Twin shorts: a collection of short stories from Priscilla the great
by
Sybil Nelson
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PUBLISHED BY:
Sybil Nelson
Twin Shorts: A Collection of Short Stories from Priscilla the Great
Copyright © 2010 Sybil Nelson
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
TWIN SHORTS
My Life Changing Moment by Priscilla M. Sumner
Mrs. Talendy's 7th grade English class
So I'm supposed to write about a life changing moment. Well, that's kind of hard for me to do. I mean I've had lots of life changing moments. For example, when I was in third grade and I figured out that I was going to marry Spencer Callahan and that we were going to have three children and two dogs. That was a pretty important moment in my life. Not many people know exactly how their life is going to turn out when they're only eight years old. I guess I'm lucky that way.
But unfortunately, things change. The marriage and kids thing came before I had to babysit The Devil Twins. After that I decided I would definitely have to get my tubes tied before Spencer and I got married. I didn't exactly know which tubes needed to be tied, but I knew any tubes that could possibly lead to children like Charlie and Chester had to be eliminated. Hey, I'd go even further than tying them. Whatever had to be done to make sure no children came out of my tubes was fine with me.
You think I'm being mean, Mrs. Talendy? Well, you haven't had the life changing pleasure of spending an afternoon with my little brothers. (And when I say pleasure, I don't really mean pleasure. That's sarcasm. My older brother Josh taught me about that.)
So let me tell you what led to this decision. It was last summer when I was a young eleven-years-old. My mother was away on "business" and my father had to take Josh to his driving test so that he could get his license. There was no way I was gonna interfere with that. Having a brother who could drive would definitely come in handy during the summer. But it meant that day, I was stuck babysitting the almost five-year-old monsters for a whole afternoon.
I wasn't completely naive (look Mrs. Talendy, I used a vocab word. Naive. Extra credit, huh?). I knew what my little brothers were capable of. So I borrowed some shin protectors from my friend Kyle, slapped on my rain coat, and snapped my bicycle helmet on. Then I locked all the doors and sat them in front of the TV.
While they watched SpongeBob Squarepants, I stood in front of the kitchen door to make sure they didn't go in there. They were notorious for turning the kitchen into a literal land mine of eggs and dog poop.
Everything was going great for about an hour. Then Chester turned to me with his deceivingly cute blue eyes and curly blond hair and said, "Prissy, can I go to the bathroom?"
I had to debate this for a second. I mean did he really have to go to the bathroom? Or was he trying to confuse me? If I let Chester go to the bathroom and kept Charlie on the couch, I wouldn't be able to keep an eye on both of them. My defenses would be breached. What if this was part of their plan? They were trying to divide and conquer. Well, I was too smart for them. If they wanted to go to the bathroom, they would have to go together.
"You have exactly forty-five seconds," I said as I let them in the bathroom. Then I stood outside while they took care of business.
Exactly thirty-eight seconds later, panic set in. It was too quiet in that bathroom. They weren't capable of quiet. What was I thinking? How could I let them go to the bathroom together?
I burst through the door just in time to see Charlie light some kind of string and toss something white into the toilet.
"What are you doing?" I asked, snatching the lighter away from him.
"We're lighting bombs," he answered cheerily.
"Yeah, but they don't work," Chester said with a pout. "We've almost gone through the whole box and not one explosion."
"Yeah, Tampax makes the worst bombs ever!" Charlie added.
"Tampax? What are you talking about?" I snatched the nearly empty box away from Chester. "You've been lighting my tampons!" I yelled. (Okay, Mrs. Talendy, the only reason I'm telling you this is because I really need a good grade and you're kind of a girl anyway. Please, please, please don't tell anyone else about my tampon troubles. It's sooo embarrassing.)
"We didn't know they were yours," Chester said.
"Yeah, sorry Prissy. I'll get them back." Charlie reached his arm into the toilet.
"No, don't do that. Just go. Just get out!" I screamed. I was just about ready to pull out my hair.
Chester jumped up and ran out of the bathroom, but Charlie didn't move.
"Didn't you hear me? I said get out!"
"I'm trying. I can't. I think I'm stuck!"
I rolled my eyes then grabbed him by the armpits. I pulled as hard as I could. Charlie screamed as loud as he could, but he didn't budge. His arm was stuck in the toilet.
"I'll get him out!" Chester said running back into the bathroom holding a tub of butter. Before I could stop him he started dumping the butter on Charlie's head.
"How is putting butter on his head supposed to help him get his arm out?"
Chester shrugged. "It worked on SpongeBob Squarepants."
"That's a cartoon, you moron!"
"Hey, don't call my brother names, Priscilla Gorilla!" Charlie said while splashing toilet water on me with his free hand. Good thing I was wearing the raincoat.
Two hours later my dad came home to find his youngest son covered in butter, chocolate syrup, honey, and bacon grease. Not to mention sopping wet and halfway down a toilet.
Even though The Devil Twins claimed that I had tried to flush Charlie down the toilet for no reason at all, my dad saw through their lies. Either that or he saw the box of burned tampons and chose to believe my version of events. My dad actually had to unscrew the toilet in order to free Charlie. Personally, I would have just left him there for a couple days so he could learn a lesson.
So the moral of this story is that I will never have kids. Never, ever, ever, ever. Give me a shoelace. I'll tie my own tubes right now.
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