Who Was That Masked Man?
A One-Act Play
by
T. J. Robertson
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Who Was That Masked Man?
Copyright © 2010 by T. J. Robertson
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Cast of Characters
Robber: A masked man of unknown age
Teller: A woman in her twenties
Bank Manager: A middle-aged woman
Sergeant Sweeney: A veteran cop
Officer Porter: A rookie
Scene
A small bank somewhere in New England.
Time
A frigid winter morning
Act One
Scene One
Setting: We are inside a small, Spartanly furnished bank. The teller's window is its most prominent feature.
At Rise: A man, bundled up in a ski mask and winter coat, enters the bank, glances furtively around, and slinks over to the teller’s window.
Teller
(looking up)
Is it really that cold out there?
(He slides a note under the opening in the glass partition.)
Teller
Oh, my heavens, is this a holdup?
Robber
(nodding)
And heaven’s where you’ll be unless you do exactly as I say.
Teller
I’ll do anything you want except run away with you. I have to work late today.
Robber
(in disbelief)
Run away with me? Are you crazy?
(pointing)
All I want you to do is hand over the money in your drawers.
Teller
Oh, my mother wears those things but I don’t. And if I did, you can bet I wouldn’t put any money in them.
Robber
(through clenched teeth)
I’m not interested in your drawers; I’m talking about the bank’s. Since you’re obviously a slow learner, let me be more specific.
(talking more slowly and clearly)
I want you to give me the money in the tray beneath the counter you’re leaning on.
Teller
(gleefully)
Oh, yes of course. You’ll have to excuse me; I’ve never been held up before and it’s all so exciting that I must’ve momentarily lost it.
(taking a deep breath and calming down)
Do you want it in fives, tens, twenties--
Robber
(interrupting)
Will you shut up and just give it to me!
Teller
Oh, I can’t do that; I never have sex the first time I meet a man.
Robber
What the hell are you talking about?
Teller
You.
Robber
Well, I’m talking about the money and only the money.
Teller
Oh, yes, of course. I apologize; I got excited again.
Robber
(glancing nervously around)
Calm down and pull yourself together.
Teller
(taking another deep breath)
How about if I write you out a bank check? I’d be foolish of you to carry all that money around; somebody might rob you.
(taking a pen and blank check)
Now what’s your name, sir?
Robber
(grimacing and biting his tongue)
Sir will do just fine.
Teller
(writing it down on the check and looking up)
And your last name, please.
Robber
(mockingly)
Sir Robbing Hood.
Teller
(starting to write it down)
Robbing Hood?
(looking up)
Is that spelled as one word or two?
Robber
(raising his voice)
Enough of this nonsense!
(catching himself, glancing nervously around, and lowering his voice)
You’re nuts if you think I’m going to give you my real name.
(shaking his head in disbelief)
Now for the last time, if you don’t hand over the money at once, I’m going to take your life.
Teller
(gleefully)
Did I hear right or do my ears deceive me? Did you just say that if I don’t hand over the money, you’ll take me as your wife?
Robber
(with increasing frustration)
For one last time will you shut up and hand it over.
Teller
Today’s your lucky day.
Robber
(muttering)
It was until I ran into you.
Teller
In addition to the money you’re going to get me.
(with a giggle)
How’s that for a twofer? Together you and I can become another Bunnie and Clod.
Robber
(gruffly)
It’s Bonnie and Clyde.
Teller
Yes, that’s what I said.
Robber
(between clenched teeth)
May I ask you something?
Teller
Ask me anything.
Robber
What planet do you come from?
Teller
Oh, that is so funny.
(laughing)
You want to know something?
Robber
No but I have the feeling you’re going to tell me any way.
Teller
I find myself strangely attracted to you.
Robber
And I find you strange--period.
Teller
You wear jockey shorts, don’t you?
Robber
(shaking his head)
I can’t believe this is happening to me.
Teller
Do you know that men who wear jockey shorts are far more daring, dashing, and humorous than those who wear briefs.
Robber
(in desperation)
Look, Miss--
Teller
(interrupting and gesturing dismissively)
Oh, don’t be so formal.
Robber
Formal?
Teller
(with a nod)
Instead of calling me, Miss, you can call me Madelyn. Or better still Maddy.
Robber
How about just plain Mad? Because that’s what you are. Here I thought I was coming into a bank but instead I find myself in a Looney Bin.
(He turns and rushes out without the money.)
Teller
Wait; don’t go! Will I see you again?
(The Manager comes over to the Teller.)
Manager
Who was that masked man? The Loan Arranger from Freddie Mac or Fanny Mae?
Teller
(staring after the robber dreamily)
No.
Manager
Who was he?
Teller
(longingly)
Oh, how I wish I knew.
Manager
Did he take any of the bank’s money?
Teller
No, the only thing he stole was my heart.
Manager
I’d better sound the alarm.
(She sounds the alarm and soon Sergeant Sweeney and Officer Porter come bursting into the bank with their guns drawn.)
Sergeant
Hands up; don’t anyone move.
Manager
But, Sergeant, I’m the one who--
Sergeant
(interrupting her)
Quiet. I don’t want to hear another word out of you.
(to Officer Porter)
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If that isn’t the face of a hardened criminal, I don’t know what is.
Manager
My name’s--
Sergeant
(putting a finger to his lips)
Shush. I know who you are.
Officer Porter
You do, Sarge?
Sergeant Sweeney
From the size of her nose it’s obvious she’s Bazooka Becky.
Teller
Oh, Sergeant, you’re making a terrible mistake.
Sergeant
You keep quiet, too.
(to Officer Porter)
I’ll turn in my stripes if this other moll’s not Shotgun Sally.
Officer Porter
I hate to say this, Sarge, but I know these two people.
Sergeant
You do?
Officer Porter
(nodding and pointing to them)
Yes, I have a savings account here. The older woman’s the branch manager and the younger one works as a teller.
Sergeant
Are you sure?
Officer Porter
Hey, they don’t have any weapons, do they?
Sergeant
(muttering to himself)
Well, I’ll be darned; I must be losing it.
(turning to the women)
I apologize for my case of mistaken identity.
(to the Manager)
But I still think you should you consider plastic surgery?
Manager
I most certainly will not.
Sergeant
I know a good plumber--I mean plastic surgeon--if you change your mind.
Officer Porter
Sarge, don’t you think we should get a description of the guy who tried to rob the place?
Sergeant
(slapping him on the back)
Good idea.
Teller
(eagerly)
Oh, I can describe him for you.
Sergeant
Then please do.
Teller
He was a tall, dark, and handsome man who was wearing a mask.
Sergeant
Now just one minute. Did you say he was wearing a mask?
Teller
Yes.
Sergeant
One just like Lone Ranger wears?
Teller
In banking circles he’s known as the Loan Arranger.
Sergeant
I stand corrected.
Teller
But the handsome would-be robber’s face wasn’t covered with a Lone-Ranger type of mask but rather with a ski mask.
Sergeant
You say he was handsome?
Teller
(clasping her hands together and gushing)
Oh, very much so.
Sergeant
If he was wearing a mask, how could you tell he was handsome?
Teller
By his eyes. They were a beautiful blue color.
Sergeant
That’s ridiculous. How could you tell he was handsome just by the color of his eyes?
Officer Porter
It’s not as farfetched as you might think, Sarge.
Sergeant
Hey, whose side are you on?
Officer Porter
When I was serving with military in Afghanistan I fell in love with a woman who was wearing a burqa. Her eyes, too, were a beautiful blue color.
Sergeant
A burqa? Isn’t that one of those garments the women over there wear that covers the entire body except for a couple of slits around the eyes?
Officer Porter
That’s right.
Sergeant
I didn’t know you were married.
Officer Porter
(sheepishly)
Well, I’m not now.
Sergeant
What happened?
Officer Porter
Once we came back to this country not only did she shed the burqa but she got rid of me, too.
(with a heavy sigh)
To this day I can’t say I know what she really looked like but one thing’s for sure. I fell hook, line, and sinker in love with her at first sight.
Teller
(effusively)
And that’s exactly what I just did with the would-be robber.
Sergeant
(shaking his head in disbelief)
I guess whoever said that love is blind knew what he was talking about.
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