The Tao of Hoik Ptui
Eulis S. Morgan
Copy 2011 Eulis S. Morgan
Cover Art by Candida Morris
TABLE OF CONTENTS
WELCOME
OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS ~~~~~~ LEARNING DISABLED EPIDEMIC
HITTING A FLAT NOTE
SAY IT LOUD. I'M THE L WORD AND I'M PROUD! ~~~~~~ DIETRIBE
BEST POPE EVER ~~~~~~ KING KONG'S SHORTCOMINGS
THUG JESUS ~~~~~~ PASS THIS ON ~~~~~~ CENSORSHIP
THE DEAD ~~~~~~ IN THE BAG ~~~~~~.SAVE YOUR BREATH
NOBODY DOES IT BETTER ~~~~~~ GIVEN WITH GREAT PLEASURE
FREE MIKE VICK ~~~~~~ GOOD HURT ~~~~~~ GO SONIA!
PRO CHOICE ROCKS! PRO LIFE SUCKS!
OUR SECOND AMENDMENT MADE EASY
WHEN THE MOMENT IS RIGHT ~~~~~~ KEEPING IT SHORT FOR THE USPS
AIR FORCE WHITE ~~~~~~ ULTIMATE CONSPIRACY
I AM NOT A RACIST ~~~~~~ AT LEAST HE CAN HOLD HIS LIQUOR
MEN, BE NOT CUTE ~~~~~~ AMERICA NEEDS BUMS
ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION ~~~~~~ ARE THE CHINESE COMING?
UNCLE SAM NEEDS OLD FARTS ~~~~~~ HARD TO TRACK
EPISCOPALIANS ROCK! ~~~~~~ GIVE TO CURE DEATH
UNEMPLOYED MARRIED MAN'S GUIDE TO SURVIVAL
THANK HEAVE FOR LITTLE GIRLS, YEAH RIGHT!
AGAINST THE CONSTITUTION ~~~~~~ RED ON BLACK
OBSERVING MLK JR DAY ~~~~~~ READING SHOULD BE FUNDAMENTAL
VIRTUE IN HARD WORK ~~~~~~ VERBOSE OBESITY
NICE GUYS REALLY DO FINISH LAST ~~~~~~ PRACTICE
BE A PROFILE-PHILE
TRY TO REMEMBER THIS KIND OF SEPTEMBER AND...
LIBERAL TRUMPS CONSERVATIVE ~~~~~~ JOYOUS MUSIC
LAST STRAW
EPILOG
WELCOME
My sweetie and I can be in the midst of an argument, and suddenly she'll want to know why I'm always trying to be funny. I don't agree that I'm always trying to be funny. I can think of several times when I have tried to be serious. Or was it merely that I came across as being serious because I failed to be funny? What if she's right? And if she's right, why am I always trying to be funny?
I shall use the Cartesian logic of Rene Descartes to figure out why I always try to be funny. It should work. Descartes started with “I THINK, THEREFORE I AM” and proved the existence of God. "I think, therefore I am" makes reasonably good sense, although, before reading that sentence, it had never occurred to me that I might not be. And do I really need to be capable of reason to be self aware? I assume that the lowly octopus (I ink, therefore I am) knows that it's not really a part of the sea floor into which it blends itself so perfectly. If I am part of the cosmic whole, do I really exist, or do I need some unique trait that separates me from the whole, rather like a skunk (I stink, therefore I am) in a perfume shop?
What about when I'm not thinking? Just today, I left work and drove home by the same route that I always take. I turned into my driveway without the slightest memory of what occurred during the miles between work and home. Did that lost road (I link, therefore I am) exist? Did I exist during that missing interval or at any time before the present?--which incidentally, just passed. I sense that some people go through their entire lives in a state of mental and emotional oblivion until, like the passengers of the Titanic (I sink, therefore I am), some catastrophe propels them into a higher state of awareness.
Is thought proof of my existence, or merely proof of the existence of thought? Can I exist without thought in the same way I can exist without playing the piano (I plink, therefore I am), or engaging in wild and crazy sex (I kink, therefore I am)? I can even exist without beer and soul food (I drink, therefore I yam). And now, I am, I think, at the solution. I don't try to be funny, but life is punny, and things just come out that way. I laugh, sometimes at the wrong times, but I wouldn't be... well... me... without a sense of humor. (I wink, therefore I am).
Much, but not all, of this book is an attempt to be funny, and I hope that you, Dear Reader, will forgive me if I'm not always funny, or I strike you as trying to be funny at the wrong times. Remember, it's all written in good old all American fun. (Hijinx, therefore I am!)
Incidently, this is my first ebook. If the feedback is positive, it may not be my last. Enjoy! ~~back to table of contents
OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS
With Dr. Kervorkian having been taken--unfortunately, in my opinion--out of circulation, people who feel the need to commit suicide must do it themselves or find somebody else to help do the job. This is where the War on Terror comes in. What we have here is a perfect of conjunction of a need, the people who want to kill themselves; and a means, people who want to kill them, of satisfying that need.
Nobody drafts terrorists, and the only reason I’m mad at terrorists is that they draft their victims. I’ve never heard of a victim of a terrorist who wanted to get blown up or get their head lopped off or whatever, but perhaps all we have here is a failure to communicate. What if the victims of terrorists were volunteers? All we have to do is get the Americans who want to die with dignity together with Osama Bin Laden's successor and everybody would be happy.
Compared to terminal cancer, stroke, heart attack, infection from bedsores, Alzheimer’s, Lou Gehrig’s, and a host of other 100% fatal but lingering ailments, getting blown up sounds like a pretty good deal. Instead of American, United, or Air Canad, fly Air Al Qaeda, and your pain is over. And there’s no religious roadblock, because it wouldn’t even be suicide. You're not blowing up the plane, they are. Maybe every millionth passenger would get 75 virgins or something as a promotion. Hell, if I were suicidal or afflicted with some terminal illness, I’d let Al Qaeda punch my ticket in exchange for 75 virgins on the other side.
The only downside is that I have a hard time thinking of any group that I consider more stupid than terrorists. With my luck, they’d blow me up and I’d live. Now that thought is terrifying.~~ back to table of contents
LEARNING DISABLED EPIDEMIC
If you find this article boring, it's not my writing, you're probably learning disabled. Having a learning disability doesn't mean that you're not smart. It just means you have a harder time proving that you're smart. I know because I'm a teacher. I see a lot of learning disabilities because I'm trained to recognize LD in young people. I don't see why LD should be less obvious in old people. As an example, I know that, relatively speaking, I'm not stupid. But the fact that I'm not a dumb as my relatives doesn't keep me from eating hot, as in spicy, food when I know I'll pay dearly for it later. That would seem to me the epitome of a learning disability.
I can think of a lot of learning disabilities: People who drink too much even though they know they're going to get a hangover the next day. Ugly guys who keep making passes at cute chicks because they saw an Oprah episode where Oprah said that cute chicks were approachable. How the hell would she know anyway!
Some people with learning disabilities don't even respond to immediate negative feedback. How about the idiots who keep putting money into the soda machine even when no soda comes out? Then they kick and bang the machine. By now they should have figured out that the machine doesn't give sodas or a shit. I once saw a guy in a fight who kept getting up after getting knocked down. Now there's a helluva learning disability. Of course he may have been knocked senseless with the 1st blow.
I think a lot of people who are classified with a learning disability aren't learning disabled at all, because they seem to have no problem using common sense. Who cares if numbers look funny to them or they get bored while reading "War and Peace". But nobody should get bored reading this article because it can't be my writing.~~ back to table of contents
HITTING A FLAT NOTE
I visited the Grand Canyon once and it was not a spiritual experienc
e for me. All I saw was a big hole in the ground. Well, not a hole, but rather a deep crack in Mother Earth. I felt dirty just looking at it. And what the hell is so grand about it? You can look way down. So what? The canyon is big, but so is the Sonora Desert. Stand on top of a mountain and you see all the way to forever in the Sonora Desert. However, you don’t, in general, hear people waxing eloquent about the spiritual experience of being in the Sonora Desert. That’s because, like an inverted mountain, the Grand Canyon changes radically in the vertical plane, while the Sonora Desert is mostly flat.
Any kind of flat terrain gets a bum deal because the first thing we want to do is plow it up or build something on it. Native Americans had been hanging out on the Great Plains for thousands of years, picking up buffalo chips and keeping the place pretty much as they found it. But as soon as the first white people saw the Great Plains, they said, “Let’s kill off those funny looking cows, exterminate the Indians, and plow that sucker up!” We’ll never know how beautiful the Great Plains used to be because now it’s nothing but the great wheat fields and cornfields. Back in the day, if you were standing on top of one of the Great Smokey