The Silence Between Moonbeams
By Sarah Doughty
Copyright 2016 Sarah Doughty
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination or are use fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
All Rights Reserved
Original Poem Attributions:
Playground - Medium: Crossing Genres
We Were Infinity - Medium: Crossing Genres; Eyes + Words titled as We Were
Cover design: Sarah Doughty. Cover image copyright Sheswideawake.
Interior image (full moon) copyright Jeff Doughty.
Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this ebook, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.
https://www.sarahdoughty.com
Table Of Contents
Dedication
Introduction
Prelude
Poems I
Interlude
Poems II
Thank You Message
About The Author
Discover Other Titles
Connect With The Author
Acknowledgments
Dedication
For my amazing supporters and giveaway winners, Addison of @eloquenceofwords; Jacqueline Bird; Cherry of @__got2haveit; for Drishti, from Rohit; Jim of @unbuttoned_denims; Iqra of @thxtm_girl; Mah of @emotionally.inconstant; Sam Azura Mirza of @s.a.m.irza; and Uzair Mohammed of @uzair_cr_1071 — thank you.
Introduction:
Full Moon
For someone like me, the sheer existence of the moon is something to appreciate. In fact, many behold the moon with extreme significance because they see her as a spiritual essence and a way to connect with the universe.
The moon is one of those infinite beauties, glowing in its pale blue light, that I'll never grow tired of seeing. She's seen it all — my life. The bad, the good. And she's my constant. Of all the things that have and will come and go, and despite my fear of the night, she remains. On the plus side, her light doesn't hurt my eyes when I look up at her.
Even though I'm in constant pain and anguish, I will always be one of those people that look upon her face with a smile in my heart.
Raymond Carver wrote something in an anthology called What We Talk About When We Talk About Love that I would like to share with you:
"I could hear my heart beating. I could hear everyone’s heart. I could hear the human noise we sat there making, not one of us moved, not even when the room went dark."
There was something about that line, that last line of a story that stuck with me. Every reader has felt it.
It was that breath you take right after finishing the last line, or when you've seen the screen go black just before the credits roll. It's that moment when you know you've reached the end of something meaningful, when a sense of peace washes over you.
I haven't known peace like that in a very long time.
Though this chapbook probably won't have that effect on you, I hope it does. Someone should be able to feel it.
The Girl That Lost Everything
**Trigger Warning**
For those of you with PTSD stemming from abuse, proceed reading this introduction with caution.
When I was young, my innocence was stolen. Not once, not twice, but every night. Every night we were under the same roof until I reached my teens.
Though luckily, after I was about eight, he left my mother and I was only subjected to the physical parts of his abuse when I saw him on weekends.
He was my first kiss, my first glimpse at a man's desire. He was my first everything while I was only a toddler. I still hold all that tension from the way he would force himself into my mouth and my body.
I have nightmares when I dream, and I relive each moment with him, like they just happened. I remember the torture. I remember all the things he said to me.
Everything he said in those long nights beneath the moonlight were meant to cut me down. He made me believe in everything he said. And I believed every word of it.
I am nothing. I'll never be anything. Never have talent. Never be loved. I would forever be his.
His threats were carefully constructed so I would never speak of them to anyone. Not just for fear of what he'd do to me, but what he would do to the people I loved.
Every night, he took his time, first with his fists, and then his lust. After a while, I tried to be what he wanted, as if wanting him might spare me some pain.
It's hard to quantify the amount of guilt I have over my actions. But I lacked any other way to protect myself. It was my only option.
Sometimes it worked and the pain was less, but mostly, it failed. And every night I endured, even though it was often that I hoped he wouldn't let me live.
But I survived. And I have no choice but to live with what happened.
He's been dead over ten years, and I still can't push him out of my mind. I don't just suffer from debilitating migraines, constant headaches, depression, and anxiety so bad I can't sleep or be out of my house at night, I have what is called Complex PTSD.
This is the result of being raised to fear someone who should have been my protector. This is the result of all that trauma. Over a decade of the worst of the imaginable, and nearly another filled with whatever he could take from me before his death.
Every day, I try to overcome it. I push back and do things I was assured I could never accomplish.
I have a husband and son that love me more than words can express.
And I have this.
Writing.
Words.
I don't just love to write. I need to. Every day, I get out of bed, even though I want nothing more than to stare at the ceiling. I want to prove him wrong.
So that's what I do. That's what I will always do. Even though chances are I'll never be a normal person — functional, unafraid, and capable — at least I can say I've proved him wrong.
With every word I write, I take his power away.
He didn't ruin me completely. Slowly, I'm taking back what he stole from me. I can't take my childhood back. I can't think back without finding something tainted by him. But I keep going. And for that, he didn't win.
That's why I'll never stop.
Stardust I
The twinkling stars combined with the moon's soft blue glow is nothing short of beautiful. Look up at the skies on those clear, crisp autumn nights. Smell the wood smoke in the air and watch leaves turn fiery. You'll feel it too. If you look closely enough, you can see the freckles of your own stardust reflected back at you.
Constellations
Infinite
constellations
swirl within my eyes.
Why can’t you
see them?
See me?
I See
When I look into your eyes,
I don't just see constellations
and stardust. I see time —
the past, present, and future
written within them.
I see poetry.
Supernova
Your tongue moved
in time with your body,
increasing the tempo
of my pulsating heart.
I didn't just see stars
behind my eyes.
They went supernova.
Look Up
Look up and take a look into the clear night sk
y. Can you see the twinkling stars billions of miles away? Feel that bitter chill on the breeze, winter coming in your bones? Can you feel me there? Look up. I’m right next to you, gazing at the same starlight, feeling the same chill. The same pull of time. I’m right there, and yet you don’t know. Because I am those things. I am there. In space, the air, I'm in your bones. Look up. I’m there, even though you don’t know it. You’re not alone. Never alone. Look up. Can you see me? I’m everywhere. You just need to see me. And know you’ll be alright. Look up.
Drift Away
Blanket me in stardust
and let me drift away
with nothing to hold me back.
Not even gravity.
Photosynthesized
That black rose
opening at midnight,
photosynthesized
by the moon,
is me.
Shooting Stars
We were fated
like shooting stars
with a gravitational pull
always meant to collide.
Night Drive
My dreams took me on a night drive, with the moon's glow shining from above and thousands of fireflies surrounding me. I thought they were starbursts passing through my outstretched fingers. When I awoke, it was with a smile.
Galaxy
It's so much harder trying to fit in. To make people think you're okay, when you're anything but. Yet, the hurt grips us. The pain of love lost, trust broken, and time wasted, just trying to live. We're just existing in this galaxy, within an infinite universe. If we were gone, who would notice?
Would anyone care?
Illuminated
Stars twinkling, dancing together like fireflies, illuminate the night in a hazy pink light from a far off place. Vivid and real, touchable and infinite. Nights of beauty, lost in time and space.
What Can I Do?
What can I do when the darkness of oblivion surrounds me, when not even the stars or the moon can penetrate its inky surface that coats me like oil? When I am trapped, all I have left is my mind and the demons that linger, whispering to me. I rage against that darkness, and fight with everything I am. My fingers begin bleeding with ink. Then I begin to see those infinite twinkling stars, and watch as those soothing moonbeams wash it all away. That is the power of the universe, the power of words and imagination. That, my friends, is when I find the light.
Remember
Remember all those nights you looked at the moon and asked if your world would be alright? Even though you heard silence, she answered with her warm smile.
Her Peace
There’s something about gazing into the infinite expanse of the sea. But not just anytime. There’s a magic in the dark of night with gentle waves illuminated by a full moon. It’s a feeling of going home, when the eyes focus on that little strip of light, fading off into the distance. That’s the power of the pale blue glow of the moon shining on the waves. Whenever you feel lost, just look at her beautiful face in the sky and what she illuminates beneath her. If you’re lucky enough to look out into the ocean at the same time, you’ll know what peace feels like.
Nebulae
I fell into the crescent
of your arms,
you bathed me in stars,
and we slept atop
nebulae in our
luminescent dreams.
Zodiac
We were a zodiac
written in the stars
and I felt it through
every cell in my body.
It was like we were
made for each other.
Dance Some More
When we’re together,
nothing else matters
but the music in our hearts
and the laughter in our souls.
Let’s paint the stars
with our fingertips,
build our homes of poetry,
and then dance some more.
Canvas
The universe is my canvas
and I paint the stars
with the shattered remains
of my broken soul.
Stardust II
Twinkling stardust
reflected from the glassy
surface of your eyes
and shimmered up at the
pale blue moon.
It Is Written
The past isn’t just
written in the stars,
it’s written in our souls.
Collector
He collected hearts
like galaxies gathered lost
planets, moons, and stars.
Burning Twilight
Life fades like the setting sun, burning for a fleeting moment before bleeding away into night. Living forever in twilight with a full moon always at your back, sounds like heaven to me. Run free, feel the wind upon your face, and never forget to howl at the moon.
In Your Eyes
I saw stars
in your eyes
every time
and I knew
I never wanted
to look away.
Luminance
Paint my dreams with starshine
and we'll dance with constellations
until the sun's luminance awakens us.
Bared And Shrouded
Strip me down,
bleach my bones,
and let the moon
be my shroud.
Interlude:
Moonbeams