Six Flashes of Parchment
Carine Engelbrecht
Copyright 2015 by Carine Engelbrecht
Thank you for downloading this e-book. Although it is free, it remains the copyrighted intellectual property of the author and may be reproduced, copied and distributed only for non-commercial reasons and provided that the content remains in its original, complete form. It is a work of fiction.
For my sister, Janneke, who, despite not being much of a horror fan herself, attended each of my readings at the Bloody Parchment Reading Event, except for the last one. She had a good excuse for her absence, though, and I know she was there in spirit. Hope you enjoy this collection, J.
And for Nerine, thanks for bringing this event to life, (2009-2014).
Contents
The Curious Case of the Pizza Guy
The Mask of Arrakutt
The Greatest Lottery on Earth
The Troll Appocalypse
The Last Stall
The Last Zombie in the World
About the Event
About the Stories
The Curious Case of the Pizza Guy
(read live at the Book Lounge, 28 October 2009)
Right. I'm at the door, like those Jehova's Witnesses that always come round early on a Sunday morning, when everyone civilized is still asleep. Except, of course, you called me, didn't you?
Remember me, voice on the phone talking pepperroni and double mozzarella? Yep, it's the pizza guy, right at this sorry excuse of a door separating me from your generous presence, hint, hint...
What a dump! Look, I don't mean to criticize, but if I had the price of this pizza, plus tip to go, I'd upgrade my living conditions first. I mean, this place looks like a squat.
Customers. In my humble opinion, the pay's not enough for dealing with all the stupid questions. Take addresses, for instance. If you're calling out to have a pizza delivered, it's pure logic that the delivery guy needs to know where you live. There's no such thing as, I've been ordering for years, they all know where I stay. What do they think? Our drivers are psychic?
You have no idea how many people don't even know where they live. Like, how did they get there in the first place? Are they aliens from Mars that just landed?
In case you haven't noticed, I'm not really the delivery pizza guy, I'm the talk-on-the-phone-taking-your-dumb-orders pizza guy.
Like there's a difference, Tony the bossman always says.
At least fifty IQ points in the upper direction, I always tell him back.
Asshole!
I'm only here because Johnno seems to have disappeared.
By the way, you didn't see where the old geezer went to, did you? I see his van's still parked out front and Tony sort of needs him to cash up before he can close the shop.
On the other hand, I can sort of imagine it. Bit of a boozer, Old Johnno. Or maybe he went for a walk, if you know what I mean.
Now, don't get me started on the pizzas.
Had a guy phone in earlier who didn't even know what a pizza was. So, how did you know you wanted one, I asked, which got nothing but a dirty look from Tony, who happened to be standing right behind me at the time.
So, I had to go the whole routine of Look, you take a piece of round dough and then you add tomato base, what do you mean, what's tomato base? but because Tony stuck to me like superglue, I had to go the whole hog. When we got to add-ons, I wanted to cry, because the guy made me read the whole list from artichokes to zuchini and I had to explain what everything was and then he wanted to add everything to the pizza. That was when Tony's eyes began to water with greed and I thought, Holy crap, this sounds like a dud.
Wait a minute - that was you, wasn't it?
Well, it's on your plastic, the card went through like a dream and, if you don't come to the door at the count of ten, it's my supper.
So, tell me, just out of interest, are you hiding some army of aliens from Mars in there, because, as I remember it, this is your second super-size pizza for the night.
Speaking of which, the pizza - guaranteed hot or your money back.
If you'll answer your frigging door, that is.
That's more like it.... hey wait, where did... Oh my God, what's this?
Hey wait, that's Johnno's cap! He never takes it off. Wait, don't close the door!
Can you switch on the light, maybe? Listen...
If you're thinking of playing games.... Switch on the light, man, I nearly tripped on your shoes here. What are they? Filled with lead?
Oh my.... this has got to be some sick kind of joke. This can't be. It feels like somebody's foot. Ahhhhh! It is somebody's foot. I think I'm going to be sick.
So, it's not the pizza you've been calling for, is it?
Hey! Let me out of here!