By the Same Author
plays
PLAYS ONE: The King and Me,
Outskirts, Borderline, Birds of Passage
SLEEP WITH ME
WHEN THE NIGHT BEGINS
screenplays
MY BEAUTIFUL LAUNDRETTE & THE RAINBOW SIGN
SAMMY AND ROSIE GET LAID
LONDON KILLS ME
MY SON THE FANATIC
COLLECTED SCREENPLAYS I
THE MOTHER
VENUS
fiction
THE BUDDHA OF SUBURBIA
THE BLACK ALBUM
LOVE IN A BLUE TIME
MIDNIGHT ALL DAY
GABRIEL’S GIFT
THE BODY
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU
non-fiction
THE FABER BOOK OF POP
(edited with Jon Savage)
DREAMING AND SCHEMING
MY EAR AT HIS HEART
THE WORD AND THE BOMB
Hanif Kureishi
INTIMACY
Contents
By the Same Author
Title Page
It is the saddest night
She talks of how her work colleagues have let her down
The boys have fallen asleep
From the beginning
My young gay friend Ian
Susan has already laid the table
I force myself to eat
This is not my first flight
After we have cleared up
If only I could see her face again
For Aristotle the aim of life is ‘successful activity’
After a certain age there are only certain people
You sat back in your chair
The comfortable chairs
What puzzles me more than anything?
One makes mistakes
I like walking to school at lunch-time
I am still standing upright
Fuck it, I will leave everything here
I run my hand down the CDs
Separation wouldn’t have occurred
Victor and I were in our favourite bar
Come on. Forward.
My children hunt through their toy boxes
I asked Nina to marry me
You pick up other people’s feelings
Not only does Susan work until seven
Victor’s flat is in a fashionable, bohemian part of town
I turn out the lights and find myself climbing the stairs
How Nina tantalizes
When did the realization really happen?
I have wavered
For a year Nina visited me every two or three weeks
Could I have done more with Susan?
Susan and I cannot make one another happy
A few weeks before this
These days I think often of the couples I know
I know love is dark work
It is beguiling how, in good relationships
I can’t have been at my best
After my morning coffee
I shove her a little, roughly
How rarely are we really disillusioned!
I don’t want to wonder who Nina is with tonight
How weak the arc of my urine is
I drop Susan’s pants into the basket
From the darkness of the hall
When I leave I want her to vanish too
Holding the back of his head with one hand
You could go into the dark
Once, coming home at four
Susan must have been watching me
I liked taking Nina to restaurants
Asif was marking papers
Victor says, ‘It was the worst
‘What’s the matter? Are they sick? Are they awake?’
Lying I don’t recommend
Tonight the streets smell of urine
Outside the bar there are dudes in knee–length thick coats
Victor was always kissing Nina
‘I went to a bar for a drink
Having not found Victor in the bar
Susan sits down beside me
What could be more dreadful than daylight?
Without eating, drinking or thinking excessively
I pick up my bag from the centre of the bedroom floor
Victor is sitting at the table in his black dressing gown
We walked together, lost in our own thoughts
About the Author
Copyright
INTIMACY
It is the saddest night, for I am leaving and not coming back. Tomorrow morning, when the woman I have lived with for six years has gone to work on her bicycle, and our children have been taken to the park with their ball, I will pack some things into a suitcase, slip out of my house hoping that no one will see me, and take the tube to Victor’s place. There, for an unspecified period, I will sleep on the floor in the tiny room he has kindly offered me, next to the kitchen. Each morning I will heave the thin single mattress back to the airing cupboard. I will stuff the musty duvet into a box. I will replace the cushions on the sofa.
I will not be returning to this life. I cannot. Perhaps I should leave a note to convey this information. ‘Dear Susan, I am not coming back …’ Perhaps it would be better to ring tomorrow afternoon. Or I could visit at the weekend. The details I haven’t decided. Almost certainly I will not tell her my intentions this evening or tonight. I will put it off. Why? Because words are actions and they make things happen. Once they are out you cannot put them back. Something irrevocable will have been done, and I am fearful and uncertain. As a matter of fact, I am trembling, and have been all afternoon, all day.
This, then, could be our last evening as an innocent, complete, ideal family; my last night with a woman I have known for ten years, a woman I know almost everything about, and want no more of. Soon we will be like strangers. No, we can never be that. Hurting someone is an act of reluctant intimacy. We will be dangerous acquaintances with a history. That first time she put her hand on my arm – I wish I had turned away. Why didn’t I? The waste; the waste of time and feeling. She has said something similar about me. But do we mean it? I am in at least three minds about all questions.
I perch on the edge of the bath and watch my sons, aged five and three, one at each end. Their toys, plastic animals and bottles float on the surface, and they chatter to themselves and one another, neither fighting nor whingeing, for a change. They are ebullient and fierce, and people say what happy and affectionate children they are. This morning, before I set out for the day, knowing I had to settle a few things in my mind, the elder boy, insisting on another kiss before I closed the door, said, ‘Daddy, I love everyone.’
Tomorrow I will do something that will damage and scar them.
The younger boy has been wearing chinos, a grey shirt, blue braces and a policeman’s helmet. As I toss the clothes in the washing basket, I am disturbed by a sound outside. I hold my breath.
Already!
She is pushing her bicycle into the hall. She is removing the shopping bags from the basket.
Over the months, and particularly the last few days, wherever I am – working, talking, waiting for the bus – I have contemplated this rupture from all angles. Several times I have missed my tube stop, or have found myself in a familiar place that I haven’t recognized. I don’t always know where I am, which can be a pleasurably demanding experience. But these days I tend to feel I am squinting at things upside down.
I have been trying to convince myself that leaving someone isn’t the worst thing you can do to them. Sombre it may be, but it doesn’t have to be a tragedy. If you never left anything or anyone there would be no room for the new.
Naturally, to move on is an infidelity – to others, to the past, to old notions of oneself. Perhaps every day should contain at least one essential infidelity or necessary betrayal. It would be an optimistic, hopeful act, guaranteeing belief in the future – a declaration that things can be not only different but better.
Therefore I am exchanging Susan, my children, my house, and the garden full of dope plants and cherry blossom I can see through the bathroom window, for a spot at Victor’s where there will be draughts and dust on the floor.
Eight years ago Victor left his wife. Since then – even excepting the Chinese prostitute who played the piano naked and brought all her belongings to their assignations – he has had only unsatisfactory loves. If the phone rings he does a kind of panicky dance, wondering what opprobrium may be on the way, and from which direction. Victor, you see, can give women hope, if not satisfaction.
We find pubs and restaurants more congenial. I must say that when Victor isn’t sitting in the dark, his eyes sunken and pupils dilated with incomprehension and anger, he can be easy-going, even amusing. He doesn’t mind whether I am silent or voluble. He is used to the way I dash from subject to subject, following the natural momentum of my mind. If I ask him why his wife still hates him, he will tell me. Like my children I appreciate a good story, particularly if I’ve heard it before. I want all the details and atmosphere. But he speaks slowly, as some Englishmen do. Often I have no idea whether he is merely waiting for another word to occur or will, perhaps, never speak again. I can only welcome such intervals as the opportunity for reverie. But will I want monologues and pauses, draughts and pubs, every day?
Susan is in the room now.
She says, ‘Why don’t you ever shut the bathroom door?’
‘What?’
‘Why don’t you?’
I can’t think of a reason.
She is busily kissing the children. I love her enthusiasm for them. When we really talk, it is about them, something they have said or done, as if they are a passion no one else can share or understand.
Susan doesn’t touch me but presents her cheek a few inches from my lips, so that to kiss her I must lean forward, thus humiliating both of us. She smells of perfume and the street.
She goes to change and returns in jeans and sweatshirt, with a glass of wine for each of us.
‘Hallo. How are you?’
She looks at me hard, in order to have me notice her. I feel my body contract and shrink.
‘Okay‚’ I reply.
I nod and smile. Does she see anything different in my face today? Have I given myself away yet? I must look beaten. Usually, before seeing her I prepare two or three likely subjects, as if our conversations are examinations. You see, she accuses me of being silent with her. If only she knew how I stammer within. Today, I have been too feverish to rehearse. This afternoon was particularly difficult. And silence, like darkness, can be kind; it, too, is a language. Couples have good reason for not speaking.
She talks of how her work colleagues have let her down.
‘They are not good enough‚’ she says.
‘Is that right?’
It has been difficult for her since the publishing house was taken over. But she is a woman of strong feelings anyway, of either dislike or enthusiasm. Generally they are of dislike. Others, including me, infuriate and frustrate her. It is disturbing, the way I am compelled to share her feelings, though I don’t know the people. As she talks I see why I leave the bathroom door open. I can’t be in a room with her for too long without feeling that there is something I must do to stop her being so angry. But I never know what I should do, and soon I feel as if she is shoving me against the wall and battering me.
The boys’ bath water drains away slowly, as their toys impede the plughole. They won’t move until the water is gone, and then they sit there making moustaches and hats with the remaining bubbles. Eventually I lift the younger one out. Susan takes the other.
We wrap them in thick hooded towels. With damp hair and beads of water on their necks, and being so tired and all, the boys look like diminutive boxers after a match. They argue about what pyjamas they want to wear. The younger one will only wear a Batman T-shirt. They seem to have become self-conscious at an early age. They must have got it from us.
Susan gives the younger boy a bottle, which he holds up to his mouth two-handedly, like a trumpeter. I watch her caressing his hair, kissing his dimpled fingers and rubbing his stomach. He giggles and squirms. What a quality of innocence people have when they don’t expect to be harmed. Who could violate it without damaging himself? At school – I must have been eight or nine – there sat next to me a smelly boy from a poor family. One day, when we all stood, his leg slipped down behind the bench. Deliberately I jerked it up, trapping his leg. The look on his face of inexplicable and unexpected pain has stayed with me. You can choose whether to do others good or harm.
We take the children downstairs, where they lie on cushions, nonchalantly sucking their dummies, watching The Wizard of Oz with their eyes half open. They look like a couple of swells smoking cigars in a field on a hot day. They demand ginger biscuits, as if I am a butler. I fetch them from the kitchen without Susan noticing me. The boys extend their greedy fingers but don’t look away from the TV. As the film runs they not only murmur the dialogue but echo the sound effects too. After a while, I pick up the crumbs and, having considered what to do with them, fling them in a corner.
Susan works in the kitchen, listening to the radio and looking out at the garden. She enjoys that. Her own family life, like mine, has mostly been unpleasant. Now she goes to a lot of trouble to shop well and make good meals. Even if we’re having a takeaway, she won’t let us eat in a slew of newspapers, children’s books and correspondence. She puts out napkins, lights candles and opens the wine, insisting we have a proper family meal, including nervy silences and severe arguments.
She likes auctions, where she buys unusual pictures, prints and furniture, often with worn velvet attached to some part of them. We have a lot of lamps, cushions and curtains, some of which hang across the middle of the room, as if a play is about to start, and from which I try to stop the boys swinging. There are deep armchairs, televisions, telephones, pianos, music systems and the latest magazines and newest books in every room. Most people don’t have comfort, plenty and ease like this.
At home I don’t feel at home. In the morning I will let go of it. Definitely. Bye-bye.
I sit on the floor near the boys, releasing the buckle of my belt when I locate it finally in the loose folds of my belly. For a change I neither pick up the newspaper nor follow the film, but examine my sons, their feet, ears, eyes. This evening, when I am both here and not here – almost a ghost, already – I will not drink, get stoned, or argue. I have to be aware of everything. I want to develop a mental picture I can carry around and refer to when I am at Victor’s place. It will be the first of the few things I must, tonight, choose to take with me.
Suddenly I feel as if I might vomit, and I slap my hand over my mouth. The feeling passes. But now I could howl! I feel as if I am in a plunging aeroplane. I will see the children as often as I can, but I will miss things here. The disorder of family life: the children’s voices as they sing their scatological version of ‘The Teddy Bears’ Picnic’; watching them watch television through their new binoculars; the three of us dancing to the Rolling Stones, the older one balanced perilously on the coffee table, the other plunging through the sofa; seeing them on their bikes, as they speed away from me, yelling; them walking down the street in the sunshine, umbrellas up, crooning ‘Singin’ in the Rain’. Once, when the older boy was a baby, he threw up in one of my shoes, and I didn’t notice until I was in the taxi on my way to the airport.
If I come home and the children aren’t here, even if there’s plenty to do, I can wander from room to room waiting for their faces to come through the door, and for the world to be re-animated by their chaotic energy.
What could be more imp
ortant? Lost in the middle of my life and no way home, what kind of experience do I imagine I am forfeiting this for? I have had a surplus of emotional experience with men, women, colleagues, parents, acquaintances. I have read, thought and talked for years. Tonight, how will any of it guide me? Perhaps I should be impressed by the fact that I haven’t attached myself to things, that I am loose and free enough to walk away in the morning. But what am I free for? Surely the ultimate freedom is to choose, to dispense with freedom for the obligations that tie one to life – to get involved.
This confusion isn’t going to leave me alone. But by the morning my mind had better be made up about certain things. I must not descend into self-pity, at least not for longer than necessary. I have found that it is not my moods that frustrate me but the depth and indeterminacy of their duration. If I feel a bit low, I fear a year-long depression. If my once-girlfriend Nina became distant or sharp, I was convinced she was permanently detaching herself from me.
Tonight my predominant emotion is fear of the future. At least, one might say, it is better to fear things than be bored by them, and life without love is a long boredom. I may be afraid but I am not cynical. I am trying to be resolute. Tonight, don’t worry, I will set the record crooked.
I should, too, consider what it is I love about life and other people. Otherwise I will turn the future into a wasteland, eliminating possibility before anything can develop. It is easy to kill oneself off without dying. Unfortunately, to get to the future one has to live through the present.
While considering these things, I have thought of several people who seem to have been depressed for most of their lives, and have accepted a condition of relative unhappiness as if it is their due. How much time have my numerous depressions wasted over all? Three years, at least. Longer than all my sexual pleasure put together, I should imagine.
I encourage myself to think of the pleasures of being a single man in London, of what there might be to look forward to. My sons look up as I giggle to myself. The other night Victor goes to a bar, meets a woman with a stud through her tongue and is invited to her loft in the East End. She likes to be tied up; she has the equipment. The stud roams his scrotum, like, as he says, a slug with a ball bearing in its head. They joke about misplacing the keys. His bottom smarts.