Can You Imagine…?
by Bobbi G
Volume II
The Best Collection of Male and Female Anecdotes
Copyright 2012
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Books written by Bobbi G can be obtained either through the author’s official website:
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Table of Contents
Two Masters, One Abode
Mars vs. Venus
Mars vs. Venus, Part II
The Right Way to Fight
The Great Divide
PDA’s
Crazy Copulation
The “S” Word
Feminine Hygiene
Excuse Me!
The Perfect Man
He Said, She Said
Male and Female Parts
Making Sense Of Love
Two Masters, One Abode
Column #61 9-6-07
Did you happen to see the news report a while back about the trend amongst married couples of having their own bedrooms? Apparently, the epidemic became newsworthy when couples started building houses with two entirely separate master bedroom suites. Imagine the ‘for sale’ details: full basement…breakfast nook…and a separate master bedroom for each of you to enjoy. Yes buyers, enhance your marriage…sleep more peacefully, separately!
Couples interviewed stated they had separate bedrooms because they love each other not the other way around. One partner in particular (not to mention any specific gender…okay, its hubby) usually snored so loudly the blushing bride hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep since the honeymoon. In other words, separate bedrooms are a great idea, right?
In one instance, however, the wife had the thunderous nasal concert resounding for the duration of the twilight hours; making hubby wonder why they’d never slept together before the wedding. I mean…well, you know…sleep…as in not awake.
For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to sleep beside or near a noisy nightly assault; serious snoring can certainly be bothersome when you’re not the one snoring. Unless, of course, you’re heavily invested in ear plugs to muffle the freight train running through your bedroom.
As you know, snoring is an obstruction of the respiratory structures, causing air to make loud, unpleasant and downright rude noises. These obstructions could be: fat in and around the throat, misaligned jaw, throat weakness, or something totally nasal.
Some suggest using a huge object to bash the offending noise maker in and about the nasal area, hopefully, knocking those pesky obstructing respiratory structures loose and alleviating the situation? Actually…no….don’t try this. Forget what you’ve just read.
However, for those of you married to an avid snorer the question remains…would you move into another room? It’s a tough decision for some, because being married means sharing the same bed. But isn’t it enough to share the same house? Come on, we know just about all married couples spend their time in bed doing what you’re supposed to do while horizontal…sleep. And sound sleep and snoring don’t mix.
Snoring can also worsen as you get older. So when the kids move out, and you don’t really want to build a new house, what a perfect time for one of you to move into your own room, right?
Just imagine ladies redecorating with lacy pillows, stuffed animals and floral wall paper…
What? Oh, you have that now. Well okay then men…get away from the frilly stuff and have your very own camouflage bedding, animal heads on every wall and dirty underwear on the floor. Just imagine the possibilities with two master bedrooms.
Frankly, there is no hard and fast rule as to separate or shared bedrooms. This is a new age and health is important. So, if one of you isn’t getting enough sleep because of a thunderous noise coming from the one you vowed to love forever, just keep an open mind. You could be married to a man reported to be the loudest snorer on record. The wife now going deaf…which in her case may be a blessing; however, a separate bedroom could have saved her hearing.
I say more power to the couple that is secure enough not to have to sleep in the same room.
Can you imagine…a peaceful night’s sleep?
Mars vs. Venus
Column #91 4-3-08
Isn’t it funny how different men are from women…and sometimes it’s downright hysterical. Take for instance Popeye and his girlfriend Olive Oyl. Popeye with his corncob pipe and Olive Oyl with her string bean physique have been carrying on a love affair since 1929. Over the years not much has changed in their relationship. So how is it they have gotten along so well all those years when some of us can’t survive a first date?
Well, I’ll try to establish the varying degrees of gender dissimilarities to further clarify any remaining confusion. In fact, I’ll so far as to award points to the obvious gender victor so we can make this fair.
(Disclaimer: First of all, allow me to state the following information came to my attention via email and will be used for illustration purposes only and does not necessarily reflect the views of this writer. I, however, have taken liberties to make sure certain points weren’t missed.) Read on…
1)When eating out…Hillary, Buffy, Madonna and Dolly go out for lunch, and call each other Hillary, Buffy, Madonna and Dolly. But if Tom, Dick, Harry and Fabio go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut and Scrappy. You will find this phenomenon cascading through every sector of male society on the planet.
Personally, women don’t get it. Our nicknames for men are usually: Loverboy, Snookums, Pookie and on the flip side for terminal cases…Toxic Fumes.
No score until Mars explains the reason he’s called Peanut.
2)When men eat out and the bill arrives…Tom, Dick, Harry and Fabio will each throw a $20 on the table, even though the tab is $32.50. None of them claim to have anything smaller and not a single one of our testosterone counterparts will actually admit they need the change back.
When women get the bill, pocket calculators hit the table, unless they told the waitress in advance to make separate checks. Then after the bill is paid, lipstick is reapplied. What can I say, women excel in this area.
Venus scores!
3)When it comes to affairs of the wallet…A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs, meanwhile a woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need just because it's on sale, matches her sequenced handbag and looks great with her knock off designer shades.
Oh, and did I mention the aforementioned sale item is two sizes too small?
Okay Mars, you’ve scored one here.
4)Now let’s discuss the most sacred room in the home, the bathroom…A man has five items consisting of (and in no particular order) a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, soap on a rope, and a towel from his wild weekend at the Marriott in the Keys. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 345. Every single one of them absolutely essential (or purchased on sale) and men are unable to identify, recognize, or understand any of these items.
Mars need very little to survive, however, Venus needs only 345 of the basics.
It appears this is a tie as all items are considered essential.
5)Ah, now we
’ve reached the pinnacle aspect of any relationship, arguments…A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Never has a truer statement been made.
Sorry Mars, but I just can’t think of anything to add on your behalf or it’d start another argument.
Venus scores!
6)Now fast forward to the future…A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, a Mercedes and a pool boy in cowboy boots with a six pack. (Oops, that’s me!) A man, however, never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Wellll, that’s only because he worries about leaving her: 3.5 offspring, two prized pooches, plenty of life insurance, stock options and a separate ‘pool upkeep’ account in the event of his untimely demise.
See and you thought something sinister was going on. Gosh, a good man provides for his family, wouldn’t you agree?
Score one for Mars this time!
We’ll continue this later, but it looks like two for Mars and two for Venus so far. We’ll know more after all the tallies are in next week. Stay tuned.
Can you imagine…if Mars and Venus ever completely understand each other?
Mars vs. Venus, Part II
Column #92 4-10-08
Last week we were discussing the wonderfully profound differences between the sexes. Simultaneously, we’re having a friendly competition to determine which gender is the ultimate, all-time,