MY BEST FRIEND'S BUCKET LIST
Volume 1.
a novella
by
Shane Grey
Copyright 2015 Shane Grey
This novella is dedicated to Brenda Bryan, if not for her existence, none of this would exist.
CHAPTER 1
ME AND DICK MEET LORRIE LOVITT
(Six months before his death)
It was 2:46am and I was very close to giving up on finding the perfect porn clip to gratify myself to. I had work the next day at 3pm but sleep was the last thing on my mind. I had gone to Xhamster.com, Hardsextube.com, even dusted off Pornhub.com one of the first tube sites I had ever encountered.
I shut the lap top, rubbed my eyes, grabbed the car keys. A drive would ease the mind. Nothing ever went wrong while going for a little drive, I thought. The night was slightly cool despite the triple digit heat we had been having. It was 3am, exactly.
I pulled out onto the main street and headed south, windows down, cool air on my face, through my hair. The local college station played some classical guitar concerto. The guitar peaceful and surreal. The idea that I had to return to work that day vanished. Dealing with the hard headed, sometimes violent customers, vanished. I was one with the world around me, the Universe even.
Once again, I had the thought, the same as always on nights like these.
Just keep driving. Don't stop until you're sleepy Then stop at a cheap motel and sleep. Only to arise again, continue down the road headed, Nowhere. That's where I want to be, Nowhere.
My train of thought came to a crashing halt with the shriek of a woman. I opened my eyes in time to avoid hitting a homeless lady pushing an empty shopping cart. I hollered my apology out the window of the moving vehicle, hoping she could hear me.
Looking back I don't think the car was that close to hitting her. I imagine the blaring of some classical guitar concerto, screaming out of a speeding '79 Mercury Zephyr at 3 in the morning, probably spooked her as she to walked a crosswalk illegally.
The fantasy of kissing this city goodbye and French kissing my current life behind evaporated back into the apathy that was the current life I was leading. The sodium lights that lit up the overpass of the train tracks made everything look like bad tint on an old television. I breathed in the city air and realized if I had a pistol and a suit, I would be living in some Noir Film. The setting would be that I'm a private detective.
I'm a private detective, investigating the murder of a prostitute. I was hired by her twin sister who was the original target. I pass shitty hole in the wall bars, streetwalkers give the old evil eye. I think, it's been a long time since a belt of scotch, on the rocks of course. Because I'm fat paid, the best in the business. Just me, the cool city streets, and my case of the murdered twin prostitute.
That fantasy was slapped away by the vibrations of my Blackberry. I sped up to avoid a camera ticket on a yellow light, I made it, barely. Like we all do, I'm sure. Reaching deep into my jean pocket, I pulled out the phone. It was an Incoming Phone Call From, Dick. Though the screen read, Auntie Fucker.
“Yeh.” I said into the phone.
“Hey, where you at?” Dick said.
“This ain't some ghetto phone commercial. What do you want?” I said.
“Are you as bored as I am?”
“You know I am.” I replied.
“How fast can you get to downtown Chino?” Dick said.
“Kinda just down the street from there. Where you at?”
“This ain't a shitty cell phone commercial. I'm at the 24 hour McDonald's. Across the street from-”
“I know where it is. See ya in five.” I said.
One thing you should know about me, I love fast food. I could eat it everyday and more so. Though I went to the gym 4 nights a week, it didn't matter. My diet consisted of: Water(H20), Mountain Dew Pitch Black(the best soda ever), Fast food(McDonald's, In-n-out, Tommy's Original Chili Burgers, Del Taco and Taco Bell). I had muscle, but still had body fat. But I was not gross looking. Women and girls called me handsome frequently. It's hard to describe so I will just say, Kevin James meets Johnny Cash, with less belly than Kevin James. Google the names if you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Now, Dick, looked like a ridiculously tall, Paul Walker. Google him of you don't know what I mean. Women loved a really tall Paul Walker versus a stocky Johnny Cash.
The sad part was I had had more sexual partners in my life versus Dick's 15 sexual partners. All of his were fat, because he loved that. Dick loved large women. I preferred mine, petite and sweet.
The irony of it always killed me. A tall skinny guy loving large women. A stocky, chubby guy loving small petite women. But we never fought over girls. We had our preferences and even though most of the women I fell for relationship-wise always tried to be with Dick, he refused, and the fatties that tried to hit me up, I turned them over to Dick. It worked, somehow it worked until that night.
I pulled into a random parking space of the McDonald's. Dick sat on a grassy area, leaning against a large palm tree, California rocks.
Turning the car off, which was always a risk, I got out and headed toward him. His head was down and he seemed in very bad spirits.
“Hey, what's up, man?” I said and attempted to sit down next to him, Indian style. I fell on my ass, legs slightly crossed, ready to listen. “You awright?”
“Nah. I guess not.” Dick replied, seemingly devastated. His gaze straight ahead.
“What happened?” I asked as gentle as could be mustered.
“Where were you right now when I called you?” He asked, darkly.
“Driving, man.”
“Driving where?” Dick said. For some reason his tone gave me chills.
“Honestly, dude, Nowhere.” I said.
“Yeah. Where might that be?” He said, a hostility in his voice. My temper reacted.
“I was just driving, hoping, like an idiot, to drive off to Nowhere.” Now I was hopeless. I wanted to cry as I looked up. The sodium lamps in the parking lot didn't unleash the same power as the ones on the overpass. Dick looked at me, pure sadness behind his eyes.
“I'm down if you are.” He said.
“Huh?” I said.
“I'm sick of it, TUCK! Sick of the rejection! Let's just fuckin' go. I wanna go!” Dick's eyes were red and he seemed to be on the verge of hyperventilation.
“Take deep, controlled, breathes.” He complied. Calming finally. I said calmly, “What happened?”
“I was set to meet a girl here. She was dynamite. Big thighs, ass, belly. We had been talking for a month. A car pulled up, it was the car she told me she would be in. I saw the car and got out of my car.” Dick paused here to reminisce. “The driver, I'm sure was her, took one look at me, shook her head embarrassed and fled.”
I thought about it, “Why would she flee in embarrassment?”
“Because, I told her, I looked like you. Stocky and big.”
“I told you a thousand times to be honest. Big girls appreciate that.”
“I know but I'm scared of rejection. Big chicks, most of them anyway, don't want to be with me.” Dick said. He was right. It was hard for a big girl to be comfortable with someone who was fit and in shape. The truth was if Dick and I had ever engaged in fisticuffs or some struggle, he would perish. That didn't matter to most women, they wanted what looked good.
They were as bad as men.
But chubby girls were real and down to earth. Also most of them harbored insecurities and being with someone in shape was hard for them.
I loaded a heart broken Dick into my car. My own lack of a love life was becoming a weight on my shoulders as well. I could
relate to the situation.
I drove north on the main street. My head full of the fantasy to driving far off, driving to Nowhere. I think we both had enough money to make it work for a week. Then we could get jobs at whatever place we ran out of cash in.
“DUDE! WATCH OUT!” Broke my concentration, yelled by Dick, I slammed the breaks to a halt. We were stopped in front of a Sloppy Deb's Food and Gas.
“Why the fuck did I just come to a screeching halt?”
“Because I need things. Jerky, drinks, candy. It was just a long way until next stop.”
“Whatever, dude.” I pulled into the parking lot of Sloppy Deb's. Right there under the fluorescent lighting was the most stunning girl I had ever seen. Not Scarlett Johansson stunning nor Kate Middleton stunning. But like some Anime character that had escaped from animation into the real world(not the MTV variety either, real reality). She was mighty slender, one would not think she was fit as a fiddle, but just plain slim. Her eyes were of glowing chestnuts. Her skin of the smoothest milk. She had to be some part of the Asian variety. But it was very faint in her looks. She had long toast brown hair.
I didn't lose my stare at her until Dick's shouts were loud enough and the crashing sound of my car going into a newspaper dispenser at thirty miles per hour shook me. My forehead smacked in the steering wheel on impact. I slammed the brakes, threw the car into park, everything was hazy.
The Zephyr was fine, so was Dick, his head and neck were fine. The newspaper dispenser had met its match. The chestnut eyed angel sprinted to the drivers side.
“Oh my god, are you OK?” She said. I was hazily locked in her gaze, her eyes burning me deeply like a thousand suns, light tears formed behind my eyes.
“We're good, ma'am.” Dick said. “This car is pure American steel.”
Her eyes left mine to travel toward the eyes of the voice in the car. She locked eyes with Dick, while my eyes were still locked on to hers, I felt my heart explode. The look in her eyes crushed me like the smallest insect in a stomping contest.
“Oh, hi,” The angel blushed a deep crimson, her eyes still on Dick's. “I didn't see you sitting there. I thought there was only one guy...” Her sentence trailed off. She fluffed her hair nervously and smiled a smile that I swore would've killed me if my heart hadn't already been broken so many times.
I wanted to vomit. My fucking head was killing me. I forced my eyes away from hers, as hard as it was, forcing myself to look at the busted up dispenser. Suddenly I was a third wheel.
“Hey, back away from the car, I need to back up off the sidewalk.” I said acidly at the angel. More hostility than I meant.
“Don't be rude.” Dick said.
“Fuck you.” Was my reply to him. “Sloppy Deb is probably calling the fucking cops as we speak.”
“No she isn't.” Said chestnut eyes.
“How do you know?” Inquired Dick.
“'Cause she's my mom, she hates the cops.”
“Well how do you like that?” I said as sarcastic and irritatingly as I could. Popped the Zephyr into reverse, drove off the sidewalk, slammed it in park, pushed aside the sinking feeling in my stomach, got out and fought hard not to make eye contact with the chestnut angel.
Inside the store I apologized to Sloppy Deb. Chestnut introduced herself to us.
“I'm Lorrie Lovitt.” She said. My heart hammered at her awesome name.
“Dick Pickett.” Said Dick and they shook hands. Now it was my turn.
“Lorrie Lovitt, it's nice to meet you, Tuck Sawyer.” I said charmingly, trying to convince her I wasn't a total cock.
“It's nice to meet you both.” Lorrie said, her eyes piercing me, they made me ill in a good way. “Excuse me, but I have to get back to trying to change the flat on our car.”
“OK.” Dick said, but there was something behind his eyes, he bee-lined it to the beef jerky. I rushed after him.
“Dude, that chick is fucking hot.” I said.
“Yeah, she is.” Dick said, his eyes on dried meat, “She's totally into me.”
I felt even more sick now and threatened even.
“Yeah, what makes you think that?” I asked.
“It's obvious, man.” And it really was. It still made me furious.
“Yeah, well she's too skinny for you.”
“I know.” He said, still not looking up.
“So, I'm going to go help her change that tire. Then she will see that I'm the man for her.”
“You sure your head is OK?” Dick finally looked up at me. “You have a pretty big shiner on your forehead. You'll definitely look like the elephant man tomorrow.” He turned back to the jerky. He was in full snack mode. The guy could pack away junk food like a depraved teenager, he never gained a pound.
“I'm fine, Dick.” I said, feeling irritable as ever.
“Where the hell did the hostility come from?” It was still kinda funny to me that after all these years he could tell when I was saying his name or actually calling him a penis.
“I'm good. You're just being paranoid.” I played it off.
“OK.” Dick said nonchalantly. He was trying to smell the jerky through its plastic confines.
Outside I found Lorrie staring at a jack and the flat tire. She looked perplexed as all hell.
“Hey, I figured you could use a hand, you know, to help.” My sentences were off, being around her alone made me scared, like a fucking kitten.
“Sure, eh, you know how to-”
“Oh, yeah, I done it many times.” I said obviously nervous. She smiled and it made everything fine. I changed the tire, she watched, impressed. It didn't take long. When I was done I put the jack back in her trunk. She smiled big and googly eyed at me. My soul melted. I could live off of her smile.
“Hey. What'd I miss?” Came the voice of Dick. He was chomping on jerky, still looking handsome as fuck, chewing with a Academy Award Winning grin.
“I just changed her tire.” I said proudly. But when I looked at Lorrie her stare was burnt on Dick's body and his grin.
“Good job, man.” He said to me.
“I'm sure you could've have done it too.” Lorrie said, blushing again.
“Not likely, he doesn't have the upper body strength.” I added.
“It's true.” Dick confirmed, sucking down a bottle of Mountain Dew, before tearing open a large bag of Peanut M&M's.
“You look like you could handle any task.” Lorrie said. I was getting fed up.
“You think your mom will let me wash up.” I asked Lorrie.
“Huh?” She looked at me, her concentration broken. “Yeah sure, Chuck.”
“It's Tuck.” She didn't hear me. She was engaged in conversation with Dick. I looked at the two, they seemed made for each other. It wasn't fair. I sighed loudly, looked at an imaginary watch. They didn't take the bait.
I went in the store, explained why the wash up was necessary, Sloppy Deb was nice about it. She showed me to the restroom. Inside the small one seater, I stared at the mirror.
My shoulders were bulky, my biceps mighty, triceps protruding. Even my chest was coming in nicely. It just didn't make sense. Then I saw the reflection of my forehead, it looked like shit. Like I had gone twelve rounds with Rocky.
I wanted to be at home on my bed(on Dick's couch)listening to The Cure or Death Cab. I wanted 13 beers. The urge to shake Lorrie Lovitt out of her lust was pulsating in every muscle. I shook my head, washed up.
Outside. Lorrie leaned on her car, Dick had his mouth on hers. They were in full embrace, tongues deep in each others mouths. I didn't want them to notice me as I crept to the side of the building to puke my fucking guts out. It was a success. But it did little to rest the dark cloud that had formed in my soul.
I guess they heard me. Dick was at my side when I finished. Lorrie stood next to him.
“Dude, you alright?” He asked.
“Yeh. I just gotta get outta here, get home and rest.” I said. Staggering slightly as I stood straight.
“Oh my g
od, do you, like, want some Pepto or Seven-up? My mom won't charge you.” Lorrie said, sympathy in her soft voice. I ignored the offer.
I stumbled to the Zephyr, realizing I suddenly felt really dizzy, the world went black before I could get to the drivers side door. The last thing I remembered, hitting the asphalt cheek first, it didn't hurt. I welcomed the cold hard pavement.
“TUCK!” I heard Dick shout.
“OH MY GOD!” Shouted Lorrie, “MOM, call the ambulance!”
Then everything was silent as I fell into darkness.