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*SEED*
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Copyright 2013 Tyler James MacLeod
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MIND
Lifeless thoughts race, and I turn off the TV. I had to distract myself, and take that chance to breathe. Once, lost in that signal, lost in translation to provoke time, and find something on. It did not matter; the TV could not maintain composure. For what I paid, the sacrifices made; I am still paying for it.
Those bills at the front door, how embarrassing, with my finances exhausted, am I ever tired. I couldn't dare be influenced by another sale, or be singled out, and do without. Since that television, I have been buying food when I have a fridge full.
I sink deeper into my thoughts, tired, and I say to myself it has been such a hectic day. With breath, to hold my eyes heavy to sleep, and exhale, I dream.
A drive, peaceful, and away from here outside the traffic and city lights, I will find starts, and a beginning to understand. With no one seeing my views here, and even I don't know at times, why I am so tired. Thinking of rest, I feel I am getting sleepy, and sinking deeper and deeper into this pillow of mine. I sleep.
What a beautiful day, excited to be me. Driving to city for a new start, possibly a new career to be… Further relieved, I am far from that last muck, Adam; just not my luck. I will never work for another boss like that again.
Driving the countryside between cities, I see nature and beauty. Trees as healthy as can be, and rocks that are not judged. The road winding, I look to a distance, seeing not distraction and no need for reaction. Calm fresh air with the windows down, relaxing and feeling fresh. The focused clarity with no need to wander or wonder why, I think of peace to stare, and it looks right back at me. My thoughts confused without it; peace takes me instead. What a beautiful sight. Insightful and without distortion; a perfect mix prepared for a perfect day.
Mountains in the distance and colors of the fall streak the health. Height with no order, it was an impeccable meet by both sides before the road dividing. I found excitement when I removed the road, posts, signs, and cars from sight. Furthermore relaxed by miles on track without a train sounding its horn, to get a move on! I find health further from the city I was once in. Without flashing lights, there is just this blinding sun, distracting me with no need for specific. This sun I was ok with, I never had to work for my tan.
Onwards, the city center mall had a sign for the next exit. Who cares? Screw this, I am taking you road! You got that right! And with a wink back, I made my turn. That sign had me frustrated, no way I would go further. These places represented by crowd, and everyone looking at me. You make me feel nothing, therefore, you will get nothing city center. Nevermore, I am not your fish; you are not going to reel me in again. Off the highway, and driving along the right road, the river passing has me thinking I made the right choice.
A great time it would be, to cool off, and get that well deserved swim. However, this time myself conscious has me drive further. I am closer to nature, still keen of what is ahead, and fascinated by success, when I drive by these homes. No matter how beautiful these places are, I must go further, and see if there is a place for me.
The road darkens, and I drive, wondering how long I have been driving on this windy road of mine? Who lives up here? I say.
The arms of the trees are branching out to block out the sun. I take off my transition lenses, and frustrated I become when I can't find the case. Looking for the case, as I normally would; it seems I have misplaced it. I considered what I paid, while considering my finances. To scratch them, would be the end of them, even if I can still see. I paid big money for these. I paid big money!
A split second decision and I had to look up! I was behind, and my truck had difficulty staying on the road. I breathe out a sigh of relief, roll my eyes to the right, and breathe again. This road abused, and where are the damn road crews. Now shouting, where are the damn road crews!
Ok screw this, next path I see I stop. I am not going any further out here, with my eyebrows pressured. Where the hell is the case for my glasses? Left to right on this road, my frustrations put me in danger, and that is not important right? Where the hell are you!
Throwing my arms to hit the ceiling of the truck, it stops off to the side, and far enough for what? When I gave up at the wheel… I gave up! Nobody lives up here. Who, in their right mind would want to live up here?
Down, and in my mind, I question my decision to drive this far and just then I see the words: RELAX ~
The words appear in my rearview mirror, and how did that happen? What on earth? I check my mirror on the left, and then right, to think, balance. Laughing out loud, with such a weird mind, I tell myself, Jade you are hilarious. Get out of this vehicle before you hurt yourself.
Swinging the door open, I step on stable ground and say would you look at those trees, tall, vibrant, and green. I couldn't help myself to just, let go, and spin.
Eyes widen to the width of the stream, accompanied by a marvelous river. The river, harmonic in sound; I breathe without being heard. I feel not a sigh, and no need to wonder. I rush back to the truck to grab a pack, and something convenient. My thoughts were attract when I left that store before. This would be enough food, I thought as I walked away.
Walking towards the water I can feel the cool. Feeling so, and convenient with this busy life of mine, I stand tall; too short to complain, and or wonder why.
The cold air travels from my skin down through my clothes, giving me a second chance to feel confident. This is how I am, and how I am dressed. I am going to have to work harder out here, I say to myself. Eager to move along and see, I will warm in time. Refreshing my senses, feeling guided; this is me. For I am free, I shout with a spin of my arms, by my locks of gold, and showing what I am worth.
The water closer, as I am moving with interest, I couldn't resist the craving. A desire not one to lock, or check to spend, I move, and I am having fun getting there. I tell a story to draw, and always for another. However this is my time to take credit, this time, I am Jade.
Is there anybody out there? I shout at the sky, with a feeling. For that feeling, I feel blessed, and start to spin right round, and around. Addicted by fun, with virtue by live it; time on my side, this very moment. It’s great to be alive, and great to be me! Free of all the work driving me to failure, and free to think, I shout. My arms thrown high above me, I look up and say…?
Suddenly, with my words scared to death, and out of nowhere, my dizziness has me frazzled, and I yell, It's coming right for me, damn you! Get away you monster, get away!
My eyes balance, and my feet correct me from falling. The Eagle has moved on. I have never been so afraid! It attacked me! I fix the hair from my eyes, and luckily I wasn't hurt. With luck I was alive, and considering his size, and mine; phew.
I can't stop thinking about that bird; spooked from my approach, and how it lifted from its time to air. I am scared. With my hands at my knees, and the correction made, that bird’s image was one to remember. A wingspan of ten feet, and What the *&^$ %^@&#*&%(&^!(*&^%#, showing that bird who's boss, and that should do it. You know how long it took me to get here, you give me a break. You hear me? I am ‘gong’ to enjoy my time.
My eyes follow the eagle flying now high above; at a safer distance I was. I see you, I shout again. The Eagles wingspan dips the right, and gazes downward. For that moment I felt I would see that crazy bird again, and I did not know when, or why. This feeling had made me won
der, when, where, and why I was here, and what travels do I have ahead? Upset, however feeling thrilled, I am excited, and I move on.
Finding a trail to the left with no mailbox insight, a lucky check, and nor mail. Who's going to reach me, and who cares? It's just me out here, I smile.
Dancing through woods, I step and hear the break of every branch, and on this path, there is an acorn at every kick. My path is chosen, and it too got a wink.
Not seen, I see myself alive now. Being myself with raised fists, and my assertive approach, to forget the past. The trees acting tough, and out sizing me by just a bit, I had to show strength out here, I had to be known. I am JADE!
Again with the yelling I couldn't feel any more satisfied to get my frustrations off mine bosom, and laugh, at how funny I can be. I yell, I am Jade, and I am Life!
Laughing and thinking, as I look around at nature, and naturally we may just have to compromise. With no further a due, I gave my wink, and kept on.
I must have skipped down that trail a dozen times, but this was just my first, and for I was one. Every lift from every step, I felt like a tiger, and my days of my childhood reflect my smile. My eyes were insightful with an open mind, and it was from this trail and I, in love. Hiking now with a fresh step, one step at a time… blissfully yours!
My eyes following the river, balanced I thought, yet rough and in control. I walk until I find a spot to swim. It has been so long since I have had the confidence of body, and the peace of mind to just do this.
With not a moment more to think, a tweak of the brow is all it took, to have me drop my clothes, kick off my shoes, and run for the water.
Into the stream splashing, smiling, laughing cold refreshed. My presentation was careless, but that did not matter, I was revitalizing a part of. I can't stop laughing, and I dive, hitting the water reflecting a past with a
FLASH ~
So cold, waking up in shock with my head hurt, throbbing, and dazed. I place my hand on my head, to feel the pain, rushing to my toes. I don’t know what has happened to me. Scared, and in the dark, I fear I am alone. The tears pour from my eyes. I look around and see neither trail, nor anything in sight to even tell me why I am here, or catch my tears. I will never be found, not out here. Where am I? Asking myself for answers? All I got was a confused shiver from fear, imprisoned by darkness.
Standing up from the water, my legs give out. Falling to my knees with tears, I bawl. My arms wrap my legs for warmth, for I'm so cold. No sight, not knowing where I am?
Where am I?
God Help Me?
Hurt and scared I won't find myself here, or be found like this, I am repeating my fears, and getting more and more scared.
The tears drip from my cheek, and meet the water at my feet. I watch them splash one by one, with pain, and confusion I stand alone! A headache and this concussion of mine had me confused. What has happened to me? I scream out into the wild, angry at what I see. I then scream for the moon to light the sky, but no answer. Heavily breathing, and choking out water, this is not right, this is not right, I speak from the chills.
Intuition had me move to land, and away from that river; a reminding nightmare that once was, and is. I did not know this nightmare has just begun, with my days of life and meaning over. My thoughts coming to me, with no crystal ball for a future; I can only hope I am dreaming. Please God, let me wake again! Let me wake at home! Begging for the help of God, I fall to my knees again, with pain, and with arms uplifting. Filling my pores with tears, I cry and look up; with pain, my head falls, defeating myself. More alone than I have ever been I say, there is no God, not out here, and not like this.
Cold, withered, and wondering where my belongings are, I am sure I had something to wear. Naked, and vulnerable, I break to cradle my legs secure. I could only breathe now, and warm my body, as this was sense and this was my animal instinct. My tears stop when I believe they are frozen. Although passively drained, I look around dazed, dark, confused and cold. There may be hope; I open my mouth to say. I am still alone. The sewn mouth secret of my stupidity, and what I thought I had done, was not for me to be hard on myself; I had to survive this.
Denying with self-pity, and pleading with the devil. Yelling, why did you put me here? The voice in my head tells me, I have abused myself. It doesn't make any sense? Alone I have always been, and there is no one who understands me, no one. If I am found, will they understand me now? Do you hear me God? Do you hear me?
My headache, now tension, and with agitation I become frustrated. This pain not leaving me, I contradict myself with helpless belief. I shout! I am alone! Let me out! I find heated tension, and warming now with priority. I knew, I couldn't move in this state of panic forever. I need my clothes, a space for recovery, and through this, I deserve to be safe.
Get home Jade, the voices in my head said.
~Voices~
Where is home? I ask. Then shout, where is it?
On to my feet, and moving quickly from the thought of my frustrations, I rely on my sense of touch, falling, and getting up again, kicking the dirt from my feet. In retrospect I have repressed, with my mind a mess, and for this time, just this time, I know I can't repeat myself.
My thoughts come face to face. And one-step at a time, I am closer to my subconscious mind, feeling emotion, and the thought; I want to be me again.
Great fears, great fears… I was just a kid, a time of darkness, when my family bought their first home. This home was filled with excitement, when I was the oldest. Having my choice of rooms was splendid, and without words I said, Awesome. The downstairs room was the largest, and I was the oldest kid. Space I was dreaming of and astrology had me planning stars on my ceiling, stars *~*~*
The opportunity turned into my greatest fear. A late night alone waking to the sound of darkness, by a thoughtless head distracted fear, with chalice of dark not to drip?
No allowance!
No allowance?
My chores not done, or I would have had those stars, but I wasn't there yet. Scared, and quiet, I had the fear that if I let out my screams, I would be in trouble. I had to scream a code of silence.
The cola before bed had me racing to get out, and from these fears, I would surely wet what I wear. Wandering my room aimlessly that night, at an hour confused, and for how long, it was long enough. My palms sweating, facing direction, and bumping into things, I looked for walls. I move from point to circle and right back where I started. Without a door in reach, I was getting upset. A teeth grinding panic, with the voices in my head saying to me, how could this be? How could there be no door?
Confusion turned into panic, and panic turned into confusion. My bladder could only hold one more drop, and I was repeating myself, again, and again, getting nowhere. Doing all I can with my tears relieving me from pain, I give up. With my legs giving out, and that painful fall to my knees, I surrender to the dark side of this box, this box without light.
Without sight and without a peace of mind this forever scared me. I pressed on, and on, until I found that door. My hands handle it, and I am out of this place without light, and without a difficult thought thereafter, I assure you. The light triggers me, like a candle with a steady flame. I awake from this nightmare, and retreat from my greatest fear; a lifetime of bedwetting and the mistake, I could not be punished for again.
You’ve done this before Jade, and you can do this again. This time is no different. You're still you, and you are better than you have ever been, you have your health.
Driven to move, and driven to conquer this cold of mine, I shiver to heat, and tell myself, you will find your way out. Without clothes I was winded, and I had to huddle low to feel, and retain my body heat, with my breath as my heater.
Looking to cross the river, my mind wanders the dark for my clothes. Far too cold at this moment, there is no way. Wonderful maybe, that woman, but this is my handicap, with my daze, confusion, and pain, I wander.
The moon streaks the night, through the clouds, and for j
ust a moment, I had company. Then, collecting my shadow, I had a friend to move forward with. Moving deeper into the woods, sheltered by the larger trees, I feel my temperature reason with me, and I become more relaxed. Steadying my breathing, and not to waste, for I couldn't bring in that cold, and shiver again. I had to put everything into perspective here, with the thought of me, and my basis for survival. I have to get through this! My thoughts race to find their way. And I say never judge a book by its cover; you will get through this Jade!
No longer a moment of words, had the stigma had me moving again? I run, and I pray Find my way Lord, find me your path! Working myself up, no longer chilled, I am moving far too quick for them to catch me again. My blood heated with angst from fear, breathing distraction before I go mad. Jade get a grip on this! The voices in my head say to me. An empty container I am, as I contain myself. I picture a warm bath, drawn for safety, to heal this moment with enough air to breathe, enough room to fill, and a place I can call my own. I will survive this, and I will get that warm bath, I shout.
My eyes leveling with the cold again and this is starting to get to me. No matter my thoughts, I have to move and distract myself from this. My change from a wash up on shore had me running, freezing, and I don't recall, my way back. The woods look the same to me, I feel I am getting, nowhere. I was doing one thing right; I found control, breathing! And then I saw… a bear!
Doomed and wish I was shroomed for this? Without a breath to breathe, my insides turned with fright. This night could not be any worse. Frightened, and startled, the cold air from my lungs, I kept in. I went icy scared, with the hairs standing taller than the trees, and the heat was not found.
Covering my mouth, I had to breathe, and for a moment of insecurity, I let out a puff that was carried by the air, and in the direction, upwind, and scared. My eyes fixed, with the bear moving my fear, taunting me, when I could only watch. The bears eyes on the water, and my eyes on the bear.
Once dark before, and now a different shade, not afraid, and not interested, I was scared to death. The bear moving slowly, knowing I was no more than thirty feet away, and thinking was my mistake. Now, I am not counting feet. I am counting claws, holding my breath for survival, or I would surely be dead.