“The opposite of love is not hate Mark, it is indifference. When she does not care about anything you do, know you have lost her.”
I wish someone told me of this early enough. I messed up, worse off I got caught. Things have been awful at home. I need to make things work. I need to get her back by all means. I miss my wife. I miss knowing that she thinks about me. I miss holding her in my arms-and even her smile. I have never seen or heard her cry. I guess I am the first one to make her bear so much pain. This has just messed me up and why did she call me? It was just one night of fun and I paid her well. She was not meant to call. Anyway she did so and that’s why Beryl left. I met Nelson at the court and he told me she wants a divorce. He even showed me what he was drafting-she wanted a clean exit. She did not want to split property or take anything from me; rather she wants to get rid of my last name. I had three shots of Tequilla that afternoon as Nelson advised me on what to do. He asked me why she was seeking divorce and I couldn’t tell him. I referred him to his client. Nelson has been my friend for a few years. He was in the same law firm as me before he got promoted to another branch within town. I took up the role of senior partner; word is that he is still doing his best to get there. The man is the best divorce attorney I have ever met in Kenya. He can get his clients the house or the children with just one word! I knew if Beryl went through with the divorce she would win. I love her. I know I messed up and I am doing what I can to get a second chance knowing I would not mess it up. God how I wish I never went out that night. How I wish that I could go back and set things straight. Some of the guys laughed it off. They could not understand that with Beryl is the gentleness and never ending support that any man would be lucky to have. She is the ideal wife and I messed it up. I am sick of all this silence.
Do you know how we met? It was at a restaurant. She was seated at the table at the far end of the restaurant slowly going through a ladies magazine. I had to update a requisition letter for a client, and needed a place to plug my laptop charger. Her table was the only one located near a plug and I asked if I could join her. It was her smile that blew me away. I did not expect it but she asked me what I was engrossed in. I told her about what I did and she smiled and said, ‘no wonder you look all suited up!’ I must have laughed a while before it hit me that she was leaving. I gave her my card if ever she needed legal advice and she gave me hers saying that if ever I needed to buy a house or an apartment I could call her. “How about coffee tomorrow evening?”
“Seriously?”
“Yes, I’d be honored.”
“Name the place and time and I will be there.”
“How about right here?”
“I will see you then Mark, have a wonderful day.”
“You too Beryl.”
I watched her leave before saving her number on my phone list in case I lost her card. I am careless with business cards and my clients know that too. In fact they always laugh about it at the firm that for a lawyer I lose the most vital information. I always retort that it’s better that way clients pay consultation fee!
I met Beryl and fell in love with her warm laughter and smile. She was simple and so true in her expressions that being around her made me breathe. Have you ever been around someone who you are free to be the real you without fear of being judged? Beryl is a breath of fresh air. I knew it at that restaurant and I still know she is. I wish she would give me a second chance. I did go out with the guys again. They told me that if I took a few more shots I would forget the pain, but the more I drank the more I hurt. The more shots I took the clearer it became that I had destroyed the only good thing I had going. They dropped me home where I must have blacked out on the carpet. I woke up the next day at 3:00pm with a migraine and an empty stomach. If only she knew how pathetic I am without her, she would stay. I do not know what to say. I cannot say I am sorry because that is not enough. I want to show her that I still love her. I want to show her that I will never mess up again, but I don’t know how. Beryl is my wife and having cheated or not I still love her. I love her. I messed up once. I was too drunk and in that moment I lost her trust, respect and love. Now I understand what my Father said about the three most important things to a man, that come from his woman. I have to make things right, hell…if she wants to leave I shall have done everything to keep her, and then I’d not be such a loser.
Mark.
Take Two: Beryl
Dear Diary,
This hurts. I am in so much pain I do not know where to begin. I wake up at 6:00am and cry myself through the day and into the night. I am tired of this, but then again a part of me tells me to stick around. I do not know how my parents lived together but as for me and my husband-it’s not the same. He cheated on me. What hurts is the fact that he lied about it. I would have appreciated some honesty but he lied! He went out with his friends, drank too much and ended up in another woman’s bed. He came home the next day saying he had been at his friend’s place. His friend was already in the house looking for him. They insisted he was there, but I knew when she called looking for him. Something snapped in me when she called to thank him for an awesome night. It wasn’t a loud snap, but a mild one. I could not look him in the eye or let him touch me. I looked him in the eye and simply said ‘she called you.’ Like most men, he started out ‘let me explain.’ I walked out of the room, and descended the stairs and reached for the door. His friend was in the hallway staring at us. He knew his friend was in trouble. He also had the guilty look. He must have been sorry he couldn’t cover for him. I couldn’t blame him because my husband did not let him in on the lie. Aren’t lawyers supposed to be good liars? I couldn’t take the pain. All I could think of was ‘why?’ Why did he find it important to sleep in the arms of another woman? Wasn’t a two year marriage good enough for him? Wasn’t I his love and his best friend? I took to my friend’s house and slept there. I stayed there for three days. When she asked me why I was out of my marital home all I could say was that I wanted to breathe. I wanted some time to my single self. I did not tell her I had been crying. I was selfish because I wanted the pain to myself. My Mother always told me that a marriage is watched by many but always about two people. I did not want the whole world knowing about his infidelity. I did not want them laughing at me. I did not want the women to blame me for not doing everything to keep my husband from straying. Truth is I could not believe that Mark had cheated on me. Yeah, that’s his name and he’s my husband-at least that’s what it says on paper. All that will change soon enough, because I want a divorce. I want out!
When I came home that evening, I walked into the kitchen and made him supper. He came home at 10:00pm and found me seated at the dinner table. He was in his grey three piece suit. He put his briefcase on the couch like he always does and looked at me. He must have uttered my name, for all I heard was a soft whisper. I looked at him and saw her hands all over him. I saw her. I looked at him draw near but all I could see was her. When he sat next to me all I could smell was her and this bolt of disgust ran through my veins I clutched the table cloth tightly. He stood up and ran his fingers through his hair before looking at me again. “I have been worried sick Beryl, am glad you are home.”
I chuckled. “Your food is getting cold.”
He looked at me and then sat to eat. He watched me place some food on my plate and then looked away. He waited for me to say grace but I did not want to consult any higher power then. I could not even stand the scent of food. “How was work?”
“Same as usual.”
“What’s the usual?”
“Just cases, appearances in court, client meetings and stuff like that. How h
ave you been?”
“Eat up; the food will get cold Mark.”
“I called the office and they said you asked for time off.”
“I am travelling to Mombasa.”
“When?”
“Tomorrow.”
“And when were you going to tell me?”
“I don’t think you deserve to know anything about my life now Mark.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“We need to talk Beryl. We need to talk about what happened…”
“You lied to me and slept with another woman, is there anything more?”
“You do not understand…”
“No, Mark you are the one who doesn’t understand. I am your wife. You lied to me, and you betrayed the sanctity of our marital bed by sleeping with another woman. You also betrayed my trust by lying to me, so what don’t I understand?”
“Let me explain Beryl.”
“If you can tell me why you did that and your answer