A Snowball's Chance in Hell
And other stories.
By
Lee W. Lindsay, Jr.
Copyright 2013 Lee W. Lindsay, Jr.
Table of Contents
The Spinning Wheel
Will-o'-the-Wisp
Dark Woods, Dark Hearts
The Spiral Gate
A Snowball's Chance in Hell
About the Author
The Spinning Wheel
The early morning shadows faded as the sun drifted above the far eastern mountains. The morning dew became the warm musk of sun-warmed spring leaves and fresh-turned soil from the small plot of land near a diminutive, two-room, sod house. A giant, old oak tree stood near the front of the house. Next to the house a tall stack of wood cured. A lanky, grizzled, brown-haired man sat on an old stump. Smoke from a long-stemmed pipe with a dragon-head bowl drifted out and curled around the old man's head while he carved a six-inch piece of oak. Under his nimble fingers, the wood transformed into a figure of an ugly, squat troll. The old man blew off some wood shavings and grunted.
"Not quite right yet." he muttered in a soft, gravelly voice, "Still need to work the face to make it look like that troll."
"Edmond, come here please." The request drifted from the house.
Edmond calmly stood up and put the carving down. He sheathed his knife as he walked to the house. Stepping to the door, he leaned against the frame. He smiled as he looked at the woman with salt-and-pepper hair framing a face decorated with laugh lines. She wore a plain cotton dress with a clean, well-worn apron. One hand lay on an old, battered spinning wheel while her other hand rested on her ample hips.
"What ya need, Lilly?" asked Edmond.
Lilly turned to her husband with a soft smile.
"This spinning wheel is broken. Can you fix it? I told Dorothy I would have her yarn ready by the next full moon so she'll cast that spell to keep the potato blight away." Lilly gave the wheel a spin with her finger. The wheel wobbled and stopped. "I'll to have to work day and night spinning by hand." She frowned slightly. "I wish we had a new spinning wheel, then I could finish her yarn in a couple of days." She looked up at Edmond. "I don't suppose we could get one from the elves?"
A puff of smoke circled Edmond's head.
"I suppose, but the elves've been doing a lot o' selling to them folks down at Marsh Harbor. They've taken to upping their prices, so I don't see how we could afford to pay what they'd want." he scratched his chin, "I don't know that I approve of elves gett'n into commerce. They're way too sharp for humans to keep up with."
The old man ambled over to the spinning wheel. He poked and prodded at the wheel and uprights. He tweaked the maidens and the flyer and tested the leather driving band. All the time, ribbons of smoke wafted out of his pipe moving in and out of the spinning wheel. Finally, Edmond straightened and gave the wheel a twist.
"Not good." He shaved off a piece of firewood, dabbed it with a bit of grease from a can Lilly kept near the spinning wheel, and tapped the wood into the space between the axle and the wheel. Edmond spun the wheel.
"That'll take care of it for a bit, Princess. We got a couple extra bags o' spuds out in the cellar. That preserving spell is still good. This time o' year good spuds will fetch a price in Askfordton. Maybe enough to get a good, used spinning wheel from old Clancy, him getting Lord Askford's left-overs 'n all. I'll head down there and see what I can get." He took his pipe out and tapped it on the fireplace, knocking out the gray ash. "I could be back by tonight, but Clancy'll want to haggle and gossip and share an ale or two and a story or three. Best figure that I'll be back by tomorrow night."
Edmond gave Lilly a kiss, recharged his pipe with the sweet-smelling dried leaves, put more of the leaves in his pouch, and took his staff from its place above the door.
Edmond soon settled a rope tied to two bags of potatoes over his head so that it hung off his shoulders and around his neck with the bags dangling on either side of his chest. Before entering the wooded area, Edmond turned around to look at his small house in its little clearing. He smiled at his wife standing by the door, waving. He waved then turned and continued down the weed-choked path, puffing wistful curls of smoke from his pipe.
***
Edmond didn't mind the two mile walk down the path to the main road. Nor did he mind the eleven mile trip to the small valley where Askfordton sat. He enjoyed taking the main road, traveled by people on foot, horseback or by the weekly stage from the capitol near the far mountians to Marsh Harbor, fifty miles beyond Askfordton. Edmond moved along, whistling and humming to himself.
Three miles from where he turned onto the main road, Edmond paused. The road made a bend about a hundred yards further on before crossing a small creek. Edmond listened. A loud shout came through the wood, a yell of pain. Steel clanged on steel, then another yell choked off. Edmond moved fast. He turned the bend and crossed the small wooden bridge.
Edmond saw a man with dark graying hair, a golden circlet and a blue tunic defending himself from three scruffy thugs in filthy shirts and kilts. The man backed against a tree and stood with a sword in front of him. He moved carefully, hobbling from a crossbow bolt in his left leg. Edmond's eyes lit up in recognition. He shrugged off his potatoes and loped toward the fight, passing three horses tethered near the creek and the bodies of the King's two guards.
"Hey, you three had best leave off before you get what's a-coming to you!" Edmond yelled.
Two of the thugs turned towards Edmond, the third kept his eye on the king. One of the thugs facing Edmond laughed. He seemed filthier than the others, his shirt a muddy gray with splotches of his latest meal on the front. If his kilt had clan colors they had long since disappeared under the dirt, yet his sword gleamed, well tended and well used. He turned to the second man.
"Here Pete, this old sodman thinks he can scare us with his little stick. You and Mac finish our assignment for the Lord Prince. I'll kill this stupid hero."
The thug raised his sword and walked to meet Edmond. The others turned back to the king.
"Flee, man, save yourself." yelled the King as he blocked a thrust from Mac.
The thug started toward Edmond. Edmond moved toward him. The thug took a short swing, his mouth a sneer and his eyes glimmering. Edmond's staff spun and the thug watched his sword spin off fifteen feet away. Before the pain of his shattered wrist could reach his mind, Edmond's staff spun twice more, the last blow breaking the thug's neck.
The other two thugs saw the King start. They turned and saw Edmond advance over their fellow assassin, a steady stream of smoke coming from his pipe. Pete sheathed his sword and pulled his crossbow from his back, setting a bolt in it, aiming at Edmond. Mac turned back to the King.
"I told that idiot we should have just shot the king." Pete said as he pulled the trigger.
The crossbow bolt jumped forward. Edmond didn't slow as his staff spun, sending the bolt off to bury itself in the dirt. Pete grabbed his sword. He had it halfway out of the sheath when Edmond's staff swung twice more and Pete lay on the ground with his wrist shattered and his eyes wide open, burning with the image of the sad old man with the smoking dragon held by the tail in his teeth.
The two loud reports rang in Mac's ears and he backed up, turning to see the old man standing just off to his side. Edmond made a short bow to the King.
"Now then, your Majesty, do you want this one alive or dead?"
Mac took another step away from both the King and Edmond. The King looked at the old man and smiled.
"Edmond Thunderstaff. It's good to see you, old friend." He looked over at Mac. "If he surrenders and you'll assist me in taking him to
Lord Askford's, I'll have him alive as there are questions I would like answers to. If not," The King shrugged his shoulders. "he would be better dead."
Edmond looked to Mac, whose face turned pale. Mac's knees were shaking and his teeth chattering.
"Ed-ed-Edmond Thunderstaff? I thought..., heard..., you..., dead."
"Nope. Now boy, what'll it be?"
Mac dropped his sword, then fell to the ground. Edmond prodded him with his staff.
"Your Majesty, I believe this here could count as a surrender."
"You could be right, old friend." The King gave a sigh and sat down, carefully moving the leg with the crossbow bolt. "Now if you could tie him up then give me a hand with this thing." He pointed to the bolt, "I would be much in your debt."
***
Four hours later, Edmond and the King approached the city gates, two dead guards tied to one horse, two dead thugs to the other and Mac plodding along, tethered to the King's horse and carrying Edmond's potatoes. The walls of the city were ten feet high, made of granite from the nearby mountains. Sunlight sparkled off the mica in the stone, giving the city the appearance of silver walls. The gates were made of ironwood from the desert country of Mishan. Two men in clean blue uniforms armed with tall pikes guarded the open gates. By the time the King and Edmond reached the gate, there were ten guards standing at attention. Five guards took the dead and the prisoner, after Edmond had retrieved his potatoes.
Two guards led the King and Edmond though the clean, zigzagging streets of the town. The castle walls were made of the same granite as the town walls but the castle stood a dull gray, made of sturdy basalt rock quarried from a nearby hill.
They came into the courtyard and were surrounded by a crowd in blue livery. Twenty people stood milling, tossing suggestions like a hot potato bouncing from person to person and occasionally getting back to the person that first suggested it, who now treated it like a new idea. Suggestions of ice baths, herb poultices with herbs that only existed in the imagination, and hot baths had been discarded then re‑suggested. Then a short, gray-haired and bearded, well-muscled man dressed in blue robes trimmed in yellow lynx fur came out the door and marched up to the crowd and placed his hands on his hips.
"Shut up, the lot of you!" he yelled.
Silence. The crowd separated into two lines. Lord Askford pointed to a plump woman with an apron over her blue dress.
"Marjory, get a room ready for His Majesty." he turned to one of the men. "Calbert get the physician over here, now. Edward, Jeremi, help His Majesty down and get him to his room." Suddenly, everyone became productive and Lord Askford walked over to the King's horse.
Edmond smiled at the short man who came up to his chin.
"Hallo, Lord Askford." Edmond said, "You needn't fret much, it's a small wound. I cleaned it out myself and whipped up a poultice, so there's little danger of fever."
Lord Askford looked at Edmond, a smile brightening his face.
"By all the worthless gods in this blighted world, Edmond Thunderstaff! And is that Lady Skullbreaker in your hands?"
Edmond shook his head as he moved up beside the men helping the King off the horse.
"Nope. Lady Skullbreaker shattered last year when I took out that troll at Hoarfrost Pass. Ended up killing the troll by shoving him off the cliff. This here was carved from the same oak though. I call her Lady Thumper."
"An appropriate name, old friend." Lord Askford shook his head as he placed one hand on Edmond's arm. "So it was you that killed the troll. I should have known." They followed the King into the castle. "Why didn't you come to me for help? That's my job around here, you know, protecting the people. I didn't even find out until a week later. Poor thing on my part, not even knowing there's a troll about."
"Didn't have time to send you word. It was over and done in no time."
The two men caught up with the King. Lord Askford cleared his throat.
"Your Majesty, do you have any idea who is responsible for this attack on your person?"
The King nodded. "One of the men said it was for the 'Lord Prince.' I fear it is Sammul's doing." The King stopped by the door, leaning on a guard. "Have a messenger sent to Sammul and tell him he is needed tomorrow evening. He will suspect the reason, and try to bluff. Send for the council members. They should be on their way for the Thursday meeting. It won't hurt them to arrive a day early." The King turned to Edmond. "Edmond, stay the night. I could use your influence at the meeting." He looked over at Lord Askford. "You can put Edmond up for the night, can't you?"
Lord Askford nodded. "Edmond can stay 'til the balls freeze off the snow god for all I care. If he wants to move in and live in this bloody, cold castle, he's more than welcome." He turned to Edmond. "Of course the price is you have to sit and have some wine and tell me what you've been up to for the last fifteen years. I knew you lived around here, so why the hell haven't you come to visit? Damn rude if you ask me, not that anyone ever does."
"My apologies, Lord Askford. It's just that me and the missus tend to stay home. Don't get out much except to pick up supplies and such." Edmond puffed a little on his pipe as the group moved on. "Never thought I would have to deal with court life again. Don't think I could."
"Hurrumph. I can't stand court life much myself." said Lord Askford, "All that politeness that just covers someone who's sharpening his knife to stab you in the back." He looked over at the King. "Can't even trust your own bloody brother."
Lord Askford turned to Edmond as his men helped the king to his room.
"Well, the physician will be here soon and he'll take care of the King. I have a jug of Penbrook's wine cooling off for my lunch. What say you and I see if it lives up to the proper Penbrook standards." He slapped Edmond on the shoulder. "Those bags are potatoes, aren't they?" Edmond nodded, "Well, give them to Marjory there and I'll give you fair price for them." He looked at Edmond. "If you don't mind my saying so, you don't look any older than you did fifteen years ago. Just how old are you, old friend?"
Edmond rubbed his chin.
"I don't rightly recollect. Must be over five hundred years. I lost count a long time ago."
Lord Askford stared at Edmond for a minute, then he broke out in a hearty laugh. Chuckling, Lord Askford lead Edmond off to lunch. Edmond talked about his retirement, his land he had earned in the King's service, his wife, and their life together. They talked until the sun dropped behind the distant hills.
***
After midnight, Edmond stood on the balcony of the suite Lord Askford had given him. The moon shone over the castle walls and scattered moonbeams through the leaves of the old rowan tree growing just inside the castle walls. Edmond smoked as he thought over the time spent talking to Lord Askford.
"Darned if it wouldn't be nice to spend more time with him."
He looked around the room, larger than his house. He ran his hand over the rough shirt and trousers he wore. He reached up and took his pipe out of his mouth, a long trickle of smoke snaked up into the air curling and looping.
"Still, I don't care for court life. Too much chatter and gossip. Would have stayed on with father if I wanted that kind o' living." He took another drag off his pipe, "I do miss talkin' with Lord Askford and His Majesty, but it was more comfortable when we were in the camps." Edmond leaned on the railing of the balcony, "Can't see livin' nowhere but out in the woods where you don't get the stink o' all these humans around you. Eh, what's that?"
Edmond squinted at the area near the rowan tree. Two furtive shadows flitted to a smaller tree. Edmond turned and entered his room.
***
Twenty minutes later, Edmond stood in the hall leading to the King's quarters. A single torch lit the hallway with a pale, flickering light, shadows scurried back and forth across the walls. Edmond lazed against one wall, cleaning his pipe. He reach for his pouch of leaves then stopped, put the pipe into his mouth and shoved his staff across the hall with a firm thump.
"Now then, you two can hold it right there. You won't
be going any further tonight."
Two shadows coalesced and two pale elves pushed the hoods of their cloaks back. The taller of the two looked at Edmond, one hand going for his knife.
"I don't know how you saw us human. It is too bad that you did. I have no desire to kill one not assigned to die."
Edmond's staff flicked like a snake and lightly tapped the elf's hand before he could draw his knife.
"I am Eldorn Palonti Edmonda Dragunsi Enterati," Smoke curled out of the corners of Edmond's mouth, "and if you are here to harm the King or Lord Askford, I will stop you here and now. Defntu todalt. Eternus protectort es Kiltorn es oathic."
The elf pulled his hand away from his knife. The shorter elf looked over at the taller one then at Edmond.
"How is it that he speaks the elder's language?" the smaller elf looked back at the other.
"I am not sure we want to know the answer to that." The taller elf looked steadily at Edmond. "But I feel you are not what you seem, Eldorn Enterati." He turned back to the smaller elf. "Meet me at the city gate. If I do not join you in an hour, report to Eldorn Galmilorn and tell him all that has occurred." He turned back to Edmond as the smaller elf glowered and left. "What do you want?"
Edmond looked at the elf for a moment, small trickles of smoke coming out of the corners of his mouth.
"I want you to go back to your contractor and tell him the contract has been voided. Tell him that Edmond Thunderstaff is protecting the King." Edmond scratched his chin as another thoughtful puff of smoke came from his mouth. "Is Eldorn Tandonom Krin Hantonta still in charge of the Guild of Assassins?" The elf nodded. "Then tell her that I send my greetings to Bitesize and that I apologize for spoiling a contract."
The elf frowned, then nodded and drew up his hood. He faded to a flicker of shadow and the flicker went down the hallway. Edmond took his pipe out of his mouth and tamped some fresh leaves into the bowl, took a splinter of wood from his pocket and held it to the torch. Using the burning splinter to light his pipe, he walked back to his room.
***
The next evening five men gathered in an immaculate hall, complete with tapestries on either side of a large fireplace that had several logs burning. An oak table filled most of the room except for four feet on all sides that allowed people to move around. The king sat at the head of the table with Lord Askford standing at the King's right hand and Edmond lounging partway down the right side of the table. Edmond stared at the fire and the tapestries on the other side of the table. Two men sat below the king chattering and casting furtive looks around the hall. Two more men entered the room and turned to walk by the fire toward the others clustered near the head of the table.