Life has always been a struggle for me. From what I could tell, it wasn't daisies for everyone else either. I never let go of the fantasy that one day I wouldn't feel so alone and isolated from the rest of the normal world. My dream is what kept me going many nights when I fought the desire to just disappear. It would be easier if I'd never been born.
I'm positive my mother sees things the same way. I know what you're thinking and, no, she never said those words, but my entrance into the world dramatically changed the course of her life. She'd been a beauty queen in the small Arkansas town where she'd grown up. Everyone said she would make it big someday, somehow, maybe her beauty and charm would have opened those doors, if she hadn't met the man who helped give me life. The fact is she ran off to become a star and fell in love with a very married man who didn't acknowledge me or help her for fear of tarnishing his social standing in the big city of Nashville, Tennessee.
A one-room shack in the hills of Tennessee is where we spent the first part of my life. Until the day my mother up and decided life would be easier in Alabama. On the southern coast, she could find work, and the sunshine would be good for us, or so she said. I knew she needed an escape, or maybe just a place to start over. If any one person could be a magnet for losers, my mom fit the profile, and, unfortunately, she was about to bring another child into the unstable life she managed to lead, where she greatly relied on a kid-me-to handle things. If only she had let me make her decisions for her in the dating world, like she did with the rest of her life. But, alas, we were headed to southern Alabama where the sun is supposed to shine bright and wash away all our worries. . . yeah, right.