Chapter Five
Helen sat at the supper table thinking about her day. It was a rough one, but for the first time in a very long time, she felt free. She was not sure of wha,t but she still felt it.
“You seem deep in thought” Ester spoke quietly.
Helen gave her a small, lopsided smile. “I had a not so great day but a nice day all at the same time.” Helen then continued “I’m not sure how to take that one in. It was hard getting to know a stranger and have cameras on me. It was also a little hard realizing how God was calling me to deal with issues I have.” Helen did not elaborate further on her last statement.
Ester got up from the table and walked around to her daughter’s chair. Putting her hands on her shoulders, she squeezed with affection as she said, “I am so proud of you for dealing with your anxiety head on.”
Helen did not agree or disagree. She just sat there, and for the first time since she was given that label, she was uncomfortable with it. She was also a bit uncomfortable with a feeling that her silence may be a lie. Helen reached up and touched her mother’s hand. It just seemed like anything else would for sure be a lie.
Ester leaned down for a hug and then returned to her chair. Helen looked at her mother and knew she was loved. She had been blessed with a great mom. This time Helen got up from her chair and went over to her mother. She leaned down and kissed her cheek. “I love you, Mamma.” Her mother reached up with her finger and tweaked her nose.
“I love you too.”
They sat at the table finishing their food in a comfortable silence. Helen thought about the day she had from the time in the bathroom to the last dance step. She had used the grape word only a couple of occasions saying it at just a whisper for only Logan to hear. He had been great with teaching her. Before he would put his hand on her, he always told her what he was going to do and why. They had practiced for four hours only breaking for a bit of food and water. She smiled as she thought about how gentle his touch was. When they first started, the contact had grated on her. After a time and the realization that the word grape worked, she was able to relax and learn. She had even done a couple of moves in front of the mirror when she had gotten home.
“Well I have an early morning, so I am going to bed” Helen stated as she got up from the table. “If you leave the dishes in the sink, I will do them before I go.”
“Well thank you, dear, but I am not quite ready for bed. I will do them now.”
Helen put her dishes in the sink and went upstairs to her room. Closing the door behind her, she started her nightly routine of getting ready for bed. As she passed her mirror, she stopped and looked at herself. It brought back a memory from that day. She was trying to get her hips and back just right for the move Logan wanted her to do. He told her he was going to put his hand on the small of her back and her stomach. He was respectful when he touched her, but the warmth of his hands had seemed too much for just a bit. She looked up, and their eyes met in the mirror. So softly and just so she could hear, he whispered. “I won’t hurt you, Helen. I promise.” She did not have to say grapes that time. Now that she thought about it, she wondered if he sensed that she was getting ready to say it and eased her mind before she could.
“Well standing here looking at yourself in the mirror isn’t helping you rest.” With that statement, Helen turned and walked across the room. She flipped off the light and went to bed. She lay there thinking about what God wanted her to do. Helen knew she had to start some place with the pain she had carried for so long. She just did not know where or how to start. Helen decided to do what she had always done and prayed. One thing that had never been taken from her was her faith in God. She did not know why she never questioned His love, but she didn’t. She asked God for guidance in dealing with what had happened to her as a child. She asked God to help her to stop running. She asked Him to lead her even when she did not want to be led. Her heart ached for the little girl that had been and for the person she had felt forced to become. She lay there for what seemed hours praying before her mind wandered to Logan. She knew very little from his mother. Elaina had said that he was not in a place God wanted him to be. Helen decided she would pray for Logan’s soul. She prayed that her light would shine just enough to help Logan see God and His love. Her last thought before she went to sleep was that she was going to be exhausted in the morning if she did not get to sleep.
Logan walked into his childhood home after practice. It had been a pretty rough day in some ways. It had been great in others. He thought about the prayer he had said. Logan knew how things worked with God. Even if he had wanted to do it for Helen, he could not have. He prayed and asked God to take over because he wanted to. He was done running and looking at Helen had uncovered a longing in him to be right with Christ. Her quiet faith had brought out a desire to have what she had. It had exposed anger, but it had revealed longing as well. When he had prayed at the studio, his heart had been ready to pray. The running from God was over. The peace that came from that decision was undeniable. The life he had been leading seemed like a waste of time now. He knew when his mother came home she would at some point bring up his spiritual life. He also knew he was ready to tell her his decision.
Logan walked over to the fireplace mantle. It had pictures of him and his father. He hung his head ashamed of the things he had done and the choices he had made. He knew it would have broken his dad’s heart if he had been alive. He knew it hurt his mother to know the choices he had made.
Turning around, he took in the living room, the kitchen, and the staircase. Looking at them now, he was trying to figure out what was so bad about them that he felt he had needed to run from home five years ago. He breathed deeply taking in the lemon scent of the furniture polish. Walking over to the lounge chair, he sat down and leaned back. With his eyes closed, he thought of the day. He smiled as he remembered the safe word he had given Helen. Logan knew that was all God’s doing. He could not fathom where the idea had come from other than God. Logan had never in his career thought anything about a safe word. All of the people he worked with were professional just like him. There was never a need for something like that. He smiled as he remembered Helen’s confused and curious look when he first brought it up. He had not taken the time to talk to God and thank Him for His help earlier that day. He decided to correct that.
“Thank you, God, for not giving up on me. Thank You for helping me with Helen today.” Logan prayed out loud from his heart. “I am sorry for the choices that I have been making. I know this new walk with You will not be easy, and temptations will find me. I want You to know I am Yours. I want to thank You for taking me back. I did not realize it until today, but I do love You Father. I pray and thank You for all things in Jesus’s name.”
After finishing his prayer, Logan remembered how he had taught Helen to dance. It started out a bit nerve-wracking, but as Helen realized the safe word worked, she became more comfortable with him. He never once touched her without telling her. He explained everything. Surprisingly, she was a pretty good dancer. She caught on quick, and he found that he loved the way she cocked her head to the side when she was watching him. He knew the harder part was coming, but for at least a week, he could do most of the teaching with very little contact. She seemed to be getting used to the cameras being on her too. He knew Helen was not totally relaxed, but she was doing her best to get there.
His breath caught just a bit in his chest as he remembered the one time they made eye contact in the mirror. He knew she had been getting ready to use the safe word and had not wanted her to use it. He wanted her to know she was safe so he whispered to her that he would not hurt her. He had meant it too. He was not sure if it was anxiety or something else that made her so vulnerable. Logan’s gut really thought it was something more sinister than anxiety. Regardless of where the pain came from, Logan was sure he wanted to help her through it.
Logan heard his mother come in the back door. When she called out his name he answered her. “I’m in here” Logan spoke as he was getting up from the chair to go to her. He walked into the kitchen and stopped short. What, the heck, was his mother wearing? She looked like a big bright pink alien had thrown up on her.
Clearing his throat, Logan ventured a conversation with his mother. “Umm, Mom, what have you been doing today?” he was trying desperately not to laugh.
Elaina knew her son was doing his best to control his laughter. She knew why too. Everyone that knew her knew one thing about her. They knew she loved bright colors. Unfortunately, her friend Birdie did not realize florescent pink may be a bit much even for her and last year bought matching outfits. Being the diplomat that she was, Elaina had worn it every time they had gone to the gym. Looking her son square in the eye, Elaina finally answered him “I was at the gym dear.”
Logan started rubbing the back of his neck. Good grief, she looked comical. What was she thinking going out in that thing? “Where did you get that sweat suit from?” he barely choked out.
Elaina left him off the hook. She busted out laughing as she answered “This is that outfit that Birdie got me. I told you about it last year. She has a matching one, so I wear it to be a good sport. I promise your old mom has not gone off her rocker that bad yet.”
The two laughed for a couple of minutes after that. Every time one of them seemed to calm down they would look at the other, and it would start all over again. Elaina was first to gain control. “Are you in the mood for some of your mother’s home cooking?” she asked.
Logan did not answer right away, so Elaina turned and looked at him. He seemed more serious than he had been a few minutes ago. She leaned against the counter and waited for him to let her know what was wrong.
“I want you to know that I am walking the path Christ wants me to walk.” Logan started. “I know you have been worried, and I know I was not great about hearing what you had to say, but I had to put my finger on a couple of things today. The clear thing to me was the reason I was so angry when Christ was brought up was because I knew I needed Him.”
Elaina tried not to cry, but she just could not help it. She had heard Logan before she felt his arms go around her. “I am sorry Mom.” He hugged her close. “I am sorry for the things I put you through these last couple of years.”
Elaina thought about how strong her son’s arms were. How much they were like his father’s arms. She pulled back to look up into her son’s eyes. “I have prayed for years, Logan. I can’t tell you how happy I am to know this.” She noticed something else in his eyes then and questioned him. “What else is there?”
Logan released his mother and walked over to the counter. He ran his fingers through his hair and thought about how to approach the next subject. “It’s Helen, Mom. I am just not sure her issue is anxiety.” There he had said something, not what he thought totally but something.
“What do you mean? Her mother said she had been diagnosed with it.” Elaina said. She was now looking at her son intently.
Logan finally voiced what he had been thinking the entire day. “Mom I think Helen was assaulted. When I use that term, I mean sexually assaulted. I am not sure to what extent, but she is afraid not anxious.” He looked up and made direct eye contact with his mom. “I promise I won’t hurt her, but I think she and I are doing this for a reason. I think that reason may be that God wants her to deal with whatever it is that happened. I also believe that God used her as a way for me to see just how much I needed Him. It feels like this time is a divine appointment for both of us.” There he had said everything. He looked to see if his mom thought he had lost his marbles.
Elaina looked at her son. There were tears in her eyes. “Please tell me you could be wrong?” her heart was breaking. In all of the time she had known Helen, that thought never crossed her mind.
The emotion Logan felt upon saying what he was thinking was overwhelming. He could hear it in his voice as he answered “I could be. I just don’t think I am. She is in very real pain. I overheard her praying today” he paused to get control of his emotions now. “Mom she was crying out to her Daddy in heaven. She was talking to God in such a way and with so much pain it seemed so much more than being anxious.”
Elaina covered her mouth with the horror of what he suspected. Tears streamed down her face at the thought of anyone hurting Helen in such a way.
Logan walked over to the kitchen window and looked out. “Will you pray with me? Will you pray for Helen and me?” he asked.
Elaina did not even answer. She walked over to her son and took his hand in hers. Bowing her head, she prayed through the tears. “Father God I come to You today on behalf of Helen and Logan. Please be with them as they make this journey. Please give Logan wisdom and understanding as he spends time with her. Please open her heart to Logan and what it is that You want him to teach her. I ask this all in the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.”
Logan thanked his mother for her prayer. He was suddenly very tired. “I think I am just going to make myself a sandwich and go to bed. Is that ok with you?”
“I will cook tomorrow. You have had and exhausting day.” She pulled his cheek to her lips and kissed him gently. “Go to bed now my handsome boy.”
Logan made his sandwich and ate it before he left the kitchen. Once in bed, he closed his eyes and prayed. “Father I find myself unsure today of what to do. I’m not sure what is going to happen with Helen, but I want You to know that whatever it is You want me to do I will do it. Please give me Your insight as I teach her to dance. I ask that You also keep my thoughts pure. I am drawn to her. If that is not in Your will, I ask that You take that from me. I trust You Father. I pray this all in the name of Your Son, Jesus. Amen.” He felt a sense of peace fall upon him as he closed his eyes in slumber.