"I dunno. Whatever you want."
"Givest thou opinion Arthur of the Britons?"
"I don't like the sound of the Swampy Swamp or the sound of the Rickety Bridge, ask the monk which way he suggests."
The author went to make a cup of coffee.
"That's great isn't it," greated Arthur "We just have to hang around until the author makes his cup of coffee."
"Sorry," said I returning with a steaming cup of coffee.
"Anyway, what's your name brother?" asked Biggs.
"I am Brother Wherewithall but you can call me With."
"That's a funny sort of name for a monk isn't it?"
"Well we're a funny sort of order."
"Short order, With," said Arthur.
"With what?" asked Sid.
"With is short for Wherewithal, and my surname is Crispinson so they call me Crisps."
"So that's Short order, With Crisps."
Arthur stepped forward, "This is our friendly dwarf Sid. He seems to be a bit slow sometimes but I'm sure that's just how the author made him," said Arthur. "My name's Arthur and this is Biggs," he pointed to Biggs with the tip of his sword.
"Pleased to meet you all. Well I think that the best way is over the Rickety Bridge but with that fully armoured war horse of yours I think that it might collapse. I know my way through the Swamp but you still have to be careful of the swamp thing."
Arthur clutched his collar and feigned a shiver, "That sounds ominous. We've just had to fight a dark and dire monster."
"Of the hulking breathing type?" asked With.
"Yes, how did you know that?" questioned Sid.
With proceeded to tell them, "Oh that's one of my specialities, knowing about monsters," he started to reel off his skills, "then there's medicine, astrophysics, veterinary surgery, mathematics, law, pottery, poetry, English literature, and the casting out of demons."
"Ooh!" Exclaimed the three buddies together, all surprised and awed at the last skill.
"Isn't that last one a bit cranky, you know, a bit weird?" asked Arthur, pointing a finger in With's direction.
Surprised by their audacity he answered them, "Well what else are monks useful for, if you want me on the case then you have to accept me C.V. and all," he nodded his head to bring home the force of his argument.
"All right then, being the battle chieftain leader of the Britons I delegate thee the Royal monk in charge of all those things that you can do and casting out demons," delegated Arthur.
Sid and Biggs stepped forward and started to pat With on the back and shake his hand.
"Well we've got a monk, a dwarf, a fighter and a fool all we need now is a wizard," said Biggs.
With looked aghast, "No, I'm sorry, you can't have a wizard and a Christian monk, they just don't go."
"Why's that?" asked Sid the dwarf.
"Well one of my jobs is to cast out demons and the wizard uses his power which he derives from demons."
"So then, you'd have to cast out his demons and then he'd be powerless," said Arthur.
"Yes."
"Couldn't we have a pretend wizard, you know, one who does conjuring tricks and flashes and bangs etc."
"Well of course, I wouldn't object to that, in fact I know of someone. Where is his card?" After patting around his cassock With brought out a card and gave it to Arthur. "Here it is."
Arthur read slowly, "Uncle Lee, balloon modelling, conjuring tricks, puppetry and bad jokes. 32 Orange Bush Lane, Undercastleton." He peered at the monk then asked him, "Where's Undercastleton With?"
"Oh it's the other side of the castle, on a little windy road in the valley. If we get around the other side I'll take you down," he turned and went inside the monastery shouting, "let me just get my backpack and staff," as he went.
After getting his backpack and staff, brother With closed the big double doors and put a note on the door. Enter at own risk.
They all started off in the direction of the Rickety Bridge whistling a happy tune.
CHAPTER THREE
A bird tweeted on the gnarled, dead carcass of a tree. The sun baked the Gorgey Gorge and a light breeze wafted the dead leaves and dry grass.
Over the rise appeared the little band of adventurers, Sid still trying to whistle his favourite tune. They came to the Rickety Bridge. It looked very rickety.
"This bridge looks very rickety, and look how many spells are missing," said Arthur in a typical battle chieftain's upper class tones.
"I told you it was," said With. "Let me make a suggestion. I'll go across to check it's still safe and you choose someone to go with me."
Arthur looked at Sid, "Sid, you go with With seeing as you're the smallest and lightest."
"What do I want to go with With for, with all respects Arthur I don't have the wherewithal to go with Wherewithal."
"Will you go Biggs?" asked Arthur.
"I don't want to go with him."
"I'll go," said Fawh.
"Oh, a talking horse," said With.
"Yes a talking horse," said Arthur. "No Fawh, you're too heavy it has to be Sid the dwarf or nothing."
"Please let it be nothing," quivered Sid as another set of arrows fell from the sky.
"Impressive," said With, "I'll go on my own and take a rope with me."
With alighted the Rickety Bridge and carefully trod upon each spell. There was a creak and one of the spells gave way so that he had to grab hold of the ropes on each side. The bridge seemed very rickety but With made it across and tied the rope to another tree stump.
"I'll go second," said Biggs and he tied the other end of the safety rope to his waist and picked his way across. (This time without his pick.)
Biggs untied the rope and tied a big stick to it then hurled it across to Sid who bound it round his waist. The bridge creaked and another spell broke.
Lastly Arthur spoke to Fawh, "We'll have to leave you here for now old chap."
"I understand," whinnied Fawh.
Arthur also nearly made it all the way across but fell through the floor of the bridge. Fortunately his cape caught on a piece of the bridge and he just hung there, swinging in the wind.
"Well can't you give me a hand then you lot?" He shouted to the others.
Biggs piped up, "Stop complaining Arthur, the author won't have you fall into that yawning chasm."
Just then the chasm yawned and said, "Just leave him there please, I haven't eaten in ages."
This scared Arthur so much that he kicked and struggled and managed to get a hand hold on another part of the bridge. Pulling himself up he then dragged himself across the rest of the bridge. "That's it you lot, what are friends for if they can't rescue you," he puffed and panted.
"I'm sorry Arthur," said Biggs, "I would of rescued you if I hadn't been acting so clever."
"I would have rescued you as well," said Sid, "but all that drink I had last night has worn off."
"I was praying for you Arthur," said With, "and it must have worked because you're safe now."
"Very funny With, it was the fear of getting eaten by a chasm that rescued me." Arthur dusted himself off. "Come on then, let's get going then."
"Bye Fawh, see you at the castle gates," shouted Sid.
"I can get to mum's at ten to ten," said the author's wife who was helping him by reading the story out loud while he typed.
They all rambled down the hill and into the valley and it took a good fifteen minutes to get in to the first town, one of two in the valley, it was called g;lkhglkhg.
The town of g;lkhglkhg was a nice little market town but was not as friendly as Undercastleton. It was a market day and the smell of sheep and cattle was in the air.
"Excuse me Author, why is this town called g;lkhglkhg?" asked Sid.
I replied, "When I was typing I couldn't think of a name so I just hit a few keys."
; "But g;lkhglkhg is a bit hard to pronounce," said Biggs, "especially with that semi-colon as the second letter, why don't you change it?"
"Any suggestions?" I asked.
"Hummm," said Sid, "You could call it Geetooelkhage because you've got a gee and two lkhg's."
"Or Gilkhag by Elkhag," said Arthur.
"OK, we'll call it Gilkhag by Elkhag," said the author, "and we'll do the entering town bit again."
The town of Gilkhag by Elkhag was a nice little market town except that it wasn't by Elkhag at all, it was by Undercastleton.
It was market day and they all pushed through the crowd. There were many sights and sounds, cattle lowing, market traders shouting their wares, street entertainers performing.
A juggler, a one eyed juggler, was throwing fire sticks.
"How did you lose your eye?" asked Sid.
"Somebody asked me a question while I was juggling," replied the juggler as he dropped his fire sticks one by one.
"Sorry!" said Sid. "Here, have a couple of shillings."
"Oranges, lemons Bell's of St. Clemens," pitched a fruiterer.
"Isn't that a children's rhyme Sir?" asked Arthur.
"No, my name's Ivan Bell, and I'm a fruiterer from St. Clemens, do you want to buy something?"
"Erm," ermed Arthur, "some oranges and lemons Mister Bell's from St. Clemens."
Ivan handed Arthur the fruit and asked, "Two silver please?"
"Would that be two silver shillings, or two silver united fantasy currency units?"
"We're not unionists here. Give me two shillings."
"Ouch!" said the purse, "Did you have to dig into me so hard?"
"Great," greated Arthur, "a talking purse. Listen Author, does everything speak in this fantasy world?"
"Only if I think it might get a laugh," I replied.
"Har, har. There's your laugh," harred Arthur.
They continued past the other stalls. A small crowd had gathered around a puppet theatre and were listening to the antics of the puppets Joe and Joella. Joe began to speak in his low voice, "Don't you call me a liar Joella, otherwise I'll bless you."
"I haven't sneezed yet Joe," replied the high pitched voice of Joella.
"You will if I bless you with a brotherly slap round the nose."
"Violence breeds violence. I'll call the Sheriff of Undercastleton."
"Oh no you won't."
And the crowd joined in, "Oh yes she will."
"Oh no you won't," said Joe again.
"Oh yes she will," replied the crowd.
"That's it," Joella strumped "Sheriff, Joe's going to beat me."
Joe fell to the stage floor, motionless and a few seconds later the sheriff came through the door.
"Now then, now then, now then. What have we here? A fight, a brawl, a breach of the peace or just a family dispute?" thundered the Sheriff.
"A family dispute," whined Joella.
"And I can guess who it is who is causing it. Come on then Joe, I want you to come down to the prison with me."
"Oh please don't, I'll say sorry and never do it again."
"OK then, say it."
"Sorry and never do it again."
"Righto then I'll let you go. And let that be a moral to you children, you can truly be forgiven if you say sorry and repent."
The curtains closed and about two minutes later a medium sized mandarin vacated the puppet theatre and started to offer his hat around.
"This is Brother Lee," said With as he introduced Lee to the others. Then, "This is Arthur of the Britons, Sir Biggs and Sid the dwarf," as he introduced the others to Lee. "Would you come to adventure with us?" he asked.
"Well, it is the height of the tourist season here in Gilkhag by Elkhag and Undercastleton."
"Rescue a princess?" offered With.
"A princess you say? Well I might think about it."
"Defeat a dark lord," said Sid the dwarf.
"I don't know."
"Kill a fire breathing dragon," said Biggs.
"Uum."
"Get half of the kingdom and the princesses hand in marriage for me," putted in Arthur.
"I don't think so," said Lee, shaking his head.
"You'd better do it or else," said a voice.
"Who said that?" asked Brother Lee.
Said the author, "Yes it was me."
"Well that puts a different perspective on it then doesn't it? Just let me get my gear and while I'm provisioning myself you can all have a cup of tea."
The group trooped over a bridge and into Undercastleton the friendlier of the two towns.
Brother Lee's cottage had a lovely rose hedge with a gate leading into a well stocked herb garden. He fumbled for the key hanging around his neck.
"Please come in," he said as he opened the door.
They entered into the roomy but well cluttered hall and began to dump their rucksacks on the floor by the bookcase and piano.
Sid the dwarf looked admiringly, "'Tis a nice place you have here Lee, do ye own it yerself?"
"I do Sid, paid for with my puppet theatre and conjuring tricks. I get fifty gold coloured coins an hour for children's parties!"
"I could do puppet theatres, Uncle Sid, children's dwarf entertainer."
"I could do them as well, Uncle Arthur of the Britons, children's kingly entertainer."
Biggs started, "I could do them as well, Uncle..."
"I think that's enough," said the author, "things are starting to get silly, you can't carry a joke on that long."
"Monty Python sketches do," dobbed Biggs.
"And so do Sesame Street sketches," said Sid the dwarf.
The others looked at Sid as he curled up on the nice high backed armchair in front of the empty fire grate.
"The kettle's on in the kitchen. Do you all take milk and sugar?" asked Lee.
"Two for me and no milk," said Biggs.
"All the rest have milk and one sugar," said Arthur.
Sid piped, "None for me and no sugar."
"Yearch!" chorused the others who all looked at Sid with disdain.
"It must be because he's a Scottish dwarf," thought Arthur out loud.
Sid decided to help Lee, "I'll help you make the tea," he said. "I can make it as well as my mother-in-law."
Suddenly Sid's mother-in-law fell from the roof. "Right then, I'll make the tea and you lot sit down," said Sid the dwarf's mother-in-law.
Brother Lee was quite bemused but showed Sid's mother-in-law to the kitchen, "Here's the crockery and the tea bags are in this pot, here's the milk and sugar," showed Lee.
Sid's mother-in-law was amazing, tea and crumpets and the washing up afterwards. Everyone agreed that she did a good job.
"That was very nice Sid's mother-in-law, by the way what do we call you?" wanted to know Arthur.
"You can call me Mum," she said just before she disappeared up into the roof again.
"That's very useful of her Sid", said Biggs "does she always drop in unexpectedly, like?"
"At the oddest times, but she has a good heart and a beautiful dwarven daughter who has a fair beard." Sid spoke remembering his wife. "I hope this adventure doesn't take too long I want to get back to her and the sprogs."
Lee walked back into the room and addressed the assembly, "I'm ready now, I've packed some useful things into my giant rucksack."
"Righto, I'm the leader", said Arthur "so we'll go. Have you remembered everything Lee?"
Lee thought for a moment and then said, "The next door neighbour's looking after the cat and the dragon can look after himself."
Sid looked especially afraid, "D, d, dragon!"
"Yes, it's a Chinese dinosaur that spits a kind of acid, like a bombardier beetle. It's only a baby at the moment, about twenty foot (5 ? metres) long. Oh, and contrary to popular opinion it can't fly, the ones that do are called Pter
anadons or Pterodactyls, but they don't breathe acid," Lee elucidated.
They all looked at each other and then Arthur led the way to the hall, "I wish these rucksacks weren't so heavy." He groaned as he put his on.
When they were ready, Brother Lee locked the door and stroked the dragon goodbye then they set off again to the castle.
CHAPTER FOUR
It took a good half hour to find their way back to the bridge and Fawh. The sun was high in the sky and they were getting quite hot. Arthur shouted across to Fawh, "All right boy, we'll be over soon."
They had bought some boards with them and Arthur went over first putting the planks in between the rope holdings of the bridge. He stroked Fawh and gave him some sugar, "Righto then you lot, assemble on the near bank, pronto."
Biggs sulked, "Oh yes Great Arthur of the Britons."
"Are you sulking again Biggs, if you keep on sulking I'm not going to keep you second in charge." shouted Arthur.
"Do you have to shout Arthur, I have a headache from this hot sun," moaned Biggs.
"Sulking and moaning now is it, well then, With, have you got anything in that medicine bag to cure a headache?" questioned Arthur in a sort of quizzical way.
The rest of the band all walked across the safer rickety bridge, which was now christened the safer bridge, and With opened his medical bag and drew out a stethoscope, a pressure gauge and a box of Aspirin. After listening to Biggs's heart and taking his blood pressure he said, "Take two of these and lie down for half an hour in the shade."
"Well that's put a kybosh on the adventure, we've only been gone half an hour and now we're having to stop," wailed Arthur.
"You do realise that we have to go back the other way to the front of the castle," said Biggs, "because the back door is the only way in, unless you want to try to find your way in through the dungeon?"
This jolted Arthur, "Oh yes, I forgot about that. Well then while we have some lunch and a cup of tea and you rest in the shade of this gnarled tree with this twittering bird, we'll discuss it and then take a vote on the best way in."
Lee put some flash powder on the floor and some dry twigs and touched it with a spark from his tinder box, the fire flashed into life.
"Whay-hay," whay-hayed Sid, "that's useful stuff, what is it?"
"It's called flash powder," Lee replied, "it'll be really useful if we come across any monsters in the dark."
"I think we ought to take the dungeon route," thought Biggs, "because we might not be let in at the back door."
"Sensible," empathised Arthur," it's no good advertising that we're trying to rescue a princess from the dark lord by ringing on his door bell and asking us to let him in."