I pressed my lips together, shaking and afraid I’d start crying again. Stupid, stupid messed up emotions. This wasn’t like me at all. I should be back there, shouting at all of them. “I...should leave,” I said. “I should leave the boat.”
“A little too late,” Blake said. “We’ve already set sail.”
I sniffed. There was no sensation of the boat moving. “I shouldn’t stay in here...maybe I need to be in another room. They’re all going to hate me now.”
“Why?” he asked. He held on tighter to me, a comfort I didn’t deserve. I thought to pull away from him, but couldn’t move any further on the bed without falling off, so I settled for staying as still as possible. I didn’t answer him either. He kissed my head again. “Why would they?”
I clenched my teeth hard. I couldn’t say it out loud. I’d flirted with them all, opened myself to them, wanting their attention and not telling the others about my feelings. In the end, I single-handedly ruined their group. And now they had to spend five days on board a ship with each other and me. I had no escape. They had no escape. Either I’d be banished from their group, or the group would fight until they broke. There was no way we could be the same after this.
I couldn’t admit any of this to Blake.
Blake lifted his arm from my stomach to brush some of my hair away from my face. “Are you going to sleep?”
I grunted. I wasn’t sure I would sleep. I had this underlying feeling that I should be up, scouting the ship for Mr. Smith. Hunting down whoever had knocked out Blake. Finding a place to hide before the others got here. If I was busy with the mission, maybe I could avoid them, ignore everything. Maybe I’d work with Fancy the rest of the trip as a beach bunny, staying out of their hair.
Blake sighed against me. “If you really want to stay somewhere else, I’ve got a cot. Or I’m sure Avery can work out another room.”
I wasn’t sure what was better, to stay here and wait or assume I was already ostracized and leave. When I thought to roll over and talk to him, I found my muscles really didn’t want to actually move. My entire body felt like lead. The medicine was pretty strong. “I don’t know if hiding will help.”
Blake dipped his head against my shoulder, pressing his lips to my skin. “Depends on who you’re hiding from. I didn’t catch why they’re so mad. Are they mad at you?”
Did he really not know? “Maybe.”
“Because of me?”
I forced myself to find some energy so I could turn, and when I started to, he pulled away enough that I could flip over. He had on a new gray shirt, similar to his other one. His light hair was a mess on one side. The makeup on his neck was smudged, some purple of the bruise showing through. He propped his head up in his hand and looked at me.
I felt gross with puffy eyes and my cheeks all hot. “It’s not about you,” I said. “Not at the moment.”
“Avery said something about you being hurt. I think we all got there at the same time. Why did they all jump on Axel? Did he do something?”
I shook my head and closed my eyes. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“Seems to me like you need to talk to someone,” he said, his voice was oddly calm, soft and yet that deep male tenor. He combed my hair from my face with his fingers and then traced a fingertip over my brow and to my temple. “I might just be on the outside looking in, but usually problems show up on teams when people aren’t talking when they should be.”
“I thought you always worked solo.”
“Never work solo, sweetheart,” he said. “The people we’re investigating, they aren’t alone. You shouldn’t be. Even Sherlock had a Watson.”
“What about when you were slipping drugs out of the country on your yacht?”
“I had Doyle,” he said. “And the man I was helping got his son out of the mess, plus employees. They’ve gotten pretty used to me doing what I do.” He smiled, the gold flecks in his eyes shining. “And then you came along.” He continued touching me, tucking some of my hair behind my ear, brushing back the long strands away from my face. “But funny how I’m talking about me, and we’re getting away from the subject. Tell me what’s going on.”
I sniffed, noting how I smelled still of sulfur water from the hot tub. I had no one else to tell, and he wasn’t going to like this. He might be right though. The problem was I was keeping these secrets to myself. No one really knew the depths of how I felt, and how confused I was.
I dipped my head, lowering my eyes to the buttons on his shirt, the slight opening revealing a trace of his collarbone from the way he was horizontal on the bed. It was easier to talk to his shirt than his eyes. “Axel had me in a room alone and asked me to commit to a relationship with him. Some of the guys overheard and I suspect more than one was jealous. I don’t know what they think they heard, only that I rejected him, and that he possibly made me cry at some point. I don’t know how they figured that out. I wasn’t crying.”
I didn’t think I was, although I imagined with maybe some of the kissing and deep breaths going on, maybe they mistook that as crying instead of kissing.
Blake was quiet so I kept going. “Now it sounds like they’re all angry at Axel, but if they were to talk more, they’d find out they’ve all been flirting with me…and I’ve been avoiding committing any of them. So they might not be happy with each other. Or me.”
“Uh huh,” he said quietly. His hand smoothed down to my chin, encouraging me to lift my head to look at him, but I refused, tugging myself away. I was ashamed, I couldn’t look him in the face. “Little miss Kayli, you’ve got a real big pickle there.”
“I think they tried to ostracize Axel, and that whole situation just...exploded. Then I really was hurt and down and couldn’t pull myself together to get them to back off of each other.” I sighed, figuring I might as well spill all of it. The only solution I could see to possibly saving their friendship was if I left now. “I’ve been with the guys for a few weeks now, and they’ve all expressed interest in a relationship...and I might have encouraged the idea with each of them, without committing.”
“Which ones?” he asked.
I shrugged, burying my head into the pillow. Did it matter? I’d been flirting with a group of friends, and eventually, if not already, they’d know what I’d done and they’d kick me out.
I didn’t want them to break up their friendship and team because of me. How could I fix it? If I made myself the harlot who only teased them and got what she wanted and left, they wouldn’t be to blame. Then they could make me the bad guy. It’d save them from tearing each other apart.
I’d be alone, but did I deserve any better? I hadn’t meant for it to be like this, but if I had to be their villain to save them, it was the only solution I could come up with.
“I’m going to guess all of them,” he said. “Even that Kevin? He’s got a girl, doesn’t he?”
I snorted. “No, not him. And not really Corey, I guess. He’s my friend but not interested in...girls.”
“Really? Corey? You know, you’ve said this to me before, but I don’t see him as being gay.”
“He is. His brother said so. Either he’s gay or he just isn’t interested. But who would know better than his twin brother?”
“Huh,” Blake said. He leaned into me and then wrapped his arms around me, holding me to his chest. “So little Miss Kayli got a little too close.”
“I’m surprised you’re not out there with them discussing how to burn the witch for fraternizing with too many of them.”
“I don’t think they’ll care what I have to say,” he said. “And I didn’t come along on this trip for them.” He traced his fingertips against my cheek and then my jaw. “I hate to ask this but hear me out. Did you consider the fact that you haven’t chosen one of them because you’re not really interested? Was the choice not that clear for you?”
I swallowed thickly, and turned my head into the pillow. The problem certainly wasn’t that any of them weren’t good enough. They were just to
o good for me, too unbelievably cool and talented. I was the one who had come into their circle, trying to keep up, trying to be that cool. I kept falling behind. I liked them too much. “They’re not bad people,” I said. “I am.”
“You’re not a bad person, Kayli,” he said. “A bad person wouldn’t fight with me so much about doing the right thing.” He cuddled into me, moving his chin against the side of my face, the coarse hair of his stubble scratching me, in a nice way. “And a bad girl wouldn’t feel this distraught about having so many people angry at her.”
“I kept trying to give things time, because...I was sure they’d all eventually not be interested and it wouldn’t matter,” I said.
“So you kept your expectations low for any sort of relationship and just let things happen?”
I didn’t respond. It was the truth. I wanted to defend my decision, but had no excuse for my behavior.
“Come on,” he said, nudging me. “Don’t hold back now.”
“I like them all,” I said. “So I was waiting for them to decide.” It felt rude to talk about this and knowing he’d been interested. Was I going to lose him, too, now? Would he feel weird if I did include him in with my poor decision making?
“Didn’t you just say you let Axel down?”
“I was trying to avoid relationship talks. I thought…later I thought they’d get mad at me or each other and hurt the team.”
“So you’ve never really given any of them a chance at all.”
“I’ve been around them for weeks.”
“But they think they’re making relationships with you when you weren’t. You were waiting for them to get to this point, for them to realize they all like you and to what... fight it out until there was a winner and let him claim you? Just because you can’t make a decision?” He shook his head, backing up. “No. I don’t buy it, Kayli.”
I turned over in the bed, pulling away from him. I buried my face into the blankets. “You don’t know anything about me.”
“And you don’t get to push me away,” he said. “I’ve seen what you do, Kayli. You wait for me to make a move, because you’re too afraid to do anything yourself. I never thought I’d see you afraid of anything.”
“I’m not afraid,” I said, although it was hard to be sure he heard me with my head stuffed into the pillow and the blanket over my face.
He leaned into my arm and put part of the weight of his upper body against mine, squeezing me into the bed. “You’re afraid of making a bad choice, of making a commitment to someone who will disappoint you, so you don’t choose. Maybe that was what was wrong with your other relationships, sweetheart. You didn’t really choose them, you let them choose you and just let things happen. Did they ever see the real you? What you’re like when you’re really into someone and want to date that person?”
I didn’t move and didn’t answer. I didn’t want to think about old boyfriends.
“What I see,” he said quietly, “is a girl who is alone in the world, trying to survive, getting thrown into situations and relying on other people, something she isn’t used to. And then when those people get a glimpse at the real woman underneath all that fight and bluster, they’re attracted, and Kayli’s too afraid to admit that she’s worth attention and love.”
“Since when did you become a psychologist?”
“You mock, but I’ve studied psychology,” he said. “It helps when dealing with bad guys. Kind of helps when dealing with love, too.”
I shoved the blanket away from my face, needing to breathe again, and rolled over, pushing him off of me. “I screwed up,” I said. “Damage done. Too late to talk about the past right now.”
“You’re right,” he said. “I just wanted the clear picture.” He crawled over me until he was sitting on my hips, his hands on either side of my shoulders to hold himself up. He looked down at me, the gold flecks now brilliant with the light from the room. I glared back at him. “You’re not the only one who’s been through hell, Kayli. You’re never going to make any of this right waiting in the wings for one of them to bully you into a relationship, and then never really committing to that person when the time comes.”
“Again, too late,” I said. “I’ve screwed it up with them. And they might just break up the team because of this.”
“You give yourself too much credit.” He sighed and then dipped his head lower until I was nose to nose with him. “And you’ve forgotten one piece of this puzzle.”
“What?”
“Me,” he said. His eyes dipped down until he looked at my lips and then he refocused on my eyes. “I was chasing you, too.”
I hadn’t forgotten at all. I just assumed he’d hate me now. “And now you’re going to walk out?” I asked. “Now that you know what I’ve done?”
“What a sore attitude,” he said. “Kayli, your fire is what I’m attracted to. Do I need to lie to you again to get that back? You’ve been...mopey. What’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t know,” I said in a long, exasperated moan. I tried to push him off of me again, but he wouldn’t budge and I didn’t have the strength to keep trying. He sat on my hips and backed himself up so he was sitting up and out of reach. I pulled a pillow over my face and moaned into it. “Maybe I am still sick. I keep getting those cramps. And the nausea this morning. Maybe the new stress brought it all back.” I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I’d been a sleepy wreck for so long, and once I was back in the real world, I hadn’t felt like me at all. Marc had called me depressed. The other boys seemed really worried to.
I hadn’t noticed, but then, maybe I should be concerned. Was something wrong with me?
“Let’s take away some of that stress then,” he said. “Did I ask you for a commitment?”
“No.”
“Did you ask me?”
“No.”
“So between you and me, we’re not in a committed relationship yet. Now, I’m not really interested in anyone else at the moment. You take up too much of my time and I’m pretty obsessive once I’ve got my mind set on a person.”
I grunted under the pillow.
He tugged the pillow from me, putting it aside and gazing down at my face. “Hey,” he said. “I know you’re not feeling well, but I want to make sure you’re listening.”
I pouted. I was listening, I just wasn’t sure I wanted to hear any more. I didn’t deserve anyone being nice to me right now.
“I don’t have hard feelings about you flirting with the other guys. And it isn’t right for me to anyway, because we haven’t agreed on an exclusive relationship, and I’m not exactly around you enough to get to that point. What I’m looking for with you, it takes time. That’s part of making a foundation, of building a relationship in the first place.”
“So you don’t hate me?”
“Sweetheart, I hate seeing you sick. I hate that you’re so miserable. I’d kill all those bastards for making you feel like this. I’m seriously wondering if they are real friends if they won’t even admit to each other what’s going on between them.”
I rolled my eyes. “I wasn’t exactly up front, either.”
“Weren’t you?” he asked. “Did you agree to an exclusive relationship? Did you say, ‘Hey, Axel Toma, you and I like each other and I’d like to date you and only you and I’d like for you to date only me. Can we make this agreement?’ Then after, did you inform the others of your exclusive relationship and then continue to flirt? No. You didn’t.”
“That’s not how it works,” I said.
“It’s exactly how it works.” He bent over me, hovering again over my face. “Kayli, if you didn’t ask for a commitment, and they get mad at each other and you over assuming exclusivity even though you’ve never agreed to it, then that’s their issue, not yours. They may be great people, they may be smart and have taken care of you, but they’re human.”
“I know that.”
“So why are you acting like this is all your fault? As far as I can tell, there’s at least two in a rela
tionship. In this case, there’s...what four of them? They are just as guilty.”
“They did want to talk about relationships,” I said. “Axel tried to talk me into it. I might have let him assume he and I were heading that direction. I just avoided saying yes directly; I haven’t really pursued any of them. They all came to me.”
“But you’ve never agreed to be exclusive with any of them,” he said. “Or have you?”
“I don’t think I did.”
“Then you never did,” he said. “If you did, you’d know. And you’d be able to tell me you were dating Axel or Frank or Bob or whoever. Avoiding the topic isn’t making a commitment.”
I blew a long breath out from between my lips. Maybe that was true, but I wasn’t sure Axel would see it that way. I wasn’t sure Marc or Raven or even Brandon would, either. Mostly because I hadn’t said a flat out no to a relationship, and in some cases, I let them make assumptions.
But I was having trouble sorting it out. The muscle relaxer was doing a number on my brain, making it foggy, sleepy. “This is just such a bad time to get in the middle of this.”
“There’s never a good time,” he said. He climbed off me and turned until he was sitting up against the bed, his knees up. He put his arms on his knees, propping them up. “So they’re just going to have to get over themselves, aren’t they? You have the right to say, ‘Guys, I’m not interested in a commitment right now, but I appreciate your company.’ They can be okay with that or they can be not okay and walk away, but they don’t have the right to make assumptions and then act like it’s your fault when they’re wrong.”
Feeling weird with him sitting like that, I pulled myself up until I was sitting up next to him. Because of the bed, I rolled into him a little. Could he be right? “I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
“I don’t want to sound sexist,” he said, tilting his head toward me, “but lots of women have the habit of taking on all the responsibility if a relationship doesn’t go well. You, Kayli Winchester, are a smart girl. You keep your heart closed off a bit, but I think deep down, you want a relationship, with who, I don’t know. I’m going come out and say I just hope it’ll be with me in the end.”