A Little Love
Copyright 2013 Jerry Rock
A Little Love
“The number you are trying to call is busy.” This was the sixteenth time, in the last five minutes, that I heard that message. 'Why won't she answer my call?', I wondered.
Before I could try calling her again, I got a beep on my phone.
'How could you do this to me? How could you cheat on me.', was the text she had sent.
Now this was odd. I mean yes, I did lie to her, but in no way would it be called cheating. At least not in the way she meant. And I know what she meant, for the texts which followed were self-explanatory.
“Listen there's something I want to tell you”, I had said when we talked a little while ago.
“Yeah?”
“It is about something I told you before.”
“Go on.”
“Mm...first of all, I love you. And what I told you before, about my ex-girlfriend, it wasn't true. None of it was true. I never did...I...love you.”, I said and was nervously waiting for her response.
“Say something”, I continued.
And in reply, she hung up the phone.
This was the first time something like this had happened. This was a big revelation, but I never expected her to react this way, specially after all that had happened between us.
'Maybe someone came in her room'. I tried to comfort myself with various reasons for her disconnecting the phone, but a part of me did know that I had messed it up badly. If only I could have waited for sometime, I could have said it to her face. At least then I could have hugged her and apologised in a better way.
As I continued to demean my intelligence, I got another text from her.
“You broke my trust and used me for your own fun. You played with my heart, Mike. I hate you. I hate you a lot.”
Every word of that message was like a stab to my heart. I felt a hot lump building up in my throat, and with my mother close by, I forced myself to not cry. She didn't know about me and Amy, and I had no interest in letting her know about it. In fact, if she found out, it would make things even worse.
Without wasting any more time, I called her up again. Thankfully, she answered this time.
“Amy, what's wrong with you?”
“What's wrong with me? How dare you ask me this question, Mike? What's wrong with me is that I trusted you. That I thought you were different. I thought you cared about me but I was wrong.”
“I care about you, Amy. I love you.”
“No you don't. You lied to me. Everything between us was a lie.”
“What?”
“You said it yourself, Mike. You never loved me. You lied to me about your feelings. How could you?”
“This wasn't what I said.”
“Then what did you say?”
“I said that I lied about my ex. There was no one. I never had a girl in my life before you. I love you. And that is the truth.”
“I don't know.”, and she hung up again.
'There's no good coming out of this. I have to get to her', I thought, 'and as quickly as possible.'
***
“What if she's not coming today?”, I thought. Our class was supposed to begin at 10:00am, and she was already fifteen minutes late. I couldn't lose my only chance of talking with her. I have to sort it all out, and any delay in our conversation would only degrade any chances of success.
'Finally you are here', I heard the teacher say. She was twenty minutes late, but it is okay. All she's got to do now is walk up and sit next to me, and I'll start explaining.
I knew that she would sit with me. This had been the routine for the entire duration of our classes. In fact, it was during one of these classes, when I expressed my feelings for her.
“I'm getting bored”, she whispered to me.
“Oh really? I thought this was very interesting.”
“No it isn't.”
“Well, Amy, you know what?”
“What?”
“I love you.”
“Awww, I love you too, Mike.”
“I meant not the friend. Actual heart, romance, valentine kind of I love you.”
“Yeah, I love you too.”, she said, smiling.
I wish I could have hugged her then and there. But with the teacher looking on, all I could do is smile back at her. Who says mathematics class is always boring.
While this memory cheered me up a bit, I looked around to see her talking to the teacher, asking permission to sit in the other class. The 'why' for it wasn't really hard to guess, but someone unaware of what had happened a few hours ago would have reacted exactly the same way as our teacher did. Our entire class, including the teacher, knew about the story between Mike and Amy, and everyone who heard her was surprised at her sudden request.
She did get the permit though, and I sat there planning my next move. I will talk to her after the class.
***
I thought of everything I could say to her. About what I actually told to her on phone. About what I truly feel for her. And about how I value everything between me and her.
I was nervous, worried and scared about what was coming next, as I made my way towards the class she was in. She wasn't there. I quickly rushed out, wondering if she had already left for home.
“Amy”, I called out her name as I saw her standing outside, waiting for the bus. She looked away and started to walk. I ran up to her and grabbed her hand.
“Hey stop”, I said.
“Get your hands off of me, Mike”, she screamed at me.
“Will you give me a chance to explain?”
“Why should I? I don't trust you and I don't want to hear anything that you have to say.”
“I have to tell you the truth. I never said I don't love you.”
“You just did. Goodbye Mike.”
“So is it over?”
“Is there any reason to....”
“Yes there is.”
“What?”
“Amy”, I said as I got down on my knees, with her hand in mine, “you are the only girl in my life...and I love you.” I was hoping for her to melt and say I love you too, 'cause this was by far the best way I had expressed my feelings for her.
“Good for you”, she said, and left the place.
Those words she said, felt like a stone hitting a glass mirror. I was shattered as I sat there, tears rolling down my face.
***
That evening, I decided to write a note for her.
“Hey Amy, I am sure that you don't want any more apologies, or in fact any sort of communication from my side. I am sorry for breaking your trust. But the truth is, I never said that I don't love you. Do you think I'm dumb enough to let go of the best thing's that has ever happened to me? As much as you know me, I 'm sure you know the answer to this question.
It was twenty third of February last year, that I first saw you. The first word that came to my mind was 'amazing'. And that's what you really are. Everything about you is special. And enchanting. All this time, I thought I was the luckiest person in the world, to have a girl like you by my side.
But how long could anything last. And something that started on a lie, could never survive for long. I don't blame you, 'cause I truly am the culprit here.
I can never forget all the special moments we had together. I wish I could have made you feel special too.
I love you Amy, and I'm sorry.
-Mike."
I decided to give her the note the next day in class and then leave, for her own good. Hopefully, she may forgive me someday.
As I reached the class, I saw her sitting alone in the room.
'This is the perfect time', I thought.
“Hey Amy.”, I said.
Before she could start scr
eaming again, I pulled out the note from my bag. “I know you don't want to talk to me. Just read this, if you want to. I'm leaving.”
I left the note on her table and walked out of the room. While my heart was hoping that she would come running back to me, my mind knew that that would never happen. I wanted to go back in the room and see if she read the note, but then I knew she would not.
A few seconds later, my eagerness got the better of me, as I found myself returning to the class. I almost bumped into her as I reached the class door.
Apparently, she had read my note and was a little teary-eyed herself. We stood there staring into each others' eyes for a little while, and then....
you all can guess what happened.
###
A Not So Good Date
I'm doing a favour when I say 'not so good', 'cause this was probably the worst date ever. But it wasn't supposed to be like that. It was after quite a while that I was meeting her, and I expected the magic to work something special today.
But things never go as you expect, do they?
It felt so awkward, as I walked back home. I mean, yes, ending a three year young relationship will always feel bad, but this is not exactly that 'bad' feeling. Uncanny, awkward are the right words for it.
But it shouldn't be like this. I wanted this, didn't I? All of those arguments, tensions and frustrations; this was a way better option than managing them.
Being single has a lot of plus points compared to when you are with someone, especially when you are a guy. For instance, you can talk to anyone without having to explain your actions to someone. She always used to ask me about my friends, the girls in my class and who all I talk to. And when I asked her the same thing, she would always turn the question back at me. If she doesn't want to talk about her friends, then why should I?
And this is when we meet just once in a month. She would talk about anything and everything in the universe except me and her. What is the point of all that? Even when she chooses to leave the world out of our conversations, she would talk all about herself and her problems. As if, she's the only one with problems. Hasn't she ever thought of my problems. I agree that I told her not to ask my problems, but she could do so out of courtesy at least.
And then, she complains that I don't talk much. But so what, that's how I am. I've never been a good conversationalist and she knows that. In fact, this 'mystery' of my silence enchanted her, she confessed it. So, what happened to that enchantment? And anyways, if she wouldn't stop her stories, how can I talk then.
The mistress doesn't like to be interrupted and I wonder what harsh punishment would I get if I ever did so.
Thankfully, I don't have to worry about this anymore. 'Long distance relationships never ever work', I can put my signature on this statement.
The fact of the matter is, when people say there's an age for such stuff, they are right. At 19, this isn't really the age for wasting time on all of this. It's good that I'm out of it.
Yes, there are some real good things about having a partner. You always have someone to talk to, share your thoughts and feelings with. You know that someone will pick your call, even if it is 4am. You don't have to go alone for a movie. You walk together hand in hand. When you're upset, someone will hug you. And you love someone, and they love you back, with a pure heart.
But I wonder, was any of this ever there between me and her. It was always her talking, while I did the listening part. She always called me late night, telling me she's scared. And if I didn't answered, she would make me feel so guilty the next morning, that I could do nothing but apologise for hours and hours. When we go out, we had to keep a check that nobody, who know either of us, would see us. And she never knows when I'm upset. Yes, at times I wonder if she actually loves me or not.
Was all of this a joke since the beginning? It doesn't make sense, or does it? This thought stopped me in my tracks. Have I been living a lie for the last three years?
With my head in my hands, I sat down on the pavement. My mind was being filled by negative thoughts and I couldn't do anything to stop them. There was something wrong about us from the start. I mean, how can a girl so full of life settle for a guy like me. Poles apart personalities, a completely different outlook for everything. Our choices, our wishes, our requirements, none of them matched even the slightest.
With so many differences, our relation had no chances of survival. It's good that it ended now. Both of us can actually focus on doing things right.
I still remember the first time we met. It was accidental of course, as the teacher assigned me her partner for a project. That was the first time she actually saw me, and her reaction clearly verified it.
“Who?”, she said.
“Jake. He'll be your partner for this project.”
“But who's Jake?”, she was loud enough to be heard by everyone else in the room. And what she said shocked me as well.
“The guy who sits two places behind you.”
Really? Am I invisible? Well, that is the reality of popular people; you may know them, but you are a nobody for them.
And despite this, she had the audacity to ask me if I was a new student.
But after the initial 'dumb-show', Emma turned out to be an actual smarty. And it wasn't just the project that developed.
The time we spent together during that week was unbelievably special, and it made me weak in my knees whenever she was around. I wanted her to be around all the time and it wasn't long before I realised that I was falling for her. Though I knew it was not possible, me and her, but I couldn't help it.
On the date of submission, I decided to let her know. I knew that she would say no, but this was probably the last time I would talk to her 'cause she would return to her 'oh so perfect life'.
“Emma, there's something I've got to tell you.”
“Yes?”
“Well...”
“Well Jake?”
“Well...we are gonna get an A in this one.”, I tried to ease the conversation.
“Sure, it's my, I mean our, project.”
“Hm, yeah. Wait, there's something else.”
“What?”
“Umm...”
“I love you.”, she stunned me with her response.
“What?”
“That's what you wanna say, right?”
“No.”
“Oh come on, it's written on your face.”, was the incoming taunt from her.
“Oh!”
“I love you, Jake.”
Well, this was what I thought would happen. But things were slightly different from this. When I told her my feelings, she left without uttering a single word. I stood there, waiting for her to come back and say something. But that was not gonna happen.
***
There's no use thinking of all of it right now. This is over. Though it wasn't the way I thought it would be, but then it's Emma we are talking about. She can pull off anything. There was a lot of built-up frustration in both of us, and it showed in all our previous meetings. We had arguments about the smallest possible things, as if we were enemies.
“I don't think we should be together anymore”, I said to her, finally ready to end it all.
“Okay”, that's all she said. That's it, I thought. Before I could realise what had happened, she was gone.
I quickly left as well, not waiting this time. Was I right? As it turns out, us being together was wrong from the beginning, and it is good that it finally ended.
'Screeeeeech', just as I got up, a vehicle stopped in front of me.
“are you okay, kid? Sorry I didn't see you.”, the driver said.
“yeah, I'm good.”, I replied.
'What if something like this happened with her?', I thought, as the driver was leaving. 'What if she hadn't reached her home yet?', thought. 'I have to make sure she's all right.'
I quickly turned back and started running, running back to her. 'It's okay Jake, she's okay.', I kept saying this to me, as her thoughts rushed in my
head.
Everything that I had thought, every bad thing that I felt about her, about me and her, lost all sense as I hurried back to her. I might have fallen once or twice, I don't remember.
The adrenaline soon slowed down, but not before I saw her. She was sitting there, with her eyes closed, probably thinking about everything, like I did.
“What are you doing here?”, I asked her, sitting down in front of her.
“huh?”, she was clearly surprised to see me there. And before I could have said anything, she reached forward to hug me.
“I'm sorry, Jake. But I don't wanna lose you. I'll be like you want me to.”
Her words reminded me of three years ago, of the day I expressed my feelings to her. While I expected her not to come back, she actually did, and asked me the same thing and I responded the same way she just did (with her name, of course).
“Emma, I want you to be the way you are.”, I replied, just like she did that time.
“You know what, I really...”, she started to say,
“I love you too, Emma”, and I interrupted her, embracing her in my arms for what was surely the best moment of our lives. “No more fights baby, we'll work this out”, I whispered in her ears.
“I love you, Jake”, she finally said.
###
Author's Note
Love. Everyone has their own description of love. For some it is the best feeling, while it reminds some of heartbreaks. Yes, this is all a part of love, but what would you do when nothing seems to work, and yet you can't leave that person, because you can never end your feelings for them.
Would you try giving it another shot?
Love is what makes you, while unwillingly, you make your love complicated. It is not about ending it when things don't work out, 'cause you know, the best feeling doesn't happen everyday or with everyone. Take your time and give it a chance, this alone can make you the happiest....
Both the short stories focus on the misunderstandings that young couples face in their relationships as time passes by. No two people are the same, and different opinions and choices do crop up from time to time. But instead of fighting over these differences, it is better to share and understand each others' point of view.
And at the end of the day, it makes your bond stronger.
If there's one thing better than loving someone, it is being loved by that very person. While finding your true soul mate is rare, being with the right person isn't that hard after all. The right person is someone you can trust, someone you can be happy with, and someone who makes you feel special. And when you do find that person, what is the point of letting go of them, just because of some misunderstandings.