Chapter 20
Christian looked up into the blue sky then suddenly stopped in his tracks. The corn stalks gently swayed in the breeze and an unexplainable feeling came over Christian. He glanced at Samuel and noticed…something. He was hiding something. What was it?
“It was you.” The barely audible words escaped Christian’s lips. But as he said them, he somehow knew deep inside they were true.
“Did you say something?” he asked. Samuel must’ve not heard the words.
“Jah, I did. I said it was you. You’re the one,” Christian said with so little emotion Samuel wondered if he’d just imagined the words.
Samuel knew exactly what he was referring to. Christian knows? Samuel’s hands began sweating as panic seized his thoughts. Dear God, what should I do? There’d already been too many lies, too many secrets. And although Hannah wanted to spare them all grief, it was time the truth be told. “Jah, it was me,” Samuel admitted shamefully.
What was it in Samuel’s eyes? The look of treachery. The two people I loved and trusted most played me for a fool and betrayed me. “Nee. Please tell me it’s not true, Samuel,” Christian pled in denial. “Please tell me my closest friend did not...” He couldn’t say the words.
Samuel could not look into Christian’s eyes. “It was just one time. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Sarcasm dripped from Christian’s indignant words. “No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m a sorry fool for thinking I had a loyal friend. I was a dummkopp for believing my fiancé – my wife – loved me. I’m sorry that the two people I loved and trusted most would be so selfish as to take away my opportunity to see my own offspring. I’m sorry that I’ve lost three precious kinner because of ‘just’ one night of sin!” Christian’s voice shook with fury.
Oh, God. What have I done? Tears filled Samuel’s eyes. “Please…forgive me, Christian.”
Christian came toe to toe with Samuel and stared him in the eye. “Forgive you? You think a few meaningless words are going to erase everything you’ve done, everything you’ve stolen from me? I’d rather go to Hell than forgive you, Samuel Beachy.”
“You don’t mean that, Christian.” Samuel reached out to touch Christian's arm.
Christian quickly shook Samuel's hand off in disgust. “I meant every word. You may leave now. And while you’re at it, go ahead and take my wife with you. That’s what you came here for in the first place, isn’t it? Well, you can have her. She’s of no use to me now, but I’m sure she can still provide for your…desires.”
“Christian –”
“I said leave now! I don’t ever want to see your face again.”
“You’re not being reasonable,” Samuel protested.
Christian had had enough. He’d never used violence in his life, had always been taught that it was wrong and went against the ways of his people, but a man could only endure so much. He knew he should walk away, but he didn’t. At this moment, not much mattered to him.
His clenched fist met Samuel’s face with such force he was immediately knocked to the ground. It felt so good. All his pent-up anger and frustration had finally found its outlet.
As Samuel stumbled back to his feet, blood dripped from his nose. Christian took pleasure in delivering another blow to his stomach, causing Samuel to double over.
Samuel grunted, “Go ahead, Christian. I deserve it.”
Christian felt like beating him to a pulp, but instead he took one more disgusted look at his back-stabbing best friend, and then walked away. His life was over. He had nothing now. Such a feeling of grief flooded his soul; he didn’t know what to do. In truth, he felt like taking his own life. And he would, if it weren’t for the sorrow and shame it would cause his folks.
Christian entered the main house and found Hannah standing near the sink. She was so beautiful, that Jezebel, but now he could hardly stand to look at her. “All this time and it was him? He’s the one you’ve been covering for all these years? All your depression, all the crying was over him?”
Compassion filled Hannah’s heart. She could hear the hurt, so evident in his voice. Oh, she’d caused so much pain. “Christian, I–”
“No!” he hollered. “I don’t want to hear you’re sorry. I’m done, Hannah.”
“What are ya sayin’?”
“I’m done with all this. With you. With Samuel. With this whole miserable life.” His tired voice trembled.
Christian's pain was unfathomable. Hannah couldn’t let him do this to himself; he was such a good man. She knew he was speaking out of grief. She went to him, but he brushed her aside and turned back toward the door he’d just entered. “Please don’t leave, Christian. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she said in desperation.
“Oh, I see. So now you want me?”
“I’ve always wanted you!” she cried.
“Nee, not always.” His accusing stare bore through her.
She wanted to scream at him and tell him this was all his fault. If he hadn’t cheated on her with that stupid Englisch girl, she wouldn’t have been in Samuel’s arms. She wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. And she wouldn’t have killed an innocent human life. They would have their own kinner – alive, healthy and happy. But she didn’t say anything. She realized that she alone bore the guilt and shame of what she’d done. And all the excuses in the world couldn’t have justified it.
“Christian, we never intended to…it just happened. What Samuel and I did, it was a mistake,” she said miserably.
“No, I’m the one that made the mistake. I never should have trusted you. I never should have married you.”
Hannah desperately wanted to draw him into her arms and hold him tight, to give him comfort and reassurance. She craved for him to pull her close and tell her that she was forgiven and they could work this out, but she realized now that would never happen. Her sin truly was unforgivable. “You don’t mean that, Christian! I know you love me,” she wailed.
“Nee, not anymore, Hannah.” Christian strengthened his resolve. “This is my house and I don’t want you here any longer. I can't stand the sight of you anymore. Go pack your things and leave,” he ordered.
This couldn't be happening. “No, Christian.”
Anger rose up inside him and he pounded his fist on the table, knocking over the Mason jar that held flowers from Hannah’s garden. “Don’t tell me no! I said get out.”
Trembling, Hannah ran to their bedroom, threw herself across their bed, and wept once again. How could she have messed up her life so badly? How could one mistake snowball into such an avalanche that she had no idea how to get out from under it?
After a few minutes, she arose from the bed and found the only suitcase she owned. As she began removing items from her hope chest and bureau, tears streamed down her cheeks and her shoulders heaved. Hannah never imagined she could cause so much pain. She did not want to lose Christian; she’d already lost so much. If she left right now, she didn’t know how any of them would move on with their lives.
“I’m sorry about all this, Hannah,” Samuel’s voice sounded from the doorway.
Hannah looked up at him, surprised that Christian had allowed him into the house.
Samuel sensed her apprehension. “Don’t worry. Christian is not here. He took off in the buggy,” he explained.
“Ach, Samuel, your face.” She looked on his bruised and bloodied face with empathy.
“Don’t worry about it. I deserved much worse than what I got.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Hannah said, wiping away a fresh wave of tears. “Christian doesn’t want me anymore.”
Samuel approached and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Come with me, Hannah. You may not believe this, but I do love you.”
“But what about Christian?” she protested. “I can’t leave him.”
“Didn’t you just say he won’t have you anymore? He told me to take you with me. I’m sorry, Hannah, but I’m quite certain your marriage is over,” Sam
uel said dejectedly. “I promise I’ll take care of you. We can start again and build a new life together.”
“But we’re Amish, Samuel. I can’t get a…a…” she struggled to say the word, virtually unheard of in their culture, “…divorce,” she contended.
“Nee, Hannah. You and I, we can no longer be Amish. No Amish district will accept us now. What we have done, it’s unforgivable.” Samuel clarified. “They would say that we are forgiven, jah, but in their hearts we would still be outcasts. Nobody would want to have anything to do with us. We must become Englischers. There is no other way.”
“I don’t know how to live in the Englisch world, Samuel. The Amish life is all I’ve ever known,” she said. “And my family, how can I leave them?”
“Do you think your family will accept you now?”
“You are right. I know they could not accept me. I’ve brought so much shame,” Hannah cried.
Samuel comforted Hannah, pulling her close. “I will take care of you, Hannah. I promise. We will get through this together.”
“But I still love Christian.”
“Of course you do. You will always love Christian. Nothing will ever change that.” Samuel sighed and brushed away her tears. His sincere eyes looked into hers. “I’m so sorry, Hannah. I’ve failed you in so many ways.”
“We’ve both failed, Samuel.”
“Give me a chance to make it up to you. I know we’ll never get our boppli back. And part of us will always be broken. It won’t be easy, but you won’t have to do it alone,” Samuel pledged.
Hannah sniffled, drawing strength from Samuel’s comfort. “Denki, Samuel. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You are all I have left.”
Samuel’s hands cradled her soft face and he gazed into her troubled eyes. He bent down and gently brushed his lips to hers. “I love you, Hannah,” he whispered.
Neither one of them heard the buggy rumble up the driveway. Nor did either of them hear Christian enter the house. But there he was, irate, and standing in the doorway. “How dare you! Could you not even wait to get her alone in a hotel room, Samuel? Must you take my wife in my own house? Before my very eyes?” Christian clenched his hands, struggling to keep his composure. “I’m going to the barn to unhitch Cowboy. When I get back, you’d better both be gone. And I don’t ever want to see you again!” He aimed one last penetrating glare at Hannah and then trudged out the back door.
Inside the barn, Christian stumbled onto a bale of hay. “Why God? Why? I don’t understand.” As he sat in the darkness with his face in his hands, tears flowed freely from his eyes. It was unquestionable in his mind whether there was any pain on this earth worse than what he now suffered. He’d rarely cried as a man, and as he now wept, he realized he didn’t possess the strength he thought he had. Never in his life could he have ever imagined experiencing such excruciating heartache.
The sound of buggy wheels and gentle trotting drove another dagger through his heart. Everything he loved most in this life was now driving away in that buggy. When the echo of hoof beats had faded into nothingness, Christian stood, his feeble knees barely holding the weight of his one hundred and eighty pound frame. He slowly ambled toward the house, hoping it would bring some sense of solace. Instead, it was cold and empty. Exactly how he felt.
He realized he needed strength, sustenance that couldn’t come from bread alone. He desperately needed God.
Christian entered his bedroom to retrieve his Bible from the top drawer of his desk. He glanced at the bed – his and Hannah’s marriage bed – a place meant to be kept sacred and undefiled. How many times had she been thinking of Samuel instead of me when we’d made love? The disgusting thought sickened him to his stomach.
With a detached rage, Christian began opening all the drawers in Hannah’s dresser. He threw out everything she had left in them until they were completely empty. Likewise, he did the same with what was left in her hope chest. Lifting out a delicate tea cup, Hannah’s favorite, he threw it against the wall, shattering it into thousands of tiny pieces. A perfect symbol of his life.
He grabbed his clothing and Bible and stomped into the spare bedroom. If he could help it, he would never step foot into that room again.