No Touching
By
Justin Blasdel
Justin Blasdel
8/26/2009
UA Theatre Version 6
[email protected] Characters
Robert Griggs; Late 30’s, Impressionistic Painter
Liza Healy; 20’s, Experienced Prostitute
Jake Neff; 20’s, Stud
Place
Robert’s Apartment (Wilshire, Los Angeles, CA)
Time
Winter, Present
ACT I, SCENE I
An apartment; a small artist’s studio. On the walls are many contemporary impressionistic portraits. There are oil paint tubes neatly organized next to an easel and a few blank canvases size 36 x 24. A sink, small oven, refrigerator, coffee pot, and cupboard are packed together in the other corner, and a sofa rests against the wall. There is one main entrance and another door that connects to a bathroom and a bedroom.
ROBERT opens the front door and watches as LIZA follows. ROBERT is a frail man and is careful not to let people touch HIM.
LIZA is a seasoned craftswoman in the art of sex. HER face has aged to a perfect mixture of demure and lustful, exchanging one over the other depending on the customer.
ROBERT stays silent, watching LIZA intently.
LIZA
This your home? Cozy. You a painter or something?
Beat.
LIZA (CONT.)
No bed? Okay, on the sofa. So…what you wanting? Lying on my back…on all fours… or something special?
Beat.
LIZA (CONT.)
Come on baby, don’t be shy. I bet you’re in need of a good spanking.
LIZA lightly swats ROBERT on the butt. ROBERT jumps away.
Yeah, you like that? Get you hard? Want me to do it again?
ROBERT
No!
LIZA (CONT.)
Your first time? Not a big deal. I’ve helped so many boys become men, I’ve lost count. Come on, tell me what you want.
LIZA messes with ROBERT’s painting materials.
LIZA (CONT.)
You could paint me naked if you want.
ROBERT stops her immediately.
ROBERT
I…I…I want to…talk?
LIZA
Talk?
ROBERT
Yes.
LIZA
Dirty talk? You want me to say how huge your--
ROBERT
--No! No. I want to talk normally.
LIZA
You want to talk? Honey, there are people out there who don’t charge to talk.
ROBERT
I want to talk with you.
LIZA
Okay, say what you want. I’ll eat up every word that spills out your mouth.
ROBERT
Thank you.
LIZA
So what’s on your mind?
Beat.
ROBERT
You say something.
LIZA
What do you want to hear, big boy?
ROBERT
What’s your day like?
LIZA
First, I wake up completely naked, rubbing myself all over, head to toe. Then I take a nice, long bath with water so hot, it’d melt you to the bone.
ROBERT
And then what?
LIZA grabs a sponge and uses it like a washrag.
LIZA
I get the soap and get covered in bubbles, putting them in every curve I have, feeling them all over.
ROBERT
What kind of soap?
LIZA
It’s…the soap? You want to know what soap I use?
ROBERT
Yes. Is it scented?
LIZA
Scented with the smell of peaches and cream.
ROBERT
What kind of conditioner do you use?
LIZA
…the kind that gets my hair so silky smooth you’ll beg me to cover you with it.
ROBERT
How does it feel?
LIZA
Ooooh, I love the way it slips through my fingers.
ROBERT
It takes a while to wash out, doesn’t it?
LIZA
I don’t mind. Gives me more time to touch myself in the shower.
ROBERT
My conditioner’s that way too. It probably washes out faster for me than you, because you have more hair, but I can never tell when it’s gone. You know?
LIZA
…yeah…
LIZA tosses the sponge.
ROBERT (CONT.)
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.
LIZA
I don’t know if you realize, but you’re paying me lots of money to talk about washing hair.
ROBERT
I know.
LIZA
I don’t mind, but I usually work harder for my customers. If word gets around I don’t put out, I’m ruined.
ROBERT
I won’t tell anyone.
LIZA
You’re not getting it, honey. People pay me for sex.
ROBERT
I know, but I don’t want that right now.
LIZA
Then what do you want?
ROBERT
I want to talk. I like to talk.
LIZA
Then why don’t you go and find some stranger on a train?
ROBERT
I can’t do that.
LIZA
Why not?
ROBERT
I can’t.
LIZA
But you’ll pay me two hundred to know what I shower with?
ROBERT
No…not only that.
LIZA
What else? You want to know what I ate this morning?
ROBERT
Yes.
LIZA
For real?
ROBERT
I suppose. Was it cereal or a cooked meal?
LIZA
…cereal.
ROBERT
What kind?
LIZA
Chocolate something.
ROBERT
I’ve always liked chocolate. Did you know that it’s healthy for you?
LIZA
Whatever.
ROBERT
I’m serious. It helps you breathe better and cleans your blood with antioxidants.
LIZA
Really?
ROBERT
Sure! There are lots of things out there that are surprisingly healthy. I’ve even heard smoking can make your hips thin.
LIZA
Not on me, it doesn’t.
ROBERT
Quit smoking and see if you swell up or not.
ROBERT and LIZA share a laugh.
LIZA
So…you’re really going to pay me for nothing?
ROBERT
Is it a problem?
LIZA
No. If you don’t have a problem, then I don’t have one.
ROBERT
Thank you.
LIZA
You’re sure you don’t need something else?
LIZA caresses ROBERT.
LIZA (CONT.)
I can whisper in your ear about my toothbrush while we do it.
LIZA licks ROBERT’S ear. HE quickly moves away.
ROBERT
Don’t!
He squirts sanitizer from a bottle nearby and rubs it on HIS ear.
LIZA
I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?
ROBERT
No, it’s not your fault. Just don’t touch me.
Beat.
LIZA
I’m going.
ROBERT
No! Please…please stay. I didn
’t mean to offend you.
LIZA is at the door.
LIZA
Yeah, yeah. I better go. Don’t want to give you any diseases or anything.
ROBERT
I’m sorry. I have some…personal issues. I’m trying to get over them, but it takes time. Please, don’t leave.
LIZA turns around.
LIZA
Okay, I won’t go. I’ll sit in this one spot, way over here. This good?
ROBERT nods.
LIZA (CONT.)
Good.
Beat.
LIZA (CONT.)
Uhm…it was very cold today.
ROBERT
Very cold.
LIZA
You’re telling me. I have to walk the streets wearing nothing but this skimpy dress, hoping my nipples don’t poke holes through it.
LIZA shows off her shirt.
ROBERT
Really?
LIZA
Yeah, really! Men like it when I advertise the goods, but where the hell am I going to patch up two tiny holes in my dress, can you tell me that?
ROBERT
You could use some fabric glue and patch them from inside, but then you’d have to explain why you have patches over your…you know.
LIZA
I’ll tell them I’m sore from nursing babies as a side gig.
ROBERT
That’s a real job.
LIZA
What?
ROBERT
They’re called wet nurses.
LIZA
Wet nurses?
ROBERT
Women hire them, because they can’t be around their infants all the time.
LIZA
Not my momma. She did it all on her own.
ROBERT
Tell me about her.
LIZA
Why?
ROBERT
Why not?
Beat.
LIZA
Okay. She was the meanest, biggest, nastiest construction worker you ever seen in your whole life. She was more man than any man, especially you.
ROBERT
It’s not hard to do.
LIZA
I didn’t mean anything by it.
ROBERT
It’s okay. Tell me more.
END ACT I, SCENE I
ACT I, SCENE II
JAKE is stretching in the middle of the room wearing nothing but boxers. JAKE is the kind of man that gets whatever HE wants with a smile and a slap on the ass. HE’s athletic, charming, boisterous, and never lets little things like ‘reality’ ruin good fun.
JAKE
So, you get what you need from that?
ROBERT enters with washed paintbrushes and begins to put up painting materials.
ROBERT
Yes, I did. Thank you.
JAKE goes to a pile of clothes and starts dressing.
JAKE
You’re welcome. And thanks for renting out the room.
ROBERT
I apologize for its small size.
JAKE
No need to. Poor people have no right to complain.
ROBERT
You don’t have to worry about the rent. Your services are more than enough to pay for it.
JAKE
Well, thank you. So… who do you sell these paintings to? Anyone I’d have to see every day?
ROBERT
No. Most of my buyers like to keep separated from the lower class. Not that they’re any better than you, I mean that they…you might not be lower class, but they might see you-
JAKE
-woah, cool it. I know what you meant. I’m not going to see them hanging around my crowds. Is that it?
ROBERT
Yes, that’s it.
JAKE
I wouldn’t want to meet them anyway. Who pays hundreds of dollars to get a painting of a half-naked guy when pictures of it are all over the internet?
ROBERT
It’s more than paintings of nudes, Jake. There are many, many layers of symbolism that I work very hard to create. I’m not a photographer. You could never find a photo that contains as much passion and meaning as what I’ve created. You have to-
JAKE
-I get it, Robert. I was only kidding.
ROBERT
Oh.
JAKE
You need to relax. Being tense all the time isn’t healthy.
ROBERT
I might have found a way to release it.
ROBERT checks the quality of HIS brushes.
JAKE
There’s a reason to celebrate.
ROBERT
I did.
JAKE
How so?
ROBERT
I invited someone over.
JAKE
Who?
ROBERT
You don’t know her.
JAKE
A woman? Way to go! She an artist too?
ROBERT
No.
JAKE
What does she do?
ROBERT
She…is a personal escort.
JAKE
A what? That’s just another word for hooker.
ROBERT
Well, that’s right. I bought a prostitute.
Beat.
JAKE
Could you say that one more time? I don’t think I heard that right.
ROBERT
I bought-
JAKE
-you bought a hooker? You actually took my advice?
ROBERT
Yes I did. You were right. This is a good way for me to start meeting women.
JAKE
Well, way to go!
JAKE pats ROBERT on the back, who cringes away and drops a few brushes.
JAKE (CONT.)
Oh, sorry. I know you and your touching thing.
ROBERT
It’s a precautionary measure. It’s not personal.
ROBERT picks the brush back up.
JAKE
You need to ‘actually’ get sick. That’ll probably cure…oh what the hell am I saying? Tell me about the hooker!
ROBERT
She was nice.
JAKE
…and…
ROBERT
Pretty.
JAKE
…and…
ROBERT
You’ll never guess what her mother did for a living. She was-
JAKE
-did you screw her or not?
ROBERT
…No.
JAKE
You’re going to sit there and tell me you paid for sex and didn’t take it?
ROBERT
I didn’t pay her for sex.
JAKE
Did you pay her for her life story?
ROBERT
Sure. Yes, I wanted to know a little about her before I-
JAKE
-what could you possibly want to know about her?
ROBERT
She’s actually quite an interesting person, and I appreciate how she made me feel afterwards.
JAKE
How did she make you feel?
ROBERT
Like a man.
JAKE
Wow. That’s not healthy Robert. How much did you pay her?
ROBERT
Not a lot.
JAKE
How much?
ROBERT
Two hundred.
JAKE
Dollars?!
ROBERT
What else would I pay her with?
JAKE
A bus ticket back home.
ROBERT
I got what I paid for.
JAKE
This is crazy.
ROBERT
I enjoyed her company.
JAKE
There are better ways to feel like a man, Robert. Better feeling ways.
ROBERT
This way works for me.
JAKE
Look here, me a
nd the guys from the restaurant are going to sing karaoke tonight. It’s this hole near LAX. I got a tip about a bunch of Chinese women wanting to hit it off big their last night. If you clean up and come with, you might get some chop suey for dinner tonight. What you say?
Beat.
ROBERT
No.
JAKE
No? Why not?
ROBERT
I wouldn’t feel right. I don’t like taking advantage of women like that.
JAKE
No, of course not. You just pay them so that you can listen to them talk.
ROBERT
This is different. Those girls are wanting more than a good time.
JAKE
What’s the problem with that? So am I. Robert, I’m not going to let you waste another good weekend alone in your apartment. So, come with.
ROBERT
I can’t…I’m not going.
JAKE
What’s the deal here? Come screw some Asian chicks with me. It’ll be fun!
ROBERT
No.
JAKE
Oh, you’re going with me, whether you want to or not. Come on!
JAKE playfully grabs ROBERT’s arm and pulls towards the door. ROBERT panics and jerks back.