Chapter 4
Trish shot up, startled and disoriented. The phone rang again, and she looked at the clock on the night stand. Eight o’clock!? She reached for the phone on the other side of the bed – apparently Jake’s side – and answered on the third ring.
“Trish? Is everything alright?”
“Mom! Hi. Yes, everything is fine. Are y’all okay?”
“Yes, honey, everyone here is great. We called you at the office, but no one answered, and I got worried.”
“I guess I overslept, Mom. I’m glad you called and woke me up.” Trish chanced a glance down at Jake and found him looking up at her with sleepy eyes. “How’s everything going? Having fun?”
“Someone wants to talk to you, honey, hold on.”
“Mommy?”
“Hey, Trevor. How are you, son? Are you having a good time?”
“We’re having a great time, Mom. We’re going on the boat tomorrow, so I’m not sure if we can call you for a few days. I miss you, Mom. Do you miss me?”
Trish’s eyes filled with tears. She cleared her throat. “I miss you every minute of every day, son. I can’t wait for you and Lex to get home, baby. I’m so glad you’re having fun. How’s your sister?”
Jake reached to take Trish’s hand in his, but she moved it and put more space between them. He watched her closely as she continued talking.
“Hey Lexie. How’s Momma’s baby girl?” Trish continued to talk to her daughter, smiling through her tears, finding it hard to concentrate on the conversation when regrets and fears consumed her. What the hell have I done?
Trish wiped at her tears and said her final I love you’s and sent kisses through the phone line, gaining promises that they would be good for Gram. She hung up and held her head in her hand as she tried to pull herself together.
Jake sat up and touched her shoulder only to see her stiffen noticeably. He pulled his hand back and carefully asked, “How are the kids?”
Trish took a deep breath. “They’re fine, having a good time. I have to get ready for work. I’m already late.”
So, this is how it’s going to be. Morning regrets and alienation. Jake felt his stomach plummet along with a pain in his chest in the vicinity of his heart.
“I thought you didn’t open until nine. It’s just after eight.”
“I’m always there by seven at the latest. I have to go take a shower.”
“Okay.”
Trish got out of bed and practically ran to the bathroom. She felt vulnerable and extremely naked. Part of that was the fact that she wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothing, but part of it had to do with the raw emotions churning through her.
How could I have let this happen? What the hell was I thinking? This is not what I want or need. God, how am I going to get out of this without hurting Jake? What am I saying? How am I going to get out without hurting myself? This was all my fault. God, please let him be gone when I get out of the shower.
Trish took a longer shower than she’d wanted to in hopes that by drawing it out, Jake would leave. No such luck. She dried off and grabbed her white terry cloth robe off the hook in back of the door and shoved her arms through it, tying it tightly at the waist. She gingerly opened the door and peeked out into the bedroom. Jake sat on the bed, fully dressed and waiting for her.
While Trish had been in the shower, Jake had had time to think and calm down his nerves as well as his temper. Trish obviously felt defensive. The question was, why? They’d spent an incredible night together, and he didn’t think he was alone in his feelings that it had been way more than just scratching an itch. No way in hell that Trish could have made love with him like that if it had been just about the sex. They’d shared more than their bodies, exchanged more than physical pleasure. Something was going on here. One way or another, he planned to find out what it was, and by God, he would knock down every last damn wall she put up between them.
“Jake…”
“Don’t even think you’re going to brush this or me off, Trish. Not going to happen.”
“Excuse me? Look, last night was … nice. It was great.”
“I thought so, too.”
“Jake, as great as it was, it was a one shot deal, okay? We’re both adults, and I’m hoping we can stay friends, but a repeat performance is out of the question.”
“A repeat performance? I hate to break it to you, honey, but that was no performance. There was not acting involved, and I don’t ‘perform’ on demand.”
“I didn’t mean it like that, Jake. I have responsibilities. I can’t be involved with you or anyone else right now. Not for a long time. While I thoroughly enjoyed last night, it was last night and not today. Nothing is going to come of it, okay?”
“Trish, everyone in the free world has responsibilities, and they manage to maintain relationships at the same time. I’m so glad to hear you enjoyed last night, but I’m afraid I’m not ready to end it there. What’s really going on here, Trish? Talk to me, for Christ’s sake.”
“I am talking to you, but you’re not listening. I’m not interested in carrying this any further. I have my kids to think about, my job, and I have to stick to the plan.”
“Maybe you wouldn’t mind sharing with me what exactly the plan is, then. How about it, Trish? What’s the plan you’ve mapped out so carefully, and where do I fit into it?”
“That’s just it, Jake, you don’t fit into it. The plan is to dig myself out of the hole I’m in and raise my kids with as much stability as possible. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for work.”
Trish started past him, but he stepped in front of her and pulled her to him. “Sorry, Trish, but that doesn’t work for me.” He crushed his mouth to hers. There was nothing gentle about it. It was raw, just like his feelings. He plundered her mouth as soon as she opened for him, holding her head in place until he felt her responding. He continued the onslaught until they were both breathless.
“I think it’s time to reevaluate the plan, Trish, and you better make sure I’m in there somewhere. What we shared last night wasn’t anything either of us will forget about any time soon. If you think it was just sex, you’d better rethink it. We’re not going to be just friends, Trish, much less friends with benefits. I don’t know what’s got you so spooked, but we’re going to figure it out. Together. You’re going to have to talk to me. You’re right, we’re both adults. It’s time you started acting like one.”
“Just who the hell do you think you are, Jake? You don’t tell me what I’m going to do and what I’m not going to do. You’re not in charge of my life, I am. You can’t just lay down the law and expect me to fall into line. And as far as acting like an adult, believe me, I’m there. I have two kids to raise, no husband, and I grew up a long time ago, so don’t you dare suggest otherwise. I’m up to my eyebrows in adulthood. You have no idea what I’ve been through, so don’t you sit there and read me the riot act.”
“That’s right, I don’t know what you’ve been through, because you haven’t shared it with me. Why don’t you tell me, Trish? Help me understand why you’re willing to throw this away without even giving it – giving me – a chance. I don’t know about your past, but I know you’re hurting, and I know you’re scared. I want to be there for you. You just have to let me.”
“I don’t need you or anyone else to be there for me. I don’t need anyone’s help. I can take care of things all by myself. That’s the way I like it.”
“Well, too damn bad. You’re not going to just use me and walk away. I’m not walking, so you can just forget about it.”
“Out! Get out of my house. I have to get ready for work.”
“Fine, I’ll leave. But I’m coming back tonight, and we’re going to talk this through. That’s what adults do, Trish. They don’t run away when they’re scared, they face their fears with the people who are important in their lives, and they work through
them. I plan on being important in your life, Trish. You’re already important in mine.” He bent down and kissed her hard and fast one more time, and turned around and left without a backwards glance.
Trish touched her lips and continued to stare at the door where Jake had just exited. She already felt colder without him. Crap. She would not depend on him. She would only depend on herself. Less chance for disaster that way. She didn’t want to talk to him about anything. She was facing her fears and conquering them. She didn’t need his help or anyone else’s to get her life in order and keep it that way.
Trish knew she’d hurt him, knew she would hurt him more before she was through, or more aptly, until she convinced him that they were through. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she couldn’t chance trusting him with her future or that of her children. So what if he seemed reliable and solid. She knew well that you couldn’t trust impressions of people. She’d believed in Pete, too, and look where that had landed her. She’d relied on her husband to watch out for her and the kids, to work with her as a full partner, only to find out that he’d lied to her for years and ruined their life together. She would not take a chance on another man again. The only person she could and would trust was herself.
Trish got dressed, put her hair in a braided bun on top of her head and went to work. She arrived at five minutes to nine. She walked inside and saw Diana at the front desk, getting organized for her day, which is what she should have been doing hours ago.
“I just called you, Trish. Is everything alright? This is the first time I’ve ever beat you to work. Are you feeling ok?”
“Yeah, sure. I just overslept is all. Everything okay here?”
“Yes, everything’s good. You have an appointment at ten thirty at the Ysleta ISD offices to discuss new teacher professional development. Other than that, you’re open until school lets out at three thirty when you’ve got three kids coming in for testing. We have twelve scheduled for tutoring with four teachers coming in to assist.”
“Thank God you’re more organized than I am. I couldn’t function, much less make a profit without you, Di. Thanks.”
“Please, you’re the most organized, hard working person I know. I’ve prepared half a dozen folders for you to take with you to your meeting highlighting our services. I’ll have them ready for you, so you can grab them on your way out. Why don’t you go review your presentation? You have a good hour before you have to leave.”
“I’ll do that. Thanks again, Di. Everything okay with you? You look a little tired.”
Diana looked away from her, but Trish was so preoccupied, she didn’t notice. “Everything is fine, thanks.”
By the end of the day, Trish should’ve been feeling ecstatic. She’d signed a contract with the Ysleta school district to present literacy training for all their new teachers later in the month, and she’d signed three more students up for reading interventions and tutoring. It had been an eventful and profitable day. So, why did she feel so rotten?
Calling herself all kinds of coward, she called Eva and asked her if she wanted to meet her for dinner. After asking Eva to call Callie and see if she wanted to join them, they agreed to meet at seven at a Mexican restaurant close by. Dare she hope that Jake would eventually get bored and leave when she didn’t show up? Probably not, but she’d hope anyway. What the hell, anything was possible.
Trish went directly from the Lit Center to the restaurant, staying late at work trying to catch up on some things. Eva and Callie were waiting for her in the lobby, and when they were seated, everyone got quiet, Callie and Eva sneaking peeks at Trish over their menus. The waitress took their order, and they munched on chips and salsa while they waited for their food.
“We had a good day today, ladies. I signed our first professional development contract and continue to sign up new testing and tutoring sessions. We’re growing.”
“Super, Trish,” Callie answered. “Most businesses don’t see a profit for the first couple of years, and you’re already there.”
Trish offered a tentative smile. “We’re already there, partners. Not much of a profit yet, but headed in that direction.”
Eva chimed in asking, “So, if we had such a great day, why do you seem so down?”
“I’m not down. I’m … miserable.” Trish dabbed impatiently at the tears in her eyes. Both her friends reached for her at the same time.
“What’s the matter, Trish? Tell us all about, so we can solve it and you can conquer and move on.” Callie looked at her friend and tried to encourage her.
“Oh, Callie, I wish it was that easy. Last night, Jake and I … we …”
“Oh shit, you did the deed? Wow, this is huge. So, was it awful? Why are you so unhappy?” Callie looked obviously puzzled as to why getting together with Jake was a negative.
“It was fantastic. The best sex I’ve ever had. My God, he was … great. I mean, he was spectacular. I’ve never felt that way before, not even with Pete.” Trish used the menu to fan herself.
“So, what’s the problem?” Both women waited for her to answer Callie’s question.
“Seeing things in the light of day is the problem. I can’t believe we actually, you know. I mean I’ve got the kids to think about and the Lit Center. I don’t have time for anything other than a one night stand, and he wants more.”
Callie grinned. “Well, isn’t this a switch? First of all, I’m not sure what having kids and a career has to do with having a relationship with someone. I mean, Jake loves your kids, and he certainly knows what it’s like to run your own business. I can’t imagine he wouldn’t understand on either count.”
“That’s not the problem. I just don’t want to be involved with anyone. Ever.” Trish wondered if she looked as miserable as she felt.
“So, this isn’t about Jake as much as it’s about you, is that right?” Eva watched her patiently as she reached for another chip.
“I guess so. I mean I really like him. He’s wonderful. I respect him, and he’s great with the kids.”
“So, what’s the problem?” Eva dipped her chip into the salsa. “You make him sound pretty good, so I’m confused. What is it about him you don’t like?”
“I can’t think of a thing I don’t like.” Trish’s blue eyes looked at her friends and blinked to keep the tears at bay.
Callie looked at her with a confused expression on her face. “What am I missing?”
Eva said, “I’m thinking this has less to do with Jake and more to do with Pete, am I right?”
“I guess. Maybe. I’m so confused.” Trish sat back and huffed out a breath.
Callie patted her friend’s hand again. “Okay, Trish, let’s break this down. You like and respect my brother. He’s great with the kids, and he’s great in bed. But, because of Pete, you don’t want to be with Jake? Do you feel unfaithful, sweetie, because if so, Pete’s dead, and you can’t die with him.”
“No, no it’s nothing like that. I guess I’d better fill in some blanks. Pete had problems. I mean, he had big problems. Right before Pete died, I’d filed for divorce and had every intention of leaving him and moving back to El Paso.”
“Can I ask what kind of problems Pete had?” Callie continued to watch Trish closely.
Trish took a deep breath. “Mostly gambling problems. Remember I mentioned Pete had made some bad investments that caused us – me – to file for bankruptcy? They weren’t investments, they were gambling debts. Pete had a major gambling problem, and I didn’t find out about it until we were in financial ruin. In fact, the way I found out about it was when the sheriff showed up at my front door and told me that we were being evicted and had to be out of the house within a week.”
“Holy shit, Trish. That must’ve been terrible. I’m so sorry.” Callie squeezed her hand and encouraged her to go on.
“It was terrible. I thought there just had to be some kind of mistake. Pete paid the
bills, and I had no idea he took the money we made and gambled with it. We lost the house, one of the cars – the other car I’d had before we were married, and it was under my name, so that made it more difficult to borrow against it. I had to sell all the furniture and anything else that still belonged to us to cover a portion of the debts he’d racked up, but that barely touched it. I had to declare bankruptcy . When everything hit the fan, and I figured out what had happened, I told Pete I was taking the kids and moving back to El Paso and filing for divorce.”
Eva touched her arm. “I’m so sorry, Trish, you must have been so scared.”
“Yes, but I was also angry at Pete and at myself for trusting him so blindly and not seeing through him until I’d lost everything. My poor babies. Trevor still doesn’t understand why we had to move, and I don’t have a clue how to explain it to him. Nobody knows the truth except you two now. I was too ashamed to tell anyone, even my parents.”
Eva continued to look at her friend. “So, because of what your husband did, you are afraid to get involved with anyone else, is that right?”
“I don’t know if afraid is the right word … okay, I’m scared to death. I’ve just learned to trust nobody but myself. I trusted Pete, and look where that landed me. If I hadn’t had my parents to fall back on, my babies and I would’ve been living on the streets. As it is, I can’t buy anything on credit, and I’m living with my parents at the ripe old age of twenty eight. Trevor misses his dad, and I don’t know what to tell him. I’m so angry at Pete for putting us in this position.”
Trish looked at her friends again and continued. “I know you’re not supposed to think ill of the dead, but I can’t help myself. When he … died, I called the insurance company, since we had life insurance, only to find out that he’d borrowed against it along with everything else we owned, and I had nothing to fall back on. If my parents hadn’t lent me the money to come home, I would’ve been stuck in Dallas for who knows how long. I don’t ever want to be in that position again.” And that’s all of the story she planned to share at this point.
Callie looked bewildered, if supportive. “I don’t blame you for being angry. I would be, too. But, Trish, I still don’t see what that has to do with my brother. He would never do those things. He’s one of the most dependable people I know.”
Trish agreed. “I know Jake’s not like Pete, but my God, I don’t ever want to be in the position of depending on anyone ever again. I thought all my bases were covered while I was married, only to have the rug pulled out from under me to find myself destitute. It’s not that I think Jake would do that, it’s just … “
Eva rejoined the conversation. “It’s just that you don’t ever want to be put in the position of trusting someone to take care of things for you. You may be mad at Pete, Trish, but I think you’re also mad at yourself. You blame yourself for allowing it to happen, don’t you?”
“I guess I do. I’ll never make that mistake and put my kids’ well being at risk again.”
Eva continued, “It’s yourself that you don’t trust, Trish, your judgment. It doesn’t have as much to do with trusting Jake as it does with trusting yourself. I understand, because I felt that way, too. When I married my first husband, I had no idea that he was a monster . When I found out, I couldn’t get out for a long time. I didn’t trust myself to choose someone who wouldn’t hurt me, who wasn’t like the man I’d thought I could trust and who would treasure me always.”
Trish listened carefully. “So, how did you get past that, Eva?”
Eva continued. “It took a lot of time and patience with myself and patience on Josh’s part for me to get past those feelings, but eventually I did. He made it worth taking a chance on.”
“But it’s not just me I have to think about. I’ve got to think of the kids.”
“That’s true, but they are not the problem anymore than Jake is. Of course, you have to consider them, but I can’t imagine that you think Jake would hurt them. I know, I know, you didn’t think Pete would hurt his own children either, but he did. Give yourself and Jake some time. Do you care about him enough to do that?” Eva’s eyes refused to release her.
Eventually, Trish said, “I don’t know.”
Eva relentlessly continued to force her friend to think things through. “You don’t know, or you do care about him, but you don’t want to, and you’re afraid?”
“Yes. I care for him. I don’t want to, but I do. And yes, I’m afraid.”
Eva smiled at her friend. “Exactly. If you two are meant to be together, you will be. If not, you won’t. It’ll just take some time to figure out what category you fit under. Give it and yourself some time. Try to keep an open mind.”
“Who knew you could be so stubborn, Eva?” Trish smiled finally, although it wasn’t full blown. “I’ll think about everything you’ve said. I’ll try not to let my fear override everything else. I can’t promise anything else beyond that.”