Chapter 7
Christian worried as he sat at the breakfast table alone, sipping on the coffee he’d brewed himself. It was five thirty and Hannah was still in bed. It seemed she’d been sick to her stomach every day for nearly a week now. What could be wrong with her? Christian had suggested seeing the Englisch doctor, but Hannah would have none of it. Well, today he was determined that she would see somebody about her illness.
Christian rose from the table and placed his coffee mug into the sink with the other dishes that now piled up, knowing Hannah would tend to them later. He walked back to their bedroom to check on Hannah one more time before going out to the barn. His eyes swept over the contoured body under the quilt his mother had made and given them as a wedding gift. Christian’s gaze rested on her face. My sweet Hannah.
Christian couldn’t have hoped for a better wife. Every day he gave thanks that she was in his life. Christian worked extra hard just so he could allow her to buy nice things. He wanted her to have anything she desired. Sometimes he wished he could go to a jewelry store and purchase something extra fancy for her, but that was not their way. He hoped she knew how much he loved her.
Hannah stirred under the blankets, but her eyes remained closed. A moan escaped her lips and Christian rushed to her side. He gently stroked her hair and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “Sleep now, Mei Lieb,” he whispered.
As Christian passed by the kitchen to put his boots on, he noticed the dishes again. I’m going to wash those dishes when I come back in, he thought. He knew Hannah wouldn’t be happy about it, but she didn’t need to be tending to him when she was the one that needed tending to.
After Christian finished up his chores and the dishes in the sink, he checked on Hannah again. He scribbled a note and left it on the kitchen table, should she wake up and find him gone. He was determined to bring Danika Yoder back with him so she could assess Hannah’s condition. If his fraa refused to go to an Englisch doctor, he would have to bring their natural doctor to her.
Now, it was nearly five o’clock in the afternoon and Christian nervously waited for Danika to emerge from their bedroom for news of what Hannah’s illness might be. Danika came into the room with an unreadable expression and Christian didn’t know whether that was good or bad.
“You may go in and see Hannah now.” Danika gave a slight smile.
“Is…is she all right?” Christian wrung his hands nervously.
“Just go see her. She wants to talk to you.”
Oh no, this can’t be good. Hannah can’t be dying. Lord, please don’t take Hannah from me! As Christian trudged into the room, he noticed Hannah was…happy?
“Hannah, what is it? Was iss letz?”
“Nothing is wrong, Christian,” she said while taking his hand.
“Well, then…I don’t understand. I thought –”
“We’re going to have a baby, Christian.” Illumination filled Hannah's eyes as though she'd swallowed the sunrise.
“Wha – really?” Confusion clouded Christian's face as the news registered. He couldn’t have been more surprised.
Hannah nodded in affirmation.
Christian let out a sigh of relief. “Ach, Hannah, that’s wonderful news!” Tears pricked Christian’s eyes as he bent down and kissed her lips. For three years now, he’d dreamed of this moment. He and Hannah would have a little one as a testament of their love for each other. A man could have no greater honor and his heart surged with joy.
Hannah knew Christian would be excited at the news. After all, he often spoke of having his own kinner, especially a little boy that could work alongside him out in the field. Wasn’t that every Amish man’s dream? Christian was a gut man and he deserved to have his own kinner.
Although Hannah was ecstatic too, unworthiness overshadowed her excitement. She knew she didn’t deserve the privilege of being a mother. She didn’t deserve love. Not after all the mistakes she’d made. She was thankful nonetheless, especially for Christian’s sake. This baby would surely be loved like no other.
Although pregnancies were usually kept under wraps in their community, Deborah knew Hannah was expecting. It seemed she could never, well, almost never, hide anything from her sister. Deborah and Peter already had a little one of their own, and to Hannah’s dismay he looked just like his Uncle Samuel. Hannah had a difficult time looking at her sweet nephew. He brought back too many memories – memories she’d desperately tried to keep buried.
“As far as I can tell, you’ll be having your boppli right around Good Friday. An Easter boppli, isn’t that exciting?” Deb squealed.
“Jah. Christian is very happy,” Hannah said.
“We should get started making a quilt for this little one, don’t you think? Ach, I’m so happy Elam will have a cousin soon. I’m surprised Samuel and Carolanne haven’t had any kinner yet.”
Hannah coughed, unwilling to respond to the last comment. Truth was, she wondered if maybe God was punishing Samuel for their sin as well. But if that were true, why was she now expecting?
“Oh, did I tell you that Peter and I will be going out to Ohio at Christmas time to visit Samuel? We’re excited to meet Carolanne. Samuel speaks so highly of her. You know she runs her own bakery. Samuel’s always going on and on about her cookies. I guess she makes these delicious –”
“Deb, please.” Hannah didn’t know if she could stomach any more of Samuel’s happy life. After keeping thoughts of him tucked away for so long, she didn’t think she’d be bothered this much. Perhaps it was just her hormones. She’d heard that women in the family way could sometimes be emotional. “I…I’m not really feeling all that well.”
“I thought you were through with your morning sickness.”
“Nee, I still get it sometimes.”
“You may lie down if you’d like. Samuel’s old room is empty, although some of his things are still in there. I can –”
“Ach, nee. I’ll be fine. Really. Uh, I should probably be going soon.” The last thing she needed was to be in Samuel’s room among his personal belongings…breathing in his scent…remembering the brief time they’d shared together and all that she’d lost. Hannah closed her eyes attempting to block the memories that now assaulted her once again. Would they ever go away?
“Going? But you just got here. Hannah, are you okay? You’ve been acting kind of ferhoodled. Is there something you’d like to tell me?” Deborah said suspiciously.
“Nee,” she said emphatically.
Deborah placed a hand on her shoulder. “You know, Hannah. You can talk to me about anything. If you want to talk –”
“Denki, Deb. I appreciate that. But I really am fine. This boppli just has me so emotional about everything.”
“I completely understand. I was that way with Little Sam – Elam. It seems he’s got himself a new nickname, with him looking so much like his Uncle Samuel and all.” Deborah laughed. “I think Samuel will be pleased to see that his nephew looks so much like him, especially since he and Carolanne don’t have any kinner yet. It’ll be a shame if they end up not being able to have any.”
Hannah sighed. It seemed nearly impossible keeping feelings of Samuel at bay when her sister was constantly talking about him. No, I need to think of Christian, my husband. “Christian’s really excited about this boppli coming,” Hannah blurted out.
“And you, Hannah? Are you excited too? I keep hearing you say how happy Christian is, but I haven’t heard you once say that you’re happy.” Deb raised an eyebrow.
“Uh…well, of course I’m happy. I’m just a little nervous, I guess,” Hannah recovered.
“Yes, I guess it can be scary being in the family way for the first time.” Deborah laughed. “Listen to me, talking as if I’m an old pro when I’ve only had one boppli. I’m sure everything will be just fine and you’ll be holding that baby in your arms before you know it.”
“Jah, you're probably right,” Hannah said agreeably. As a wave of nausea hit, Hannah's hand flew to her mouth.
“Hannah, kumm, you really ought to lay down.” Deborah took Hannah's elbow, gently pulling her toward Samuel's old room.
Hannah didn't protest this time. She realized it probably would do her some good to rest a bit. When they entered Samuel's room, relief flooded over her. The room looked like any other room in an Amish home: a simple bed topped with a quilt, a bureau with several drawers, a rack on the wall for clothing, and a simple nightstand next to the bed.
Perhaps, Hannah thought, if she could just lie down and sleep for a bit she wouldn't think of their past. After Deb closed the door to go prepare ginger tea to help with Hannah's nausea, she leaned back on the bed and closed her eyes. I'm not going to think of Samuel, she told herself. Several minutes later, Hannah gave up her futile attempt at sleep. It seemed nearly impossible when she just wasn't tired. She'd never been able to sleep during the day unless she was really sick.
Hannah unwittingly allowed her eyes to roam around the room. Nothing in the room pointed to Samuel: there were no clothes or hats out, no papers or Bible to identify that this was indeed his room. In fact, it could have been anybody's room. At least that's what Hannah thought until her eye caught something. She had missed it before, but now it stood out like iron pyrite shimmering under a clear stream. It stared at Hannah from inside the drawer, boring its eyes into her. Just some hay, jah, that's all it appeared to be. But the longer Hannah lay on the bed, the more intense the hay called to her.
This is silly, she told herself. Why am I so drawn to some old hay? Just to prove to herself that she was overreacting, Hannah stood from the bed and went to the bureau. She reached for the knob and pulled the drawer open. She didn't know what she was expecting, but it hadn't been this. Her breath caught as she gently lifted the small hay doll out of Samuel's drawer. Samuel kept this? Hannah's hands affectionately stroked the doll's plain face as sweet memories of time with Samuel bombarded her consciousness. Carefully examining the doll, Hannah noticed something on the underside that hadn't been there before. At arm's length it appeared to be a dark spot, but when Hannah examined it closer she realized Samuel had written her name on the doll. Why had Samuel kept this?
“Feeling better?” Deborah's voice called from the door.
Hannah hadn't even realized she had come in. She quickly brushed the tears from her eyes and set the doll on the dresser. “Ach, jah. I couldn't sleep.”
“What's that ya got there?” Deborah's eyebrows lifted in curiosity.
“Aw, nothing really. Just an old hay doll I found in the drawer,” Hannah answered.
“The one with your name on it?” Deb said knowingly.
Hannah's face heated. “How did you know?”
“I saw it when I was packing up Samuel's things to go in the attic. I left it there on purpose.” Deborah smiled. “Sometimes I come in here to look at it, remembering all the gut times we had as kinner. What I can't understand is why Samuel had it.”
Hannah said nothing.
“Hannah, I know you and Samuel were close,” Deborah divulged.
Oh no, please, God. Deborah can't know. “Jah, we were gut friends,” Hannah deflected.
“I think you were more than that. Just be honest, Hannah. You and Samuel had feelings for each other that went beyond friendship. I'm guessing that's why he left for Ohio so abruptly, jah? Maybe he didn't want to come between you and Christian?”
Hannah shrugged.
“Hannah...” Deborah hesitated. “Are you and Christian not happy?”
“Ach, nee. We are happy,” Hannah insisted.
“This is the life God chose for you, Hannah. You and Christian have a boppli on the way. You should be content; you have a gut life. Don't wish for something that will never be.” Deborah gently touched Hannah's arm. “I want to see you smile again.”
Tears filled Hannah's eyes as she embraced her younger sister. “Denki, Deb. I needed to hear that. I will try to be thankful for what Gott has given me.”