The Lake
Originally published by Foil Co., Ltd., in Japanese, as Mizuumi
© 2005 by Banana Yoshimoto
Translation © 2011 by Michael Emmerich
First Melville House printing: April 2011
Melville House Publishing
145 Plymouth Street
Brooklyn, NY 11201
www.mhpbooks.com
The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:
Yoshimoto, Banana, 1964-
[Mizuumi. English]
The lake / by Banana Yoshimoto ; translated by Michael Emmerich.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-1-935554-69-1
I. Emmerich, Michael. II. Title.
PL865.O7138M5913 2011
895.6′35–dc22
2011006711
v3.1
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
First Page
The first time Nakajima stayed over, I dreamed of my dead mom.
Maybe it was having him in the room that did it, after having been alone so long.
I hadn’t slept next to anyone since my dad and I stayed in my mom’s hospital room.
I kept waking up and then, relieved that she hadn’t stopped breathing, going back to sleep. The floor was dustier than you’d expect in a hospital, and I lay staring at a ball of lint that was always in exactly the same place. I didn’t sleep well, and whenever I drifted into wakefulness I would hear the footsteps of nurses moving down the hallway. And it occurred to me that I was surrounded by people who could die at any minute, and in some odd way their presence made me feel more at ease here, in the hospital, than I did outside.
When things get really bad, you take comfort in the placeness of a place.
I hadn’t dreamed of my mom since she died.
Or rather, sometimes she would appear in disconnected fragments of dream as I drifted off to sleep, but until that night she had never been there so clearly or for so long. Somehow I had the feeling, when I awoke, that I had been with her again, for real, after a very long separation.
That’s an odd thing to say about someone who’s dead, but that’s how it felt.
You could almost say my mom had two different faces. Two selves that came and went inside her, went and came, like distinct personalities.
One was sociable and upbeat, a woman of the world who lived in the moment and seemed like a really cool person to be around; the other was extremely delicate, like a big, soft flower nodding gently on its stem, looking as if the slightest breeze would scatter its petals.
The flowerlike side wasn’t easy to recognize, and my mom, always eager to please, tried hard to cultivate the feisty, easygoing side of her personality. Watering it, rather than the flower, with lots of love, fertilizing it with people’s approval.
My mom wasn’t married to my dad when she had me.
My dad was the president of a small import-export company in a large town on the outskirts of Tokyo, and my mom was the reasonably beautiful owner, the “Mama-san,” of a ritzy club in the entertainment district of that same town.
One night, a business associate invited my dad out drinking and took him to my mom’s club. My dad fell for my mom the moment he set eyes on her. She had a good feeling about him, too. When it came time to close up shop, they went to a Korean restaurant and ordered all sorts of dishes, laughing like crazy and having a ball, sharing their food like old friends. My dad went back to the club the next night, and the next, and so on, even when it had snowed—he went so often that in two months they were a couple. Considering how they met, two months seems like a pretty long time. That’s what makes it seem like the real thing.
They always gave the same answer when I asked what made them laugh so hard.
“Because it was a restaurant with no Japanese customers, just a place we’d stumbled across, wandering around in the middle of the night. And since we couldn’t read the menu, we ended up ordering a whole bunch of things at random, and the waiter kept carting out one dish after another, foods we didn’t recognize at all, some of them incredibly spicy, and the portions were much bigger than we had expected … it was hilarious.”
I don’t buy it, though.
I think they were just so happy to be sitting across the table from each other that night that the excitement made them giddy. I’m sure they had to endure all kinds of social pressure, but in front of me they were always very sweet to each other. They used to quarrel all the time, it’s true, but even that was kind of cute—like little kids having an argument.
My mom really wanted a baby, and she got pregnant with me immediately; but even then my parents never officially married. It wasn’t the usual story, though. My dad didn’t already have a wife and family, and he doesn’t have anyone else now.
His relatives were the problem. They were dead set against the union, and my dad didn’t want to drag my mom into a fight. So I grew up as an acknowledged but illegitimate child.
You hear a lot of talk about families like ours. In the end, though, my dad was home more than he was away, and I wasn’t miserable at all.
Except for being totally sick of that environment.
Sick of the town, sick of the situation, sick of everything. I was dying to get away from it all. I could almost convince myself it was a good thing my mom had died, because now I would never, ever have to go back there. Except for the fact that I no longer saw my dad as much as I used to, I didn’t regret anything. He had already sold the apartment where my mom and I used to live, to keep it from becoming the epicenter of an all-out dogfight among his relatives, and he’d put the money in my bank account. I felt like I was being awarded damages for her death or something, and I didn’t like that; but on the other hand, the cash was my inheritance from her. And that was all I needed to be free. There was nothing left in my old hometown now to show that I had ever been there. I couldn’t say that made me sad, though.
Take my mom’s club, for instance: When you went in during the daytime, the place looked dark and a little dingy, and it stank faintly of alcohol and cigarettes. I felt utterly, totally blank there. And when my mom’s flashy outfits came back from the cleaners and I saw them in the daylight, they seemed so cheap and flimsy it was pathetic.
All those emotions, balled up, were how I felt about the town.
It’s no different, even now that I’m going on thirty.
Last time I saw my dad, he stared at me with moist eyes.
I’ve come to resemble her.
“It’s such a waste—the best times of our life were still to come. We were looking forward to old age, relaxing, traveling together. We were planning to go on a round-the-world cruise. If I’d known things would end this way, we could have gone and done all that stuff instead of making excuses about my job, about how your mother couldn’t spare the time, couldn’t afford to leave the club.”
I’m sure my dad must have played around when he was younger, since he could hold his liquor and loved to socialize, but as far as I know he was never seriously involved with another woman after he and my mom got together.
My dad has this notion that he has to come across as a playboy, and even though he tries to act the role, it’s obvious that it’s just a pose. He’s the sort of guy who looks like a dweeb no matter what he does—and what’s more, he’s the perfect image of a balding, middle-aged hick. There’s nothing even remotely sexy about him. He’s totally uncool. So earnest that a real, bona-fide playboy would burst out laughing at the sight of him.
At heart my dad is an uncomplicated guy, but his position, the need to take over his father’s business, put a lot of strain on him, and he never seems to have felt any desire to break out of that. So he’s muddled through life, going
through the motions, doing whatever it takes to fit into a recognizable mold. The son of a rich, land-owning family. The president of an import-export company in a provincial town. That, at any rate, is my take on him.
I guess my mom was all he had—the one flower that smelled like freedom.
He was careful never to let outside business intrude on the spaces he shared with my mom. He made it seem like the man he was at home was who he really wanted to be. Whenever he came to spend time with us, he threw himself into household tasks: fixing the roof, puttering in the garden, going out to eat with my mom, checking my homework, tuning up my bike.
My parents never even considered leaving town to try and find a lifestyle that was actually their own. Because being there together, hemmed in—that was their way of life.
I think now my dad is afraid, more than anything, that I’ll abandon him.
He’s not really afraid. He just thinks about it, with a shiver.
He wonders if one day I’ll tell him: We never had the same family name anyway, so starting today, that’s how it’s going to be. I don’t want anything more to do with you.
Sometimes, for no reason, he puts money in my bank account or mails me food. I call to say thank you. His nervousness is palpable, radiating from the receiver.
I know what he’s thinking: We’re still father and daughter, right? Right?
I thank him, and I accept the money, but I’ve never told him in so many words that our relationship will go on like this, like a real family, because I don’t feel I need to. That’s not the kind of relationship we have: he’ll always be my dad, whatever anxieties the little prickings of his conscience may inspire in him, and even if I did try to abandon him.
Unlike my dad, I don’t have to worry about these things.
I wouldn’t be unwilling to lean on him for support if the need arose, but at the same time I know that if I let him give me anything too solid, too permanent, certain people out there who are driven by a jealousy and a desire I can’t fathom would come swooping in around me, eager to inspect it. It’s totally clear to me that all they’re after are the pleasures of voyeurism, but still it’d be a pain in the ass to have to deal with them.
Everything that tied me to my hometown was a pain. The less of it the better.
I know my parents had their own ideas, but from my perspective their feet were shackled and the chains bound them to my hometown.
All my life, I cherished the possibility of escape. I worried that if I started going out with a guy and somehow botched things up and fell seriously in love, if we ended up having a splendid wedding in some hotel in town—or even worse, if I happened to get pregnant!—well, that would be the end of everything. So while my classmates thrilled over their puppy loves and fantasized about getting married, I held myself back. Before I did anything, I considered the possible consequences. And as soon as I graduated from high school, on the pretext of attending an art school in Tokyo, I made my getaway. I left home.
My body knew. It sensed the discrimination, subtle but real, all around me.
Sure, she’s the daughter of a prominent local figure, but c’mon—he knocked up the Mama-san of a bar, right? That’s the kind of girl she is. The feeling oppressed me, squeezing all the more tightly because I knew it was only in this city, nowhere else, that my dad mattered.
When I came to Tokyo and became an ordinary art school student, just like everyone else, I felt so free and light I thought I’d float up into the air.
I remember how I felt when my father’s relatives came to see my mom laid out in her coffin, everyone overcome with curiosity, fascinated by her, jealous of her, putting on a show in their obligatory black mourning suits and dresses and kimono, all made up in their phony solemnity, their faces full of grief but their eyes shining, biting into her … I wanted to strip and dance naked in front of them, because maybe then I could have demolished the fake, slimy atmosphere they had created. As long as I live, I’ll never forget that feeling.
But the mourners’ dirty stares couldn’t touch my mom’s body: her corpse was eased into the flames and made pure. I hadn’t realized her cremation would bring me such relief. I could see that their curiosity was perfectly well satisfied by the clothes my mom was wearing, by her ordinary good looks, and by the intensity with which my dad had prepared a funeral that was, in the end, magnificent, and for which no expense had been spared.
It was my duty to lead the ceremony, so I made a speech, I smiled at people, and every so often I shed a tear and dabbed at it, just for show; but inside, I was raging, quivering with a sense of indignation that I couldn’t communicate to anyone.
My fury was lofty, pure, cool. It was an emotion that none of these people, struggling so hard to impose a shape on a life when life has no shape, could begin to understand.
I was grateful, though, despite everything, when one middle-aged woman who lived nearby and my mom’s few friends reached out to me; I had some good moments with them, and we shared a few cups of steaming tea. Everything in life has some good in it. And when something awful happens, the goodness stands out even more—it’s sad, but that’s the truth. The women didn’t have to say it, because their eyes did: We know, darling, we know you’re hurting.
And yet … when I saw my dad clinging to the coffin, sobbing and wailing, I knew that I had gotten the short end of the stick in all this. My dad wasn’t paying the slightest attention to anyone but her, and here I was getting miffed about things that were totally pointless.
Standing there, a witness to the end of the century’s greatest romance (even if my parents were the only ones who saw it that way), I was just a little girl, trembling at the death of a parent. Of course, maybe that’s only to be expected. A husband is different from a daughter.
At any rate … when my mom appeared in my dream that night, it was the flowerlike her, not the other one.
The mom I really wanted to see, who seemed to be peeking out bashfully from underneath an umbrella of thin, fluttering petals.
She spoke to me. We were in the hospital room where she had lived out her last days. She hadn’t sat up in the longest time, so when I saw her doing that in my dream, leaning against the headboard, I couldn’t help feeling nostalgic.
A breeze blew in through the open window, making the sunlight churn brilliantly in the air, and in her pink pajamas my mom looked just like a high school girl on an overnight class trip. She was enveloped in a sort of beautiful haze. The flowers her visitors had brought seemed like they were about to dissolve into her light.
She was too dazzling to look at straight on, so I fixed my gaze on the film of dust that had accumulated on the windowsill.
My mom spoke to me.
“You know, Chihiro, darling—all it takes is one little wrong step and you end up feeling frustrated your whole life, like me. If you’re always angry, always yelling at people, ultimately that just means you depend on them.”
I know, I thought, I know. You weren’t really the sort to nag at people, to fawn over your regular customers to protect your business, or to snap at Dad over the phone when he was too busy to come see us; you weren’t the kind of person to grumble, at such times, What right do I have to complain? I’m just your partner, after all, not a real wife. Your outlook wasn’t so jaded … the truth is, Mom, you weren’t even a wildflower blooming in a field, as they say, you were such an extraordinarily delicate, transparent person that, if anything, you were like a blossom softly unfurling its petals on a cliff somewhere, so high that no one ever came your way, no one but birds and deer … I know, I thought, I know.
Dad knew, too. He understood, the best he could, and watched over you.
Because when you were relaxing with him, you always looked like a little girl. You were like children, both of you. Only society, the world at large, wouldn’t let you be.
I guess you just lacked the courage, the guts to strike out on your own. And so when it all came to an end, you were still living that way, a life you never meant
to be anything more than a stopgap, filling in for the real thing.
These were all just thoughts running through my mind, but of course these things are easy in dreams. My mom nodded. And then she continued.
“I didn’t want things to be that way. I never really liked makeup, either. I hated the idea of having plastic surgery done so I’d look young again, I was terrified of the surgeon, and I was frightened of seeing people there, at the surgeon’s, who wanted to be beautiful. In one way or another, I was always in pain, always scared. But when people told me I should do something, I started to think that maybe I had to, and so I would—it was as simple as that. And once I’d done it, it was done, and I had to cover up how scared it made me, so I’d turn it all into a joke, even though deep down inside my heart was aching.
“Of course I didn’t want to be always griping at your dad. But I worried constantly that he might drift away from me, so I clung to him as hard as I could. I knew there were other ways, besides anger, to show what I was feeling, but the anger just came. Somehow I’d ended up on this path, instead of some other, and it turned out that on this path there was no turning back. Being anxious only made me more anxious, and play-acting got a better response, so that was how it had to be. I couldn’t stop myself. In the end, I died before anything could change.
“But you know, Chihiro, from where I am now I can look out over it all, and I understand much better, I understand a lot. I see so clearly now that a lot of what happened—it’s not that I’m regretting those things, it’s not that—but I didn’t really need to worry so much,” my mom said. “You see what I mean?”
From where I am now … Is it heaven? Is heaven real, then? I thought.
My mom smiled vaguely. And she went on.
“I was frightened of so many things, in my vanity, that ultimately I couldn’t protect myself any other way. Try not to be like that, okay? Be sure to keep your tummy warm, try to relax, both your heart and your body, try not to get flustered. Live like a flower. You have that right. It’s something you can achieve, for sure, in your lifetime. And that’s enough.”