Shattered
By Stephanie Mitchell
Copyright 2015 Stephanie Mitchell
I’ve always been the girly girl. All about hair, nails, makeup, and clothes. I’ve always lived here in sunny Los Angeles California, getting to spend every moment soaking up the sun surrounded by hot, fit, handsome boys. Boys so sun kissed, they make you think they could be Gods born from the sun itself. This was my life, day in and day out. I’ve always known I would never leave LA. This was my home, yet little did I know, this dream, this life wouldn’t last
I woke up to my alarm clock screaming at me. I opened my eyes to see a stream of light filtering through the blinds. I felt at peace knowing that my life was perfect. I rolled out of bed already planning my day. Shopping, shopping, and shopping, but let’s not forget the most important activity that I would do. Boy watching at the beach, perfect way to spend the day. I made my way to start my beatification process. Gleefully I skipped to the main washroom on the second floor, just to be denied access by my idiot brother.
“Josh, hurry up! I need to use the washroom.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I just got in here, so you are going to have to wait.”
“Ugh, you are so annoying sometimes!”
I glanced up to the clock on the wall, trying to judge my timing on things.
“Josh, it is nine thirty. You better be out of this washroom by nine forty.”
“I’ll be out when I’m out.”
“Ugh! I hate you!”
I can’t believe it. Every time I go to use the washroom in the morning Josh is always in there, eating up my time to get ready. I reluctantly went to my mom’s room. She usually has ‘company’ over. If I wasn’t in a rush to meet up with the girls, I’d wait for my brother. I slowly turn the knob expecting the worst but what I found was even worst.
“Mom! What is this? Why are you packing everything you own?!”
“Good morning to you to Jessica.”
“Good morning, mother, you didn’t answer my question. Why are you packing up all of you stuff?”
“Jessica, I didn’t want you or your brother to know yet, but I guess it’s too late now, but, I got a new job offer in my work.”
“Okay, but why are you packing up all of your stuff?”
Well, the job offer is in Russia.”
“RUSSIA!”
Did I just hear correctly or did I hallucinate?
“Mom, Russia? Are you kidding me? I can’t move, yet alone to Russia! I’m a Cali girl! I belong in the sun, the beach. I go driving through streets in a top down convertible with the wind blowing through my hair! Not ice thrown in my face and living in an igloo! You are ruining my life. I hate you!”
“Jess, please!”
I storm off before my mom even has a chance to elaborate on the situation. I can’t believe she is doing this to me, or Josh. Oh who the hell cares about Josh? How could she do this me?!
“Jessica, Josh. Can you two please come here?”
Of course now Josh comes out the bathroom immediately.
I so very much reluctantly went back to my dreaded mother’s room.
“So, Jessica, you already know, so, Josh. I’ve had a job offer at work and I’ve taken it. It involves moving, to Russia.”
The thought still infuriates me.
“What do you think Josh?”
Moms voice still grating on my ear drums.
“Whatever.”
“Whatever? WHATEVER!? How can you be so non-expressive about this? Mom is ruining our lives!”
“Jessica, you need to calm down because this whole act. This attitude you’re playing at needs to stop. We are moving to Russia. You have no say in the matter. At the end of the week, all three of us are getting on a plane and starting new lives. Together. You can whine all you want, but that’s not going to change the fact. So get your act together, cut the crap, and pack your stuff. I’m tired of this.”
So my life is officially over.
****************************
Saying goodbye to my friends have been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. After all, I’m only seventeen. I dragged my carry on down the aisle attempting to find my seat. After for like ever, I plopped down into my window seat, watching the life I’ve loved soar past my eyes. I pulled my iPod out, hoping to send my worries away. If things couldn’t get any better the ugliest, oldest guy took the seat next to me. Great, one of the longest flights of my life and I’m stuck next to this wrinkle butt thing. Gross. I plug my ears with the beats on my iPod just in time to skip the captain’s announcement. A reminder of the fifteen hour flight ahead of me.
****************************
I jolt awake to the rough landing of the plane. I sit up and straighten my clothes out. The cabin light turned on and the Captain came onto the loud speakers.
“This is your Captain speaking ladies and gentleman. If you look out your windows you will see that we have safely landed in St. Petersburg. I hope you all enjoyed the flight as much as I did and hope you fly again with us at Air France.”
“Jessica, Josh. Come on lets go. The car is waiting for us.”
I grab my carry one from the upper storage and drag it down the aisle. We follow my mom out off the plane and threw the airport. We skip baggage claim because all of our belongings are already at out new home. We walk out to the parking out and find the car that my mom’s company left for her to have. We piled into the car and started the drive to our new house. I turn the radio on trying to find a decent radio station.
“Geez do all they listen to here is polka or something?”
“Well I like it.” Josh rubbed in.
“Shut up freak.”
“Hey! Stop it all of you! I’m not taking any crap from either of you. Now stop arguing or you are both grounded for a month!”
I grab my iPod out of my purse and shove my earbuds in and blast Rihanna. I can’t believe this is where I have to live. As soon as I turn nineteen I am so out of this nasty, sunless, cold place.
After about forty-five minutes we pull up to some crack whore looking house.
“We gave up a beautiful mansion for a rundown crack house?!”
“Stop being so over dramatic Jessica. It may look a little run down on the outside but the inside is very nice. Grab your stuff come on.”
I follow my mom up to the front door and anxiously wait for my mom to unlock the door. As she turns the handle I expect to see chalk outlines on the floor. When the door finally opened I have to admit, my mom was right. The house was decorated and furnished in an eco-modern style that almost matched our old house. I headed down the hallway to find my bedroom at the end of the hallway. I opened the door to find all of my stuff arranged exactly how I ordered it to.
I closed the door behind and spent the rest of the night preparing for what I was going to wear for school tomorrow.
I wake up to my alarm clock screaming at me. I opened my eyes to darkness filling my room without a light to be seen. I switch on my side light, threw my blankets off and swung my feet out of my warm covers and onto the floor only to be stung by the cold.
I quickly hopped across my room and slipped on my booties.
After a quick shower, makeup, getting dressed I headed down to the kitchen to grab a quick prepaid smoothie and waited for my mom to drive me to school.
The drive to school was a short one only lasting about ten minutes. We pulled up front to a crappy looking little school that was oh so…made for average people.
I reluctantly got out the car and made my way to the front door. My mom honked the horn twice and gave me a thumbs up and a wave goodbye.
I head inside and make my way to the office. After getting my class list I head to the first blo
ck of the day. Math.
After a very awkward and lonely lunch, I make my way to English. I take a desk at the back row closest to the door. I look up to the clock and see that I still have forty minutes left of the class. While completely bored out of my mind the shrill of the phone ring brought me back to reality. Ms. Sochinsky scurried over and promptly picked up the phone.
“Ms. Sochinsky. Yes. Yes she is here. Yes I will at once.” She murmured into the phone with her thick Russian accent. “Jessica Brown?”
“Huh?”
“You are wanting in the principal’s office right away. Please gather your belongings and head down there.”
I quickly collected my stuff and slipped out the door. I made my way to the office where I was pointed towards the principal’s office. When I walked in I found my mom sitting on the chair next to the door crying.
“Mom what happened?”
“It’s your brother.” She whimpered in between tears.
“What happened to him?”
“He got into an accident.”...
“Well if we never moved to this godforsaken place he never would have gotten hurt. This is all your fault! I can’t believe you actually made us move here! Absolutely ridic. Well why are you still sitting there? Aren’t we going to go see him, or something?”
“He didn’t make it.” She whispered.
Holy crap! I can’t believe I just did that!
“Mom, I’m sorry it’s not your fault. Mom I’m sorry.”
After getting a grant to leave school for however long I needed, we walked silently out to the car and drove home.
****************************
It’s been fourteen months since Josh’s funeral and I’ve pretty much became the care giver for my mom. Her company was nice enough to give us monthly allowances that barely allow us to survive. We ended up moving to a one bedroom apartment in the city that is barely as big as a shipping container. I spend most of my days taking care of my mom. All she does now is sit in a rocking chair staring out the window. She barely eats anymore, maybe once a day, if I’m lucky to get her to get something down. I try to sit with her everyday reading and listening to her favorite music. Anything that has a brass section. When Josh died and mom became, what she is…I had to quit school and pick up a full time job. I remember when she used to wake us up on Saturday mornings by singing her heart out to the radio. She would be laughing and giggling knowing that her singing voice was a bit of a train wreck. Yet every Saturday she was down in the living dancing around, smiling with her pearly whites beaming joy to the world. God how I used to hate it. Now it’s something that I long for.
I stand in the door frame just watching her stare out the window. Her long, full, brown hair now sat on her shoulders looking thin and gray. Her full figure now skeleton like, just sitting in that chair day in and day out.
“Mom, I’m headed out the store I’ll be back in soon, okay?”
I headed out knowing that she wasn’t going to respond. I head out the door and started my walk to the grocery store. After mom stopped working we had to sell the car to try and make ends meet. I even spent my eighteenth birthday celebrating with my friends over skype. My mom became too depressed after Josh to celebrate anything.
After the walk to the store and back I came back to our apartment to find the police and ambulance sitting outside of our apartment. I quicken my pace, fearing for the worst.
I ran up to the nearest officer. Trying to get through.
“Miss, miss I’m sorry but you cannot past.”
“What happened? My mom. My mom is by herself. I need to go check in on her.”
“Do you live with your mom?”
“Yes. Yes I do.”
“What apartment?”
“Twelve C.” I respond hastily.
The cop checked his pad quickly and turned his attention back to me.
“Ma’am please wait here for a moment.”
He walks over to someone else, who I assume is in charge and they both walk back to me.
“You are Jessica Brown?”
“Yes, yes what happened?”
“I’m sorry to inform Ms. Brown but you mother was found in your apartment by your neighbor…Ms.Lipin.”
“Found how!” I demanded.
“Dead, Ms. Brown.”
I crumple to the ground in a complete state of shock. The realization that I was alone in the world, with no immediately family scared me to death. I was so consumed in the unthinkable of what was happen that I could barely hear the officer tell me that my mom had committed suicide.
I spent the next four weeks in a halfway house. How I got through that I have no idea. A year and a half ago the only thing I could think about was how I was going to spend my day and what beach I would be lounging on. Now I’m fighting just to survive.
I wait in line at the airport to board the plane to San Diego California. My aunt on my mom’s side lives there and has agreed to take me in.
I take my seat on the plane and put my earbuds in to drown out the world around me for the next fifteen hours
****************************
I celebrate my ninetieth birthday sitting in a chair in my new room overlooking the ocean. My days were filled with thoughts consuming the girl I used to know. I spend my days sitting in a chair of a dark hearted spiral of gloom.
My aunt knocks on the door to let me know that she is taking a quick trip to the store and will be right back. If I need anything I can call up the house keeper and she will get anything I need. She closes the door to a crack and I listen as she makes her way for the car parked outside and drives away.
I look out the ocean and think to myself of the same thoughts of my mom. I smoothly get out of my chair and make it all the way out the door with the house keeper from noticing. I walk across the street and make my way down to the beach. I remove my pants and shirt reveal my two piece under my clothes. I walk into the ocean and is welcomed by the cold water biting at my skin. I wade deeper down until the water is at my chest. I take a quick look back towards the house, give it a quick smile and gracefully fall completely under the water. I don’t fight as the ocean takes away my worries and pain.
Just before the ocean finished its job, I smile as I welcome the peace, and float away from my dark abyss.