Three Plays
Copyright 2011 Mike Sutton
ISBN 978-1-4659-8486-9
Tripping on Nothing
Character 1 (male)
Character 2 (female)
Doctor
2 Uniformed Guards
Character 1 standing downstage-center, performing the audience through a monologue. Over acting the part he’s doing with all his heart. Dressed in casual clothes that one might wear around the house Saturday morning. Various pieces of living room furniture sit about the stage.
Character 1- And what doth the ravens say to my ear whilst I sleep.
And the cows do moo and the Asses bray.
Yet as I dance in the rain and do weep,
Yonder figure turns to walk away.
(speaks directly to the audience)What say you my good dear man? Dost the line and verse drive one to the ends of emotional rationality? Yes as I did think, and so I thought. For like a duck walking backwards into a frozen stump, so does the muse speak her inspiration to the heart of the play-write… and as the muse speaks it, so do I perform it. I hope you all do so love the theatre and the way of verse that you be willing to help with financial donations. (motions to a hat on the floor and smiles broadly)
Enter Character 2 from behind Character 1…She looks at him in confusion as he continues to address the audience.
Character 1- Shall I do some more? Pauses, listens. Oh yes, I know the perfect piece…is anyone familiar with the work of ‘Jim Carey’?
Character 2- Um….what are you doing?
Character 1- Turns around… I’m performing for these wonderful people. To the audience. You’re a great group folks!
Character 2- There…There’s nobody out there dear. This is your living room.
Character 1- Well of course there’s people there, they’re right there (points at the audience) I’ve been doing this for well over two hours strait, and they’ve been enjoying it and tipping quite well might I add (Indicates a up-side down hat, with a tips sign, on the floor at the edge of the stage).
Character 2- (walks over to the hat and picks it up, and turns it over) There’s no money here, its empty. Maybe ‘they’ haven’t enjoyed it as much as you thought they were.
Character 1- (to the audience) You ungrateful swine, I poor myself out up here on stage for you and this is all I get? Nothing! I was lying when I said that you were a great group, you’re really a buncha idiots who couldn’t tell what humor was if it came up and bit them in the ass…
Character 2- (gently grabs character 1 and turns him to face her) Have you been taking your medicine lately? The doctor said that you had to take the pills every day.
Character 1- (nervously) Of course I’ve been following orders (laughs). Watch, I’ll take one right now for you (pulls a tic-tac box out of his pocket and eats several. As he is chewing them) See? Delicious! In fact I can feel it working at this very moment. God I feel good. Fantastic weather we’re having! So how was your day?
Character 2- That was a tic-tac box wasn’t it. What are you trying to pull? The weather is terrible, and my day was ok. You’re supposed to take your medicine.
Character 1- Ummmmm….Errrrrr…Yes well, that is to say…Ahhhh. That was a tic-tac box, yes, but I was only eating them as a symbol of my medicine. You know, don’t want to overdose or something and all that.
Character 2- (grabs his ear and drags him towards the exit) That’s it, we’re going to see the doctor again!
Character 1- But….But….Ouch, that hurts!
(Both characters exit)
Psychologist’s office with 1 chair and a couch. The doctor is sitting in the chair looking over some notes on a clipboard when Character 2 drags Character 1 in by the ear and leaves him.
Doctor – (in a cheap German accent) Velcome mister Bond. It is good to see you again (laughs evilly)
Character 1- Ummmm, am I in the right place?
Doctor- But of course Mister Bond, and you’re just in time for our little fun, ya? Guards! (Guards enter in unison)
Guards- Ya-Ho Mein Doctor!
Doctor- seize him! (A pair of uniformed guards enter and grab character 1)
Character 1- (panicing) I think there has been some sort of mistake! I’m not Mister Bond, and I’m not here to have fun. I’m just here to get my head examined, and get some pills.
Doctor – (looks at the papers on the clipboard) Ah yes, my error. Guards leave us(Guards exit). Please have a seat, and make yourself at home. Would you care for some tea? (Character 1 shakes his head after he has sat in the couch) Well too bad, it is really quite good-tasting stuff. Now I guess we get down to business. Tell me about your mother.
Character 1- About my mother? I really don’t know where to start..
Doctor – Well just start where you feel you must.
Character 1- ah were to start, were to start, were to start….
Doctor – (Yells) Shutup and talk!
Character 1- (jumps in surprise) ah yes, well, errr….my mother was a hippy back in the 60s and 70s, and she had a drug habit a mile wide. She was addicted to hard stuff by the time me and my sister were born. And she eventually passed on her addictions to us in one degree or another. Let me just say that being an asprin junkie at the age of 6 is a low point in my life, but I’m extremely proud to have beaten it. Well as a kid she used to scare my sister and me with horror stories about the Republican Party and conservatives in general, with the stories about rush Limbaugh being the worst of the lot. In fact it wasn’t until just a couple years ago that I could watch a speech by one of their number without wetting myself and shaking in fear. But onto other things well she always was a wonderful cook, with mushrooms and brownies being her specialties, we had those a lot, when there was enough to eat anyways. We were poor but happy, often mother would make us clothes out of flowers and stuff, they were colorful and pretty during the summer and they smelled real good. But when winter came we would be real cold and sometimes our clothes would fall off, which was real bad when we were away from home trying to make some money to help support us.
Doctor – (really into drawing on one of the papers on the clipboard and not really paying attention) (speaks periodically throughout Character 1’s monologue without looking up) Zat is very interesting! Fascinating!
Character 1- Well and then there was father…I never met him personally, but mother said that he was hard at work at his job of making license plates for the state, and from time to time she would point one out and say ‘kids, your father might have made that one’ or some other such thing, it wasn’t until I was sixteen that I found out that dad was in prison as a serial jay-walker and general public nuisance. (notices the doctors obsession with the drawing) Um what are you doing?
Doctor – (startled) I am writing notes on your fascinating case, it’s a thing that we doctors do you know. Ya, we doctors write notes all the time, in fact I am writing them now.
Character 1- (reaches for the clipboard) May I see the notes?
Doctor – (slaps the incoming hand, and clutches the clip-board to his chest) Nein! These are confidential, and, uhhhh, it would violate the doctor-patient relationship if I allowed you or anyone to see them.
Character 1- Oh, sorry about that, well shall I take up where I left off?
Doctor – yes, please do. It says here that you talk to and perform for an imaginary audience in your living room. Please go into that.
Character 1- Uhh yeah….they just show up and I perform for them for tips, it helps pay the rent. And it’s a lot of fun too. Beats working at McDonalds.
Doctor – (stifles a giggle) You realize that is crazy ya? How do you expect an imaginary audience to give you tips? What do they use monopoly money? (finally laughs out loud at his/
her own joke) I mean do you use their money to rent Boardwalk?
Character 1- (looks a little hurt)ummm, no they use real money…its just that most banks wont take such large bills as I get…uhhhh I was kinda wondering…. are you from Germany?
Doctor – No I am not from Germany
Character 1- Austria then?
Doctor – Not Austria either.
Character 1- Some other Country in Europe maybe?
Doctor – I was born and raised in Chicago.
Character 1- Then why are you speaking with a German accent?
Doctor –(drops the German accent) Because you people expect a psychiatrist to speak this way dammit! Why can’t you accept me for me? (leaps from the chair and runs offstage while bawling)
Character 1- (Shrugs his shoulders) After I found out that dad was really a convict, I found myself wanting to know more about him, so I started spending time near the local jails….(hears character 2 approaching and leaps behind the couch)
Character 2- (enters the stage) Ok, where are you? Are you quite proud of yourself? You made yet another Doctor run screaming into the night. And you didn’t even get any drugs this time. Oh the things I have to go through to keep you sane. Where are you? Come out from hiding this instant! (wanders around stage looking for Character 1 until she finds him behind the couch)
Character 1- (Jumps up upon being found and trys to leap over the couch to escape) I didn’t do anything, the doctor was a lunatic. He/She spoke with a fake German accent for no reason, and didn’t let me see the notes that he/she was taking. I don’t feel much better at all, but I did get to talk about mommy, she’s such a saint.
Character 2- (grabs his ear and drags him off stage with her) You are such a pain, no sex for you tonight!
Character 1- But I didn’t do anything!