“That was Neil who said that…”
“Oh, because we were actually looking for someone to oversee the mood of heaven, you know just so things don’t get too dull; we were hoping you’d stay and help us out.”
“There’s no way. What? You’re funny, but that’s not why you’re out here?”
“Well okay, I mean it’s not really a job title per se, it is everyone’s job there, but some seem to make things more lively than others. We really enjoyed you coming, and hope you come back.”
“I don’t… wait….” I was sure I was crazy at that point; I had hit my head when I fell. I closed my eyes and opened them again, and he was still there, drawing in the dirt. “No one even saw me,” I blurted.
“hmmm… did you ask everyone whether they saw you or not?”
“Of course not, but the only people I saw, was one couple way more into each other than in noticing me.”
“Would you want to go back?”
“I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation, I don’t even believe it.”
Christ chuckled.
“What?” I questioned.
“It’s just funny.”
“Why? Cause I just met Jesus in hell; well, in a dessert in the out skirts of hell to be precise.”
“That is pretty funny you’d have to admit,” he replied.
I chuckled, but more out of disbelief of the reality I was in. “Yes, it’s hilarious.”
Christ chuckled again.
“I don’t get you… I don’t even know what to say.”
Then I laughed, this time for real.
He was quiet and then stopped drawing and looked up at me, “What is keeping you from heaven?”
I was shocked, and I started to cry. Memories of when I arrived here on the other side flashed through my mind, and how I almost got on the train to heaven. Again I forgot where I was, or who I thought I was, and just started speaking from my heart.
“I stopped for a drink at the train station, and kind of just got distracted. I saw the trains come in, and I knew where they were headed, but I couldn’t imagine myself just getting on the train and acting like I’d never done anything wrong or hurt anybody.”
Chapter 6
“I hated that I couldn’t imagine myself on that train, and I hated that I couldn’t imagine how I ended up hurting so many people.” I continued to tell him, he continued to intently listen to me spill my heart to him.
“There was someone at the lounge there that I overheard, what he said, was about how that whole thing with earth was a trap, and he’d been to hell, and it wasn’t full of demons; just like heaven isn’t full of anyone better than anyone of us.
The trains kept coming in, and I figure they always would, I figured I could walk over to hell, and then find my way back to the station if I didn’t like it there.
Well I walked there, and never made my way back to the station, I did wander though, through every part of here actually, especially farther in that direction,” I said pointing toward heaven, “and then I found that hill where I could look down and pretend I was there; you know, try heaven out in my dreams?”
Christ just nodded and kept listening.
“Why was it so hard?” I asked.
He took and deep breath and replied, “Sometimes we have to pass through hell, to leave everything that belongs there, before we can enter to where we were designed to be. Alan, you weren’t designed for earth, and you definitely weren’t designed for hell either, no one is.”
“But why did it seem hell was a part of me?”
“There are things that only mix temporarily, but then each thing clings to its own; only then can one whole part be pulled out.”
“So the whole thing was to pull the hell out of me?”
“It was the only way.”
“Why was there hell in me to start with?”
“Why do you think?” he asked.
“I don’t know.”
“It would have taken thousands of years of hell slowly creeping into us, before we would even know what it was. At that slow a change, we would forget who we were, and who we were meant to be. You may think you were baptized in hell on earth, but really hell didn’t creep that far into you.
You felt awkward, you tried to fit in. You were lost and got scared a few times, but mud getting splattered on your face is not the same as mud in your heart. Even stepping in the mud or playing around in it wouldn’t be enough to change your divine nature.”
“So you’re saying everyone in hell are just innocent people that got mud splattered in their face?”
Christ got very quiet.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come across antagonistic,” I apologized.
“I’m not offended; I just wish I could do more.”
“What do you mean?”
“The plan was not, and is not, to save some select few, or even most, but to save every single soul.”
“I don’t know how to say this… but I don’t think that’s going to happen. You probably haven’t been to the main city in hell, but there are a lot of people who seem to really like it there.”
“I know a lot more about hell than you would imagine. Same as how people in heaven couldn’t see you, in hell they don’t see me, but how else could I save someone, than go to where they are in danger.”
“So you have been to the center of hell?”
“The center, the out skirts, and every part in between.”
“So that was you that one time in the bar?”
“More than just that one time, but yes. I love you a lot more than I hate any bar. I really don’t like bars just so you know. But with yours, I didn’t see it as a bar, but as your first conception of trying to build a heaven around you.”
“It didn’t work though.”
“Only because you built it in hell. But most of what you wanted to put in it was good, people, music and happiness.”
“If only…”
“Come on, let’s go.”
“What?”
“You know you want to go, so let’s go,” he rallied.
“I can’t just walk in there,” I replied.
“Really?” he said trying not to laugh, but I was so anxious and tense, I didn’t realize why it was funny to him.”
“Oh yeah, I guess I have already been there… but that was different.”
“You’re right, it will be very different this time, you won’t be invisible, in fact, you will feel anything but invisible when you walk through that gate.”
“But anyone who doesn’t come through the front gate is a thief and a robber, I’ve heard that scripture, I should be cast out for sneaking in the side.”
“There’s a reason you couldn’t leave paradise alone,” he replied, and for the first time I really looked deep into his eyes, which were so gentle, yet strong. “You couldn’t let it alone, because you belong there.”
“With all those who honestly came through the front gate?”
He laughed, “no one honestly comes through the front gate, that’s why their family and friends are there to receive them, so people don’t turn away when they remember how unclean they really are.”
“I want to believe you.”
“Come with me I’ll show you,” he said beckoning as he stood up.
“I don’t know.”
“I know you want to be there,” he said crouching back down to my level.
“You already said I wanted to be there, that’s why I couldn’t leave the place darn well alone.”
“You may not feel that you want it enough, and that’s why there are loved ones waiting for you there, because we all haven’t wanted heaven quite enough, others can help us with that. And well, once you’re there, it just grows on you.”
“And who is there waiting for me?”
His eyes welled up, and his voice cracked as he spoke, “You can’t even imagine how many people love you so much.”
“Well they’re probably tired of waiting fo
r me by now.”
“Oh heavens no.”
“I didn’t see anyone I knew all those times I snuck in.
“You were invisible, and to you they were too.”
“What?”
“Yes. You will enjoy your triumphant welcome so much more, when you come through the main gate. That’s why it’s there. The wall doesn’t go around the city, and neither gate is locked.”
“What? You really mean to say the gate, and the wall, are just for looks?
“Well, as a symbolism, and a mile stone of course.”
“So how do you know I’m not going to go straight back into hell, and get an army and march right into the back of heaven and take the thing over.”
“Neil is already sneaking in right now; but he’s not trying to take it over, he’s there to save you, not from us, but from yourself.”
“There’s no way, no one in hell cares about me, not even Neil.”
“Neil does, and coupling that love, with a deep curiosity to know what heaven is really like, he’s already through the gate and into the alleyway.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I feel it. Can’t you feel it?”
“I try not to feel.”
“Oh you should, it’s wonderful.”
My scoff sunk the curiosity right into my heart. Oh great! I accidently broke the seal on Pandora’s box. Like the time before in the temple, but this time I couldn’t seem to muster up the hate to fight off the other emotions.
Finally I pulled myself out of the drunkenness of emotion and spoke, “so how can I believe what you are saying is true?”
“Why don’t we wait for your friend to come back out of the gate?”
“Fair enough,” I agreed and we both stood up and walked back. It was a long walk, and part of me wished he would’ve spoken to distract my mind, but another part of me was more scared of what he would have said. Finally we arrived and just as we had, there came Neil right back out the gate.
“Neil!” I called out.
Startled he turned to see who I was, “Oh there you are!” he replied.
“It’s not just me,” I replied, but as I turned to point at Christ, he was gone.
Chapter 7
I was confused, but my thoughts turned back to Neil. “How far did you go?” I asked him.
“Far enough to fear I was getting lost.”
“Why’d you go in there?”
“I went in to find you. I’d really like to think we still at least might have the chance to go in there; not that we would, but you know, just stay on good terms, just in case.”
“I think we actually can,” I told him.
“What do you mean?” Neil asked.
“I think we are allowed to walk right in the front gate, and not just that, but that we will be welcomed when we get there.”
“And live there? Not just skulk around?”
“We can, in fact they want us there.”
“What? There’s no way that’s true.”
“It is. We just have to go in through the front gate.”
“I can’t imagine they won’t just assault us and throw us back to hell.”
“No, I think quite the opposite.”
“How do you know?”
“I did actually make it all the way to the palace, and let’s just say after I made hell of the throne room, I ran out and Christ ran after me.”
“What do you mean you made a hell out of it?”
“I made a hell of a mess. But that’s the thing, no one was mad. In fact I think it was a plot to get me to stay.”
“Why you?”
“He wants all of us there.”
“There’s no way he’s trying to merge heaven and hell.”
“He’s not, but he is trying to get us to leave everything that belongs in hell there, and then go stay in heaven.”
“Was that the plan the whole time?”
“Yeah,” I replied feeling excitement build inside of me.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want to be there?” I said pointing towards paradise.
“I don’t know, a little maybe.”
“Why?”
“Well, hell’s kind of boring, and really, I do want to see a few people there.”
I just started to cry because for the first time I could truly feel. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, how much so many people wanted him there. They knew where we were, and what we were contemplating, and they were praying for both of us with their whole heart.
Suddenly I could feel even more intensely. Faces started to pass through my mind and I could see they were all in the action of prayer. Each on their lips I could read his name. And then my name…
“If I go in there will you follow me?” I asked him.
“You’re really going in there?”
“We belong there, and they’re all waiting, we can go back to hell later if we don’t end up liking it, but I really think we will,” I turned and I walked toward the gate. Neil sat there it utter disbelief.
Chapter 8
I felt so nervous as I stepped onto the road in front of the main gate, I thought I was going to pass out. Each breath was conscious and forced, each step was weak and trembling, and each heart beat was stronger to the point my body shook as it resonated; it felt like it was coming apart at the seams.
I thought I could see through the gaps in the iron workings of the gate, but when it started to open as I approached, I saw an innumerous amount of people crowded behind the gate cheering, clapping and crying. There were trumpets sounding and palm branches waving about.
There was only a small path through the crowd of people, and as I walked through they congratulated with either a hand on my arm or my back.
There were too many people to register everyone that I saw, but there were many familiar faces. I continued forward; there was so much commotion that I didn’t see him until I nearly ran into him. There Christ was, with the biggest smile, and he outstretched his arms and I ran the few steps to him and hugged him.
It was more beautiful than any dream, but I felt that all the beauty in all of my dreams was to prepare me to take in the beauty of that moment, and every moment after that.
“Welcome home,” he whispered, and although I had been to overwhelmed to cry up to this point, the safety and love I felt in his arms brought the sweetest and most powerful peace over me, and I cried, and cried, and cried some more.
When a got a hold of my emotions Christ said, “Look” and I turned and looked at the crowd of people. He raised his right hand and a reverence emanated, it was suddenly all perfectly quiet. All eyes were intently on him. And he spoke,
“Behold the beauty in his countenance, and the meekness and courage of his heart. Welcome.”
All attention turned to me as everyone began to cheer; I felt love in the eyes of everyone as they looked at me. Oh how beautiful it was.
People then kept filing up to greet and to congratulate me. Someone hugged me, and it took a second, but I recognized who he was; a childhood friend I had lost contact with. He started to turn as if to leave.
“Wait…”
“Oh we’ll talk. There are tons of people waiting to see you,” he replied with a smile and winked.
He was right, there were a lot of people that I recognized, and they were all so excited to see me. As he walked off, I turned to see who was greeting me, but I could also still see my old friend; I didn’t see him with my eyes, but my heart knew where he was and what he was feeling. I realized that I wouldn’t have a hard time finding him later, or finding anyone else for that matter.
I now understand what Christ meant when he could see Neil who was far away, and how beautiful feeling is.
Chapter 9
The clamor had started to calm down, a man approached my direction. I felt like I recognized him, but I didn’t know from where. He stopped and froze and just stared. I don’t know how, but I realized he was the man I saw through the bushes.
/> His eyes started to well up. I frantically racked my brain to figure out who he was, there was no way he was just someone I halfway saw through the branches; his face was too familiar, like I had always know him.
Then a sweet memory of when I was four years old came to mind, and I knew exactly who he was.
“Grandpa?”
He held out his arms and I ran to embrace him. It wasn’t that I couldn’t feel my sorrows anymore, it was as if they were never there. I felt safe, and loved. There were no words exchanged, we just held each other.
He didn’t speak, but I heard him, not like I had ever heard anything before, it was like I could hear him with my heart.
It wasn’t words, but beautifully vivid emotion. The only way I can describe it, was like a song that speaks to your soul, but perfectly beautiful and overflowing with love.
The thought came to me, “but where’s Grandma?” before the fear that never actually knowing her I might not recognize her came. Grandpa squeezed me a little before he let go, and when he did I saw her. She ran over and hugged me.
I was so full of happiness and gratitude and so many other emotions that I was laughing and crying and shaking.
When my emotions settled down we started to talk.
“Wait, so that was you that I saw through the bushes Grandpa?”
“Yes,’ he replied with a laugh.
“Did you know it was me?”
“I was pretty sure, though I couldn’t see you at all; I could just feel your presence. I prayed to God to know whether it was you. He made me promise that if he told me, that I would listen to what he said.
I said I would, but then when he opened my eyes to see you, he had to keep me from running to you.”
“Why?”
“It wasn’t the time yet. I begged and pleaded, and promised that you would hear me out, that you would not run away. But after my emotion settled, I felt an overwhelming peace come over me, that you were in His hands, and that soon enough you would be here to stay.”
Then Grandma spoke, “And even though your grandpa probably shouldn’t have, he announced it to at least half of all of heaven that his grandson was coming home.”
“So is that why there was literally no one between there and the thrown?”
“Yeah, your grandpa cleared the streets at least a few blocks in any given direction of the course you might take. God’s not one for secrets and He couldn’t keep it from your grandpa what you were up to.”
“So why was it Christ that had to be the one to talk to me, if he was someone I never knew?”