FPM AHOY
by
Anindya Basu
* * * * *
PUBLISHED BY:
FPM Ahoy
Copyright © 2010 by Anindya Basu
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this translation may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
* * * * *
Writer’s Note
This is a selection from my book ‘The Final War – Version 3.0’.
* * * * *
FPM AHOY
* * * * *
CHAPTER 1
(As narrated to Vijay and Sumantro in the presence of Leena.)
Sharbani had one elder aunt from her father’s side and a younger aunt from her mother’s side. The first one was an extremely fucking prudish moralist woman. (Who now on will be referred to as FPM, as her’s is not an isolated case but representative of a wide class of women.)
When Sharbani was 8 years old and her brother Shubhodeep 6 years old, FPM had come visiting with her husband, say HPH (hen pecked husband) and her son Ratan, 10 and her daughter Mina, 5 for a week-long stay. 5 minutes after entering the drawing room, she started pouring her moral preachings on Sharbani’s father Aditya. “How could you take that picture of your own daughter and worse frame it and hang it up in your drawing room for all and sundry to see?”
The above-mentioned offensive picture showed the joyous, wet, smiling Sharbani, 5 and Shubhodeep, 3 in their birthday-suits, holding hands and standing together in their big, red bathtub. She was angry only due to the nakedness of little Sharbani and the nakedness of little Shubhodeep had not mattered in the least to her as further evinced when she turned her ire on Sharbani’s mother. “How could you let your husband take a picture of your naked daughter?”
Aditya and Ahana, a liberal couple, firmly and gently dismissed her moralist outpourings. Firmly rebuffed, a grumbling FPM turned her ire on HPH. “That Aditya may be a bad influence on you. If I ever catch you taking a picture of a naked Mina, first I will tear out the film roll, then I will break the camera over your head.”
The look on HPH’s face seemed to suggest FPM had just broken the camera on his head.
The fun had only begun. It was about noontime. Both Shubhodeep and Sharbani had taken their baths. Mina was yet to take her’s and Ratan’s mother was bathing him in the big luxurious marbled bathroom. FPM suddenly asked them to come quickly and ordered her husband to bring his camera immediately. HPH with his camera, Sharbani and Shubhodeep all three together went off. Mina in her undy and underfrock (sleeveless white frock worn as undergarment) was standing by the open door. HPH, Sharbani dressed similar to Mina, and Shubhodeep in his undy and vest, found a dripping wet Ratan, mother-naked, with a red mug in his right hand and a red bucket between his legs, with a bemused look on his face. His mother gushed to his father, “Look how cute our son is looking, and even cuter wee little thing.”
HPH, who knew what he had to do, clicked twice. After drying Ratan with a towel and powdering him, FPM ordered Ratan to go and sit in the big sofa in the drawing room quietly, in the state he was. After finding Ratan in that state, Ahana remonstrated with FPM. FPM shrugged off her words with the logic, “Little boys just love roaming about in nothing at all.”
In the meantime little Mina had taken off her underfrock and undy in anticipation of her impending bath, while watching HPH and Shubhodeep enjoying a game of carom. A furious FPM almost ran to the bathroom, dragging little naked Mina with her right hand, Mina’s discarded undergarments in her left hand. After closing the door, with her right index finger pointing at Mina, she started. “You girl, listen carefully, never take off your undy in front of males, not even your own father, let alone your little elder brother. For, are not all males potential dirtybads?”
“Dirtybad?” little Mina queried.
“Dirtybad is a horrible person who does horrible things to disobedient little girls, who take off their undies in front of males. Come to think of it, you must not even take off your underfrock. And listen further. Two years from now you will become a big girl and you will not roam about only in your under frock as you do now. You will always keep your frock on and never take it off with any males nearby. Got that into your head?”
A frightened little Mina nodded perceptively.
It was to get funnier still. In the evening, the two families were going out for shopping and eating out, according to a pre-planned arrangement. FPM, Ahana, Ratan, Sharbani, Shubhodeep, Mina were closeted in Aditya and Ahana’s large bedroom to deck themselves up for the impending outing. Ratan by then had on a vest and halfpant. FPM ordered Ratan and Shubhodeep to dress up first. Shubhodeep put on a half shirt and trousers over his undy, discarding the vest. Ratan pulled off his halfpant to reveal all, put on a full shirt and zipped up his trousers. Ahana pointed out to FPM the dangers of a little boy zipping up his trousers without an undy below. A visibly flustered FPM mumbled, “I have been thinking of buying Ratan a set of undies for the past two months but I keep on forgetting in the daily hassles of household work. That husband of mine, a good-for-nothing, I have to face all the troubles inside my home, even outside my home. I will buy Ratan a set of undies immediately on reaching home, after taking leave from you.”
She then ordered Ratan and Shubhodeep out of the room. An obedient little Ratan complied. A puzzled Shubhodeep stayed on. For, previously he had never been ordered out of the room while his mother and sister were changing.
FPM placed her hands on Shubhodeep’s shoulders. “Look dearie, it is highly improper and indecent for males to watch while girls are changing their clothes. Aren’t you a good little boy? Now, just you run off.”
A still puzzled Shubhodeep, wondering whether it was not highly improper and indecent for Ma, Didi, Pishi and Mina to watch while he and RatanDa were changing their clothes, slowly sauntered out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar.
Sharbani, who too was puzzled as to why RatanDa and Bhai were sent out of the room and deciding to quiz Ma about it later, took off her frock and under frock and started prettying herself up before the mirror. FPM pulled off Mina’s under frock and started powdering her body, while Ahana, who was resigned to FPM’s ways and had decided not to get into a tiff with her and spoil the festive mood, in her bra and petticoat stood waiting for her daughter to release the mirror. FPM was about to pull Mina’s undy down to powder the region hidden by the undy, when little Mina clung on to her undy and began moaning and cringing. “Dearie, what has happened? Are you feeling unwell?”
Little Mina pointed her head at the slightly open door. “They may be watching. Dirtybad will come.”
FPM got up from the bed and closed the door shut. Then she again opened the door just enough to put her head out of the door, and check whether indeed Ratan and Shubhodeep were nearby, trying to peep inside. Satisfied, she closed the door firmly and secured the lock. “Don’t worry anymore, nobody can be watching now.”
The next day too had its share of fun. FPM, Ratan, Shubhodeep, Sharbani, Mina, Ahana were all asleep in Aditya and Ahana’s bedroom, on the large bed, which had been cranked up to double its previous size. Aditya and HPH were in Sharbani and Shubhodeep’s smaller bedroom. It was 6:30 AM. FPM woke up first. Seeing the dials on the large Tiger clock on the wall, which was supposed to growl at 7:00 AM to wake them up, she immediately went to the other side and stretched her hand over Mina and shook her to wake her up. “Wake up. It’s 6:30 already.”
Mina climbed over Ahana, who was trying to stifle a yawn. FPM took Mina to the bathroom with a fresh set of clothes. Mina c
ame out after being washed and changed by FPM. Ratan went inside and after being washed and changed by FPM came out of the bathroom stark naked. In that state he waited for his mother to finish her washing and changing. After keeping a naked Ratan standing for 15 minutes, FPM came out and put on a fresh set of clothes on him. Shubhodeep in the meanwhile had woken up. He had gone to the bathroom in the smaller room. As FPM was dressing Ratan, Shubhodeep came into the room with a wet towel around his waist. As he tried to put on his fresh underpant, FPM let loose. “You boy, don’t unnecessarily put on your dry underpant under that wet towel and wet it. Just take off your towel and put on your dry underpant.”
Shubhodeep ignored FPM and put on his fresh underpant in double quick time. FPM was quite angered. “Would the sky have fallen over your head if you had taken off your wet towel and I had seen your little thing?”
Ahana, who had woken up, came to Shubhodeep’s rescue. “Didi let it pass. Shubho feels shame in taking off his underpant before outsiders and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.”
FPM would not have let Ahana have the last word, but just then HPH came into the room to ask his wife where she had kept his shaving set. With a scowl on her face, FPM followed her husband out of the room. Saving both Shubhodeep and Ahana from a lengthy lecture ‘Why little boys should have no hesitation in taking off all their clothes before all and sundry, anytime, anywhere’.
(Sharbani was consulting her old diary time and again. She had this habit of keeping a diary from a very young age. “This happened when Ma asked Baba to sponge bathe me.”)
Sharbani was running a temperature, though nothing serious. Ahana asked her to skip bath for that day. She then asked Aditya to take care of Sharbani before he went out for the day to day affairs of his family business. A curious FPM asked Ahana what she meant. Ahana replied, “Yes, whenever the children fall sick, it is Aditya who sponge bathes them. The children are at their best behaviour when under the care of their father.”
FPM was appalled. “What?! You let your husband bathe your daughter. You mean, he takes off her clothes and makes her naked and puts his hand all over her body.”
Ahana shrugged her off. “So what? Aditya is Sharbani’s father, isn’t he? Both parents should have equal duties, obligations, responsibilities towards their children. And if there is nothing for boy children to be ashamed in being naked in front of their mothers, there is no reason at all why girl children should be ashamed to be naked in front of their fathers?”
FPM could but simply gulp at Ahana’s logic, knowing it was virtually impossible to change her stand. In her mind, she made mincemeat of both Aditya and Ahana. She also promised in her mind to give a firm warning to her good-for-nothing husband in this regard the next time she got hold of him. Who knows he may be tempted by that Aditya’s example and strip Mina naked in her absence and… An enraged FPM could not think anymore. It was just as well that at Shubhodeep’s request HPH had agreed to umpire a cricket match involving Shubhodeep and his friends in the neighbouring housing estate’s indoor arena, or FPM would have blasted him to pieces. Nine times out of ten she took it out on the poor man for imaginary offences, offences he would not dare commit in his wildest dreams.
(“This occurred when Bhai was teased by Pishi for not taking off his towel to get oiled by Ma.”)
Ahana was oiling Shubhodeep. FPM said, “Why does your son need a towel? Unnecessarily soiling the towel. Shubho, why don’t you take off the towel and save your mother unnecessary trouble. Look, I am like a mother to you. You should not have any sense of shame before me. To tell the truth, boys of your age should not have any shame before anybody, not only relatives but also strangers. You should learn from the example set by your elder brother.”
Ahana smilingly desisted FPM from turning Shubhodeep into a younger version of Ratan. “We should not differentiate between our sons and daughters in any matter. If we do, then we have no right to talk of equality between men and women.”
A querulous FPM refused to give in. “Do you mean to say boys and girls should have the same degree of shame?”
Ahana said, “Well, why not?”
FPM turned with a smile curled on her lips, thinking, “That Shubhodeep will grow up to be a girly, sissy boy, what with his mother’s lessons. He will not find any girl to marry him. On the other hand, my Ratan, he will grow up to be a manly, macho boy, thanks to my lessons. Girls will simply fall over him.” FPM was really pleased thinking of Shubhodeep’s future plight and her son’s glorious future.
(“This happened when that famous duet song by Shalmal Shankar & Mohini Murchhana was shown on TV.”)
The Bollywood blockbuster Dil Kho Jaye To Pyar Mil Jaye (Lose Your Heart To Find Your Love) which had run into censor troubles a year ago was the Saturday evening’s special fare on BTV. Incidentally the censors and the moral guardians had to beat a hasty retreat in the face of public outrage when they had tried to ban the film on grounds of female nudity. That was because the people refused to be denied watching a film that had won the award for the best film at three international film festivals, just because of some stupid, outdated laws framed by self-appointed moral guardians of society.
Ten minutes into the film, came that famous song-and-dance sequence, which was the reason the film had run into censor trouble and moral muck. FPM, who knew of that scene from film magazines, had been apprehensive from the beginning. She was hoping the scene had been censored. But her fond hopes were soon dashed to the ground. The worst of her fears came true. The hero Shalmal Shankar and heroine Mohini Murchhana, identically dressed, topless in G-strings, were seen floating towards each other on jetpads, in the golden waters of a bubbling, shimmering, frothy swimming pool. An unintelligible sound came out from FPM’s mouth. But she got over shock almost instantly and recovering her senses, barked her order at Ratan and Shubhodeep, directed more towards the latter, since the obedient Ratan was looking downwards, quite aware even at this age of what was good for him and what was bad for him. “Little dears, please go off the room. Good little boys should not watch such scenes. Girls like this one, no sense of any dignity whatsoever, no sense of honour, no shame at all in parading her body before all and sundry, no self-respect, no culture, no embarrassment, no remorse, no regret, throwing all her modesty to the winds, spoiling little boys, chewing out their moral senses, putting indecent thoughts in their innocent heads, turning the heads of all menfolk, provoking them into indecent behaviour with women outside their homes and who can blame them if they look upon all women as women of bad character.”
Shubhodeep, who had not found anything wrong with either Shalmal and Mohini’s beautiful bodies, including the latter’s glorious, firm honey coloured breasts, guessed correctly that FPM had found nothing wrong with Shalmal’s bare body, but it was Mohini’s bare body which had caused this tumultuous outburst. FPM would have gone on and on with her haranguing, what with her teeth gnashing about, eyes on fire, face and ears reddened but for the surprise that totally ignoring her orders — that is not the obedient Ratan, who had complied with her order as soon as it had dropped from her mouth — Shubhodeep, along with Ahana, Sharbani, Mina was enjoying the indecent for males but alright for females song-and-dance sequence.
In fact Shubhodeep, fearful of FPM’s outburst almost made up his mind to follow Ratan out of the room but Sharbani held him back and Ahana compounded the felony by pulling him onto her lap.
Ahana tried to make up for the gross impropriety Shubhodeep had committed, and which had been doubled by Sharbani and quadrupled by herself. “Look Didi, there is nothing shameful about female bodies and we must not instil an idea in their little heads from childhood itself that a female body is an object full of sin.”
The only thing FPM could do was to pray silently to Mother Earth to open up and swallow her.
(“Now we’ll come to a scene on the third day, where RatanDa was ordered by Pishi to roam about naked, but Mina was admonished by her for taking off only the underfrock.”)
<
br /> The third day too FPM was in full form. It was a particularly hot and humid day. The time was about 10 AM. FPM said to Ratan, “It’s so sweltering hot. Take off your vest, better still, take off your pant too. Oh, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, aren’t you a boy?”
The ever-obedient Ratan was soon in his birthday-suit. Following her elder brother’s example, Mina too took off her under frock and was about to take off her undy when she remembered FPM’s warning that dirtybad could come and do all sorts of bad things to her if she took off her undy and pulled off her hands in the nick of time. FPM, when she saw Mina with her underfrock in her hands, pounced on her. “Who asked you to take off your underfrock?”
Mina whimpered that she was feeling hot.
“So what if it is hot? It’s not that hot that you have to take off your underfrock. Remember, the next time I see you repeating the indecency, I will box your ears and slap you resoundingly.”
(“Some time later, Pishi was dumbfounded when she heard that Ma was about to take a bath along with me & Bhai.”)
FPM was in a state of gigantic shock when she learnt that this was not an isolated case and once every week, Ahana took a bath along with her children. When she asked Ahana if she really took off all her clothes before Shubhodeep in the bathroom, Ahana replied with a logic that was impossible for even FPM to repudiate. “Surely Didi, you must know that in the Hindu scriptures it says that a woman should have no shame in being naked before own husband and children.”
FPM could only grumble to herself. “That Ahana must be surely lying to cover up her shamelessness. That must be it, she has distorted the facts. In the scriptures it must have been written that a woman can be naked only in front of her husband and female children. Oh, I can not even imagine this. Ahana taking off all her clothes before Shubhodeep. Shubhodeep watching every part of his mother’s body. Aagh!”
(“In the evening, we found Pishi enjoying the antics of Naga sadhus in India News.”) It was the third evening. Seated on the shape-shifting sofa in the drawing room, FPM was enjoying the antics of Naga sadhus in the weekly India News. The India News had done a cover story on the Kumbha Mela with vivid shots of Naga sadhus and their antics. FPM just could not take her eyes of the candid photo shots. Just then Mina and Sharbani came into the room. FPM asked them both to sit on either side of her. Mina asked innocently, “Ma, do even big boys enjoy roaming about naked like little boys?”
FPM giggled. “Hee hee, you’re right. Look, real, macho men are never ashamed to flaunt about their things. It is a long-standing tradition of our country.”
FPM’s enjoyment came to a screeching halt when on turning the page she came across shots of a few foreign women who emulating the Naga sadhus were roaming about in the altogether (their vital regions blackened out). FPM gnashed her teeth. “Grrr! How dare they print the pictures of naked women? The dirty rascals, the filthy scoundrels, don’t they have mothers and sisters at home? And these foreign women. Throwing all sense of shame and modesty to the winds. Women of loose morals, bad character. Trying to corrupt our womenfolk.”
Sharbani asked, “Pishi, why shouldn’t big girls enjoy roaming about naked like big boys?”
FPM was shocked. “My goodness! Whoever put such an abominable idea in your little head? You must know that while for men shame is something they should not have at all, for women modesty is like their ornaments. Real women always hold modesty as the virtue dearest to their hearts. All our religious scriptures say so.”
Amidst FPM’s outburst, Shubhodeep sauntered in. FPM whispered, “Quick, let me hide the magazine. He’s such a pure, innocent little boy. We must not impurify him, spoil his innocence by letting him see the dirty pictures of these naked women.” And thus Shubhodeep’s purity and innocence were preserved.
(“This incident was on the fourth day when the children of our neighbouring housing estate took off their clothes and danced in the rain.”)
It was the fourth day. Once again FPM’s contrasting, hypocritical views on male nudity and female nudity was shown up in glaring light. The long spell of dry, hot weather had added to the agony of FPM, who was still burning from last evening’s perceived humiliation. It came as a great relief to everyone around when an abrupt, unexpected shower cooled everything down especially FPM’s internal temperature. FPM’s heart was further gladdened by a sight that was unfolding on the neighbouring housing estate’s sprawling green meadow.
Four little boys aged between six and eight, obviously delighted at the sudden shower after a long hot spell, had come out of their flats after taking off all their clothes and were dancing in the rain. FPM squealed like a little girl. “Oh, look at those little boys dancing naked in the rain. Look at their wee little things dancing along. Hee hee hee hee.”
FPM was really enjoying herself. But she had forgotten that good things in life do not last for long. All of a sudden her hee hee came to a screeching halt and she looked like as if she had just swallowed a bumble-bee. The cause of her discomfort was not hard to discover. Three little girls, no doubt encouraged and excited by their male counterparts’ playful enjoyment and more than willing to grab their share of the fun, had come out to join the little boys, without a single stitch on their bodies. FPM instantly exploded at the little girls’ choice of clothes even though it was identical to that of the little boys. “I would like to give a piece of my mind to those girls’ parents, allowing such big girls to come out naked out of their homes.”
Incidentally the so-called big girls were of the same or less age than the so-called little boys. FPM continued her diatribe against her invisible, absconding adversaries.
* * * * *