The Gourmet's Ultimate Guide to Food
By
“Gaston and Louis”
rev 1
For Donna & Dianne
Copyright Gary E. Miller, & Lenny Everson 2014
Cover design by Lenny Everson
****
Note
Gaston was Channeled by Gary Miller [G/M]
Louis was Channeled by Lenny Everson [L/E]
The authors have foolishly ignored existing historical battle scenes for their comments on food and drink, a case of too many chefs and not enough First Nations people. Their descriptions of edibles and potables are subjective... not objectionable.
Louis once led the world in gastronomy, until Gaston mustard the strength to ketchup to him.
These two learned much in their lives, especially about leftovers. Those, said Gaston, who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it. Or as the leftover pasta replied, "Curses, foiled again." Thus they preferred fresh food from the farmer's market, Louis keeping his eyes peeled for potatoes and Gaston slipping through bunches of bananas.
They met their sad end one evening when a rival chef invited them to a donner party. They assumed it was a typo….
Readers are free to disagree with the authors' opinions, but preferably in limerick form.
****
There's a drink called a piña colada
Made with rum and soon after you've had a
Single one – what a feeling:
And a second, you're reeling;
A third one and everything's nada.
[G/M]
A food that most breakfasters can take
Is the round and flat, light, soft pancake;
Drenched in syrup and butter,
It makes taste buds flutter;
It's the best thing a morning cook can make.
[G/M]
It is time to praise mom's chicken soup;
It's a sure cure for colds or the croup,
But it won't help with mumps
Or when you're in the dumps
Or most ills that knock you for a loop.
[G/M]
The praise for that seafood, clam chowder
Grows deservedly louder and louder;
No's a word you can't say to
That sauce and potato,
While the chef becomes prouder and prouder.
[G/M]
It's a lemon on steroids, bright yellow;
Inside, pink or pale and not mellow;
It is bitter and sour,
Its taste makes me cower-–
The grapefruit is not for this fellow.
[G/M]
The potato has such great variety
We treat it with a kind of piety:
Mashed, scalloped, baked, fried,
we're always satisfied
To eat to a state of satiety.
[G/M]
The praise that is lavished on carrots
May be more than this vegetable merits;
Its colour is pretty,
but it's a great pity
It's not used to feed famished parrots.
[G/M]
Vegetarians may boast quite cockily
Of the health benefits of their broccoli,
But they give me a pain;
From their food I'll abstain
And I mention it only quite mockily.
[G/M]
Cauliflower, cooked up or served raw,
Is a veggie best kept from your maw;
I view it with dolour;
It's broccoli sans colour
And. like it, a taste that is blaw.
[G/M]
Even though they are very nutritious,
Lima beans should be served in small dishes;
While their content is good,
They're a dry, sandy food
And their taste anything but delicious.
[G/M]
Caviar is an expensive dish
Which you're free to consume, if you wish,
But it seems strange to me
'Cuz this delicacy
Is simply the eggs of a fish.
[G/M]
Some snobs feel that there's nothing meaner
Than the lowly but versatile weiner,
But it's only hellish
Without mustard or relish
To make it taste even much keener.
[G/M]
Dieticians decry the hot dog
Because arteries it may well clog,
But one won't cause alarm
And should do you no harm;
More than one, though, and you are a hog.
[G/M]
Of all condiments, jalopeno
Is my favourite, though it is green, so
The unwary have learned,
After they have been burned,
Food, though it's not red, can be keen too.
[G/M]
If a chef uses plenty of curry
He need never have a doubt or worry
That I'll find his food edible
For this spice is incredible;
I gobble it down in a hurry.
[G/M]
Fish and chips is an old piscine treat
Which most people are eager to eat;
Of course it is faulty:
It's too greasy and salty,
But with tastiness it is replete.
[G/M]
How can anyone dislike spaghetti?
To do so is foolish and petty;
With meat sauce, if you please,
And lots of grated cheese
Scattered on it like wedding confetti.
[G/M]
My enjoyment of well-cooked pork chops
Is a pleasure-which time never stops;
As I savour each bite
I'm amazed such delight
Can come from a pig which eats slops.
[G/M]
It is good for you, I have no doubt;
I am talking about sauerkraut,
But I don't like the smell
Nor the flavour as well.
Does that make me a great gourmet lout?
[G/M]
Jambalaya's a food that is Cajun;
With hot spices like fire it is ragin';
It quickens the blood
And every taste bud
Feels like a wild war it is wagin'.
[G/M]
Whether you are Dane, Chinese, or Prussian,
You'll like beef Stroganoff, which sounds Russian.
There s a simply routine
To show what I mean:
A forkful, open mouth, and then push in.
[G/M]
I think I am fond of fondue;
Cheese or chocolate, either will do;
It's fun to do dipping
And pull it out dripping,
And I love anything that's all goo.
[G/M]
A meal's not a meal without bread
Or some fresh rolls or soft buns instead,
Whether whole wheat or white –
The taste is just right –
And a diner ends feeling well-fed.
[G/M]
Like a child, I just love jelly beans,
Whether reds, blacks, or yellows or greens;
They're sweet and they're gooey;
I eat them and cry "Whooey:"
I feel I'm again in my teens.
[G/M]
Rice pudding gives some people thrills,
Though it looks like glue filled with small pills.
Can it cure diarrhea?
It's sure no panac
ea
For any of our human ills.
[G/M]
Nothing beats a great big chocolate sundae;
When I have one, it's always a fun-day.
But if I indulge
Calories cause a big bulge,
So I'll fast from Sunday until Monday.
[G/M]
There's a French dish. that's called crepe Suzette
Which a gourmet is happy to get;
Orange-flavoured, with brandy,
It would be just dandy –
But the brandy's burned off, I regret.
[G/M]
A versatile drink is hot coffee;
It's the day's strophe and antistrophe;
With cream, sugar, or black,
What a punch it can pack;
Your palate will say: It's good – awfully.
[G/M]
How can anyone show his disdain
Towards a bottle of fine French champagne?
It's enjoyable doubly
Because it's so bubbly,
Though the next day your head may feel pain.
[G/M]
It is better to serve a martini
In a glass that is not large but teeny
For the gin and vermouth
Make some drinkers uncouth
And they begin to act most obscenely.
[G/M]
Poor authors like Dickens and Thackeray
Never got to taste even one daquiri
Because it was created
After their time – post-dated –
Did Fate do this as a cruel mockery?
[G/M]
There's a Newfoundland drink known as screech
Against which, no doubt, puritans preach;
It's a most potent rum
Which soon leaves drinkers numb;
Moderation is what it will teach.
[G/M]
Should I order those pub-room fries?
I know the menu picture lies!
Gawd, I'm a fool
They're soggy and cool
When am I ever gonna get wise?
[L/E]
I wanna be a pamphleteer
Telling people about the wonders of beer
Though I may fall down
Just walking around
Like any drunk, I'll be sincere
[L/E]
Nothing, I say, could be fina
Than getting apples shipped from China
But at least this poem
Was made here at home
I can tell because I can't find a rhyme though I'm tryna
[L/E]
Those who live in cabanas
Look natural eating bananas
It may seem queer
But me, I always fear
I'm involved in some transgression of mannas
[L/E]
I was going to claim John Belushi
Died from eating too much sushi
But one just might get sued
Just for slandering food
At least, that's my escushi
[L/E]
If the devil offers you an apple
Don’t resist, argue, or grapple
Swallow it down
While he’s still around
Then run right off to a chapel.
[L/E]
I gave my wife an avocado
You'd think she found el dorado
Me, I think
I'd prefer a drink
Perhaps a cask of amontillado
[L/E]
May I present the wondrous pear
Shaped like your spouse over there
She's got a heck of a seat
But you think she's sweet
And when the lights are out you don't really care
[L/E]
I relate the lesson of the peach,
A fruit with a story to teach;
It does what it does
Still covered with fuzz
As we – ah, but I preach
[L/E]
Listen, friends, for I'm
Gonna declare that this fruit is a crime
True, what could be duller
Than a fruit named after a color
But mostly an orange is a dastardly fruit that won't rhyme
[L/E]
Ah, the wonderful sweet taste
Of things that swim in their own waste
Even Humphery Bogurt
Was a big fan of yogurt
And its benefits he cheerfully embraced
[L/E]
Lord help the dried-fruit apricot
Looks like a turd, orange and squat
Tastes not as bad
As some fruits I’ve had
But I really don’t buy them a lot
[L/E]
When I hear the word mayonnaise
I see French girls rolling in hays
I cherish the wiggle
I cherish the giggle
And I cherish… I'm trying to remember the phrase
[L/E]
For breakfast I rather like wine
And a bottle or two when I dine
I don't think that I'll
Ever be an oenophile
If I keep drinking it out of a stein
[L/E]
Hot and sour soup, it's been said
Will keep one happily fed
Eat it now
With Chinese chow
You're not going to get it when you're dead
[L/E]
If you’ve been lost a month in a boat
You’ll appreciate the taste of an oat
Meal porridge
Brought out from storage
And even get the stuff down your throat
[L/E]
There's nothing wrong with a plum
It can keep you from getting to glum
Just keep it handy
In a bottle of brandy
And soon I'll be over for some
[L/E]
Some diners seem to have a habit,
When they see salad, quickly to grab it;
Lettuce, carrots, and such
Are really too much –
Unless, of course, you are a rabbit,
[G/M]
We are told we should eat lots of spinach
For the vitamins, minerals in each
Mouthful, but how good
If there were other food,
Better-tasting, just as vitamin-rich.
[G/M]
After dinner, a snifter of brandy
(Or in any glass you may find handy),
No matter what blend
Is a perfect meal's end,
While a second glass is much more dandy.
[G/M]
The Lees invite me for dinner; I don't mind
Because I'm royally fed and wined
But I'm always hopeful
The fruit salad isn't canteloupeful
Because they never take off the rind
[L/E]
There's a rather testicular shape
To a common Chilean grape
But I prefer to get demented
By the ones fermented
Then climb out the fire escape
[L/E]
Sure, I'm gonna hafta develop a taste for stewed prune
In later life, the darn stuff's a boon
But when I look in that bowl;
Right down to my soul
I just hope that day's not coming real soon
[L/E]
One could celebrate the raisin
It's ugly, but deserves some praisin
Just don't say that
It resembles toad scat
That would be todally inappropriate phrasin'
[L/E]
Is there anything better than shrimp,
A seafood on which you don't scrimp,
Dipped in a tangy sauce?
; Refuse them--your loss,
And as gastronome you are a wimp.
[G/M]
I love haggis. No, really, I do.
Its ingredients sound bad, it's true:
Barley, tatty, and neap,
Cooked in stomach of sheep –
But washed down with a strong Scottish brew.
[G/M]
A large slice of warm apple pie
Is dessert for this gluttonous guy,
Made better by cinnamon
Or a big scoop of ice cream on
The crust. For this treat I would die.
[G/M]
I'm ambivalent about a nectarine
Something's been done to its gene
I've tried to do some reading
On just how cross is "cross breeding"
Because I don't want to get really mean
[L/E]
I wonder, by all that is holy,
Who created the first guacamole;
From its name it's a dish
That is likely Spanish.
When I eat it, should I cry out "Olé:"?
[G/M]
Not in Italy but the U. S.
Beloved pizza was born, so I guess
That it is only rational,
Since it's so international,
To serve it world-wide, more or less.
[G/M]
Chow mein is a dish from far China
Pleasing the taste buds of every dinah;
Eaten in full sobriety
Or drunk, its variety
Makes folks say that there's no food finah.
[G/M]
I got old – life's a fink
Chamomile's all I can drink
A bag of seeds
Tasting like weeds
The gods meant for some damn bobolink
[L/E]