Chapter 29
Although the retreat had been refreshing, Hannah was thankful to be home. To her, it seemed as though she and Christian had barely gotten married and they were just beginning their lives together. Now, though, she wasn’t hiding any secrets and she could be completely open with Christian. Just that burden being lifted felt so gut.
She’d come home from the retreat with a list of things she needed to do. Number one on the list was telling her parents, Samuel’s parents, and Christian’s parents about the abortion and the impact it’d had on all their lives. It was not going to be an easy task. Hannah now knew the destruction keeping secrets could bring; especially a secret of this magnitude.
Christian leaned over her shoulder from behind the couch and pecked her cheek. “Whatcha doin’?”
“Ach, just thinkin’ about how our folks and Samuel’s folks will react. I’m scared, Christian.”
He rounded the couch and abruptly plopped down next to her. He took her hand in his. “Give it to God. Remember, you cannot control others’ reactions. Keep in consideration their pain and give them grace. I don’t expect them to be happy about it.”
“Nee, that they will not be. I just wish it wasn’t so hard.” She brushed away a tear.
“It will get easier. It already has, jah?” He squeezed her hand.
“Yes. The retreat helped a lot. Denki for everything, Christian. For understanding and helping me through all this. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”
“It is not me that has carried you through this. It was Der Herr.” Christian loosened her kapp and delightfully watched her long hair tumble down from her bun. “Kumm, tomorrow will be a long day. You need your rest.”
Hannah took a deep breath as she knocked on the back door of the Beachy home. She and Christian had seen Samuel’s father enter the barn just prior to their arrival. Surely he was busy working in his harness shop and didn’t wish to be disturbed. Maybe they should come back another time.
Just as Hannah’d convinced herself to turn around, Samuel’s mother answered the door. “Hannah, Christian! To what pleasure do we owe this visit?” Her smile welcomed them into the house.
Oh Lord, please help me. “We need to discuss something important with you and your husband,” Hannah said as she felt Christian’s hand of support on the small of her back. “It is best if the kinner are not around.”
Her countenance quickly sobered. “Paul is in the barn. How about if we join him there?”
Hannah cringed. The last place she wanted to be was in Samuel’s parents’ barn. Even though she attempted to suppress them, memories of her intimate time with Samuel still plagued her conscience. She didn’t say anything and quietly followed Samuel’s mother out to the barn.
“Paul,” Samuel’s mother called out. “Christian and Hannah are here. They say they have something important to discuss with us.”
Samuel’s father set the leather strap he’d been working on down on his work table and wiped his hands on a nearby rag. He extended his hand to Christian and nodded politely to Hannah.
Hannah’s toes curled inside her shoes. She took a deep breath. “You are not going to like what I have to say, but I must say it anyway.” She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, summoning the courage to speak the words she knew she must. “Before Christian and I married, Samuel and I conceived a child. I ended the boppli’s life without him knowing.”
Hannah watched as the reality slowly set in. She continued. “When he returned from Ohio, just prior to his death, he found out about our boppli. He…he was not happy with what I’d done, but he did forgive me. I hope you will too.” Hannah handed Samuel’s mother the letter Samuel had written to her. “I’m…I’m so sorry.” Hannah wiped a tear from her cheek.
Confusion was replaced with shock which now registered on their expressions. Samuel’s mother looked as though all the blood had drained from her face. “You mean our Samuel had a child? I don’t believe this.” She shook her head. “How…Why…I don’t know what to say.”
“Surely our son would have informed us if he’d had a child,” Paul stated skeptically.
She glanced up at Samuel’s father. “Samuel didn’t know. He went out to Ohio before I found out that I was in the family way,” Hannah explained. “He didn’t know until the day he died. He probably would have told you about it eventually.”
“Wait, what do you mean you ended the child’s life?” Samuel’s mother asked.
Hannah sucked in a breath. “I had an abortion.”
She gasped. Full realization had finally sunk in. “You…you aborted our grossboppli? You killed Samuel’s only child?” Hannah watched as tears formed in Samuel’s mother’s eyes. “How could you do that? Who gave you the right to play God?”
This is exactly what Hannah was afraid of. “Nobody. I’m sorry.”
“We could have a…” she counted on her fingers “…a five-six year old grandchild. He or she would be starting school now.”
Tears rose in Hannah’s eyes. How many times had she had those very same thoughts? She remained silent. What could she say?
“If you didn’t want Samuel’s boppli, I surely would have taken it. How could you be so selfish, Hannah? To not only hide Samuel’s baby from him, but to deny Paul and me the right to our own grossboppli? Imagine, Paul, we could be raising Samuel’s boppli now.” She brushed away a tear.
“We will go now,” Christian spoke.
“Yes, I think you need to,” Paul agreed.
Samuel’s mother spoke again. “I must say, I’m ashamed of you, Hannah Glick. I thought you had more decency than that. I never would have thought that sweet little Hannah Stolzfus would become a murderer. The bishop should have you shunned for this. I –”
“That’s enough!” Christian’s voice rose. “Have you never made a mistake in your life? Why don’t you just pick up a stone and throw it at her? Did you not hear her say that she’s sorry?”
Christian put his arm around his wife. “Let’s go, Hannah.” He led her out of the barn to their buggy, opened the door for Hannah, and helped her up. “I’m sorry, Hannah. I did not expect Samuel’s parents to react that way.”
“Neither did I, but I think I understand. They are hurting. They’ve lost their son and now their grandchild. We must not hold any bitterness against them.” Hannah watched the trees passing by as they neared the edge of the Beachy property.
“You’re right. I just hope it goes better with our parents,” Christian said.
“I don’t think it could get any worse, jah?”
“I don’t see how it could. I admire you, Hannah. You are a strong woman.”
She squeezed his hand. “Denki, Christian. But I assure you, I do not feel strong.”
As Hannah and Christian sat in her parents’ living room, her mother gathered her in a comforting embrace.
“I knew something was wrong.” Miriam shook her head. “I’m sorry, Hannah. I had no idea you were suffering so much. I wish you would have come to us in the first place. I know we would have been upset at first, but we could have gotten through it. I’m sorry if there was anything I did or said that made you think you couldn’t confide in me.” Her eyes filled with compassion.
“I was just so scared, Mamm. I was afraid that Samuel didn’t love me anymore. Scared that you and Dat would be disappointed. Afraid of hurting Christian and being rejected. I didn’t know what to do. I thought everything would be easier if I just wasn’t pregnant. But what I didn’t realize is that the abortion did not make me un-pregnant. It made me the mother of a dead baby. If I had any idea how much sorrow it would cause, how much more complicated it would actually make my life…” She shook her head. “I’ve messed up so many things. We’ve lost so much because of my decision. Christian and I will never have our own bopplin.”
“Jah, that is true. But Der Herr has forgiven you, Hannah,” her father Silas reminded.
Hannah swiped the moisture from her eyes. “I know, Dat. I just wish I would have been w
iser. I wish I would have done things differently.”
“We all wish that we could do that; but we can’t, can we? It is all in Gott’s hands, Hannah,” her mother assured. “Der Herr can take the disgraceful and make something beautiful out of it. He has already healed your and Christian’s marriage, jah?”
Hannah glanced at her husband’s smiling face. Oh, she was so thankful for his support. “Jah. Christian has been wonderful.” Christian squeezed her hand.
“Will you stay for dinner?” Mamm asked, changing the subject.
Christian looked to Hannah and raised his eyebrows.
“Ach, denki for asking, Mamm. But we still need to visit Christian’s folks tonight,” she said regrettably.
“Why don’t the two of you come for supper after meeting on Sunday then? How does that sound?” Mamm asked.
Christian perked up. “That sounds great. Hannah and I would love to come.”
“And we would love to have you,” Silas added.
Christian’s folks had also responded with empathy and understanding. While they were saddened that they would never have grossboppli from Hannah and Christian and disappointed that Christian would not have an heir to carry on his name, they were proud of how their son supported his wife.
With each visit they’d made, including the visit with Samuel’s parents, Hannah felt lighter. It was as though, brick by brick, the stone wall was crumbling. She couldn’t remember a time, since the abortion, that she’d felt this free. God truly was gracious!