Read An Unforgivable Secret (Amish Secrets - Book 1) Page 22

  Chapter 19

  So many questions swirled through Samuel's mind as he picked up his pace, heading toward the house. If Hannah had been pregnant before...

  Samuel stumbled into the kitchen where Hannah sat at the table staring into nothingness. “Was the boppli mine?” Samuel blurted out as his heart pounded with emotion. He feared the answer, but realized he needed to hear it just the same.

  Hannah remained silent. She never thought this day would come, prayed it would never come. Why couldn’t her secret have remained hidden? She had been getting along fine, coping the best way she knew how. Why did this have to come to light? She squeezed her eyes shut, willing Samuel to go away.

  “Please, Hannah, I need to know. Was the baby mine?” he pleaded. His heartbeat now thumped in his ears.

  Unable to avoid the question any longer, Hannah hung her head in defeat and whispered, “Jah.”

  “Dear Gott, no.” Samuel didn't attempt to hide his disappointment or mask the anger in his voice. “Why? Why didn't you tell me?” he asked in a shaky voice as tears threatened.

  “You said you loved me!” Her accusing stare shot through to his heart.

  “I did love you,” he insisted.

  “Then why did you leave? Why didn’t you stay here and marry me? After what we…” Tears choked out her words and she swallowed the lump in her throat. “I thought I meant something to you.”

  Samuel's eyes held sympathy. He wanted to reach out and pull Hannah close, but he didn't. “Oh, Hannah, you meant a great deal to me. That is partially why I left. I knew that if I stayed here that you and I would have to marry immediately. Because there’s no way on this earth, after that night in the barn, that I’d be able to keep my eyes or my hands off of you. Imagine the scandal that would have caused. And Christian, I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t lose his friendship.” His words mocked him and he inwardly winced at the irony of it all. “I knew that if I went away, you would eventually go back to Christian. And everything would return to the way it was.”

  “So you sacrificed me for Christian?”

  “Jah, in a way, I suppose. But I truly thought you’d be happy with Christian.”

  “I love Christian; he is a good man. He’s been kind and caring…till now.”

  “Hannah, I wish you would have told me about this. We could have worked something out. Don’t you think I had a right to know that you were carrying my boppli?” Samuel felt as though a vice had clamped down on his heart and with every word it squeezed tighter.

  “I couldn't tell you, Samuel,” she whispered in a desperate tone. “You weren't here. You'd left to marry Carolanne.”

  “But if I'd known, I would have –”

  “You would have what, Samuel? You would have informed your best friend that his betrothed was in the family way with your boppli? Would you have told your beloved Carolanne, ‘I'm sorry; we can't get hitched because I fornicated with my best friend's fiancé up in my vatter’s haymow’? Or maybe you would have told your folks that you'd brought shame to their respected Beachy name? Don't you see, Samuel? I had no other choice. This seemed like the most logical thing to do.”

  Logical? Samuel's blood boiled and he raked his hands through his hair in an attempt to calm himself. “Logical? You kill my boppli and I'm supposed to think it's logical? I was the vatter, Hannah! I had a right to know. I could have had a son.” His incredulous voice raised an octave. To think his only chance at having a child had been snatched away, stolen without consideration to what his desires might be. A lone tear trickled down his cheek. “Did you not think that I may have actually wanted my child – our child?” His pained eyes met hers.

  “I was all alone. I thought you didn't want me. I was scared, Samuel. What was I supposed to do?” she cried. “I never expected it to turn out this way.” Hannah sobbed into her palms. “Oh Samuel, my life is such a mess.”

  Samuel’s anger subsided and he pulled her into his arms, gently stroking her hair. As she wept into his chest, he thought of that night and the tender moments they’d shared. Something that never should have happened. Oh, if he’d only known the outcome of his actions. Things would have turned out so differently. Surely I would have married Hannah if I’d known about our boppli. But nothing could erase what they’d done. Nothing could bring their baby back. Choices made, whether bad or good, follow you forever and affect everyone in their path one way or another. “Shh...I'm sorry about my reaction.”

  “I know now that it was a big mistake. I...I don't know what to do,” she cried, clinging to Samuel as though he were her sustenance.

  “Christian doesn’t have any idea, does he? I mean, that the boppli was mine?”

  “Nee, but he's asked me whose it was. I wouldn't betray you. He has no idea.”

  Samuel didn't know if he was relieved or disappointed. Surely if Christian found out...ach, he hated to think of what the consequences might be. Everything that Samuel had tried to protect – Hannah, his friendship with Christian – had already been, or was on the verge of being destroyed. And there wasn’t a single thing he could do about it. “What are we going to do?”