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LEAVING MRS. CHAMPNEY SEATED ALONE AND HELPLESS INTHE MIDST OF THE CONFUSION, SMILK MARCHED MR. YOLLOP TO HIS BEDROOM]
YOLLOP
BY
GEORGE BARR McCUTCHEON
FRONTISPIECE BY
EDWARD C. CASWELL
NEW YORK
1922
YOLLOP
CHAPTER ONE
In the first place, Mr. Yollop knew nothing about firearms. And so,after he had overpowered the burglar and relieved him of a fullyloaded thirty-eight, he was singularly unimpressed by the followingtribute from the bewildered and somewhat exasperated captive:
"Say, ain't you got any more sense than to tackle a man with a gun,you chuckle-headed idiot?" (Only he did not say "chuckle-headed,"and he inserted several expletives between "say" and "ain't.")
The dazed intruder was hunched limply, in a sitting posture, overagainst the wall, one hand clamped tightly to his jaw, the otherbeing elevated in obedience to a command that had to be thricerepeated before it found lodgment in his whirling brain. Mr. Yollop,who seemed to be satisfied with the holding up of but one hand,cupped his own hand at the back of one ear, and demandedquerulously:
"What say!"
"Are you hard o' hearin'?"
"Hey?"
"Well for the--say, are you deef?"
"Don't say deef. Say deaf,--as if it were spelled d-e-double f.Yes,--I am a little hard of hearing."
"Now, how the hell did you hear--I say, HOW DID YOU HEAR ME IN THEROOM, if it's a fair question?"
"If you've got anything in your mouth, spit it out. I can't make outhalf what you say. Sounds like 'ollo--ollo--ollo'!"
The thief opened his mouth and with his tongue instituted a visiblesearch for the obstruction that appeared to annoy Mr. Yollop.
"They're all here except the one I had pulled last year," heannounced vastly relieved. A sharp spasm of pain in his jaw causedhim to abruptly take advantage of a recent discovery; and while hewas careful to couch his opinions in an undertone, he told Mr.Yollop what he thought of him in terms that would have put thehardiest pirate to blush. Something in Mr. Yollop's eye, however,and the fidgety way in which he was fingering the trigger of thepistol, moved him to interrupt a particularly satisfying paean ofblasphemy by breaking off short in the very middle of it to wonderwhy in God's name he hadn't had sense enough to remember that alldeaf people are lip-readers.
"Spit it out!" repeated Mr. Yollop, with energy. "Don't talk withyour mouth full. I can't understand a word you say."
This was reassuring but not convincing. There was still the ominousglitter in the speaker's eye to be reckoned with. The man on thefloor took the precaution to explain: "I hope you didn't hear whatI was callin' myself." He spoke loudly and very distinctly.
"That's better," said Mr. Yollop, his face brightening. "I was'afraid my hearing had got worse without my knowing it. All you haveto do is to enunciate distinctly and speak slowly like that,--as ifyou were isolating the words,--so to speak,--and I can make outeverything you say. What were you calling yourself?"
"Oh, just a lot of names. I'd sooner not repeat 'em if there's anywomen in the house."
"Well, bless my soul, that's uncommonly thoughtful of you. My sisterand her young daughter are here to spend the holidays with me. Theysleep at the back of the apartment. Now, if you will just remain asyou are,--I dare say you'd better put up the other hand, too, if youcan spare it,--I will back up to the table here and get my listeningapparatus. Now you won't have to shout so. I don't know much aboutrevolvers, but I assume that all one has to do to make it go off isto press rather firmly on this little contrivance--"
"Yes! But DON'T!"
"Not so loud! Not so loud! I'm not as deaf as all that. And don'tmove! I give you fair warning. Watch me closely. If you see me shutmy eyes, you will know I'm going to shoot. Remember that, will you?The instant you detect the slightest indication that my eyes areabout to close,--dodge!"
"By thunder,--I--I wonder if you're as much of a blame fool as youseem to be,--or are you just playing horse with me," muttered thevictim, as he raised his other hand. "I'd give ten years of my lifeto know,--"
"I won't be a second," announced Mr. Yollop, backing gingerly towardthe table. With his free hand he felt for and found the ratherelaborate contraption that furnished him with the means tocounteract his auricular deficiencies. The hand holding the revolverwobbled a bit; nevertheless, the little black hole at which thedazed robber stared as if fascinated was amazingly steadfast in itsregard for the second or perhaps the third button of his coat. "It'sa rather complicated arrangement," he went on to explain, "but verysimple once you get it adjusted to the ear. It took me some time toget used to wearing this steel band over the top of my head. I neverhave tried to put it on with one hand before. Amazing how awkwardone can be with his left hand, isn't it? Now, you see how it goes.This little receiver business clamps right down to the ear,--so.Then this disc hangs over my chest--and you talk right at it. Forawhile I made a practice of concealing it under my vest, beingsomewhat sensitive about having strangers see that I am deaf, butone day my niece, a very bright child often, asked me why I did it.I told her it was because I didn't want people to know I was deaf.Have you ever felt so foolish that you wanted to kick yourself allover town? Well, then you know how I felt when that blessed infantpointed to this thing on my ear and--What say?"
"I say, that's the way I've been feeling ever since I came to,"repeated the disgusted burglar.
"Of course, I realize that it's a physical, you might well say, ascientific impossibility, for one to kick himself all over town, butjust the same, I believe you are as nearly in the mood to accomplishit as any man alive to-day."
"You bet I could," snapped the thief, with great earnestness. "WhenI think how I let a skinny, half-witted boob like you walk rightinto a clinch with me, and me holdin' a gun, and weighin' fortypounds more than you do, I--Can you hear what I'm saying?"
"Perfectly. It's a wonderful invention," said Mr. Yollop, who hadapproached to within four or five feet of the speaker and wasbending over to afford him every facility for planting his wordssquarely upon the disc. "Speak in the same tone of voice that youwould employ if I were about thirty feet away and perfectly sound ofhearing. Just imagine, if you can, that I am out in the hall, withthe door open, and you are carrying on a conversation with me atthat--"
"I've said all I want to say," growled the other sullenly.
"What is your name?"
"None of your damn business."
Mr. Yollop was silent for a moment. Then he inquired steadily:
"Have you any recollection of receiving a blow on the jaw, andsubsequently lying on the flat of your back with my knees jouncingup and down on your stomach while your bump of amativeness was beingroughly and somewhat regularly pounded against the wall in responseto a certain nervous and uncontrollable movement of my hands whichhappened to be squeezing your windpipe so tightly that yourtongue hung out and--"
"You bet I remember it!" ruefully.
"Well, then," said Mr. Yollop, "what is your name?"
"Jones."
"What?"
"I thought you said you could hear with that thing!"
"I heard you say Jones quite distinctly, but why can't you answer myquestion? It was civil enough, wasn't it?"
"Well," said the crook, still decidedly uncertain as to theexpression in Mr. Yollop's eye, "if you insist on a civil answer,it's Smilk."
"Smith?"
"No, NOT Smith," hastily and earnestly; "Smilk,--S-m-i-l-k."
"Smilk?"
"Smilk."
"Extraordinary name. I've never heard it before, have you?"
The rascal blinked. "Sure. It was my father's nam
e before me, andmy--"
"Look me in the eye!"
"I am lookin' you in the eye. It's Smilk,--Cassius Smilk."
"Sounds convincing," admitted Mr. Yollop. "Nobody would take thename of Cassius in vain, I am sure. As a sensible, discriminatingthief, you would not deliberately steal a name like Cassius, nowwould you?"
"Well, you see, they call me Cash for short," explained Smilk."That's something I can steal with a clear conscience."
"I perceive you are recovering your wits, Mr. Smilk. You appear tobe a most ingenuous rogue. Have you ever tried writing the book fora musical comedy?"
"A--what?"
"A musical comedy. A forty-legged thing you see on Broadway."
Mr. Smilk pondered. "No, sir," he replied, allowing himself aprideful leer; "if I do say it as shouldn't, I'm an honest thief."
"Bless my soul," cried Mr. Yollop delightedly; "you get brighterevery minute. Perhaps you have at one time or another conducted ahumorous column for a Metropolitan newspaper?"
"Well, I've done my share towards fillin' up the 'lost' column,"said Mr. Smilk modestly. "Say, if we're going to keep up thistalkfest much longer, I got to let my hands down. The blood'srunnin' out of 'em. What are you goin' to do with me? Keep mesittin' here till morning?"
"I'm glad you reminded me of it. I want to call the police."
"Well, I'm not hindering you, am I?"
"In a way, yes. How can I call them and keep an eye on you at thesame time?"
"I'll tell what I'll do," said Cassius Smilk obligingly. "I'll takea message 'round to the police station for you."
"Ah! That gives me an idea. You shall telephone to the police forme. If my memory serves me well, Spring 3100 is the number. Or is itSpring 3100 that calls out the fire department? It would be veryawkward to call out the fire department, wouldn't it? They'dprobably come rushing around here and drown both of us before theyfound out wer'd made a mistake and really wanted the police."
"All you have to do is to say to Central: 'I want a policeman.'"
"Right you are. That's what the telephone book says. Still I believeSpring 3100--"
"The simplest way to get the police," broke in the burglar, notwithout hope, "is to fire five shots out of a window as rapidly aspossible. They always come for that."
"I see what you are after. You want them to come here and arrest mefor violating the Sullivan Law. Don't you know it's against the lawin New York to have a revolver on your premises or person? Andwhat's more, you would testify against me, confound you. Alsoprobably have me up for assault and battery. No, Mr. Smilk, yoursuggestion is not a good one. We will stick to the telephone. Now,if you will be kind enough to fold your arms tightly across yourbreast,--that's the idea,--and arise slowly to your feet, I willinstruct you--Yes, I know it is harder to get up without the aid ofthe hands than it was to go down, but I think you can manage it. Tryagain, if you please." Then, as Mr. Smilk sank sullenly back againstthe wall, apparently resolved not to budge: "I'm going to countthree, Cassius. If you are not on your feet at the end of the count,I shall be obliged to do the telephoning myself."
"That suits me," said Cassius grimly.
"Do you object to the smell of powder?"
"Huh?"
"I don't like it myself, but I should, of course, open the windowsimmediately and air the room out--"
"I'll get up," said Cassius, and did so, clumsily but promptly."Say, I--I believe you WOULD shoot. You're just the kind of boobthat would do a thing like that."
"I dare say I should miss you if I were to fire all fivebullets,--but that's neither here nor there. You're on your feet,so--by the way, are you sure this thing is loaded?"
"It wouldn't make any difference if it wasn't. It would go off justthe same. They always do when some darn fool idiot is pointin' themat people."
"Don't be crotchetty, Cassius," reproached Mr. Yollop. "Now, if youwill just sidle around to the left you will come in due time to thetelephone over there on that desk. I shall not be far behind you.Sit down. Now unfold your arms and lean both elbows on the desk.That's the idea. You might keep your right hand exposed,--sort ofperpendicular from the elbow up. Take the receiver off the hookand--"
"Oh, I know how to use a telephone all right."
"Now, the main thing is to get Central," said Mr. Yollopimperturbably. "Sometimes it is very difficult to wake them aftertwo o'clock A.M. Just jiggle it if she doesn't respond at once.Seems that jiggling wakes them when nothing else will."
Mr. Yollop, very tall and spare in his pajamas, stood behind theburly Mr. Smilk, the dangling disc almost touching the latter'shunched up shoulders.
"This is a devil of a note," quoth Mr. Smilk, taking down thereceiver. "Makin' a guy telephone to the police to come and arresthim."
"I wish I had thought to close that window while you were hors decombat," complained Mr. Yollop shivering. "I'll probably catch mydeath of cold standing around here with almost nothing on. That windcomes straight from the North Pole. Doesn't she answer?"
"No."
"Jiggle it."
"I did jiggle it."
"What?"
"I said I jiggled it."
"Well, jiggle it again."
"Rottenest telephone service in the world," growled Mr. Smilk. "Whenyou think what we have to pay for telephones these days, you'dthink--hello! Hell--lo!"
"Got her?"
"I thought I had for a second, but I guess it was somebody yawning."
"Awning?"
"Say, if you'll hold that thing around so's I can talk at it, you'llhear what I'm saying. How do you expect me to--hello! Central?Central! Hello! Where the hell have you been all--hello! Well, canyou beat it? I had her and she got away."
"No use trying to get her now," said Mr. Yollop, resignedly. "Hangup for a few minutes. It makes 'em stubborn when you swear at 'em.Like mules. I've just thought of something else you can do for mewhile we're waiting for her to make up her mind to forgive you. Comealong over here and close this window you left open."
Mr. Smilk in closing the window, looked searchingly up and down thefire escape, peered intently into the street below, sighedprofoundly and muttered something that Mr. Yollop did not hear.
"I've got a fur coat hanging in that closet over there, Cassius. Wewill get it out."
Carefully following Mr. Yollop's directions, the obliging rascalproduced the coat and laid it upon the table in the center of theroom.
"Turn your back," commanded the owner of the coat, "and hold up yourhands." Then, after he had slipped into the coat: "Now if I only hadmy slippers--but never mind. We won't bother about 'em. They're inmy bed room, and probably lost under the bed. They always are, evenwhen I take 'em off out in the middle of the room. Ah! Nothing likea fur coat, Cassius. Do you know what cockles are?"
"No, I don't."
"Well, never mind. Now, let's try Central again. Please rememberthat no matter how distant she is, she still expects you to lookupon her as a lady. No lady likes to be sworn at at two o'clock inthe morning. Speak gently to her. Call her Madamoiselle. That alwaysgets them. Makes 'em think if they keep their ears open they'll hearsomething spicy."
"They general fall for dearie," said Mr. Smilk, taking down thereceiver.
"Be good enough to remember that you are calling from my apartment,"said Mr. Yollop severely. "Jiggle it."
Mr. Smilk jiggled it. "I guess she's still mad."
"Jiggle it slowly, tenderly, caressingly. Sort of seductively. Don'tbe so savage about it."
"Hello! Central? What number do I have to call to get Spring 3100?... I'm not trying to be fresh: ... Yes, that's what I want ... Iknow the book says to tell you 'I want to call a policeman' but--... Yes, there's a burglar in my apartment and I want you to--What'sthat? ... I don't want to go to bed. ... Say, now YOU'RE gettin'fresh. You give me police--"
"Tell her I've got you surrounded," whispered Mr. Yollop.
"Hello! Hell--lo! Central!"
"Jiggle it."
"Ah, Mademoiselle! Pardon my--"
Voice at the other end of the wire: "Ring off! You've got wrongnumber. This is police headquarters." Audible sound of distantreceiver being slapped upon its hook.
"Gee whiz! Now, we're up against it, Mister. We'll be all nightgettin' Central again."
"Be patient, Cassius. Start all over again. Ask for the morgue thistime. That will make her realize the grave danger you are in."
"Say, I wish you'd put that gun in your pocket. It makes the gooseflesh creep out all over me. I'm not going to try to get away. Giveyou my word of honor I ain't. You seem to have some sort of ideathat I don't want to be arrested."
"I confess I had some such idea, Cassius."
"Well, I don't mind it a bit. Fact is, I've been doin' my best toget nabbed for the last three months."
"You have?"
"Sure. The trouble is with the police. They somehow seem to overlookme, no matter how open I am about it. I suppose I've committedtwenty burglaries in the past three months and I'll be cussed if Ican make 'em understand. Take to-night, for instance. I clumb upthat fire escape,--this is the third floor, ain't it?--I clumb uphere with a big electric street light shinin' square on my back,--why,darn the luck, I had to turn my back on it 'cause the lighthurt my eyes,--and there were two cops standin' right down belowhere talkin' about the crime wave bein' all bunk, both of 'emarguin' that the best proof that there ain't no crime wave is thefact that the jails are only half full, showin' that the city isgettin' more and more honest all the time. I could hear 'em plain asanything. They were talkin' loud, so as to make everybody in thisbuildin' rest easy, I guess. I stopped at the second floor andmonkeyed with the window, hopin' to attract their attention. Didn'twork. So I had to climb up another flight. This window of yours wasup about six inches, so there wasn't anything for me to do but toraise it and come in. What I had in mind was to stick my head outafter a minute or two and yell 'thieves', 'police', and so on. Thenbefore I knowed what was happenin', you walks in, switches on thelight, and comes straight over and biffs me in the jaw. Does thatlook as if I was tryin' to avoid arrest?"
"That's a very pretty story, Cassius, and no doubt will make atremendous hit with the jury, but what were you doing with a loadedrevolver in your hand, and why were you so full of vituperation,--Imean, what made you swear so when I--"
"You let somebody hit you a wallop on the jaw and bang your headagainst the wall and dance on your ribs, and you'll cuss worse thanI did."
"But,--about the revolver?"
"Well, to be honest with you, I probably would have shot you if Ihadn't been so low in my mind. I won't deny that. It's a sort ofprinciple with us, you see. No self-respecting burglar wants to becaptured by the party he's tryin' to rob. Its so damn' mortifyin'.Besides, if that sort of thing happens to you, the police lose allkinds of respect for you and try to use you as a stool-pigeon, ifyou know what that means."
"This is most interesting, I must say. I should like to hear moreabout it, Mr. Smilk. I dare say we can have quite a long andedifying chat while we are waiting for the police to respond to ourcall for help. In the meantime, you might see if you can get themnow. Spring, three one hundred."
"As I was sayin' awhile ago, would you mind puttin' that gun in yourpocket?"
"While you've been chinning, Cassius, I have been making a mostthrilling and amazing experiment. Do you call this thing underhere a trigger?"
"Yes. Don't monkey with it, you--you--"
"I've been pressing it,--very gently and cautiously, of course,--tosee just how near I can come to making it go off without actually--"
"For God's sake! Cut that--Hey, Central! Give me police headquartersagain. ... Lively, please. ... Yes, it's life or death. ... Come on,Mademoiselle,--please!"
"That's the way," complimented Mr. Yollop.
"By gosh, nobody ever wanted the police more than I do at thisminute," gulped Mr. Smilk. He was perspiring freely. "Hello! Policeheadquarters? ... Hustle someone to--to--(over his shoulder to Mr.Yollop, in a whisper,)--quick! What's the number of this,--"
"418 Sagamore Terrace."
Into the transmitter: "To 418 Sagamore Terrace, third floor front.Burglar. Hurry up!"
Telephone: "What's yer name?"
Smilk, to Yollop: "What is my name?"
Mr. Yollop: "Crittenden Yollop."
Smilk, to telephone: "Crittelyum Yop."
Telephone, languidly: "Spell it."
Smilk: "Aw, go to--"
Mr. Yollop: "After me now,--Y-o-l-l-o-p."
Telephone: "First name."
Smilk, prompted. "C-r-i-t-t-e-n-d-e-n."
Telephone, after interval: "What floor?"
Smilk: "Third."
Telephone: "Are you sure it's a burglar, or is it just a noisesomewhere?"
Smilk: "It's a burglar. He's got me covered."
Telephone: "What's that?"
Smilk: "I say, I've got him covered. Hurry up or he'll blow my headoff--"
Telephone: "Say, what IS this? Get back to bed, you. You're drunk."
Smilk: "I'm as sober as you are. Can't you get me straight? I tellyou I beat his head off. He's down and out,--but---"
Telephone: "All right. We'll have someone there in a few minutes.Did you say Yullup?"
Smilk: "No. I said hurry up."
CHAPTER TWO