"If you quiver again that might give us some arrows."
So Arthur quivered and they had some arrows.
Spreading the lamp on the floor they looked at the map. It showed a dungeon underneath an old castle.
"That's pretty scary, look we're in a dungeon under an old castle. When I signed on to be a funny character I didn't expect a Spanish inquisition."
They both looked around half hoping that a mad cardinal would leap out and threaten them but all remained quiet.
"Well then, this is where we are, outside the room called the er!" erred Biggs.
The author could not think of what to call the room.
"Well any way we're outside this room marked with a skull and crossbones, so we can assume that it's dangerous," said Biggs as he pointed at the map.
The map said with disgust, "Didn't your mother tell you that it's rude to point?"
This stunned Biggs and Arthur because they had not expected to meet a talking map.
"A talking map, my, my, what will they think of next, I wonder how many silicon chips its got in it," mused Arthur, because he liked to think of himself as a kind of computer expert.
"A kind of computer expert," chided Arthur, "next you'll be saying that I'm kind of not here."
And for a while he vanished because the author was sick of his prattling.
"I'm sorry, but that's not fair," said Biggs boldly in a kind of loud telling off voice, "he's my partner and I'm a little scared of this place still."
So I relented and Arthur again popped back into the scene.
POP.
"That was a loud pop for such a little man, Arthur, where did you go for that little while?"
"I do not know, I just kind of stopped existing, bereft of life I rested in pieces, my existence it seems is only on paper. It makes you feel quite humble and enamoured of the author who breathes life into our lettered lives doesn't it?" thought Arthur.
Suddenly a brightly shining sword fell from the roof and stuck in the floor.
"Did you see that, it's that author fellow? Because you sucked up to him he's given you a sword. That'll be useful, see if you can get a bow for these arrows out of him," suggested Biggs.
"Oh Author, Author, Author of Arthur, end me your lears that I may thpeak of your balmy goodness to all letterkind."
A bow also fell from the ceiling.
"This is good Arthur, keep it up," said Biggs gleefully.
"Wisest of the wise, meekest of the meek, goodest of the good and honest of the hon."
Two suits of full plate mail armour, rations for a year, a fully armoured war horse, bucket and spade and an A to Z guide to London fell from the ceiling.
"Okay, okay Arthur I think that's enough for now, don't praise him too much or we'll be squashed by the abundance of his gifts. What are we going to do with a war horse down here?"
"Just let it stay here for now, you never know we might need its pulling power," said Arthur as he stroked the war horse's mane. Biggs started to dress in the plate armour and helped Arthur into his.
"I'm going to walk through this door, are you coming with me?" asked Biggs as he walked through the door and straight down a well shaft.
Sploosh!
"That's why it said danger on the map, and that's why we need a strong horse," the realisation spreading over Arthur's face.
"Just get me out of this well."
"Well."
"Yes, Well."
"Well, well, well, are you doing well?"
"Stop punning and send me a rope."
Arthur looked on the horse and found a rope. He tied it to the horse's neck and sent it down.
Splopsh.
"Thanks Arthur, remind me to get you some chocolates if we ever get out of here alive." Biggs tied the horse to his waist and tugged on the rope.
Arthur pulled Biggs and the fully armoured war horse up.
"Hold on a minute Arthur there's a big gaping, dark and haunting hole in the side of this well wall," said an astonished Biggs.
"Well then, do you want to have a look at the well wall?"
"'Course I do, but pull us both up first."
Arthur pulled them both up, untied them, put the rope around Biggs' waist and pushed Biggs into the well again.
Splooshhhhh.
"You didn't tie the rope to the horse's neck. Hang on and I'll send the rope up on an arrow."
Twannng. Thud.
The arrow stuck in the war horse's saddle. Arthur tied the rope around the horse's saddle, "Alright Biggs, I'm leading the horse up the passage a bit."
Biggs again slopped and dripped out of the water and got within swinging distance of the gaping hole, "Okay I'm there, let me swing in."
He swang into the hole and grabbed hold of the sid, "I'm in. By the way who's Sid?"
"Oh, he's a typing error, I was supposed to spell side, but you can keep him if you like," I said, hoping that the flow of inspiration would continue.
So, Sid who now appeared as a dwarf, helped Biggs to get into the gaping hole.
"So then Sid what are you doing down here?" questioned Biggs in a sort of quizzical way.
"I don't know I've just appeared," said Sid the dwarf in a kind of bemused, bumbling, brogue.
"Oh so you're a Scottish dwarf then Sid?"
"Aye, I must be if I speak a brogue but I can't help feeling that the author only wrote that because he wanted something to go with bemused and bumbling," Sid said.
"Oi, Biggs who're talking to?" grumped Arthur angrily.
"Sid the Dwarf, I think he's going to help us from now on."
"Aye, I will by my eye, aye my eye I will," ayed Sid.
"I'll tie this rope to this brazier so that I can come down and see him. Secure your end please," ordered Arthur as he tied the rope to the brazier. He then shuffled down the rope and alighted upon the edge of the big gaping, dark and haunting hole.
"You alighted in a delicate fashion may I say Arthur," complimented Sid the dwarf.
"DON'T BE FUNNY SID THE DWARF," Arthur seemed to shout but the author had just left the caps lock on.
"So shall we see what's at the end of this big gaping, dark and haunting hole," suggested Biggs who was still holding the lamp which sent rays of light piercing ahead of them into the forbidding darkness.
"I wouldn't like to be without a lamp in that forbidding darkness," said Sid the dwarf then, "you go first Biggs."
Biggs picked his way over the loose rubble that lay across his path.
"Do you have to pick your way Biggs, just put the pick down and walk tentatively," said Sid the dwarf.
"I'll pick the nits out of your hair with it in a minute," retorted Biggs as he tentatively picked his way through the loose rubble.
A low grumbling, throaty roar proceeded down the passage and they moved aside out of its way.
"I wonder what that belongs to," quivered Biggs as another quiver of arrows fell from the ceiling.
"That's useful," said Sid the dwarf, "do you think you could get me a battle axe since you're both armed?"
"You'll have to compliment the author Sid," quipped Arthur who was still very fond of his quip.
"Mr. Author, sir er, can I have some salt and pepper?" said Sid the dwarf.
So condiments fell from the ceiling and Sid's mother-in-law, fully armed, bearded and ready to tell Sid off.
"Now then Sidney, where do you think you've been this past ten minutes, you should be at home with my daughter," blasted Sid's mother-in-law, scaring all three of the adventurous heroes.
"I meant a metal battle axe, not my mother-in-law," said Sid the dwarf.
"I told you to compliment him Sid, not condiment him," said Arthur.
"Er, excuse me Mother-in-law, before you go can you lend me your special battle axe, the one you keep Father-in-law in line with?" said Sid the dwarf.
Sid's mother-in-
law gave him the battle axe and just as quickly I made her vanish in a puff of smoke, deciding not to torment them any further with her presence.
"I bet your mother-in-law's good in a fight," enthused Biggs.
"Yes, we could have sent her ahead to encounter the wild beastie that seems to be ahead of us," said Sid, "killing two birds with one stone."
Biggs again picked his way down to the end of the passage which ended in another gaping hole looking into a small cave. They all peered in and saw a hulking, breathing, dark and dire monster.
"Have you got your bestiary old chap?" Arthur asked Biggs.
"Yes, of course," answered Biggs, and proceeded to look in his rucksack. He drew out a tome and flicked through its pages. "Dragon, Dagon, Demon.....Ahh here it is, dark and dire monster (of the hulking breathing type). Usually live in dire and dismal caves beneath dangerous castles. They can be quite dangerous themselves spitting a kind of acid on their victims," read Biggs as the dark and dire monster spat a kind of acid at Sid.
"Yowl," shouted Sid, "I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking."
Arthur drew his sword but decided that his pencil did not have a sharp enough point so he unsheathed his sword and began to strike at the dark and dire monster. It spat and roared and after a few more hits it fell to the ground.
Sid ran quickly to the well shaft and threw himself down it.
Biggs continued to read, "The acid can be immediately washed off but this produces a chemical reaction in any large body of water which causes that acid to turn into alcohol."
"You tek the hay road and ay'll tek the low road, and I'll be in Scotland afore ye," sang Sid in a drunken drawl.
"Great!" Quipped Arthur, "A drunken dwarf, that's all we need."
CHAPTER TWO
The remonstrations of the previous hour had taken their toll on the heroic trio and they had all fallen asleep near the gaping hole in the well wall. Arthur was the first to wake, lifting his head from Sid's whisky smelling clothing. He yawned and stretched as he rose, then dusted himself down.
"I still don't know why were down here Author," said Arthur as he walked about in the passage "We've killed a dark and dire monster in a dark and dismal cave then all fallen asleep, what are we going to do now?" Arthur asked.
"I haven't decided yet Arthur," I said, a bit confused by the character in a book that I am writing, talking to me, "What do you want to do?" I asked.
Arthur smiled and seemed to perk up a bit, "What about rescuing a princess, fighting a wicked black knight or killing a dragon?" suggested Arthur as he wafted his sword around pretending to kill a dragon, or a black knight or something.
"Okay, you can do it all," I said, relenting as I leaned back on my chair and stretched my neck.
Arthur looked surprised, and stopped waving his sword about, "All, you mean princess, black knight and dragon?" He couldn't believe his luck, over a thousand years of inaction and now, all three things at once.
I chomped a bit of toast as I said, "And a few other things thrown in as well." I gulped, drank some tea, then continued typing.
Spinning round like a whirling dervish he excitedly asked, "So who's this princess we have to rescue then, is she married?"
"It's the princess Arianne," I said, deciding on the name up as I went along, "she is the daughter of King Elder-Lee who has promised to give up to half of his kingdom for his daughter to be rescued and her hand in marriage."
His lips turned down at the edges, "Sounds fair enough. By the way where did you get the names from, a corn flakes packet?"
"Don't be cheeky or I'll spring another monster on you," I chuckled as I typed.
Arthur gulped and decided not to be too cheeky to the author. He jogged Sid the dwarf awake.
"Eh, what?" asked Sid as he shook his head and looked around then, "Oh my poore head."
"In my opinion I think you drank too much, over half the alcohol that was in the well," said Arthur.
Sid knocked Biggs awake, "Wha!" said Biggs, then, "Oh." as he realised he was among friends.
"I've got some new orders you two, we have to rescue the princess Arianne from the black knight and his pet the dragon, if we do I get to marry her and half of her kingdom," chirped Arthur.
"How come you get to marry her, what happens if I rescue her?" bemoaned Biggs.
"Stop bemoaning Biggs, I'm the best looking," said Arthur as he preened and knocked a bit more dust off himself.
"Hrumph!" hrumphed Biggs.
"Stop hrumphing Biggs, it sounds like you've got wind," chided Sid the dwarf.
"Can you stop chiding me please Sid, you overgrown monkey in a man's suit," rebuked Biggs.
"Aye, do ye want me mother-in-law's axe up your gizzard?" threatened Sid as he motioned with his mother-in-law's axe. Biggs frowned at Sid and Sid frowned back. Biggs went for the hilt of his sword.
"Now come on you two, we're down in this dark dungeon with possible monsters all over the place and you want a fight. Just calm down and let's get out of here," said Arthur as he put his hand on Biggs' hand and lightly pushed Sid away.
So grumpily Sid and Biggs helped Arthur to get on the rope that led up to the dangerous room. He climbed up steadily, hand over hand until he got to the top then motioned for the other two to come. When Sid finally climbed out, and after looking back into the well he turned and looked at the fully armoured war-horse." What a lovely creature," he said, "what's his mane?"
"Mane, mane. Surely you mean name?" Said Arthur as he pulled a funny face trying to understand the dwarf's reasoning.
"Sorry, I do Spoonerisms sometimes without knowing," said Sid apologetically.
"We haven't decided on a name yet," said Biggs. "What do you think?"
"What about Fawh, for fully armoured war-horse?" suggested Arthur a light seeming to ping on in his brain.
"A bit of a stupid name for one so good looking isn't it Arthur?" said a sarcastic Biggs not realising that he had also paid Arthur a compliment.
"Go on then, you think of one," retorted Arthur.
Biggs thought for a moment then said in a resigned manner, "Oh never mind, we'll call the dumb animal Fawh."
"Who said I was a dumb animal?" said the fully armoured war-horse.
This shocked Biggs, Arthur and Sid because they hadn't expected a talking fully armoured war-horse.
"We could put him on guard duty, or do the circuses, 'Biggs, Arthur, Sid and the talking horse'," said Sid the dwarf.
"Look Author, why do you insist on ending my speech invariably on 'said Sid the dwarf'? You don't say Biggs the human or Arthur the good looking one," said Sid the dwarf.
"That's it, you said it again. If you don't stop I'll not continue with this adventure," threatened Sid as he thumped his battle-axe on the floor in anger.
"Oh come on Sid, I'm just trying to get a few laughs," I said as I continued to type, hoping that he wouldn't poke his battle axe through the screen to give me a nasal haircut.
"I bet you're just picking on me because I'm short," Sid.
"Oh no I'm not," author.
"Oh yes he is," Biggs and Arthur.
"Right you lot if you don't pack it in I'm going to stop typing!" I said taking my fingers off the keyboard.
Biggs cajoled Arthur, "That's it Arthur, reach out and touch that keyboard. See if you can type us out of here."
Arthur started to type, because after all he was the tallest of the three.
arthr bigs an sid an faw went up. Typed Arthur just as the author came back and slapped his hands. Arthur had done something though. They had all returned to the surface and could now see the rest of the castle rising up into the sky, its granite walls steadfastly assaulting the sheep puff clouds, small plants trying to grow in its nooks and crevices. Birds flitting and flowing in the wind.
"Whew! I don't remember that," said Sid.
"Neither do we, seeing as we only started existing at the b
eginning of this book," said Biggs.
So they shuffled around a bit and started towards the portcullis that stood at the top of the path that they were now standing on.
As they got nearer to the gate they noticed that there was an ornate brass bell handle on the jamb so Sid decided to try and pull it but he was too small. He bobbed up and down and groaned trying to reach it but to no avail, still grimacing and now trying to pull up his breeches a little more.
Biggs, who had decided to be helpful for once said, "Want some help Sid?"
"Thanks for deciding to be helpful," said Sid as Biggs lifted him up to the door bell.
Sid rang the door bell and a large bronze clang resounded from the bell tower. "That's a loud clang," said Sid the dwarf, who seemed to be getting used to being called Sid the dwarf.
They waited for a while. Sid started to play with his battle-axe. Biggs wanted to pick his nose but after raising his hand to his nose decided that it was better not to in mixed company. Arthur started to whistle.
"Do you have to whistle Arthur, you know how it gets on my nerves," Biggs bemoaned.
"I didn't know that Biggs. Am I supposed to Author?"
"Yes," said I the author.
"Oh. Sorry Biggs but you know that I like to whistle."
"Am I supposed to know that Author?"
"Yes Biggs."
"Oh, well then. I'll have to wear earplugs if you want to whistle," said Biggs taking some sheep's wool from his pouch and stuffing it in his ears, "I knew this would come in useful."
Sid continued to try and pick his nails with his mother-in-law's battle-axe, the point being long enough for his nails but not for his ears.
The door creaked open revealing a monk of the order of Short.
"Oh look a Short Order monk," said Sid as he dropped his mother in law's axe.
"Excuse me mister monk, can you let us into the castle please?" asked Biggs.
"Well not really, you see we monks just rent the front two rooms of this castle from the dark lord and the rest is bricked off. You see we couldn't afford to build a monastery of our own."
"So is there no way in through this entrance?"
"No you'll have to go round the back there's another entrance there but you'll have to go through the Swampy Swamp if you go to the left or over the Gorgey Gorge and across the Rickety Bridge if you go to the right."
"Mmm. I'll have to see what my buddies say. What sayest thou o surly dwarf called Sid?"