Chapter 17
Hannah had cried herself to sleep last night. Samuel was gone. When Christian told her of Samuel’s note, she’d felt a mixture of sadness, betrayal, and relief all at the same time. Relieved for Christian’s sake, but grieved at the finality of her and Samuel’s relationship. She’d wanted to break down in tears then and there, but Christian surely would have suspected something. No, as bleak as it seemed, Christian was the only steady thing in her life right now, despite his past indiscretions, which now seemed miniscule in comparison to her own. She would cling to that lifeline now because it was all she had.
Samuel had been there when she needed him the night before last, but where was he now? Did he just expect her to go on as though nothing had happened between them, as though they hadn’t shared the most intimate part of their lives with each other? How could he go now and ask Carolanne to marry him after what they’d shared? How could she marry Christian? Surely the guilt would never allow her to do such a thing.
Hannah did her best to forget Samuel and what they’d shared together, but it was impossible. She knew deep down that nothing could erase the memories. She would never forget. But she tried. Each day she would go about her normal routine, and when Samuel’s image popped up she suppressed it and forced herself to think about something else.
Six weeks passed. Hannah thought she had finally succeeded in laying Samuel’s memory to rest – she hadn’t thought of him in days. And then it began. Hannah sat at the breakfast table with the rest of her family, but she couldn’t think about eating. Her face flushed and she felt heat rise to her cheeks. Just the smell of the food sent Hannah running to the restroom.
“Hannah, are you feeling alright?” Mamm asked in concern.
“Ach, nee. Ich feel grank.”
“You must be getting the flu. I’ve heard it’s been going around. Go to your room and get some rest. The others can tend to your chores. I’ll have Deborah call Fraa Schrock and tell her you can’t make it in to the candle shop today,” Miriam insisted.
“Jah, denki Mamm,” Hannah said, while plodding to the staircase. Each step seemed to drain more and more of her energy. By the time Hannah had made it to her bedroom, she was exhausted. She fell asleep effortlessly, but when she awakened again the nausea returned. And it continued relentlessly over the next week.
“Hannah, I think you need to go see the doctor. This flu doesn’t seem to be going away and all of the color has drained from your face.” Miriam worried.
“Nee, Mamm. I’m fine.” Hannah attempted to reassure her mother. “I’m sure I’ll get better soon.”
Mamm’s eyes widened as though she’d just had an unimaginable thought. “Hannah, are you…You and Christian haven’t entered the marriage bed prematurely, have you?”
Hannah’s cheeks immediately flushed. “Ach, nee, Mamm.”
“Oh, gut.” Miriam sighed in relief, placing her hand over her heart. “I’m sorry that I had to ask that. I know you are a gut dochder. All right, then. But if you’re not better by next week, you will go see the doctor.”
After Mamm left the room, Hannah placed her hand over her abdomen. Tears filled her eyes. “No. No, please. Dear Gott, please don’t let me be in the family way. I can’t be.” But as Hannah silently prayed the words, she realized that they were true. She was pregnant with Samuel Beachy’s boppli.
What would she do now? She couldn’t tell Samuel. He was out in Ohio and she’d heard he had already purchased a home for him and Carolanne to move into after they married, which was only a few weeks away. Life had never seemed so hopeless. Hannah knew there was only one solution but it went against everything she’d ever believed; just the thought of it made her weep.
The following week, Mamm insisted that Hannah get out for some fresh air, convinced that it would help her to feel better. If she only knew, Hannah thought. She and Deborah had been sent into town to run some errands and the first stop was the fabric shop, which was right next door to a local café. Deborah encouraged her to go in, but Hannah chose to stay in the buggy because she wasn’t feeling well.
Hannah watched as people strolled along the sidewalk, but particularly noticed a group of teen Englisch girls sitting at one of the umbrella-covered tables outside the café. She was close enough to catch bits and pieces of their conversation and her ears perked up when she heard one word: pregnant. Hannah knew eavesdropping was wrong, but she couldn’t help but listen in.
“I don’t know what I’d do if I found out I was pregnant,” a blonde girl with a ponytail said. “My parents would so kill me.”
Her brunette friend took a sip of her fancy coffee and added, “I know, that would be scary, huh? Poor Brittany, what is she going to do?”
“Well, Erik left and she doesn’t have any way to get a hold of him. Besides, he pretty much made it clear that they were through. I think she’s seriously considering abortion. She made an appointment with that clinic over on Elm Street for next week.”
Deborah hopped back into the buggy just then. “How are you feeling?”
Hannah had to shake her head to pull her thoughts back together. It almost sounded as though the girls had been talking about her, rather than their friend Brittany. “I…I’m okay.”
“Is the fresh air helping at all? I think you should go see Danika Yoder and get some herbs. I know they always help me feel better when I’m sick,” Deb suggested.
“Jah, maybe I’ll do that,” Hannah said.
If Deborah only knew that I'm expecting Samuel’s baby. What would she think? Would she hate me? Would our relationship be ruined? What would Deborah’s beau think of his brother? What would his parents think? No, like Brittany, she knew there was only one way to get out of this so that no one would know. She couldn’t bring shame upon her family, upon Samuel’s family, and upon Christian. Hannah determined she would make an appointment at the clinic on Elm Street – the sooner the better.
Hannah sat in the clinic waiting room alone. She looked down at her Englisch clothes, or rather, Deborah’s Englisch clothes. She wore jeans and a red button up short-sleeve top along with a pair of tennis shoes that she had smuggled out of Deb’s hope chest. She hoped Deborah wouldn’t notice they were missing. Her hair hung in a high ponytail, but she doubled it up so as to make it not appear so long. Today, she wanted to appear authentically Englisch. After all, no Amish person would step foot in an abortion clinic – wouldn’t even consider it.
She picked up the clipboard of papers on the plastic seat beside her and signed them as directed. There were so many, she would have been there for hours trying to read and understand them all. The woman at the front desk assured her the forms were routine and that most people don’t even bother to read them, so she didn’t either. Her hands shook as she signed her name to the papers. She just wanted this whole mess to be over with.
A young couple sat in chairs nearby and she could overhear their conversation.
“I can’t do this,” the girl cried.
The boy took her hand. “You have to. We don’t have any other choice. If your parents find out, you know they’ll kick you out of the house. And I’m not ready to be a father.”
“What if I decided I want to keep the baby?” Hope filled her eyes.
“Then you can say goodbye to me because I’m not sticking around to help you raise it. I told you I’m too young to have that kind of responsibility. I’ll tell everyone that you've been sleeping around and the kid isn’t mine.”
The girl now sobbed. “You…you would leave me?”
“If that’s what I had to do,” he said smugly.
Hannah turned away. She couldn’t hear any more. What would Samuel do if he were here? Would he be threatening to leave me like this girl’s beau is? Would he be encouraging me to get an abortion? Somehow, she suspected he would be doing the opposite.
But Samuel wasn’t here now. No, he was far away planning a wedding to a woman who probably had no clue about Hannah or their relationship. She would not upset
Samuel’s life. She already knew that he didn’t want her or their baby. He’d made that perfectly clear when he left eight weeks ago. Hannah’s heart wrenched in pain at the thought of Samuel’s rejection. He said he loved me…
Trembling and with tears in her eyes, she followed the worker into a back room. The woman told Hannah that she was making the right decision, a wise decision, but somehow she doubted that was true. If she’d been wise, she would never have given herself to Samuel in the first place. No, she wasn’t wise, she was desperate. And no amount of consoling from a stranger would convince her otherwise. She wasn’t here because she was choosing to do the best thing; she was here because she felt she had no choice.
Hannah cried out in pain as the procedure began, despite the pain medication they had given her. The dilation process had been painful enough, not to mention embarrassing and shameful. To have a man – a complete stranger – looking upon her and touching her, even if he was a so-called doctor, was utterly humiliating. And by the man's rude bedside manner, she gathered he was only in this profession for the money. She felt worthless, like a piece of discarded trash. Oh, how she wished she was anywhere but here.
Tears flowed from Hannah’s eyes when the 'procedure', as they'd called it, was finally over. She had done it. She had ended the life of another, an innocent human being, and she was now a murderer. No matter that the nurse had said they were only removing tissue. Hannah knew the truth. She would spend the rest of her life doing good deeds to make up for this one horrifying act, she knew.
What she thought might bring some relief, only brought more sorrow. Exactly how her life would carry on, she was uncertain. But she took solace in one thing: nobody knew about it. And as long as she never told, nobody would ever know. She could continue on with her life as though it had never happened. Or so she’d thought...