Christmas Stories
By Arnie Lightning
Arnie Lightning Books
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Copyright © 2014 by Hey Sup Bye Publishing
All rights reserved. This book is a work of fiction. No part of this book or this book as a whole may be used, reproduced, or transmitted in any form or means without written permission from the publisher.
Graphics and images used in this book are licensed and © Dollar Photo Club
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Table of Contents
Free Gift!
Christmas All Year
The Santa Trap
Christmas of the Future
My Father’s Christmas Surprise
The Toughest Gift
Christmas Jokes
About the Author
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Christmas All Year
For Santa Claus, and everyone at the North Pole, a lot of preparation goes into each Christmas, as you might imagine. Santa and his army of elves aren’t just busy one night of the year, they work the whole year through building toys, reading letters from children all over the world and compiling the two most famous lists in the world: the “Nice List” and the much-feared “Naughty List.”
Before the toys can be built though, the newest gadgets and games have to be invented and then tested to make sure they are safe. Seeing how popular paint ball was with older kids, a particularly eager young elf named Wendell recently tried to invent what he called a “paint bazooka!” Mrs. Claus is still trying to get the bright orange paint off the walls in the workshop. And off of Wendell.
Once the toys are triple checked for safety, they are catalogued, arranged by child according to time zone and individually loaded into Santa’s famous magical bag, which can hold all of the toys at once because it is much bigger on the inside than on the outside.
Each of the eight reindeer is kept in top physical shape at all times, due to a strict diet and healthy exercise every day. The kitchen elves are all chefs from the best cooking schools in the world, and the gym at the North Pole offers the best workout on earth! Not that Santa ever steps on a treadmill. He’s a magical creature powered exclusively by milk and cookies. And if his belly didn’t jiggle like a bowl full of jelly then it just wouldn’t be right.
One week before Christmas, Santa’s sleigh is taken apart. Each and every bolt is inspected and then put back together, replacing any pieces showing signs of wear and tear. That sleigh has to travel the world at warp speed and be one hundred percent reliable, because Santa will never allow a good boy or girl to be disappointed on Christmas morning. And even Santa is only as good as his tools, so he keeps the sleigh in tiptop shape.
The basic route Santa takes to visit each child never changes very much, but new people and new homes come into the world all the time, so Santa makes practice runs several times throughout the year, to keep himself sharp and to make sure he knows where everyone is. So if you find cookies missing from your cupboard, even in June or July, Santa may have helped himself to a snack during a practice.
Santa takes lots of notes on how best to incorporate the new stops, and reworks the route with great detail. Delivering toys to several billion people in a single evening is not the kind of thing you can just make up on the fly. Santa always likes to say, “A failure to plan is a plan for failure!”
It takes a lot of preparation and a lot of work to make sure everything is perfect, but Santa hasn’t missed a single child on a single Christmas yet. If you believe in him, then he believes in you! And he can’t wait to bring you your gifts.
Just remember to leave him some milk and cookies. For Santa Claus, Christmas is very hungry work!
Christmas Activity
What do you want for Christmas? Grab a pencil and a piece of paper and make a list for Santa Claus! When you are finished, give your list to your parents and ask them to mail it to the North Pole.
The Santa Trap
Simon Ellis is a terribly bright young man, but he had not been a good boy this year and he knew it.
He was guilty. He had been acting out at school and at home. He was rude to his teachers and his classmates. He ignored his parents whenever he didn’t like what they had to say. In the past twelve months he had spent more of his life in “Time Out” then in “Time In.” There could be no other judgment handed down from the North Pole: He was on the naughty list.
Knowing this, Simon expected to receive nothing in his stocking this Christmas but a lump of coal. He knew he wouldn’t be getting a new bike or a video game, not even a stick of gum was coming his way. It was coal this year for sure. Simon knew all of this, but he did not intend to take it lying down.
If Santa Claus wanted to give him a shameful lump of black rock, the big guy in red was going to have to work for it.
Simon started with the obvious. Santa lands on the roof before shimmying his way down the fireplace to leave his gifts, everyone knows this. Well not this year! Not if Simon had anything to say about it.
Simon borrowed his dad’s ladder while his parents were at work. He climbed up to roof and went about covering every inch of the thing in nonstick cooking spray. When he was done the roof was much slicker than ice. A robin tried to land on the roof and WHOOSH, slid right off immediately with a very confused look on its face.
If a bird can’t sit up there, he thought, Santa doesn’t stand a chance!
Next Simon went to work on the chimney. He had made a volcano for the science fair last year, producing lots and lots of bubbly “lava” by combining baking soda and vinegar. That seemed like it would do the trick.
Simon dumped several dozen boxes of baking soda into the fireplace and then lowered a number of zip lock bags filled with vinegar into the chimney. Any attempt to shimmy down it would break the bags and fill the entire living room and fireplace with foamy liquid!
Next he ran fishing line all around the Christmas tree, just a few inches off the ground. He then baited this trap with milk and cookies. It is well known that Santa could not resist milk and cookies. When he went for the delicious snacks, he’d snag the line with his shiny black boots and fall to the ground where he would jiggle like a bowl full of jelly!
Simon went to bed on Christmas Eve feeling quite proud of his work. But then something strange happened: he started feeling very remorseful.
He felt bad for trying to trap Santa. Santa hadn’t done anything wrong! Simon was the naughty one. And then he felt bad for acting out at school. His teachers were just trying to help him learn, his parents loved him. Why was he punishing them? What was he so angry about?
He didn’t have an answer for why he had been so naughty yet, but he knew he could fix it. And he knew he had to start by taking apart his terrible booby traps!
He ran downstairs, grabbed a pair of scissors and started frantically cutting the fishing lines.
He then turned to the fireplace and started shoveling baking soda out of it. He was trying to come up with a plan to fix the roof when something caught his eye. The milk and cookies were gone!
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Simon spun and looked behind the Christmas tree and there he saw, adorned with a big red bow, a brand new bicycle! Just the kind he wanted, just the right size in just the right color.
Simon walked up to the bike and saw a small note on it. The note read, “Dear Simon: I know you’re a good boy underneath it all. Let’s try to show other people this year, too. Merry Christmas, Santa Claus.
Simon smiled, looked up toward the chimney and said, “I will, Santa! I promise.”
Somewhere in the distance Simon was sure he heard that perfect laugh. “Ho ho ho!”
Christmas of the Future
Every couple of years a young, headstrong elf will come to Santa and tell him how to make Christmas a more modern event. They always have big plans, and they always think they’re the first elf to ever try and change things.
Santa is a patient man, of course, and kind. He always listens to what each of his elves has to say. He never rushes them or complains.
This year it was an elf named Warren that came to Santa with his idea for what he called “Christmas of the Future!”
“We’ll deal with wardrobe for starters, I think!” said Warren.
Santa nodded, took a bite of chocolate chip cookie and said, “All right.”
“We’re really a stealth operation, right? We sneak in and out of places like thieves in the night! Except instead of stealing things we leave presents, so we’re not like thieves in that way. We’re actually the exact opposite of thieves when you think about it like that. The point is we slip in and out unnoticed, but you’re wearing bright red! It’s not even a maroon, sir! It’s bright red! And we elves are not much better off. We wear bright green and half of us have bells on our hats! Bells! That’s irresponsible! There’s a reason ninjas didn’t wear red or bells, sir. So I’m thinking black! Head to toe we dress in black! Leather is a good option. It’s warm and also looks really cool!”
“You want a black leather Santa?” asked Santa.
“For starters!” Warren continued. “Next we should address the sack filled with toys.”
“You don’t think I should give out toys?” Santa asked, genuinely confused.
Warren corrected him, “Of course you should give out toys. But when was the last time you saw someone carrying important things in a sack? Sacks are pretty much exclusively for potatoes and laundry. And only dirty laundry at that! What about a magic briefcase? Classy, right? Also black, of course. Or maybe a nice messenger bag!”
“The sack works very well,” Santa said.
“Oh I’m sure it does! I’m just not wild about the image. We’re going for a more sophisticated Santa. The Santa of the 21st century!’
“What else do you dislike, Warren?” Santa asked kindly.
“Well, the reindeer. That seems like an awfully inefficient and smelly way to travel. You don’t see a lot of vehicles drawn by animals these days.”
“Those reindeer travel the entre globe and make millions of stops in a single night. That’s quite efficient. And they smell lovely. Mrs. Claus keeps them bathed in rose hips and lavender.”
“Rose hips and lavender?” asked Warren. “That does sound lovely. I understand that the system works, and I love that it works, Santa! I just think we should make it more modern!”
Santa smiled warmly at his elf and said, “Christmas is not modern, Warren. It is not old and it is not new. It is timeless. It is a season of pure magic. It is a day built of love and kindness, things that look and feel and is identical today as they were a hundred years ago and will be one hundred years from now. That is why it is unchanging, even as the world is always changing around us.”
Warren listened closely and took Santa’s words to heart. He knew the big guy was right and Warren loved Santa even more for showing him the way. He gave Santa a big bear hug and said, “You’re right, sir. Of course you’re right.” He took a pause and then said, “Will you just consider the briefcase, though? I hate that sack.”
Santa laughed his signature laugh and said, “I will consider it, Warren.”
Warren smiled and went back to work building happiness for all the world’s children, which, he knew, was a pretty great job in every century.
My Father’s Christmas Surprise
This year, the only thing I asked Santa Claus for was that he helps my Dad see how wonderful Christmas can be again.
Dad used to love Christmas the most! He’d pick out the biggest tree he could find and we’d spend the whole day decorating it just right with ornaments he’d been collecting since he was my age. He and mom would make all the sweets in the world, fudge and sugar cookies and fruitcakes that no one ever ate. He’d put so many twinkle lights on the house it could be seen from space!
He threw a party every year where all his and mom’s friends would come over wearing the ugliest, loudest Christmas sweaters they could find and they’d all drink a really gross thing called eggnog until the wee hours of the morning.
Then, on Christmas morning, you wouldn’t even be able to see the giant tree because the presents he bought my mom, my sister, and me were stacked so high they blocked it out!
But after my mom left us a few years ago Dad stopped loving Christmas. He stopped decorating and baking and spends most of December just watching TV in the dark. Whenever anyone would say “Merry Christmas!” to him he would only say, “Humbug.”
I miss the sweets and the lights and the presents, but mostly I just miss seeing my Dad so happy. So this year I wrote Santa a letter and just asked him to remind my Dad how joyful we used to be. I don’t know what I expected Santa to do, really. But I definitely didn’t expect this!
There was a knock at the door around nine P.M. on December 23. Dad answered to find Santa standing there! The fluffy white beard, the big red coat, the belly that jiggled like a bowl full of jelly, the whole deal!
“Are you collecting for the Salvation Army or something?” Dad asked. “Because I already gave at work.”
“Ho ho ho!” Santa laughed in that way that only Santa can. “No, Michael. I’m just here to ask if you’d like to go for a ride.” Santa stepped to the side and revealed his sleigh and eight tiny reindeer perfectly parallel parked in front of our house.”
Dad furrowed his brow, not sure where this was going. “Who are you?” he asked.
I was stunned. “I think it’s pretty clear who he is, Dad!” I said.
“That’s simply not possible,” Dad said. He then thought for a few seconds and said, “I mean, this is Santa’s busy season. He couldn’t be here. No time.”
Santa laughed again and said, “Not to worry.” He then called back to his reindeer and said, “Do a loopty loop, please boys!”
The deer immediately took flight! They went straight into the air, made a wide, beautiful circle in the sky and then landed again just where they had begun.
Dad stared at the sight in disbelief for a few moments and then said, “I’ll get my coat.”
The next thing I knew we were flying through the air! Suddenly we were soaring over New York City! Then, in the blink of an eye we were flying over London! And then Paris! It was amazing!
“So this is what magic looks like?” Dad said.
Santa laughed and said, “This is nothing. You want to see some real magic?” Dad said he did and in a flash we were flying low over our hometown. We saw our neighbor Mr. Norville delivering Christmas meals to seniors. We saw people singing carols in the streets and uniformed marines collecting toys for children.
“That’s what real magic is,” Santa said. “It’s just people. People loving and caring for one another. That’s the most powerful magic there is.”
Then Santa parked in front of our house again, looked at me and said, “Thank you for your letter, young man.”
I said, “No! Thank you!” I hugged Santa as hard as I’ve ever hugged anyone! And then Dad hugged us both at the same time, and I saw he was crying a little.
Dad said, “Thank you, Santa! And merry Christmas!”
; Then, as quickly as he had come Santa was gone. Dad looked down at me and said, “You’re the best kid ever, you know that? Now, let’s see if we can find those twinkle lights!”
Christmas Activity
Christmas is a magical time of year and it is so much fun getting new toys and presents. But it is also fun helping others. Do you know of anyone in need this holiday? With the help of a parent or family member, try to help someone in need this Christmas. You can buy them a gift, make a gift, or just do a good deed for them. It is the thought that counts!
The Toughest Gift
Just a few days before Christmas this year Santa Claus held an emergency staff meeting. Every single elf in the North Pole gathered in the workshop to hear what the big guy had to say.
“This is odd,” said Gwen, an elf who worried all the time about everything. “Odd timing, I mean. We’re on a deadline! Do you think he’s going to fire us all? Have we done the worst job ever? Maybe he’s cancelling Christmas this year! Why would he do that? This is horrible!”
Brandon, an elf so cool he’s in charge of making sunglasses for little boys and girls across the world, handed Gwen a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie and said, “Easy there, Gwen. It’s all good, all the time. No worries. I’m sure everything is just fine.
Gwen chewed on the delicious snack and said, “Of course, no worries. Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere.” She then worried that she’d been unkind toward rocking chairs. She made a mental note to apologize to the chairs next time she saw them.
Then Santa appeared, dressed all in red and jolly as ever. “Ho ho ho!” he laughed, putting every elf at ease. “Thank you all for gathering for me. I have asked you to meet me here because I have a problem.”
Gwen chewed faster and faster on the cookie. “I KNEW there was a problem! Oh, this is a disaster.” But Brandon just smiled at her.
Santa continued, “I’m generally well known as a good gift-giver, you know. It’s kind of my thing. Which is great. Giving is wonderful and I love it so much! But it’s also kind of a lot of pressure.”
“Oh heavens no!” Gwen shouted. “He’s retiring! We’re doomed!”