DISTANT SUMMER: The Life of Amy Henderson
By Alexa Sunshine
Copyright 2012 Alexa Sunshine
Hello world…
Right, to get this out there, I don’t care how ridiculous this blog looks and I don’t really mind who sees it. I’m just using it as a way of spilling what a terrible day I’ve had to the world without being classed as one of those depressives whose life story ends up all over Facebook. I am sure my twitter fans don’t want to hear my ramblings either, and Tumblr is a muse to me, so I guess you are stuck with me. Sorry about that.
That one person I wish I could forget…
Soppy start to a riveting story, but it is true. Unfortunately. This boy has messed me around to the point I hated even the sound of his name, yet every time I see him I wish he would turn around and ask me out again. And the stupid thing is, I’d say yes.
Wow, I need to get away from him.
My lovely friends…
Today I began the day feeling lonely and sad. Maths was just too much for me, and I just mentally broke down. I came home on the bus, feeling pissed off with myself for being so awful to the girls who I call my friends. So, as part of my new ‘do something about it’ approach I have adapted, I text them all, apologising for my poor behaviour, and the way I have acted towards them the past few weeks. I don’t know what it is; I’m guessing tiredness, and the fact that aforementioned boy has a new girlfriend, who is absolutely beautiful. Expecting a reply of agreement from each friend, I was overwhelmed by their support and love for me as I received 4 replies of consolation. I realized, in the great lyrics of Darren Criss, I’m ‘not alone, because you’re here with me’. Although this seems like a quick ended tale, I do not believe this will be the last of my deep-seated phobia of lonliness.
Over him?
Yesterday I was at a party that the boy was supposed to be attending, but arriving at about 10 o’clock. I had an absolutely fabulous time in the first 3 hours, and I believe to have made my friendships with others MUCH stronger. And so, when 10 o’clock came, I braced myself for heartbreak. And then the strangest feeling swept me, and I felt it. Nothing at all. No emotion for him at all. I could not understand why I had liked him so much. Looking at him, I felt nothingness, perhaps a small amount of friendship, and a little hate, but no love or longing.
This morning, I was re-reading our messages to each other, and I found something I had forgotten. When he broke up with me, he saw how upset I was, and made me a promise: a promise to be my rock. A promise which I had forgotten and now intend to make use of.
Tonight I went to see a show he was in, and as he walked onto the stage, I feared that I would fall for him again, as the whole reason we met is through drama, and he is incredibly talented. But, again, nothing.
When I woke up this morning, I had a great feeling about the day, and now I know why.
Today is the day I move on from the boy.
Maybe not…
On Sunday, boy finally came over to talk to me 1 to 1; something which never happens.
Yesterday, the boy called me gorgeous. I was just beginning to believe I was over him, and then, like a tsunami, all my feelings came flooding back. It was the first time he has ever called me any vaguely nice names; even while we were dating, he never once called me beautiful, or even pretty. He never likes my Facebook photos, yet he is the only one that I want to like them. Maybe he is just my best friend; I just need him to feel the same. I want him to understand that he can, and should, compliment me occasionally to boost my confidence, without me trying to take him from his girlfriend. She makes him happy, so I am happy, right?
If I truly loved him, I would let him go.
What is love anyway?
I spoke to ‘boy’ again tonight. I’m desperate to speak to him; I’ll take any opportunity. I was surprised that he not once mentioned his girlfriend, which he normally does. He seemed more himself: witty, lively, flirty somehow. And I miss that. But I can’t go on like this, its draining, and I’m tired. Today is the day that I was forced to give up the fight, and look somewhere else. Today was the day that I realized the boy had truly found love. Not like what he felt towards me or to his other girlfriends he ‘loved’, but a truer, more truthful love. A requited love. The love I have for him that I had never truly showed.
A flood of regret filled me as I realised how many opportunities I’d missed with him.
But, what’s done is done, and I have to move on. Starting from today.
Well aren’t you lovely…
I have a fair-weather friend, who I believed I had finally relinquished myself of. Until today. She asked to meet up with me, despite the fact, not 6 days ago, she came over to where I was sat with my friends, and took away the one person I wanted to speak to. She took the boy away from me, so she could speak to him. I don’t know if it was for attention, or for spite, or purely because she wanted to talk to him more than me. Either way, she shouldn’t have done it. And now I have to meet up with her, because she hasn’t done anything openly wrong to me, despite the fact I really don’t like her. Oh joy. I have been trying to shake her off for over 10 months now, but to no avail. I thought I had finally lost her when she got a boyfriend a few weeks ago, but no, he broke up with her and now she is back for me. HELP.
Well that hurt me, a lot…
The girl I spoke about previously came around yesterday. And, to her credit, she was absolutely lovely to me. She came baring ‘crack’, which, where I come from, is another word for gossip. I’m just gonna come out with it. She told me that Boy was cheating on me, his girlfriend after me, and his current girlfriend. With his best friend. Who is a boy. It took a while for it to sink in, but after it did, I was broken. You know it is bad when it takes a full tub of Ben and Jerry’s to mend a girl. The weird thing is, I don’t care that he cheated on me; it’s his current girlfriend who I feel awful for, because I cannot fault her, in looks or personality, and when she finds out she will be absolutely destroyed.
One thing is for sure though: it has put me off him for life. If a boy can hurt one girl like that, he can hurt anyone else the same. And I am determined, even if it ruins our friendship, to make sure that no girl goes anywhere near him, for a long time to come.
Ok then…
Yesterday was weird. I mean, it started ok, shopping in the centre near where I live with my friends, but when we got to my house ready for the sleepover, my friends started acting really weird. Firstly, one of my friends, who I always feel I’m excluding but I can’t do anything to stop it except talk to her, was being really distant. I think right now she is my closest friend, as my other friend is holidaying in a foreign country.
My two other friends are both getting really matey, and it’s upsetting. It turns out that they tell each other everything, but they don’t tell it to me. These are, sorry, WERE my two best friends, and together we were a little 3, with the other 2 girls. Now they act like they don’t want to know me.
Everyone is really fractious, especially my two best friends. They are biting at the tiniest things, and forcing secrets out of me and the other girl.
It is too much, with the Boy problem as well. I can’t take it much more.
A big deal…
Today, one of my friends from last night noticed the slight change in my manner towards her, and apolgised as soon as the other girl left the room. There was once a time when we didn’t speak to the girl who left the room, and it was just me and my friend who apologised, as best friends. It will be confusing to explain the situation without codenames, so for now, the girl who left is A, the one who apolgised is B, the one who is all distant and left out, but completely loveable is C, and D is the one in India.
Ok. Until a few days ago, A and C were not particularly close, but now they a
re starting to really like eachother. However, A is not content with having C as her ‘partner’ in the group, so still keeps B on a tight leash. D is my partner normally, as she lives so close to me, so obviously I miss her substantially. And I know one thing for certain; I have never disliked A so much since we had our huge fallout 2 years ago. I am confused though, because she is still one of my best friends.
Tonight, I curled up in a ball in my bed, and cried like the pathetic loser you all know I am. However, this blog has hopefully opened your eyes to the magnification of the emotion of a teenage girl, so you can finally understand the way we look at the world. Everything is a, as the Americans say, ‘big deal’.
You aren’t getting her back!
Yesterday would have been a good day, had I not been infected with an awful ‘flu’ virus and had no Wi-Fi connection in my house. All of the stuff with my mates has kinda been pushed to the back of my mind, and almost forgotten. You see, there is a new guy on the scene. He doesn’t have any relationship potential, because he lives 3 hours away, however, he is possibly the lovliest boy I have ever spoken to, and he cheers me up no-end. Also, Boy and his girlfriend have broken up. Good news for me and a couple of other girls, as it means that cheating, lying loser won’t be getting any girlfriend in a hurry. I feel awful for his girlfriend, and as soon as I have Wi-Fi, I will consider chatting to her about it. Perhaps I should just leave the poor girl alone, I don’t really know. Boy, on the other hand, will definitely be left alone by me from now on. He’s not having my friendship, and certainly not my time. I bet he’s kicking himself now.
Christmas Eve…
I spoke to Boy’s ex-girlfriend today, and she was just as lovely as ever, and she seemed pleased that I’d bothered asking her if she was ok. I feel like I’ve made a friend in her, which is nice at least. However, today I also spoke to Boy’s best friend/boyfriend, and I don’t know whether he just has a flirtatious manner, or he likes me. He doesn’t know that I know, and keeps hinting towards him being right for me, but I can’t go there; not now.
The most worrying thing that came from today is that I really felt for Boy. His girlfriend has been posting statuses like usual and hanging around with her friends, just like me, but I haven’t seen him online in at least a week. I wonder if he is coping. My heart tells me that he needs a friend throughout this time, and even if I get lost after he has recovered, I will feel like I have helped. I don’t want to help him on moral grounds, but as a friend, I feel I should. Despite the fact he is a terrible friend to me. Oh, I don’t know what to think. But, I’m not letting it worry me anymore, do you know why? Because he is not worth ruining my Christmas eve/day over.
Happy Christmas?
Last night I had a bit of an emotional overload. I refused to watch a film with my family, and cried for 2 hours, no joke. I just couldn’t explain to my dad WHY I was in such an awful mood, and why I’ve been in such a state for weeks now. To be honest, I struggle to explain it to myself.
I googled ‘why am I so upset?’, and a website with symptoms of clinical depression came up. Looking through them, I could have easily diagnosed myself with it, but I refuse to believe that is what I have. I do know that this is an illness; it isn’t me to be this down. I’ve been like this for at least 3 months now.
This morning was a struggle; although my parents did well on the present front, and the family wasn’t nearly as annoying as usual. This might have been the best Christmas in memory, had I not felt so lonely and broken.
Boy still hasn’t been online, and hasn’t replied to my text. It’s been so long, I’ve almost forgotten how to hate him, and just want to comfort him, but I know that I can’t, because he is a bad person who doesn’t deserve my time. At least, that’s what my friends think. They don’t understand how deeply I love him.
A special mention must go to another boy, who goes by the nickname ‘the Doctor’, who spoke to me for an hour and a half tonight, which I found awkward, but nice, because I don’t have to be someone else around him. He is like my brother, and I love having him there.
Oh, and I also discovered that Boy’s ‘boyfriend/best friend’ has a crush on me. But he knows I know, and understands that I couldn’t possibly date him now. Even though he is lovely, but not very good looking. Boy ruins everything.
Wish me luck…
Firstly, I must apologise for my lack of posts over the last few days, but I have had LOADS of revision to do, which sucks.
So has everyone else by the looks of things. I haven’t spoken to many of my friends, and if I have its been odd words through text or Facebook. It’s kinda sad. I really miss D, my friend in India, but it’s nice that she is away, because she never normally shows her appreciation for me. Now however she posts on my wall regularly and generally makes me feel loved.
Boy on the other hand, is not. I still haven’t spoken to him, making this nearly 3 weeks. It feels like a bloody lifetime. He clearly doesn’t love me as much as he said he does.
My New Year plan is to forget about him. Well, that is part of it. I’m working on all of the things I’m going to change in 2012, and I’m going to use the Secret to get them. If the Secret fails me, I will PERSONALLY change each individual thing with drastic and carefully calculated measures. Wish me luck.
Dreams and reality…
Sorry, I haven’t posted in a while, but I’ve had a lot to think about. Needless to say, you will hear all about it below.
New Year was spent with my estate, and a couple of my close friends who live on it. One is a boy in Boy’s year, but a different school, and he is absolutely lovely. He is playing Daddy Warbucks in our next production at drama, Annie, and I am playing Grace, so we have a lot of time together. Recently, I’ve started feeling affection towards him, and last week it got quite serious. I really just wanted to kiss him, which is weird, because I normally see him in a completely ‘FRIENDS ONLY’ light.
The other night I had a dream about him, and Boy; I was married to him and we were at a party, and Boy showed up, and apologised without saying anything, and just kissed me. It was a lovely moment, until my husband came over and looked really upset. It was like I’d broken him.
It made me realise that if Boy came back to me, I’d lose other, better friends. I hate to say it, but it would be worth it just to call him my own again.
Confused as to why I’m confused…
Saw Boy today, and instead of treating him like the utter loser he is, and hating on him big style, I straight away went to him and hugged him. We hugged several times; he told me I smelt nice, and that he enjoys hugging me. The other boy, Daddy Warbucks, asked why we hug so much. All I could think of is ‘because he’s my friend.’
‘Why, oh brawling love, oh loving hate, or anything of nothing first create…’ – that’s what Shakespeare says, when he describes the unrequited love Romeo feels for Rosaline. Normally, it perfectly describes the way I feel for Boy, but today, it was weird, because I could have sworn I felt it back.
Of course, he still hasn’t been on Facebook, or given me his new number, so I have no way of knowing.
Another thing I’m confused about is the girl who I know as my Fair-weather Friend (previously mentioned, as I really didn’t want to spend a day with her, but then she told me what was happening between Boy and his little friend) was being really distant; I didn’t see her the whole time. I think she hates me, and although I’m not fussed about her at all, it’s not a nice feeling, knowing someone is upset because of you.
The final thing that is befuddling my brain is the tension between my group of friends at the minute (A, B, C and D, who has just returned from India). We never argue, but recently, there has been a lot of silence and silent competing for friendships, as if there isn’t enough to go round. B isn’t talking to me like she used to, which I miss, because she WAS my best friend out of the lot. Now I feel like I’m close to all of them, making it harder to understand what is pulling at the fabric of our very relationships.
I need ice-cream.
Flashbacks…
Sorry, I haven’t posted in a while, its MOCK GCSE WEEK at my school; I’ve never been so stressed in my life. I am so mentally tired; I came to bed at half past eight.
This week has made me realise how lonely I am, boyfriend-wise. Yes, it sounds like a pathetic story of teenage woe, but I just want someone to hold me and keep me warm, inside and out. I just want someone to console me when I’m down. I just want Boy to like me.
Today in the free time after one of my exams, I listed all the reasons why I hate him in my head, in one minute. I got to about 8. Then I tried all the reasons why I love him, in one minute. My head was filled with flashbacks of heartwarming moments between the two of us; several love-filled hugs, and sideways smiles, and teary comforting, and hand-holding lovely-ness.
I need a plan to get him back, and if we don’t work out together, this time we’ll end on my terms, only my terms.
Do dreams come true?
Last night, I heard a statistic that 80% of 16 year olds have already met their spouse. Following this, I had a very strange, but deceptively vivid dream.
At the start, I was upstairs in my gran’s house, with a boy, who looked a lot like Richard Wisker. He was just a friend, but I really wanted to spend time with him. My gran, however, didn’t know that he was there, and kept calling me downstairs to look at this giant pearl she had, that was really made of ivory and engraved with little elephants. The scene then transformed to this big open street, which had grey tarmac on the ground. My gran and sister were walking at the front, and I and Richard boy were walking behind, holding hands. We were walking really close together, and letting go of each other’s hands if my gran turned around. She caught on however, and was really disapproving, but the boy simply turned and hugged me, and whispered ‘I love you’ in my ear.