Obscuro
By Demian D. Parry
Copyright Demian D. Parry 2013
Chapter One:
Tequila with crime.
“It is sweltering in the Emerald City, as hot as a chipotle enema, so very hot that Obscuro’s huevos are chafing in his chonis like tumbleweeds rolling across the sands of Michoacan.” Obscuro muses to himself in his best film noir narrator voice as he reconsiders his choice of undergarments.
Another voice chimes in at that moment “Like two marbles bouncing down Revolucion and landing in some shrimp cocktail at Adalita’s more like!”
Obscuro looks around in confusion. “Who dares interrupt the mighty voice-over of Obscuro?!” he says aloud to the disembodied voice.
“Me!” the voice says “Pedro the psychic agave tequila worm!”
Obscuro looks in horror at the bottle of tequila on his office shelf, there’s a worm surrounded by a magical glow floating in the center of the amber liquid.
“How can this be?” Obscuro asks. “You are just a pickled agave tequila worm, you cannot be interrupting the internal voice-over of the masked matador of justice and the champion of all things better than average!”
Just then the door to Obscuro’s office opens and a beautiful woman walks in wearing a skin tight ruffle dress that displays her feminine appeal in all it’s glory. “Are you Obscuro?” she asks.
“No!” Pedro answers “He’s a radioactive mutant with the uncanny ability to attract stupido questions!”
Obscuro realizes that She cannot hear Pedro and He jumps up from his desk and highlights his championship masked wrestler/adventurer wrestling belt. “Of course I am Obscuro! Who else would you find in my office?”
“Me, Pedro the psychic agave tequila worm!” Pedro chimes in again.
“Did you hear something?” the woman asks in response to Pedro’s continued outburst, which she almost seems to hear.
“No,” Obscuro answers. “I think there are birds on the roof”.
“Well I hope they don’t have a corkscrew.” Pedro says.
“Anyway” Obscuro continues “What can I do for you?”
The woman leans over his desk and looks at Obscuro with a breathy and passionate pout. “My name is Luisa and I need your help Obscuro, I am afraid for my life!”
Obscuro is unsuccessfully attempting to not look down her dress, but he spits something out to try and sound concerned. “But of course Seniora, what can i do to ahh-tits - errrah - assist you!?”
“Obscuro” She pleads “it’s my Ex-husband, Octubre, an evil sorcerer from the jungles of Mexico, He’s a domineering madman with a taste for the black arts!”
“So?,” Obscuro says flippantly “Who does not like to listen to Marvin Gaye?” then Obscuro begins to sing, and dance slightly “When I get that feeellinngg I need sexual heealinngg”.
“Not that kind of black arts!” She yells over his singing “The kind where you summon demons and cast spells!”
“Ya,” Pedro chimes in “What are you, some kind of moron?”
“Of course I know that!” Obscuro fires back. “But you can’t deny the appeal of Marvin.” Then he starts to sing again “Oh Marvin, he was a friend of mine..”
“Please Obscuro, he wants to cut my heart out!” She thrusts her chest towards him. “My life is in grave danger! Octubre is a powerful sorcerer, and tonight He is going to steal a mystical blade from somewhere in this very city! He will try to use it to raise the ancient evil that was lost. You see, long ago the Indian deities known as Shiva and Mahash fought high over the Earth until Mahash fell from the sky with the Shiv of Shiva thru his heart and landed in the rain forest of South America. The first Mayan King found this knife and used it to build the great empire, but to use it you must shed the blood of one of Royal lineage, that is why Octubre brought me here, I am of this line and he intends to slay me and gain the invincible strength and power of the shiv. Then we shall all be in peril! He could rule the world with It’s power.”
Obscuro considers this and replies “Very-well, I will be there to stop him.”
“You must be careful Obscuro,” She comes around the desk and touches his shoulder. “Octubre is a dangerous and bloodthirsty man! He will tear you apart in an instant if you are not prepared.”
“Oh, I am always prepared,” Obscuro says while sneaking a look into his wallet, there is a condom.
“Don’t even think about it!!” Pedro yells into Obscuro’s head.”
Luisa pushes a roll of bills into his hand. “Just stop him from stealing the knife, he will be there tonight after the museum closes.”
“Just tell me which museum and all will be well.” Obscuro promises her.
“The Museum of Mankind.” She turns to leave and looks back at the door. “Please Obscuro, you must stop him.” Then she closes the door behind her.
“I thought She’d never leave!” Pedro exclaims. “Now I can tell you why I am here...”
Obscuro interrupts him. “No time for your drunken ramblings Worm, I must get to the Museum of Mankind.” Then he grabs his long black overcoat and goes out the door.
“Oh, because I’m a tequila worm that means I’m drunk?!” Pedro yells after him. “That’s racist!!”
Chapter Two:
Have a nice betray.
A hurried figure arrives outside of the Museum of Mankind, he has come unimaginably far and he looks in anticipation at the end of his quest, he is wearing a hastily assembled disguise consisting of a milkman’s coat and a letter carrier’s cap which he quickly sheds as he approaches, leaving him in the wildly decorated robes and red face paint of the ancient lost holy men of the South American jungle. Octubre makes his way past a human sized sculpture of The Evolution of Masked Luchadors, from the First Primate to don a horned skull-top from an animal, to Neanderthal Luchador with a fur skin covering his face, and a Classical Masked Wrestler, then Obscuro, standing perfectly still in a Captain Morgan pose to emulate the next progression in his mind. Obscuro breaks his statue pose and turns to look at Octubre as he passes “Surpriseness evil one!” he says when Octubre is slightly past him. Octubre barely has time to look by the time Obscuro grabs him by the bicep and hoists him onto his shoulders in the Torture Rack maneuver. “You will not be harming any woman today!!” and samoan-drops him. Octubre springs up with a quickness that gives Obscuro pause, which Octubre uses to rush and drop kick him but Obscuro sidesteps him and swats his legs upward causing Octubre to flip in the air and then he lands flat and hard. As Octubre lays on the ground in pain he looks off in the distance and sees an old Russian troupe carrier helicopter approaching.
Inside the helicopter’s passenger bay are the velvet masked Blue Varlet, Sarcastro the killer clown, Fatoichi the morbidly obese ninja and Tupac Chopra, evil Hindu rapper and leader of this comically deadly stable of criminal Luchadors. The Co-pilot comes back from the front of the copter, he looks as though he just walked out of the Sahara leading a herd of goats. “We are almost there” He says, listening to the sputtery engine for a second “We are going to - how you say? halalala MAKE IT - I think.”
Blue Varlet is huffing the gas out of an Oxygen cylinder attached to the wall and he stops and regards him with an eloquent disdain. “If I might inquire, My camel deflowering Compatriot, perchance we do not arrive at our predesignated rendezvous astride this flying rust pile, but rather plummet from our not inconsiderable height, What pray tell then?”
The Taliban only stares at him, not understanding his Oulde English dialect so Chopra addresses the man-dress clad terrorist suspect. “He wants to know what happens if the motor quits - you smelly pile of human excretiment.” Tupac states in his thick Indian staccato, while the solid gold Hindu temple he wears on a gold rope around his neck shifts on his silver and gold Bollywood Dancer/Militan
t uniform as he struggles to hold onto the bench as the copter jerks.
“Ohh” Talibanny replies “Then you will be - how you say - halalalalala FLAT, and how you say - halalalala DEAD.” Then he bows and flourishes his right hand in a swirling down motion and with an oblivious smile returns to the cockpit.
Sarcastro looks away from the little sharpening stone he is using to put more of an edge on one of the removable metal leaves of his squirting flower that he wears on his chest. “Hey TC, Who’s your travel agent? Jihadi Adventures? Good gawd I haven’t been this air sick since I rode Lulu from the sideshow.” then he flares his elbows to illustrate how big Lulu was, as any clown would have to.
“Enough,” Tupac replies. “We have work to do.” Then he kicks at the legs of Fatoichi who is slumbering obliviously.
Fatoichi wakes up and swirls his arms in a forward motion to get his blubbery mass moving in a forward direction, then springs up to his ninja slippered feet and does a hopping forty five degree spin to check his surroundings before the copter goes into a steep descent and he hits the roof then the floor when it levels out but arises unscathed if not confused.
“Alright, Let’s go,” Tupac says “That idiot hired to stop Octubre should be able to give us the distraction we need.”
The group exits the helicopter which is hovering on the roof of the museum now and Chopra looks off the edge at the fight going on between the Shaman and the Luchador before he leads the group into a roof entrance of the building.
Octubre kips up to his feet and drop-kicks Obscuro then starts running for the museum entrance with his outraged opponent in hot pursuit. Obscuro catches up to him in front of a large glass window and tackles him through it, setting off a loud alarm and flashing lights. They exchange a series of kicks and punches and move past the lobby and into the main room while the alarm lights flash.
“Who are you? why are you doing this?” Octubre asks, throwing a vase inscribed with masked bronze age wrestlers at Obscuro simultaneously.
“I am Obscuro, Luchador Champion and Adventurer,” he replies while ducking the vase. “And I am the one that will stop your sinister plan and save the fair Luisa!”
“I know of no such person, I have come to return that which was stolen from my people to the lost pyramid where it belongs.” Octubre unleashes a furious combo on Obscuro before shoulder tossing him into a glass cased exhibit, then he quickly runs up the stairs leading to the Mayan exhibition and goes through the doorway. Blue Varlet and Sarcastro are standing to either side of the door-frame and unleash simultaneous elbows, clothes-lining Octubre to the ground where the rotund Fatoichi drops miraculously from the ceiling, flattening him. Varlet and Sarcastro then toss him down the stairs into a charging Obscuro and they both go to the foot of the stairs in a pile, right at the feet of several police officers who are aiming large caliber handguns at their heads.
“Alright, I’m am of the having it.” Tupac shows them the knife, having extricated it from one of the many hands on the giant statue of Shiva at the back wall. “With the getting out of here we make now.” Then they collectively return to the roof access to their waiting copter. As they pile into the helicopter the Pilot looks past the curtain to see if they are all aboard, It is Luisa, but now She wears an all black outfit and strip of executioners mask across her face. “Executrix!” Chopra yells. “Be taking us out of here please!” Executrix pulls back on the stick while Talibanny ogles her skintight vinyl clad legs to the point where he starts leaning toward them, so she sticks her fingers into the back corner of his jaw and shoves him hard into the side window without even glancing at the now dazed insurgent.
Chapter Three:
Unto the hands of my Frenemies.
Assault rifle armed teams of police continue to search the museum while Octubre and Obscuro are taken to the Police Station by two Detectives, both in suits, but that is where the similarity ends, One is a massive black mess seemingly not able to keep track of all his girth and not caring in particular, while the other wears a sharkskin suit, chains and pinky ring in a concerted attempt to look like his favorite character on a well known Mafia show, even though he is clearly Hispanic and not Italian at all.
“Where is the knife?!” Gueedo hollers at the two after Blopton tosses them into the interrogation room.
“Why don’t you fly off and ask the helicopter crew?” Obscuro responds angrily even as he pulls away from the obsideon shadow that is the massive Blopton.
“Oh, so this jabronie wants to be a wiseguy? I am down with that, as the Blacks would say,” He looks at Blopton for approval but only gets looked down upon. “And uh, It’s my thing, y’know, to get looked at..” He starts to adjust his tie when the door is flung open by Chief Stetson in all his Armani clad glory.
“Gueedo! Blopton!” the Police Chief yells at the Two in his choked falsetto that is chain gang boss by way of boot camp. “Freakin’ international incident here, I want some answers before I gotta put my foot in someone’s ass!” He points at his foot then right at them to emphasize his point.
“Bloppin-Chief we got dees du ere, dey wus ina pile onda flo ooh ahh...” Blopton starts to exasperatively tell his enraged boss in his loose and mush-mouthed fashion. “Den bloppem heliscopper go spppp.”
“You have exactly one second to tell me what he just said or I’m transferring both of you to the infirmiry...with my foot...” Stetson points again, “...in your ass.”
“Hey I don’t know Chief,” Gueedo finishes straightening his collar and cuffs while he talks. “These two jabronies were all beat up inside when we got here and there was this helicopter that took off from the roof...” Gueedo adjusts the knot of his tie. “Now I’m no Nostradamus but if I had to guess I’d say these Two are in on it.”
“If They’re in on it why are they still here then, and not gone with the helicopter?” The Chief asks him and gets no reply before turning his attention to the two prisoners. “So how about it fellas, who wants to tell me who has the knife?”
“The Shiv of Shiva has been stolen from you as it was from my people.” Octubre tells him. “Now It’s power is in the hands of evil and you are all in grave danger.”
Obscuro is still staring at Octubre trying to figure out what has transpired then he turns to answer the Chief. “All I saw was this guy in a blue mask and a clown throw this maniac at me on the stairs and now we are here, I do not know any of them, I was only hired to stop him from stealing the knife but it appears as though I have been duped. Do you know who those men were?”
“I have some idea, but it’s not your problem anymore,” The Chief tells him. “The Mexicans say they want the knife back, They said it was a mistake to send it with the exhibit, this Octubre guy here is some sorta church official or something down there and is actually authorized to take it back to Mexico. Who hired you to stop him?”
“A woman,” Obscuro tells him. “She said that she was of Royal Lineage and that she would be sacrificed to the blade so this hombre could gain it’s power.”
“It is true that royal blood must be shed to gain the power,” Octubre tells him. “but that could encompass many lines.”
“Well I got word from the Mexican embassy that He has diplomatic immunity,” Stetson indicates Octubre. “And you just appear to be a big idiot, so I’m gonna kick both of you loose, but I’m tellin ya right now that if either one of you udder suckers gets in the way of this investigation I will plant my foot so far up your ass you’ll be polishing my shoes with your tonsils. Now get out of my sight and stay there.”
Blopton finishes uncuffing them when his cell phone rings to the tune of Ridin Dirty, he looks at the screen to see the photo of who is calling and is met with the image of what can best be described as a fatter version of May West in considerably less clothing than May would ever be seen in. “Bloppin scuse me oooh,” He turns away to talk into the phone and his voice completely changes to a very smooth and sexy and somehow clear tone. “Hello baby, ya I’m still at work, just the usual, gonna
come by later ok? Ya, I’ll bring the cheeseburgers, OK bye now (kissie noise)”. Then he hangs up and sees everything has stopped and everybody’s staring at him. “Bloppin-what?!”
“That’s it!,” the Chief announces. “Everybody out!”
Obscuro catches up with Octubre outside the station. “So what will you do now?”
“I must find the Shiv before it’s power is unleashed, “ Octubre tells him. “Or it will be too late to save any of us.”
“What about this shedding of Royal blood thing,” Obscuro asks. “Who is it that is in danger from this thing?”
“Within everything that is famous to a lot of people there is a level of Royalty, so if someone were known to be the Queen of Soul or the King of All Media then They would be of Royal blood, as would their Offspring.” Octubre explains. “So I must try to stop the man who has it from using the shiv on a person from such a family.”
“I too will not allow blood to be shed for myself being too blind to see past a beautiful woman,” Obscuro tells him. “Come, We will go to my office and prepare, then we will find those we seek.”
“We will have until they have gathered 3 of these persons of royal type blood before the ritual can be done,” Octubre elaborates. “But if it is completed then the bearer of the knife will possess the power of the Mayan God-kings.”
“And this power does what exactly?” Obscuro inquires.
“Limitless power, The power to rule the world.” Octubre answers grimly.
“Then we must make haste.”
Octubre nods in agreement and they get into Obscuro’s purple Impala and tear off.
Chapter Four:
Don’t pay the Taliban till he gets you to the other side.
“Hey Old Man!” Sarcastro’s psychotic clown voice breaks the steady clomping of hooves and neighing of horses in the barn. “We’re looking for some Royalty,” The man he is talking to stands in a stall brushing an appaloosa with a brand of two Xs, then turns as he hears his unwelcome visitors, The man is none other than Terry Funk from the infamous Funk family of pro-wrestlers.