Riley smiled. "Zoey is amazing."
"She is. I'll always be grateful to Amanda for giving me Zoey. She's the best part of my life. And Amanda was a wonderful mother. She seemed to settle after we had Zoey. It was almost as if she'd found what she was searching for."
"And then she got sick."
He nodded. "It devastated her, knowing she was going to leave Zoey behind. She felt as if that was somehow a punishment for all the lying and hurt she'd caused."
Riley's throat constricted. "Oh, God. That's not fair."
"She didn't think it was, either. Neither did I. But we weren't in charge. And Zoey lost her mother."
Riley felt sick inside. "I'm so sorry, Ethan. For you, for Amanda and for Zoey."
"I'm the one who's sorry. There are so many things I could have done differently that night. When Amanda called, I should have called you to see what was up. I could have tried to find you to make you come over there with me. I didn't do that. I just assumed what Amanda said, that you weren't home. And when you ran off that morning after finding us together, I went after you. God, I spent days trying to find you."
Riley's heart stuttered. "You did?"
"Of course I did. I searched everywhere. I didn't know where you went. I was crazy worried about you. But then I thought...you know what? Maybe you're better off without me. Maybe this is for the best. I was such a fucking coward letting you go. I should have tried harder to find you."
"Oh, Ethan, I didn't know you came looking for me."
He shrugged. "It wasn't enough. I should have tried harder. But look at you now, look at what you've done with your life. If I had found you, you might never have all you have now. I can't regret that for you, you know? Sometimes destiny plays a big part in things. Maybe I was supposed to screw this all up so you could become famous."
She tilted her head. "Is that some kind of twisted logic?"
"Maybe. It's not an excuse though. All of this is my fault. And I'll never be able to say I'm sorry enough times to make it stop hurting you. I know that. But I'm still sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you, and for what happened with Amanda."
She saw him in a new light. "That's a load of heavy burdens you're carrying."
His lips curled. "I have wide shoulders."
Her eyes filled with tears. "We both lost so much. Time, friends, people we loved."
"But you can't change the past. It is what it is and I have to live with it."
She shuddered, realizing that no matter how much she wanted to go back, Ethan was right.
She threw her arms around him and hugged him, needing to give him comfort, and forgiveness. And maybe she needed to give herself a little comfort too for all she'd lost.
Ethan wrapped his arms around Riley while she cried, held her while she grieved for the friend she'd had and lost. He'd long ago cried all he could for losing Amanda. He might not have loved her like a husband should love his wife, but he'd been a good husband to her, a good friend, and he'd never felt guilty for still being in love with Riley after all these years, because while he'd been married to Amanda, she'd been the only woman in his life.
Their lives might not have been perfect, but he'd given her all of himself for the time they had together.
And the two of them had given Zoey the best life they could.
After Riley cried it out, he reached into the glove compartment and handed her a box of tissues. She wiped her eyes, blew her nose and tossed the coat aside. "Now I'm hot."
He laughed. "Feeling better now?"
She nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm not usually this dramatic. You probably think I'm some Nashville diva who throws fits and storms out of houses and, oh, God." She lifted tear-filled eyes to his. "What your family must think of me."
"Actually, they thought I was an asshole."
"They did? Why?"
"Because I was the one who came at you and said all the wrong things. My mother gave me the look."
"Yikes. Not the look."
"Yeah. I realized I'd stuck my foot in my mouth right away, but you'd already run out. By the time I ran after you, you were gone. Damn, woman, you're fast."
She laughed. "I run for exercise."
"I went inside to grab my coat and that's when I saw yours, so I got my keys and came looking for you. So no, my family isn't mad at you, they're mad as hell at me. Trust me, I'm in no hurry to go back there."
She settled back against the seat only to find his arm draped back there. She was plenty warm now and he could have shifted back over to his side of the car, but he hadn't yet.
Not that she was complaining. She felt like they'd finally gotten past the huge chasm that had stood between them for all these years, at least the one she'd put there.
She tilted her head back and looked into his eyes. God, she could get lost there. She'd spent all of the past ten years on her work, hadn't had time for serious romance. She hadn't taken time to look for a man in her life, because first she'd been heartbroken over Ethan, and then she'd put all her energies into building her career. There just never seemed to be light left at the end of the day for love. Writing about it, singing about it, yes. Finding it, no. And maybe she'd been afraid to fall in love, because love could hurt.
With the paparazzi dogging her every move, her life was under a microscope. She couldn't imagine trying to have her love life scrutinized the same way her career had been. Men in her life had been brief, never anything long term.
But here in Deer Lake, time had seemed to slow down the past few days. No one followed her probably because they knew she was kind of boring. And really, what would they see? It wasn't like she was in Los Angeles or even Nashville where the possibility of her hooking up with another country music star or even a movie or television star meant a photo op that could generate some buzz. Here there was nothing happening.
At least to the film and print media. But for Riley as she leaned against Ethan's arm and stared into his eyes, there was plenty happening. A shift in her entire perspective had occurred within a matter of days and hours.
Now what was she supposed to think? Everything she'd believed to be true had been a lie. Old grudges had slipped away, her protective armor torn off, leaving her naked and raw and not sure what to do about feelings she'd kept buried for all these years. They'd suddenly roared to life again, but it was ten years later. Surely she couldn't still feel the same.
Ethan didn't feel the same. He'd lived a whole different life while she was gone. He had a child now, different responsibilities. They'd both grown up and grown apart.
But as he swept his hand across her cheek and cupped her neck, his touch sent skittering sensation throughout her body. Her skin flushed with heat.
It might not be love, but the spark was still there, and she needed to explore it. She raised her hand and brushed her fingers across the beard stubble on his jaw, shuddering at the raw desire that filled every part of her from the simple touch of her fingers to his face.
Ethan brushed his lips to hers, a tentative kiss meant to test and explore. The shock of meeting his lips curled her toes. It was an explosion from within and there was nothing tentative about her reaction. She grabbed his jacket and pulled him to her, letting him know that soft and gentle wasn't at all what she needed. Not when she had ten years of pent-up passion to release. She tangled her fingers in his hair and pressed her lips to his, deepening the kiss, taking control and letting him know she wanted more.
Suddenly she was on her back on the seat, Ethan looming over her, all his guy parts lined up against all her girl parts and it felt so damn good to be this close to a man again.
Not just any man. Ethan. The first boy she'd loved. Only he wasn't a boy now, evidenced by the thickness of his muscles, the wide chest and the oh-so-hard evidence of what kissing him and touching him was doing to him.
She could write a song about how good this felt, but she doubted it would ever see airtime. Instead, she concentrated on how he held her, his hand slipping underneath her to cup her butt and l
ift her against that omigod part of him that reminded her they weren't kids anymore making out in the front--or back--seat of his car. This was adult stuff and she was ready to act like an adult with him. She'd been robbed of that back then because she hadn't been ready yet, but she was sure as hell ready to consummate now.
Right now, in fact, parked along the curb in front of who-knew-whose house. Frankly, she didn't care, because Ethan had one hand tangled in her hair and the other was rubbing her backside while his mouth was doing delicious things to hers and she was afraid she might just have an orgasm right there before any clothes got undone.
And then he vibrated.
Whoa. He was really talented, and if she shifted just a little to the left, those vibrations...
"Dammit," he said, lifting his head. "My phone's ringing."
He shifted, climbing off her and for the first time in a while she felt cold.
"Seriously? Can't you ignore it?"
He gave her a regretful smile. "It could be about Zoey. Sorry. Give me just a second. He checked the display. "Shit."
He pressed a button and put the phone to his ear. "Hi, Mom."
Wow. It was ten years ago.
Ethan rolled his eyes. "No, I found her. She's fine. We're just sitting here...talking." While he listened, he gave her a look that sent her up in flames again. "Yeah, I'm going to bring her back shortly. Okay."
He pressed the button and tossed the phone on the dash, then dragged his fingers through his hair. "Sorry. Kind of lost myself there for a minute."
Riley shuddered out a sigh, realizing whatever had been about to happen, or might have happened, wasn't going to. Not here, not tonight. "It's okay. I did, too."
"I'll drive you back to my parents."
The only good thing was, Ethan looked as frustrated and regretful as she did.
He hit the defrosters and the windshield wipers and by the time everything cleared, Riley realized how much snow had fallen already.
They took a slow drive back to the house, giving Riley a chance to fix her hair and put on some lip gloss so she didn't look quite so...ravaged by the time Ethan pulled into the driveway. They made a mad dash to the house where Ethan's mom was waiting with the door open.
"It's horrible outside. I was so worried about you." She enveloped Riley in a hug. "I already sent Brody and Wyatt home, which is where you both need to go before this gets any worse."
"Yes, Mom," Ethan said, with a roll of his eyes, then a laugh and a kiss.
"I'm sorry we didn't get to spend more time together. I blame my son for that." She glared at Ethan.
"Already discussed and apologized, Mom. Topic's closed."
"Okay, okay. You two get on the road."
"I've driven in snow before. I have a four wheel drive, Mom."
"And I'm still your mother and I'm going to worry. You should drive Riley back to her place."
"I have an SUV, too, Mrs. Kent," and at her look, corrected it to, "Stacy. I'm sure I'll be fine, but thank you."
"I'll follow her," Ethan said. "To make sure she makes it there safe."
"That'll make me feel better." She hugged Riley and Ethan and they were out the door.
Snow pelted her on the face as the wind picked up. "Wow. It's really coming down."
"Really, do you need me to drive you back to the B and B?"
"No, it's not that far. I can make it."
"Okay."
He seemed as reluctant to let her go as she was to be let go of. But since Ethan's mother was peeking through the blinds, she opened her car door. "I'll see you later."
"Yeah. Later."
She started the car up. She hadn't thought about gloves because she was a moron, so gripping the icy cold steering wheel was torture, but she managed to back out of the driveway and made the trek back to the bed and breakfast. She had to admit it gave her some comfort to see Ethan's SUV behind her the whole way. When she pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car, he waited in the street until she opened the front door and went inside. Only then did he drive off.
Leaving her aching and frustrated. And alone.
She sighed and turned off the lights.
Chapter Seven
There was a holiday celebration at town square tonight, with Christmas carolers, ice skating on the makeshift rink, a parade and, of course, Santa. It was one of Zoey's favorite parts of the holiday, though Ethan wasn't sure if it was because of all the events that took place at town square or because she knew that meant Christmas was only a couple days away. Either way, he loved watching the joy in her eyes. He fed off her excitement and this was the event that always got him in the mood for Christmas.
Because it had snowed, the whole town had a holiday look to it, which made everything perfect. Wreaths hung on every street light, banners and lights decorated every store front, and with the seven inches of snow they'd gotten the entire town looked like something out of a Christmas movie.
Zoey had spent the past couple days building snowmen in the yard, complete with black button eyes, tattered scarves, carrot noses and red gumdrops for the mouths. It had stayed cold enough that Mr. and Mrs. Snowpeople were still standing, which thrilled Zoey even more and thankfully had given her something to do so she hadn't bugged him nonstop about when Christmas was.
The only drawback to this extravaganza was that Riley would be singing.
Not that there was anything wrong with her singing. It was just that he'd been kind of avoiding her since two nights ago in the car when he'd totally lost his mind and climbed all over her. Fortunately she'd been busy wrapping up all her biography stuff since then and he hadn't run into her.
Today was supposed to be her last event, a filmed thing where she would sing a medley of Christmas songs from her last holiday CD. Everyone from town would be there, Riley would sing after the parade, and then she and her entire crew would pack up and go, along with all the media.
So really, what had been the point of refiring the past between them, except to remind him that the two of them were worlds apart and he still couldn't have her?
He didn't deserve to have her.
Besides, there was Zoey to think about. Her life was here in Deer Lake where his family was. Where Zoey's family was. Riley's life was somewhere else, probably always on the road on that big tour bus of hers.
And even though he'd driven home the long way to get his riotous libido under control that night, and he'd been thinking about Riley nonstop ever since, especially about that hot interlude in the car and how it had felt to remap her body with his hands, it was pointless.
She was going her way soon, and he was staying here.
With his daughter.
So despite wanting to call her the next day, or go over to the bed and breakfast to see her, he hadn't. Because his life was reality, not fantasy.
And since Riley had left, the icy cold hand of reality had firmly clenched him in its grip.
"Daddy, I want to go ice skating."
He looked down at his adorable daughter who looked like a puffy pink marshmallow in her pink coat, pink hat and pink mittens. He'd done her hair in pigtail braids this morning and she'd insisted on puffy pink bands to hold them. She even wore pink boots.
The girl liked her some pink.
"We'll go ice skating later. The parade's about to start. You don't want to miss it, do you?"
Her eyes got big and wide. "Oh. No. Let's go, Daddy."
She tugged on his hand and dragged him toward the center island of town where the parade ended. They were lucky and found a bench to sit on, a perfect viewing area for the parade. They were joined shortly by his mom and dad and brothers.
"It's cold as a well digger's--"
"Brody," his mother warned, casting her glance to Zoey.
"Shovel," Brody finished with a tweak of Zoey's nose.
Zoey giggled.
Wyatt shoved his hands in his pockets, turned up the collar of his coat and looked about as happy to be there as he would be if he was having a root
canal.
But missing the annual town Christmas event would somehow be a direct insult to their mother, and even Wyatt wouldn't do that, no matter how much he hated the world these days.
When you lived in a small town, parades weren't exactly like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade in New York City. They didn't go on for hours. You had the cops because they could run their sirens and all the kids liked that. And the fire department, too. Then there were the middle school and high school bands, a few local clubs like Rotary and Knights of Columbus, some private organizations and businesses who put some holiday floats together, and that was pretty much it.
And then came Santa on his big float at the end, waving from on top of his makeshift chimney. Dave Bowman was doing a fine job as Santa this year, and Ethan suspected Dave's rosy cheeks were due to the shot or two of whiskey Ethan had seen him downing at McGuffey's Tavern prior to the start of the parade.
The Santa float was always the biggest hit with the kids, since Santa's "elves" tossed candy. There was Tori dressed as an elf in her green stockings and short skirt, her flaming red hair a perfect compliment to the whole elf gig.
"Damn," Brody whispered. "Her skirt is short enough that every time she bends over, you can see--"
Brody whistled instead. Tori shot him an evil glare and threw candy at his head.
"Maybe you shouldn't look." Ethan suggested.
"And maybe I should." Brody unwrapped the candy, popped it in his mouth and walked away.
The parade over, the crowds milled around for a while. Zoey amused herself by playing a few games, ice skating and, of course, eating. Chairs were being set up at the town center gazebo area for Riley's concert. The television crews were in hot turnout today, no doubt because it was the weekend and that meant people from surrounding areas would come, increasing attendance.
Great. Good for the town, Ethan supposed, but it just meant more crowds.
"Riley Jensen is going to sing today, Daddy."
He smiled indulgently at his daughter. "I know."
"There's no backstage today, because she's gonna sing on a stage that has no back." Zoey giggled.
"So I noticed. We'll just hang out here and listen, okay?"