I Tried to Tell You but You Wouldn't Listen
Copyright 2014 Cindy Matias
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So I went to my therapist the other day and she gave me a new assignment. Yes, I have a therapist. I didn’t think I would need one, since I thought having a therapist was a rich people thing, but, hey, doctor’s orders. She said therapy would be a good thing for me. She said I could now have someone to talk to and resolve any under-lying issues I might have or something like that. Anyway, on a special journal I am supposed to write down how I feel. Hmmm…I don’t know how I feel about that. Oh, that’s good, I don’t know how I feel. I’m a good at this. Okay, I’m confused, am I supposed to write down how I feel alright now or how I feel when I go to those deep dark places? Maybe I’m over-thinking this. Cause honestly, right now I feel just fine. I’m a generally happy person. I’m content with most of my life. It’s just been lately things have been different. I’m “feeling” way more than I should. My emotions have been out of control. And I’m not like that. I’m not. I’m like that person in a T.V. show who’s generally a happy character that comes up with some wise jokes and really doesn’t seem to have many problems. That was me! A secondary character in the background! Ok, being a background character doesn’t sound too glorious but it’s better than what I have become! A monster! I’m kidding but I really don’t like where I’m standing right now. Worst of all, my family’s been getting worried. They shouldn’t be, but they are. I mean, I know what’s wrong, I just haven’t told anyone. Cause honestly, I do know what’s wrong, I just don’t know how to tell anyone. I don’t know what to say. I can think of a whole novel of the things I want to tell other people in my head but as soon as I want it to come out of my mouth, nothing comes out! It’s really frustrating but what makes it more frustrating is when others get frustrated with my lack of communication. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love talking. I love expressing my ideas and point-of- views on important issues, but when it comes to feelings, I can’t say jack. My cat literally snatches my tongue away as soon as I want to say something. Like a ninja! Honestly, I just feel really weird when I try to talk about how I feel. I start shivering like crazy and my eyes get super watery and it’s just a really uncomfortable feeling. It’s an awful feeling. I don’t know, I blame my cat for all of this.
My family’s been saying my “unusual” behavior has been showing more and more lately but it really pisses me off when they point it out. I know I haven’t been myself lately, I know that I’ve been isolating myself from everyone else, and I freaking know that I’ve been kind of down in the dumps! I know all of that! But I only go into my deep dark places for a little bit but then I just get right back out. That’s how I solve most of my problems anyway; wait until they go away by themselves. That’s how I deal with my “personal” problems at least. But no, my family, they’re like trying to squeeze this information out of me and they just don’t understand I don’t work that way. I come to you when I need to talk and if I never do, then I don’t need to talk! Okay, that’s not very true, but my family; well, they are just not people I feel comfortable talking to. I mean how do you tell your deepest darkest thoughts to people you have to see every day! I mean, I listen to what they have to say, and sometimes I just can’t look at them the same way after what’s been said. I guess that’s one of the reasons I don’t talk to them. I don’t want them to see me differently. I want them to see me as a normal person, not a person who needs help. I mean cause when people say they have inner demons, they really mean it. It kind of scares me. Here are people that I live with every day and I would have never known what was running through their heads if they never said anything. And that’s where another problem comes in.
I can’t relate to them! I mean they have all these issues, these “inner-demons”, and I have none! Okay, I’m lying again, I have gone through some things, not too serious, but they’re there. And like I’ve mentioned before; everything stays in my mind. But I guess it does sound kind of silly when I say I can’t talk to anyone cause I haven’t suffered through any serious traumatic experiences. But honestly, in a way, I kind of do of feel that way. I mean, they’re able to relate to each other because they have gone through these things; they’re able to share and exchange their experiences and their feelings in a way I can’t. Anyway, when I started to realize how communicative my family can really be, that’s when my deep dark places started to appear. I would always just be there just listening. As I always do. That’s when I started feeling down. That’s when I realized my…. well since I don’t want to give any names, I’ll name this person Carrot. That’s when I started to realize that Carrot shined brighter than I did in this particular area. You see, Carrot and I have been rivals, if not enemies, since the day we were born. Around the beginning of high school though, I was at the top of my game. I started getting all this attention from my family and Carrot was almost non-existent. Carrot, because of this, suffered greatly from like, everything, but I shinned like a shooting star. These past few months thought, things started to change. Carrot’s moping became something people wanted to listen to. I swear the damn Carrot can’t stop feeling! I mean she feels every day! Who does that?
I guess that’s when I started to feel…left out. Oh there’s something good I can write down, left out. When my family talks about the big bad important issues, they never let me know. Even when it comes to the little thing, I’m always the last to know. They tend to exclude me from these serious conversations and always kick me out of the room when they don’t want me there. I’ve always hated when they do that. They say it’s because it usually doesn’t pertain to me, but it seems like all their issues ever pertain to me! I don’t know. I guess it’s always been that way. I mean since I’m one of the older ones I always thought I could be trusted with these family secrets but no one thinks I’m “mature” enough. Carrot, on the other hand, gets to know everything and Carrot’s younger! I mean, all my life I always wanted to have a close relationship with somebody in my family but I never got that. And here’s Carrot, bleeding its heart out to everyone who crosses its path. I just feel like being overly emotional and overly opinionated just makes life more difficult. Carrot has made over a dozen of enemies over the years, but me, the only “enemies” I have are my friend’s enemies. Carrot always tells people what’s on Carrot’s mind but it gets to a point where it becomes just plain rude. They are just some things people should keep to themselves. Not like me though, I’m a bad example. Carrot oozes with all these feelings and opinions but I think that’s one of Carrot’s greatest downfalls. I mean, it seems like Carrot is the more miserable one out of the both of us anyway. We’re just complete opposites. That one can’t keep its mouth shut and I can’t open mine. Blabber mouth is going to end up getting therapy like me it keeps it up at this rate. Oh, wait, it already has.
Okay, I admit it, I’m an attention whore! But only cause I’ve lacked it for so and once I got it, it was like this surplus of attention that I became addicted to it. Okay maybe addicted isn’t the best word but I really liked it. It didn’t last long though and my importance in the family eventually diminished as time flew by. I mean, now I seek attention from other people but not in the w
rong kind of way. I just like when people acknowledge my existence, that’s all. But now, I just feel kind of lonely because I’m not the center of attention anymore. Oh, lonely, I’m adding lonely to my list now. I guess that’s why I hate when Carrot even gets even the tiniest amount of more attention than me. When I really think about it, I’ve craved a close relationship with my parents the most. Growing up, they were just never around and I the closest people I had were probably my grandparents. My oldest memories are memoires of them taking care of me and my brother. My dad was always out and about “working” and my mother was always on his trail. My image of my mom was always this angry lady who was bitter at life and my dad was sort of more understanding but when he got angry, it was best to avoid him at all cost. I mean my parents never really hurt us in any kind of way but watching them fight all the time did hurt. They were so busy always fighting with each other that they didn’t really pay attention to us. To this day, I don’t feel that my parents have the slightest clue of who I am as a person. Who any of my siblings are as people! Since they were never there, a personal connection between my parents and I was never really made. Today, every time I “talk” with my mom, I just sit and listen while she talks. Not kidding, I put my small input here and there, but I get to listen to her problems and her issues and she doesn’t seem to acknowledge that I might want to say something.
I was always glad to listen to people’s problem but it got to a point when I started feeling like I was being used. I always had to be there for other people but when I wanted to say something, there would be nowhere in sight. I was trying to open up, I wanted to tell people how I freaking felt, but time after time; I found no one to be there for me. It may sound a little exaggerated, but back then, it really felt that way. It still feels that way. Now I just feel like all these feelings I’ve had have been all locked up into this tiny tiny box and I’ve lost the way to open it. I can’t let them out anymore. I kept them in for so long that now they can’t come out. I guess that’s the biggest issue. I feel trapped. There’s another word I should write down. I’ve lost the ability to express myself freely and that’s what scares me the most. It’s what frustrates me the most! I want to regain my ability of self-expression and I’m trying my hardest to do so. I agreed to get therapy because of this. I want my mind to be free and tell people how I feel without feeling sick. I mean, I’m just like most people, I don’t any overly traumatic issues, but sometimes these small issues add up. I think the small issues have added up so much that I do need to talk them out. You know, thinking about it, this therapy thing hasn’t been so bad, by writing these things down, I’m able to see where all my problems lie and I see that keeping a journal really can help. This journal can help my express my thoughts without saying a word! This is great! Wait a minute…crap! I haven’t written anything down! I’ve only written three things: left out, lonely, and trapped. You know what, never mind! I give up….