To Joyce
Thank you for making people love to write and read
For Aunt Patty
Because she, too, is missed
And for Em and Doug
Without you two there’s no point in duct tape
Woodbury, Minnesota
Copyright Information
Love (and other uses for duct tape) © 2008 by Carrie Jones.
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First e-book edition © 2011
E-book ISBN: 9780738725376
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You think you know people and then it turns out you don’t.
You think you learn this and then it turns out you didn’t.
People keep changing who they are and defining themselves by their own choices, and that’s cool most of the time, but not all the time. No, it’s not cool all the time at all.
George Burns said, Don’t stay in bed unless you can make money in bed, which sounds like a good song:
Don’t stay
In bed
Unless you can make
Don’t stay
Make bed
make it in bed
Friday
“So.” Em flips back her hair, slams herself into the seat next to me at the cafeteria. “How’s the problem?”
I stir my Postum. The wheat grains dissolve into the water, turning it murky. “The Problem?”
“I thought maybe you … you know? Something happened last night,” Em leans forward, waiting, waiting, waiting, just like me.
Tom’s almost through the line. He’s dimple-grinning at the lunch lady. She blushes and hands him back his card. His strong fingers smash it into the pocket of his jeans. Then he turns, makes eye contact with me, even though we’re all the way across the cafeteria.
I swallow. My hand clutches my mug of Postum like that will make me steady. “The Problem is still a problem.”
Tom’s duct tape saying of the day, plastered across the back of his hand, is from George Burns, who is dead but used to be an actor who played God in a movie, I think. I know he always had a cigar in his mouth, which is so phallic I just can’t believe it. But, truth is, I’m thinking that everything is phallic lately. That’s because I’m sexually frustrated.
The quote stuck on Tom’s hand?
“Don’t stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.”
I’m trying just to tap the shiny tape with my finger in a totally nonchalant way, but instead I draw my fingertip all the way across it. “Interesting.”
“You think?”
“Yeah.”
We’re in German class. Somehow the air suddenly changes. It stops smelling like Crash’s sweat-wet socks and starts smelling like Tom, like Old Spice deodorant and pine trees.
“You’re too sexy for me,” I whisper. “I can’t handle it.”
He wiggles his eyebrows. I tip up the edge of the duct tape. There are tiny man hairs under there.
“That’s going to hurt when you take it off.”
“I know.” He gives me this look, this meaningful boyfriend look. “But it’s worth it.”
I’m not sure if he’s talking about the duct tape or me. His cheek twitches and he looks away.
“You’re blushing … ”
“I know.”
“You have practice today?” I fiddle with my mechanical pencil, pushing the lead out. It’s a tiny dark line. Too many clicks and it’ll topple onto Tom’s desk.
“Yeah.”
“Baseball … Baseball … Baseball … ” I tease.
The lead falls out. I pinch it up with my fingernails and Herr Reitz, our German teacher, clears his throat as he makes his entrance from the door in the back of the room. Today, he’s wearing lederhosen, these German pant things. Every day it’s something, lederhosen or a Valkyrie outfit like opera Viking ladies. Once, he dressed up as Shakespeare, another time he was Big Bird from Sesame Street, all huge and yellow. Today, he looks like he belongs on the side of a box of cookies.
He throws his arms up in the air and yells, “Tah-dah!”
White tights do not look good on skinny man calves, especially skinny man, German teacher calves.
We all fake clap as he makes his way to the front of the room. He bows. He twirls.
“Hey, why do you dress up every day?” Crash shifts his weight in his seat, folds his legs up beneath him so he’s taller. He looks for support from us. We nod, because, let’s face it, we’re all wondering.
Herr Reitz shrugs, smiles. “I used to do opera in Germany.”
“That explains it all.” Crash slumps back in his seat. “But now you’re stuck here.”
For a second Herr Reitz loses his smile, but he gets it back and says, “I’d hardly say I’m stuck.”
“We’re all stuck, dude,” Crash moans.
Which is far too true. We’re all stuck, stuck in a million ways, stuck with each other, stuck in Eastbrook, Maine, tiniest city in the universe, stuck with waiting for senior year to end, stuck like the duct tape on Tom’s wrist. What could be worse? So, even though I’m stuck at this stupid desk, I make my move and get it over with.
“I think we should do it.” I cringe the moment I’ve whispered it. Why did I say it in German class? There is something so wrong with me.
Tom cocks his head to the side. “What?”
Even his whisper is sexy.
I regroup.
“Today’s the day my mom and I go to my dad’s grave,” I tell Tom and turn around quickly before I see the pity in his eyes.
“Belle!” Herr Reitz says. “Today we are going to learn how to say who we are.”
Bob, my ex-boyfriend’s new boyfriend, snorts.
“We did that in German 1,” Crash moans.
“Can’t we learn how to say, ‘Will you come back to my hotel with me?’ or something useful?”
Herr Reitz pulls his hand to his chest in an overdramatic I-once-did-opera pose and pretends to be shocked. “Crash? Are you telling me that knowing who you are isn’t useful?”
Tom crosses his arms over his chest and smiles.
Crash just looks horrified.
“Dude, I know who I am.”
For a second I hate Crash, who has a father, who has never had a significant other turn out to be gay, who has an identity. Then I stop, because, well, it’s not nice to hate. That’s what they always teach you in Sunday School when you’re little, or else in an old John Lennon song: Love your neighbor. No jealousy. Do not hate. Blah. Blah. Blah.
After German, Tom takes off for baseball practice. When I get to my locker, I spot Em, my best friend. She’s dancing through the hallway. Her little butt moves in some sort of swishing pattern that reminds me of Spanish dancers. She swings her hips around right by the lockers, smiling, grabbing her notebook for law class, our first class of the day on Mondays.
Em’s a happy person, even with the whole dead dad thing. She’s the kind of person who smiles and jumps up and down at the thought of really good ice cream. She’ll open her happy-duck mouth with the thin, long lips and quack, pretty much, but she doesn’t usually dance in the halls at school.
I just stand there for a second and smile at her. Even though Tom’s smell, tree bark, man musk, still lingers in my nose. It’s Friday. It’s almost the weekend. It’s May. Tom’s not mad at me. I will not be a born-again virgin much longer. All is good.
Em swirls around and shuts her locker, then does this shimmy step towards me.
I laugh. “What are you doing?”
She grabs one of my hands, swirls me around.
Andrew walks by and says, “Yummy. Girl show.”
I glare at him. He chuckles. It’s not quite a laugh and then he walks away.
Some little freshman boy, whose name I can’t remember, but whose mom works at the bank gives us a thumbs-up sign. Em just keeps dancing through it all, pulling me into it, whirling to some imaginary beat. My gig bag bangs against my back as she swirls me around again. For a second, I almost think I should reach in, haul out Gabriel, my guitar, and start in with a flamenco beat, give Em some real music to dance to, other than the stuff that’s just in her head, but I don’t because we have to leave.
“What are you doing?” I ask again, laughing.
“Celebrating.” Em’s hands go to her waist. She starts into some weird pseudo-funky Russian dance, all high knees and craziness.
“Celebrating what?” I ask, taking a step back.
“May. Senior year. Spring?” she says and twirls around again.
I stare at her, adjust my gig bag higher on my shoulder. “Spring.”
Just that second Mr. Duffy, an English teacher, pokes his head out of his classroom and says, “You girls have senioritis.”
Em rushes over to him, reaches out her hands. “Celebrate with us, Mr. Duffy. It’s Spring. Come dance.”
He shakes his head, but there’s a glint in his eye. “You seniors get crazier every year. You’re just aching to ditch this place and go start life. I know. I know how it is. ”
He shuts the door, slowly. It clicks.
Em grabs my hand. “He really wants to dance with us. Really. You know he does. He just pretends to be Mean Teacher Man but underneath those khakis is a ballet leotard and the overdeveloped thighs of a dancer.”
I laugh. “I do not want to imagine that.”
She pulls me down the hall, no longer dancing and orders me, “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
Em and I have been friends since the beginning of high school. She’s nuts and smart and I love her.
When my ex-boyfriend, Dylan, told me he was gay, Em was right there.
She started dating Shawn right around the time I started dating Tom, last fall, right after the Dylan announcement.
She puts up with me carrying Gabriel everywhere. I put up with her always taking pictures of everything and smelling like ice cream. She works at Dairy Joy. It’s like the Joy of Dairy, or milk products and high cholesterol. It’s the Unjoy of the lactose intolerant. It’s ridiculous.
I think that’s the funniest name for an ice cream place.
She puts up with that too.
After the random hall dancing, we head out to her little red car.
“So, how’s The Problem?” she asks again. The wind twists her supermodel hair all around her face and she grabs it, bunching it in one hand as she unlocks the car. I stash my backpack and Gabriel in the back.
“Do we have to talk about The Problem? We’re always talking about The Problem.”
“That’s why it’s THE Problem.”
“It’s proper noun important, huh?”
“Yep.”
We slam into the car, smash the doors closed against the wind and try to get the hair out of Em’s face.
“Did you see Tom’s duct tape message today?” I rub my eyes with my hands.
“Nope.”
“It was, ‘Don’t stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.’”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I have no idea.”
Em pulls out of the parking spot. The baseball team starts straggling out of the school and jogging towards the field for practice.
“There he is,” she points and lets go of the steering wheel.
He’s jogging. He’s in shorts. He has the best legs, soccer legs, thick with muscle. He plays soccer, too. He does everything, except the one thing that I want him to do, which figures.
“You’re panting,” Em says.
“Shut up.”
“You’re having an eye orgasm.”
“Shut up!” I cover them, then peek out.
“Don’t hit me. I’m driving. You’ll make us crash.” She smiles at me and honks the horn. “There’s Shawn.”
Shawn waves his giant arm at us. Em and Shawn do not have the problem Tom and I have. The sex problem.
“It’ll happen. You know he loves you,” she tells me, all sweet and mothering. “Someday, you’ll bonk each other into oblivion.”
“Bonk?”
“You want me to say the f-word? I’ll say it. I just thought it was crude.”
“Bonk’s not crude?”
She opens her mouth.
“Do not say the f-word!” I yell before she can. “It is not appropriate here. There is no right word here.”
“Okay. Fine. Someday you’ll copulate each other into oblivion.”
I punch her in her tiny arm, again. She shrieks and the car swerves towards the gutter thing on the side. She pulls it back into place. The wind kicks up dust that seems to swirl towards us, around us, embracing us. Dust.
“Today’s my dad’s death day,” I tell her, back-kicking an old Dunkin’ Donuts bag under the seat.
She nods. Her face quiets. Her eyes don’t go pity-pity the way Tom’s would, but they go pity–I know. She lost her dad too, but to cancer, not to war. “You want me to drop you off at the cemetery?”
“That’s not how I do it.”
“It’s going to pour.”
I check out the sky. Dark cloud after dark cloud presses down towards us like it’s setting the scene for some ancient tragedy, some overdone play. “I know.”
For the next minute I riff on how my stress levels are ultra high because of The Problem, plus the talent show Monday, and Em says, “You always worry about nothing.”
I rub my tingling palm. “No, I don’t.”
She laughs and hauls a left onto the Surry Road at a good forty over the speed limit of twenty-five and says, “Yes, you do. And you a
re easily the most talented person in our high school. You are a shoo-in to win.”
“What about Dylan?”
“Dylan is gay and has lost most of his fan base.”
“That’s horrible!” I roll my window down all the way so I can smell spring in Maine, ground warming, cars moving, wood chips. From two miles away, a wind blows the salt smell of the ocean.
“It’s true,” she sighs. “People won’t vote for him as much this year. You might beat him this year.”
I’ve never beaten Dylan, ever.
It’s a demographics issue, basically. Underclassmen who are girls always vote for him after they’re all done squealing his name, and there are way more underclass girls than guys in the talent show audience. Back before he came out, everyone voted for him because he was so good. Sure, I always had the crunchies, the morbids, and the girl jocks because girl jocks band together and support each other. Now, none of the guys will cheer for him. Except for the theater guys and some of the music guys, but only the ones who aren’t afraid that people will call them gay.
Most guys don’t go to talent shows anyway, except as favors to their girlfriends or to throw things at the stage and chant stuff like “homo” or “see your tits” or something.
Dylan also lost a lot of his female fan base because they are now all sympathetic to me, because, let’s face it, it sucks when your gorgeous, perfect boyfriend is gay. So, I’ve got a lot of the pity vote. My head spins just thinking about it.
Thick dust covers Em’s dashboard. I scrape my index finger through it and write the word HELP.
“I don’t know why I do these things,” I say. “I don’t like the whole competition aspect, like by winning you’re making other people lose, or that we place some hierarchical value on art and music.”
“Shut up. You do it because you’re good and you need an audience.” Em presses down on the accelerator and we speed by Friend and Friend, where people are cruising around the parking lot checking out the ATVs. “Do you know dust is mostly sloughed-off human skin?”
“That’s disgusting.”
“Yep.”