Chapter 10
Samuel reached over and squeezed Carolanne's hand, attempting to offer reassurance. The buggy wheel hit a rut in the dirt road, thrusting Carolanne forward, and she clenched her middle. She'd been experiencing pain on and off for a while, but lately her discomfort had become more frequent, and Samuel insisted she see the doctor. After having been married nearly four years without any children, Samuel hoped the doctor had good news for them. He was quite certain that Carolanne was expecting a boppli. What else could it be?
Carolanne had said she didn't think she could be in the family way, especially since her monthly cycle had never been regular. It seemed to Samuel that her symptoms pointed in that direction, though. With her lower back aching, her belly seemingly a bit larger than normal, along with her other symptoms, it just made perfect sense. Samuel had even read about it while thumbing through one of the pregnancy books his aunt Mary kept in their bookshelf.
Samuel smiled at the thought of finally becoming a father. He'd been worried that perhaps there was something wrong with him or Carolanne because they had yet to conceive. Most couples their age had at least two or three kinner already. But instead of taking matters into their own hands, they'd decided to trust the Lord.
It seemed Samuel had learned to do that quite a bit since coming out to Ohio. He had never been certain of his eternal destination until sitting down one night with Carolanne, Mary, and Timothy. When he realized it only took one sin to keep him out of Heaven, he knew he was in trouble. Surely he'd committed hundreds, if not thousands, of sins. Timothy had explained how simple salvation was: one only needed to believe in Christ and trust Him alone for salvation. Up until then, Samuel realized that he'd been trusting in his own works to get into Heaven. After all, he felt he was a pretty decent Amish man and hadn't made too many really bad mistakes. Well, except for with Hannah. But he realized that when he asked Jesus to save him, even that sin was washed away and forgotten by God. If only he could forget it too...
It had been twelve weeks since Hannah lost their first baby and Christian hoped another boppli would soon come to occupy the emptiness in their home and in their hearts. His hope intensified when Hannah rushed to the bathroom during breakfast, three days in a row now. He was quite certain she was in the family way again.
Today, they would pay a visit to the midwife. If Hannah was indeed in the family way, Christian wanted her to be seen as quickly as possible. The sooner she began taking her pregnancy herbs, the better chance she would have at a healthy pregnancy.
Christian leaned over and gave Hannah a kiss before descending the buggy to help her down. He knew she was just as excited about this potential pregnancy as he was, but her eyes held fear. Christian suspected that somehow Hannah felt responsible for the loss of their first child. She'd never voiced anything, but there was something about the way she reacted when he reassured her that it was God's will. He didn't know what else he could do to reassure Hannah. He hoped, for both their sakes, that a second child would heal their brokenness and give Hannah back the confidence she once possessed.
“She's definitely in the family way,” Chloe proudly announced, showing them both the results of Hannah's pregnancy test.
“That's wunderbaar!” Christian exclaimed, grasping Hannah's hand a little tighter. Hannah only gave a slight smile.
“Are you feeling all right, Hannah?” Chloe asked, her face darkening with concern.
“Ach, jah. I'm fine. Just a little worried, I guess.”
“Are ya thinkin' about the last one you lost?” Chloe asked, sympathy in her voice.
“Jah, I don't want to lose this one too,” Hannah answered candidly as tears threatened.
“I really wish I could tell you that you won't, but I'm afraid I have no control over that. We have to trust Der Herr to know what's best,” Chloe said. “Meanwhile, you do your best to stay healthy, follow the diet suggested by Danika Yoder, and take the herbs she's recommended. We've had many healthy pregnancies and bopplin in this district, and I'm convinced her protocol has a lot do with it.”
“Jah, I will do that,” Hannah said.
A sickening feeling turned in Samuel's gut as the doctor's grim expression met his eyes. The doctor shook his head. “I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Beachy; I wish I had good news for you. Carolanne is not expecting a baby.”
“That is okay,” Samuel reassured himself mostly. “But why has she been having these pains then?”
“I'm afraid the prognosis is not good. Carolanne has Stage Four Ovarian Cancer. It has metastasized to her liver and abdomen. Even with the best treatments we have available, the statistics aren’t promising,” the doctor sympathized.
“We are simple people, Doctor. We have not been to your colleges. What does all that mean?” Samuel asked unabashedly.
“It means that Carolanne is very sick and she will probably die soon. We can still treat her, but her chances of survival are slim.”
No, please, Lord. It can't be. “My wife...she is going to die?” Samuel's eyes filled with tears and he embraced Carolanne, who seemed to possess a strength Samuel did not. What happened to happily ever after? What happened to growing old together and raising kinner and grosskinner?
“It is okay, Samuel. I will get to see Jesus soon,” Carolanne reassured him.
“Yes, well,” the doctor interjected. “I advise you to begin treatments right away.”
“Nee, I will not have any treatments,” Carolanne insisted. “You said even with treatment, I will probably still die. These treatments will make me sick, jah?”
“I'm afraid so, Mrs. Beachy,” the doctor said.
“I don't feel too bad now. I think I can handle the pain, but I don't want the last days of my life with Samuel to be filled with sickness.”
“I understand, Ma'am. Let me give you a prescription for the pain, just in case it becomes too unbearable.”
“Nothing is unbearable, Doctor. God promised not to give me more than I can handle. I will trust Him for my comfort.” Carolanne smiled up at Samuel.
“My fraa is a strong woman. Denki, Doctor, for your services.” Samuel shook the man's hand.
“I hope all goes well with you.” The doctor nodded as he exited the examining room.
After the doctor left the room, Samuel contemplated the situation in silence while Carolanne fastened her dress. What will I do if Carolanne dies? He trusted the Lord, but he felt like he should do something. Something special. Carolanne has been such a blessing to me. If only...
That's when an idea popped into his head. Samuel smiled down at Carolanne.
“What are you so happy about?” she asked.
“Just thinking of my wunderbaar fraa and the blessing she is to me.” He placed an arm around her shoulder. “What do you want, Carolanne?”
“What do you mean?” Her pretty blue eyes flashed a questioning look.
“If you could have anything, go anywhere, do anything, what would it be?” he asked.
“Nix, I just want to be with you, Samuel. I could be happy anywhere, doing anything, as long as I'm with you.”
“But if you could? Is there nothing you've wanted to do, a dream maybe?”
“Ach, there's one thing. It's silly, though.” She quickly dismissed her thought. “Why do you want to know?”
He ignored her question and pressed further. “Tell me, Fraa. Please.”
Carolanne couldn't resist Samuel's sweet puppy dog eyes. “I've always wanted to see the sunset over the ocean,” she said dreamily. “I told you it was silly.”
“Nee, it's not silly. We will go.” Samuel determined.
“But we'll have to go all the way to the West coast,” she protested.
Samuel smiled. “We will go.”