the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Not a girl from my dreams- a place far more magical and less real than any dream I’ve ever had. And not beautiful in the empty physical sense, I mean she was physically the most beautiful, but she was beautiful from a soul sense, if that makes sense. She was crossing the road, how on earth did she make that look so beautiful? Crossing the road in east London wasn’t a thing of beauty and wonder, it was a fast walk into a road looking at the oncoming car wondering if you knew the driver, and more importantly, if he knew you and if he wanted to hurt you, it was a walking calculation: is that car speeding up? Do I need to break into a little jog hop to get across? Is there some kind of shit I don’t want to step in on the road? But she made it look like she was crossing a river of stars in heaven.
It wasn’t sunny, but the sun caught her eyes and let the shimmering liquid gold swirl. It was windy- its always windy in London- but she seemed to calm and soothe the wind, it picked up her hair and extended it to its full length, revealing her pierced ears and amazing neck. Amazing neck- I have never called a neck amazing, but that’s what she did to me, before I knew it, necks had the possibility of being amazing. She walked with this kind of air, like a princess of a different dimension, gracing us with her presence, but not in a pompous way- she walked, or should I say floated, with care. I knew in this very moment, the moment of a girl crossing the road, I was well and truly fucked. See I was in love with this road-crossing girl. I say I was in love because we haven’t got a superlative for love in English yet; yeah I was next level in love with her. Let me tell you something, when you don’t have a history of hallucinations, it’s a real crazy sign when you see a totally random girl crossing the road in a white dress. When you see the white of her shirt (that she is actually wearing) grow and melt and flow past her black blazer, all around her until she’s consumed in this elegant white lacey number with a veil pulled back over her glorious slightly curling hair. You’re fucked.
I’ll probably never see her again either. I mean she’s clearly in my college, that’s why we’re lining up by this gate, to get into college and learn shit, but there’s loads of us, she wont be in any of my classes and she wont like me and I wont be a cool kid and she will most definitely be a cool kid and I’m in love with her because I cant have her, it’s the universe saying ‘hey look get your shit together and maybe, just maybe one day, you can have a girl half of what she is’. I wanted to know her name; she looked like she had a pretty name- the kind of name I would say in my sleep; the kind of name that would make my heart skip a beat. It was the first day of college and I was fucked this hard, why god why? I mean thank you for creating such a divine creature, don’t get me wrong- I bet she’s funny, that would just kill me if she’s funny and has this cute little giggle or crazy laugh. Oh man, imagine her smile. I wonder what’s her favourite book. Hey maybe I’ll get tickets to a gig and pull a teenage dirtbag- ‘come with me Friday don’t say maybe’.
I have no hope whatsoever. I mean I’m a cool and funny person once you get to know me, or rather when I get to know you, so my anxiety subsides and allows me to be a normal human being. I’m so fucking awkward around new people. Maybe I’ve seen her before, maybe we were friends as babies or some shit, and she’ll be like ‘hey Rishi, long time, wow you look so handsome and grown up, you know the last time I saw you, you were 12 months old, you probably don’t even remember me, come here let me hug you!’ Why isn’t life that easy! Why can’t you be with the person you love as a little innocent kid? I wish I could have done everything with her. I wish I had the memory of her face when she first had ice cream or something.
Okay wait maybe I’m not in love, I mean how could I possibly be in love with someone I literally just saw…oh…yeah…right…‘love at first sight’ is a pretty ancient saying isn’t it. But I mean I don’t even know her name, or the way her voice sounds, or what subjects she’s taking, or how strong she is, or if she’s vegetarian. I don’t know, nothing maters, I think I could handle anything if it meant I could hold her hand. Maybe we’ll have one class together and we’ll go on a trip and the teacher will make us hold hands so no one gets lost, they made us do it when we were kids, like six or something, sixteen is not too far away from hand-holding-so-we-don’t-get-lost age is it?
Oh man. Her eyes are so incredible. Maybe she’ll be in my art class and I could paint her for a project. I would spend months trying to perfect those eyes. Once I get passed the stage of getting lost in them I mean. Imagine looking into her eyes as she says ‘I love you’. I think I would feel like a king right then and there. I don’t do drugs but I bet it would feel like the biggest hit of the bestest drug ever. Or like being champagne drunk on a sunny day in fancy clothes. I would definitely get addicted to her ‘I love you’s, even if I just heard one. I wonder if she could say I love you in any other languages. Maybe she could teach me one day, and I could say it to her badly, but with real meaning.
I want to play with her hair. Imagine if she was my girlfriend already. We would just be chilling here, I would have my hand around her, playing with her hair, unlike now- I have no fucking clue what to do with my hands- why are they so awkward?! Girlfriend, ha! I’ve never even kissed a girl, why on earth would she want me. What do I have to offer? Movie knowledge, food knowledge, music knowledge…okay so at least I know I could go on a game show with my fucking wide knowledge set, fuck sake. What would make me a good boyfriend? Well I sure as hell would cherish her, I would probably be amazed that she was my girlfriend my whole life, like we could be getting married and I would be like ‘chipmunk (I would call her that see, on account of her incredible cheeks. They not ridiculously big or anything, they are just so cute) dearest, are you SURE you want to marry me?’ I’m a hopeless romantic I know that for sure- do girls like that though? I would spend my last penny on her, which I have a considerable amount seeing as I have a lack of friends and such, to spend such pennies on. I would be a generous lover, is that the phrase, I can’t remember, but I would most definitely do whatever I had to, to give her the pleasure she deserved. It’s not about my pleasure, seeing her happy would be enough for me. I should probably work out. I spent the whole summer working out and nothing. I hope I get a muscle spurt soon.
Maybe she’s a nerd! I would be so in! How awesome would that be?! I mean we should not discriminate- beautiful princess looking girls with magical eyes can be nerds too. Maybe she’s an anime nerd- how amazing would that be! ‘Oh you like Dragonball Z…yeah I have the episodes where he transforms into a Super Saiyan for the first time at home…yeah, I live like 10 minutes away no big deal…oh you want to come over after class and watch, suuuure, I’ll order a pizza or something’. Oh God- a girl in my room! I should probably clean. How awesome would that be though argh! She could be my Chichi and I could be her Goku! (Well I could try to be. I would definitely try my best to save the world if she asked me to).
She could most certainly be a book nerd. She’s a girl from a John Green Novel. All lovely and alluring and mysterious and sarcastic and funny and a totally stranger who I’ve never met, but I mean she did look like all those things, didn’t she? I could let her borrow my copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and she could add her own awesome annotations. Or Just The Hunger Games- then maybe we could go see the movie when it comes out. Sitting with her in the dark. Wow. Sitting with her in general. Wow! Maybe we could write each love letters or just poems…I bet she has beautiful handwriting. The kind of handwriting you see on Tumblr posts.
What if she loves dinosaurs! We could spend the weekend in libraries researching dinosaurs and then have fights over which ones are more awesome, and end up kissing cause dinosaurs! We could have a Jurassic Park marathon, with popcorn and snacks and she’ll jump and hold my arm at the scary bits and squeeze my n
on-existent muscles. I would like that. I would love to watch any movie with her. I would do what I normally do and pretend I was part of the movie, just another character of that world, but I would pretend she was there with me. I would like that. I would like that forever I think. We could spend weekends in the cinema and we would share popcorn and have a coke with two straws. I would pretend we were both in that different reality together. I would try my best not to cry in front of her- maybe we’ll stay away from the sad films just in case. I want her to think I’m cool for as long as possible.
Maybe she lives close by! How awesome would it be to walk her home hand in hand talking about how much college sucks and how much we’re looking forward to the weekend or that music festival in summer or just random shit like that? Man I would love to have someone to walk home with. Everyone has always seemed to be going the other way to me. Maybe we can go the other way together, wearing matching shoes with our matching bags swaying on our backs from the weight of education. I hope she likes holding hands- to be honest, that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. I mean other things with girls are great and I welcome them with open arms, (okay, not entirely open. I’m nervous about that stuff) but to not feel alone when walking, to just feel like someone wants me so much that they cant be without my touch. Yeah that seems really nice.
Maybe she has a crush on me! I mean some weird fetish for incredibly mixed race boys with geeky glasses and awkward personas. Maybe she’s the girl I’ve been praying for- thank you big G, I love you! This is The One huh? I will never give up on her. She has ignited a passionate fire of passion in me, and apparently my Shakespearian lover side, Goddamn I need some new romantic analogies, seriously! Unless she digs cheesy shit, then I am sooo in its unbelievable.
I want to know what her favourite flower is so one day (when I have money) I can send her a different bouquet of them everyday for a week leading up to her birthday, or send them when she’s sad or nervous or do people even send flowers still? I think I might be an old fashioned lover. I would make her the greatest mixtape this world has ever known! Playlists just aren’t the same and I mean, does anyone listen to CDs anymore (besides me)? At very least, I would plant her favourite flowers in our garden, so we can watch them grow and I can watch her smile.
A practice girlfriend that’s what I need- build up my confidence while taking meticulous notes- then I could be perfect for her, the road-crossing beauty that is my heart. Practice girlfriend? Oh god she’s messed up my logic already! Never has a girl looked twice at me and yet I think I can get a girl to practice on! And then get Her! Okay, I’m so delusional, it’s funny. Oh man, I’m probably gonna dream about her forever now.
God I hope I don’t wet myself in front of her. I mean I hope I don’t wet myself at all in college but in front of her that would just be a downright travesty. How about no embarrassing moments? Yeah that works.
I just want to treat her like the princess that she is. Don’t say that again, not even in your head, oh god where do I pick up cool lines to say to girls- there must be a book- but then if there is, guys would have already read it and spewed out the lines, so I would just sound cliché- maybe this embarrassing lame shit will come to be an advantage. Yes, I am definitely dreaming.
She’s the kind of girl I would die for. Or at least die trying to get her to smile at me. I wonder if all artists feel this way about someone. Is this the feeling that made art? Is she the reason we have art? All I know is from that moment of her crossing the road; she became my muse, and all that jazzy stuff man. She’s walking poetry. A breathing painting. A solid song. Art personified and embodied in a perfect body.
Okay so the game plan goes something like:
Don’t be embarrassing
Try to be cool
Practice girlfriend? (Morally, this doesn’t seem sound)
Actually speak to her (OMG deep voice please don’t break on me (also did you just say OMG, we are going to need to talk about that at some point))
Sort out hair- facial and otherwise
Successfully be mysterious- not scary like you always seem to be
Make her fall in love with me and get married and ride unicorns on rainbows forever WOOO! (Really? ‘Wooo’?)
Don’t be weird! Please don’t be weird…I’m sorry Alistair but I cannot mention you- having a pet unicorn isn’t cool yet, the world is not ready.
That’s that. She has changed my life. I know now that she’s in this world; and what love is. Damn, in the immortal words of Louis Armstrong, ‘What a Wonderful World’. What. A Wonderful. Fucking. World. (We really need to talk about your swearing!)
“Hey man” my new friend standing in line with me nudged my shoulder “we’re finally going in now. You ready?”
“Never”