopped, you would stop too!” He sounded so helpless.

  Lily opened her eyes and saw Hayden standing there in front of her. She sniffled. “I'm sorry, Hayden. I was just so lonely. And the voices wouldn't stop. I knew that cutting would be the only way to satisfy them.”

  Hayden sat down on the bed next to her. “Lily, voices are just voices. They aren't real. You can't listen to them. Think of me next time. Imagine me singing to you. Think of that voice and let it overpower the rest.”

  She nodded and looked down at her lap. “Hey, what's that?” She noticed the small notebook in Hayden's hands.

  “No-Nothing.” Hayden hid it behind his back.

  “Come on, Hayden.” Lily whined. “Let me see it!” She lunged forward and pinned him to the bed to try and grab it out of his hands.

  “Okay, okay!” Hayden tried to gently push her off himself. “Fine. It's all my songs...”

  “You write songs?” Lily asked.

  "Yeah... I want to form a band someday." Hayden looked down and turned the black notebook over in his hands.

  “Well, why not now? I'll help you! We can have auditions here in my basement and once the band is formed, I'll help you with rehearsals and booking gigs and such. I can be like your manager!” Lily was al
l about helping people. If someone needed something, she was always there to help.

  “Are-Are you serious? You would do that for me? Really?” Hayden looked up at her from behind his raven locks and smiled.

  “Of course! Now, let's go start making flyers and plan this audition session.” She smiled, taking him by the hand and leading him down the stairs.

  Ch. 7

  Hayden and Lily stayed after school the next day and covered every bare spot on the walls with advertisement posters for their band auditions. Now all they had to do was wait until Saturday and hope that someone would show up for auditions.

  It was finally the weekend and Hayden was over at Lily's house on Friday night helping her set up the basement for tomorrow's band auditions.

  "Wanna sleep over tonight?" Lily asked Hayden as they sat in her basement playing Guitar Hero.

  "Your parents wouldn't mind?" Hayden asked in return.

  "Hayden, my parents don't care. They barely even know I'm here. They're not going to care you're staying over." Lily put the plastic guitar down and stood up from the chair.

  "Well, okay. I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind either." Hayden put his guitar down as well and followed Lily up the stairs and out the front door.

  They walked back to Hayden's house so he could grab his things before heading back to Lily's house for the night.

  Lily watched Hayden set up his bed on the floor from where she was sitting on her comfy bed and something came over her. "Do you want to sleep in the bed with me?"

  Hayden smiled. "Yeah, it would be a hell of a lot better than the floor." He stood up and crawled into the bed next to her.

  "But try anything and I cut your balls off." Lily warned.

  "Understood." Hayden nodded and slid further down under the blankets as Lily turned out the light.

  The bed smelled just like her. She always smelled like flowers. He thought that made her name even more perfect for her.

  He lay there and stared up at the ceiling. For whatever reason, he couldn't sleep. He heard Lily mumble something to herself in her sleep and felt her shift and turn her body over. She involuntarily snuggled up into his side with her head resting on his shoulder and her hand on his chest, tangling her legs with his. There was something about having her close to him that made everything better. She made him comfortable. He closed his eyes and fell asleep to the steady sound of her breathing.