CHAPTER ONE
Jay’s fingers ran lazily through his dishevelled brown hair, catching unruly curls now and then. His emerald green eyes remained fixed on the horizon as he lay back, reminiscing on his bunk-bed. He recited the different names of snow in his head, names the locals had painstakingly tried to explain to him. There was powder snow, slush snow, dry snow, frost snow, even champagne snow. He couldn’t remember if there were others, but he had developed a healthy respect for the stuff nonetheless. Snow was beautiful yet treacherous, a blessing for some and a nuisance for others. But there was something else about snow which intrigued him. It covered everything without prejudice or preference. Everything became equal under snow’s all-encompassing veil.
He was glad that he had been persuaded to come to Norway - a beautiful country with beautiful people. And even though beer was somewhat expensive, Norway did have incomparable views over snow-filled ravines which stretched further than the eye could see. Snow was only punctuated by conifer trees and rugged, sculpture-like mountains which reached for the sky.
Jay baked slowly in front of the wood-burning stove and allowed his sumptuous duvet to entice him off in a daze again.
"Get up you lazy bastard!" Steve and Ben were back from their third attempt at snowboarding and brought half of the mountain's snow in with them. Jay shepherded them immediately out into the kitchen.
"It was great bud!.. And we even managed to stand up!" Ben grinned like a Cheshire cat as he extracted the last bottle of lager from the fridge, removing the cap in one swift movement against the fridge handle.
"Fancy going up to the Duchess tonight seeing as how it's our last night?" asked Steve with a hopeful look in his eye. Jay was tempted to say no but decided to accommodate Steve’s wishes, convincing himself that it would do him good to be sociable.
Jay took in the beauty of his surroundings for one last time as night time fell. He would probably never see such beauty again with his own eyes. He had, however, taken copious amounts of pictures with his camera like a true tourist. Jay mustered up what enthusiasm he could and put on his smartest clothes. This was not an easy task given the fact that almost everything he had brought with him was now dirty. Ben had experienced the same problem and stood in the kitchen looking like a well-dressed tramp. Ben was nonetheless dressed, for which Jay and Steve were very grateful. Once attired with coats and boots the threesome wandered up the freshly gritted path towards the low snow-clad entertainments building. Ben forced the frozen bar door open, inadvertently ejecting a couple of customers from their seats as he did so.
“I swear they are all Satanists in this country!” exclaimed Ben.
“No Ben.. they just use ‘Satan’ a lot when they swear.. But you’ve probably just heard it more than most” replied Jay with a wink.
The bar was packed with people. A smell of old socks and wet dogs mixed with a good portion of beer hung in the air. The ‘Duchess’ was serving food to a group of guests at a far table.
Jay grabbed Ben’s sleeve and whispered “Now.. be nice Ben.. We don’t want to get kicked out again” Jay turned towards the room of people “Got to pee.. it’s the cold weather you know”
Jay dodged between the tables and chairs in the direction of a toilet sign, pushing himself through two small swing doors into a dimly lit corridor.
“Oops.. sorry! I thought this was the gents” Jay peered back at the toilet sign as a dark-haired woman came towards him from the shadows.
“You are right.. but also wrong..” said the woman with an intriguing accent “..It’s a multi-sex toilet”
“Ah..” replied Jay “..that would probably be called ‘unisex’” Jay caught a glimpse of the woman’s face as she moved into the light. Her eyes reminded him of an Arabic princess; mystical and stunningly beautiful.
“Oh.. of course” she said smiling, and turned away towards the main room. Jay stood mesmerised by her long, slender legs, exquisitely contained within skin-tight jeans. He closed the toilet door and peed agitatedly. Why had he corrected her? He must’ve sounded like a pompous idiot.
Once seated again, Jay scanned the room systematically, looking for the mystical woman. He couldn’t see her anywhere. She seemed to have gone.
“What’s up mate? Frightened the Duchess is going to come up and whack you on the head?” asked Steve wryly.
The manageress was indeed a very daunting prospect for anybody to tangle with, let alone those who had been thrown out the previous evening for unruly behaviour. She was a robust lady in her best years with a bosom large enough to prevent tanks from entering the country should a war break out. But she had, after all, allowed them in again, so they presumed that she had forgiven them, or at least forgotten them.
“Va farn!” A sudden blast of noise at extreme high decibels invaded their ears. The Duchesses’ lips quivered irately as a tirade of Norwegian expletives exploded from her mouth before she resorted to using English. “What the hell you doing here again? I barred you last night!” A short, tense pause was followed by Steve rather nervously suggesting that they just couldn’t stay away from her ‘wonderful charms’. The Duchess stood like a fox over lame chickens, ready to kill if only it became interesting enough. Luckily for them she decided it wasn’t. She took their orders and left.
“You know.. I think I’ve met more charming Rottweilers” whispered Ben. The others laughed discretely, nodding in agreement and hoping they hadn’t been heard.
“Yes.. the only difference is that she wears lipstick.. but God that was close.. Imagine if we’d got kicked out again! Barred from the only pub here and there are no more beers at home.. ” Steve screwed his eyes tight and stared at Ben “..thanks to you Ben”
“What?” Ben feigned ignorance to Steve’s sarcasm.
The three friends discussed their hostess’ behaviour at length and reminisced about their previous weeks activities as their beers arrived. Jay paid as usual and, as usual, without grumbling.
“You do realise that not one of us has got laid on this trip?” commented Ben.
“Ben.. have you seen what we look like?” replied Jay “I think we could scare off anything vaguely resembling a female at fifty paces..” Jay stopped to think “But do you know what?”
“What?” asked Steve and Ben, rather uninterested in hearing further criticisms of their collective scoring performance.
“I’ve just had a sort of romantic encounter out by the loos” continued Jay.
“What do you mean sort of?” asked Steve excitedly.
“With a fella.. or by yourself.. you pervert?!” chirped Ben.
Jay told them about his encounter with the woman from the shadows as Steve and Ben listened intently. Twelve litres of lager, three greasy burgers and several packets of crisps later they were ready to leave.
“My God! I need a piss!” shouted Ben across the entire room, whilst stumbling his way over to the toilet and ridding several tables of their glasses and guests. “I’ll see if I can find your schlut out here and give her a portion of my luvvv schall I?”
Half of the pub’s guests were thoroughly amused by the drunken Englishman’s antics. The other half just moved uneasily away.
“It’s ok.. He’s not daincherous” explained Steve to the nearby guests, making thumbs up signs and attempting to stand up straight himself.
“Will you two please keep it down?” insisted Jay “I think we’d better get going.” But it was too late. The Duchess had witnessed Ben’s clumsy antics and started a charge towards the toilet like an angry bull in the mating season. Steve and Jay were amazed at the speed she reached as she swept through the bar area, past the swing doors and through to the toilet door. Ben, who had hardly begun the process of peeing, was interrupted as the unlocked door was brutally thrown open. Ben
greeted the Duchess.
“Hello darlin’.. come ‘ere often?” whereupon she dragged him swiftly out of the cubicle. Ben attempted to do up his flies.
“Don’t think musha yer girlfriend Ben” quipped Steve once they were outside and out of the Duchesses hearing range.
“Schee luvs me schee does” replied Ben “Schees just playing hard to get!”
“How do you do it Ben..” asked Jay, teetering as he spoke “..two nights in a row?”
“It’s Murphy’s Law mate.. I get all the bad luck”
“Murphy’s Law?.. You must be bloody Murphy’s Messiah the way you go on Ben.. He must really like you!” Jay slapped Ben hard on the shoulder as the three wobbled down the now ice-covered path back to the chalet. Fresh snow crunched underfoot as they occasionally missed the edge.
Jay stopped to relieve himself, closely followed by Steve and Ben. They farted in unison as they stood lined up looking up at the star-filled sky, trying not to pee on their shoes or each other’s trousers. Steve let out an extra fart.
“Sounds like there’s a storm brewing around Uranus!” laughed Ben.
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The morning sun stood up at a leisurely pace, soon followed by a frantic dash whilst the three men, heavily laden with hangovers, packed and got ready to leave. The bus arrived on time to take them to the airport. The last seats had luckily been kept for them. Some passengers were visibly feeling sorry for themselves, not least Ben and Steve, so the three hour journey was spent sleeping and in blissful ignorance of the scenery unravelling outside their windows. Jay began to doze off too. His mind immediately preoccupied with the chance meeting the night before. He started imagining that he had touched her arm gently as she passed, and she had turned around, eyes smiling and lips beckoning. He pulled her close to his body and kissed her passionately on her soft, red lips, and she gave herself to him, reciprocating, her mouth opening, her hands clutching his strong arms. Both swirled in the moment, like leaves dancing in an autumnal whirlwind. No-one else existed, and nothing else mattered. He could feel her bosom pressing against his chest, breathing love into his soul. Jay began to feel light, almost as if he could fly. His hands caressed her neck gently, softly, moving down to the top of her thighs. Her body was warm, voluptuous..
“Hey bud! You’ve got a stiffy!” laughed Ben out loud, nudging Jay and pointing at Jay’s crotch. Jay woke up abruptly, moving his rucksack strategically onto his lap whilst his face reddened rapidly.
“Thanks Ben.. I’m not sure everyone in the bus heard you!”
The sun shone down over the snow covered buildings and vehicles at Oslo airport. The check-in area bristled with travellers vying for prime position in their respective queues. Ben and Steve straddled across their combined luggage whilst Jay headed off to see if he could find a coffee bar. Jay felt a strange sense of loneliness come over him. He didn’t want to feel depressed or melancholic, he was past that, but he hadn’t had a proper relationship since breaking up with Gemma. It had been hard. He thought things were going so well, even though their relationship had become a little ‘run-of-the-mill’ towards the end. But that is just how all relationships get after a while, or so he thought. Gemma had decided that she wasn’t happy and that the best way of ‘re-finding’ her own happiness was by finding someone else. In Gemma’s case this was a work colleague who, looking back on it, seemed a bit too eager to drive her to and from work every day. Gemma’s problems were solved but Jay’s had only just begun. He stopped eating, sleeping, even talking to people and he drank too much. He had also received a verbal warning from his boss for constant sickness and for being late for work.
Steve and Ben had stood by him though, putting up with his nightly pub babblings about how miserable his life was. In all the years he had known them, they had teased him about being under the thumb whilst they went out on ‘the pull’ every night. And then, they too got caught in the net, both succumbing to life with stable girlfriends.
“Two large cappuccinos and one medium café latte please”
Eight months had passed by, slowly, so so slowly. Jay had managed to get his drinking under control but nothing felt the same. Jay was glad that Steve and Ben had forced him to come on holiday, even more so after the brief appearance of the mystery woman, but she, like the holiday had been and gone. Life was indeed a bitch of the highest order and, Jay surmised, if God really did exist, that he or she had to be a sadist.
Jay tried to pull himself together again by thinking positive thoughts. The stool creaked under him as he sipped his cappuccino. Why hadn’t he seized the moment or at least got her name or email address? Jay paid, picked up the coffee cups and peered over the balcony towards the queue where Steve and Ben were standing. They were now at the front of the queue. Jay had to move quickly. He raced down the escalators, narrowly avoiding an old age pensioner’s walking frame at the bottom, and got to the queue just in time to hand over his passport and offload Steve and Ben’s coffees. Once checked in, Jay turned to apologise to the people standing behind him in the queue, telling them that he hadn’t intended to jump the queue but he’d been delayed with the coffees. They just looked back at him in bewilderment, shrugged their shoulders and moved forward.
“Obviously not Brits, eh?” mumbled Steve under his breath.
“No way mate! Brits would have hung, drawn and quartered him for that” added Ben as they headed off for Security.
“Is it ok if I keep my trousers on?” asked Ben after he had been requested to remove his shoes and belt. The security guard ignored his comment, duly checking Ben’s rucksack very thoroughly indeed.
Having sat out the obligatory long waiting time in the departure lounge, an announcement was made over the airport speakers. They could board their plane; a message sent from Heaven for the three weary travellers.
“Jeez I need a drink!” proclaimed Steve.
“Me three!” quipped Ben.
“I need to pee” added Jay.
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