She said, ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I had to see you.’
‘Has something happened?’
Her mum barred the door with her arm. ‘Inside!’
Ellie ignored her. ‘Is Karyn OK?’
‘We have to talk.’
Her mum tried to nudge her. ‘Dad’s only in the shower. If he comes down, there’ll be hell to pay.’
Nobody’s dad was scaring him off and he took a step closer to prove it. ‘You haven’t been at school. I waited at the gate every afternoon.’
‘I missed a few days and now I’ve got study leave.’
‘I texted you. You never texted back.’
‘I’m sorry. I thought it was best.’
He shuffled his feet on the grass. ‘There’s something I have to tell you.’
‘Something important?’
‘Kind of.’
She gazed at him steadily for a second, then turned to her mum. ‘Is that OK?’
Her mum glanced behind her, looked uncertain. ‘What about Dad?’
Ellie smiled softly at her. ‘Do you have to tell him?’
Her mum fiddled with a button on her dressing gown. ‘All right, I’ll make some excuse.’ She nodded at Mikey. ‘Make it quick.’
She wandered back up the hallway. Ellie pulled the door shut behind her and looked at him. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’
But he was lost for words. When he thought about her, he remembered her at the cottage, her eyes fiery, daring to love him. But standing here in front of him, she looked defeated and sad. He hadn’t imagined this.
She shouldn’t be here with him. She should be up in her room with her revision notes and practice papers, watching the morning stretch across the ceiling. She shouldn’t be in the garden with this strange warmth filtering through her.
‘You want to walk somewhere?’ he said.
She wanted to run, not walk – down to the river and under the trees. For days she’d thought of him and now he was here, so close and beautiful it hurt.
She shook her head. ‘I can’t.’
‘That’s not a reason. Tell me why not.’
What could she say? Because they might kiss again? Because if they did she might not know how to stop, or even if she wanted to? Because Karyn deserved not to be hurt any more? Because Mikey deserved to get on with his life and the best way of doing that was for her to leave him alone?
‘What have they done to you, Ellie?’
Why did she love it so much when he said her name out loud? Like no one else had ever done it.
‘Nothing.’ She sat down on the step and hugged her knees. ‘I mustn’t be long.’
He sat down next to her. She didn’t look at him. If she looked, she’d fall and she’d promised herself she wouldn’t.
He said, ‘Is your dad still giving you a hard time?’
‘He’s mostly going for the silent treatment now.’
‘And how’s your brother?’
‘You want to talk about him?’
‘Why not?’
Because if she talked about Tom, she might give soft parts of herself away. And she mustn’t be weak. She shrugged, pretended not to care. ‘He’s scared mostly. I’m not allowed to see him any more, but that’s what they tell me.’
‘What about your mum – is she being nice?’
‘Yeah, she’s cool. She says reassuring things and I say them back. What about you? How’s your life? You got another job yet?’
‘Not yet. My mum rang up the college though and they really do have an NVQ in catering. You remember when I said about that?’
She nodded. It was the very first night, by the river.
‘Anyway,’ he said, ‘it might come to nothing, but I got the forms and filled them in, so you never know.’ He nudged her. ‘I might see you there in September.’
But she wouldn’t, because if he got into college she’d have to go somewhere else. Maybe there was some great-aunt no one had told her about who she could stay with? Or perhaps she’d live in her gran’s cottage and do a distance learning course. She’d grow flowers, swim. Let Mikey go.
His foot came off the step and onto the grass next to her foot, and suddenly their two feet were together. Knock, knock, his foot touched hers and it felt like hers was on fire, as if her whole being lived where he touched.
She snatched her foot away and shuffled further along the step. ‘So, what did you want to tell me?’
She kept very still as he pulled out his tobacco and put a cigarette together. ‘It’s about Karyn,’ he said.
‘What about her?’
‘I didn’t want you to find out by text.’
‘Just tell me.’
He lit the rollie behind his cupped hand and took a long drag. He blew it out hard, then looked right at her. ‘She’s going back to school on Tuesday to do her Art exam.’
They looked at each other for a second. It felt like a needle had found the centre of her pain. ‘The same exam as me.’
‘I know.’
The two of them in the same room for the whole day, surrounded by vicious kids who’d treat the whole thing as entertainment.
‘They offered her a room on her own,’ he said, ‘but she didn’t want it. She wants to be the same as everyone else. I thought you should know, but maybe the school told you already.’
‘They didn’t.’
He inched closer. ‘Are you OK?’
She looked away across the lawn to the gate. ‘I could have the room on my own. They could give it to me instead.’
‘Karyn said you’d say that.’
‘Did she? Is that what she wants? That’s fine, I’ll ask them to do that. Or I could take the exam some other time. I’ll do it next year, or something.’
‘Ellie, stop doing this.’
‘Stop doing what?’
‘Punishing yourself.’ He leaned against the door frame so he faced her. ‘It was your brother who hurt Karyn, not you.’
She jumped up. ‘I have to go now.’
‘Is that it? You’re just going to walk away?’
He sighed and stood up. She tried to take notice of everything about him as he rubbed dirt from his jeans, pocketed the tobacco and ambled down the steps. She wanted to think of him later in her room, after he was gone. She loved the easiness of his body, the swing of his hips. He turned on the grass. His eyes were brown and gold. He had long eyelashes. He clenched his teeth, a muscle working there, making his jaw tense. His eyes glimmered with something dark.
It was stupid. How could two people really like each other and not be allowed to be together? Why not? Why couldn’t they? Standing there on the lawn, he felt suddenly furious. She was turning away from the one good thing to come out of this mess.
He took a step back towards her. ‘Come for a walk.’
She shook her head, wouldn’t look at him. ‘I can’t.’
‘Listen, I know you think we hurt everyone by being together, but we fixed things too.’
‘What did we fix?’
‘Karyn’s not stuck in the flat any more.’
‘She wouldn’t’ve been there in the first place if I’d said something sooner.’
That was it, that was what was making him mad. It was like she was caught in some groove of punishing herself. It was exactly what Karyn had done when she locked herself away. Ellie had taken some of the load from Karyn’s shoulders, but now she was carrying it around instead. And it didn’t belong to either of them – it belonged to Tom bloody Parker.
He held out his hand. ‘Come with me. I’m taking you to see Karyn.’
‘What? No!’
‘You did something really difficult to help her and she knows that. You’re so certain she hates you? Ask her yourself.’
She looked horrified. ‘I can’t do that.’
‘Why not? What do you think she’ll do?’
‘I don’t think she’ll do anything, but it’ll make her feel crap. It took me weeks to tell the truth. I deleted her best
evidence!’
‘Because you weren’t sure what the truth was and you didn’t want the pictures on the internet.’ He was surprised how reasonable he sounded, but he was sure of this. ‘Karyn’s getting help – from cops, victim support – she’s not on her own. You have to stand in court and grass your brother up and no one’s going to help you. Even now you could change your mind, but you’re not. In my book, that’s brave.’ He moved a step closer, ‘Come on, let’s go and ask Karyn what she thinks.’
She took a step back. ‘My mum’s calling.’
‘I didn’t hear anything.’
‘Or maybe it was my dad.’
‘Stop it, Ellie. This is me, and I can see exactly what you’re doing. Punishing yourself won’t help.’
‘I’m not doing it on purpose!’ He watched a blush creep like dye across her cheeks. ‘I feel so ashamed.’
‘Karyn doesn’t see it like that.’
‘How does she see it?’
‘I guess she realizes she might have done the same thing as you, if it was the other way round.’
Ellie sighed. The door and the bricks of the house were glazed with sunlight. She was bathed in it.
‘I wrote her a letter,’ she said, ‘but I never sent it. Tom’s still pleading not guilty, you know that, don’t you? Karyn’s going to have to lay down her soul, and all that will happen is everyone will know her private life. It’ll be horrible and actually, nothing will change.’
‘That’s not your fault. Karyn knows the score. She’s always quoting statistics at me.’ He took a step nearer. ‘I know you think I’m a bad influence, and maybe I am, but can’t we at least spend some time together?’ He leaned closer, wanted her to understand that Karyn didn’t mind as much as she thought. Only this morning, Karyn had sussed he was coming here and given him that mocking half-smile she was so good at. Tell her I’ll come to the wedding, she’d said, but I’m not being bridesmaid. And if that brother of hers is there, I can’t guarantee his safety. He couldn’t tell Ellie that though, it’d freak her out – make her think he was seriously about to propose.
‘Listen,’ he said, ‘Karyn’s out of the flat loads, she has tons of support, and yes, I know your brother’s pleading not guilty, and yes, the court case will be a nightmare, and yes, your dad’s a tosser, and yes, my mum still drinks sherry for breakfast and hides it in the airing cupboard and hopes none of us notice. Miracles don’t happen overnight, Ellie, and we don’t have to fling it in Karyn’s face, but maybe we can grab something good out of this while we can?’
‘Well,’ she said, tilting her head to one side, ‘that’s one way of putting it.’
He laughed. ‘Come for a walk. Get changed out of those pyjamas and let’s go somewhere.’
A bird cried and flapped from one tree to another. They both watched it and it changed something. She softened.
‘Look,’ she said, ‘the sky is gold.’
It was true. The sun had risen over the rim of the gate. Pink and gold bled together; the tops of the trees washed with light.
‘Come on, Ellie, just a walk. No harm done. We’re on the same team, you and me.’
She frowned at him, puzzled. Light collided with the wall behind her. ‘Team McKenzie?’
He smiled. ‘Something like that.’
These were the things she left at home – pyjamas, slippers, dressing gown, revision, parents.
‘I’m off,’ she said from the doorway.
Mum and Dad turned from the breakfast table to look at her. They took her all in, from the red lips to the summer dress, from the length of exposed leg, to the new sandals.
She gave her mum a kiss on the cheek. ‘See you later.’
She smiled. ‘You look lovely, Ellie. Off you go.’
Dad said, ‘So, it’s just a walk you’re going on, is it?’
‘Yep. It’s a beautiful day out there.’
‘And how does the weather explain the lipstick?’
‘Just expressing myself.’
‘That’s not an explanation.’
He kept on frowning. Ellie felt sad about the look that passed between her parents – strained, polite, held-in. Mum might suffer for this walk; she certainly would if Dad found out who Ellie was going with. But, later, maybe Ellie would dare to tell him, and maybe, just maybe, her mum would support her while she did it. Event by event, she’d try and whittle her dad down.
She kissed him on the top of his head to say goodbye. He looked stunned. ‘Don’t be all day,’ he said gruffly. ‘You’ve got plenty of revision to do.’
‘Yeah, yeah, my whole future’s at stake, I know.’
It came out worse than she meant it to. It came out like she didn’t care. But she did. It was about balances. There were many hours in a day to revise and only a few had sunshine in them.
Sometimes, if you want something badly enough, you can make it happen. If you miss someone so desperately that it wrecks your insides, you say their name over and over until you conjure them. It’s called sympathetic magic and you just have to believe in it to make it work.
Here was a whole new reality – her and Mikey, the early morning sun rising over the gate and the day becoming itself.
Her dress was circles of orange and green, bright as Ferris wheels. He wanted to whistle, but stopped himself.
Instead, he said, ‘Wow, you look amazing.’
She smiled. ‘My dad’s still capable of a bribe, even when he isn’t talking to me. The dress is a taster of what’s to come if I knuckle down and get ten A-stars in my exams.’
‘You’re going to earn yourself a whole new wardrobe.’
‘Not if I keep hanging out with you.’
She nudged him to show she didn’t mean it badly, then pressed the secret button that opened the gate. They stood side by side in the lane as it slid shut behind them.
‘That leads to town,’ she said, pointing left, ‘and that leads to somewhere else.’
They looked across the field together. The whole place was edged with trees and the sun shone on the mud and green leaves pushed their way into the air. Two crows landed as they watched, then took straight off again.
‘I’m up for it, if you are,’ he said.
They walked around the edge. It was furrowed and the mud had dried in the sun and was hard under their feet. They talked about Karyn a bit more and about the court case, but once they got through that, there were so many other things to talk about. She told him about her Art exam and how she was doing a project called ‘Red’, and she told him that now the weather was warmer she was planning on getting back to her swimming.
‘You promised me a swim in the sea,’ he said, ‘remember?’
She raised an eyebrow. He loved it when she did that. ‘Well, you promised to teach me how to cook.’
‘I will.’
‘All promises are good then.’
He told her about Dex being upset that Mikey hadn’t confided in him, how Dex had said he could do his day release at the pub if he got on the NVQ course. He shared his theory that Jacko fancied Karyn and how it was the last thing he wanted to have a theory about, and yet also how he knew it was none of his business.
As they walked, the weather chased across the field – sun, then shadow, then sun again. The trees waved in the wind, their leaves gearing up for summer.
They came to a path that led through some trees and out onto a different field. This one was bigger, stretched further. Birds reeled up from their sunbathing and twittered overhead. It was beautiful. Maybe it led to the coast. Maybe if they kept walking, they’d reach the sea.
‘I don’t know about you,’ he said, ‘but I want to keep going.’
‘Yes,’ she said, ‘me too.’
He felt perfectly happy as he walked side by side with Ellie, their fingers occasionally brushing, electricity building between them. It was the first time for days, maybe the first time in all his life, that he didn’t want to change anything.
THE END
Acknowledgements
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With thanks to the many people who shared their expertise, their stories, their time – especially Debbie Adler, Chris Rollings, Gonul Guney, Anne McShane, Sarah Pepper, Andrew St. John, Megan Dunn, Anna Owen, Louis Hill, Marion Scott, Bethany Scott, Viv Parker, Simona Balletti, Patrice Lawrence, Nathalie Abi-Ezzi, Cat Goscovitch, Sarah Lerner, Eva Lewin, Stef Pixner, Archie Hill, David Fickling, Bella Pearson, Hannah Featherstone and Catherine Clarke.
Before I Die
Jenny Downham
It’s really going to happen. They said it would, but this is quicker than anyone thought.
Everyone has to die. We all know it.
With only a few months of life left, sixteen-year-old Tessa knows it better than most.
She’s made a list though – ten things she wants to do before she dies. Number one is sex. Starting tonight.
But getting what you want isn’t easy. And getting what you want doesn’t always give you what you need. And sometimes the most unexpected things become important.
Uplifting, life-affirming, joyous – this extraordinary novel celebrates what it is to be alive by confronting what it’s really like to die.
‘Before I Die is so real, so sad, so true – and I so wish I’d written it myself.’ Jacqueline Wilson
‘Beautifully, lyrically written with a penetrating awareness that flows from the book right into the reader. Downham doesn’t shy away from a single taboo … She has written about a life that burned brightly and, in doing so, given us the life-affirming impulse to make ours burn brightly too.’ thebookbag.co.uk
Jenny Downham, You Against Me
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