Read An Unforgivable Secret (Amish Secrets - Book 1) Page 31
Chapter 28
As the weekend progressed, Christian and Hannah both felt as though they’d come a long way. They discovered that Post-Abortion Syndrome is wrought by intense trauma and, in order to cope, they had erected certain defense mechanisms. As the symptoms of PAS were read – among them were guilt, fear, flashbacks/nightmares, depression and thoughts of suicide, longing to replace the child that had been lost, along with others – Hannah recognized that she had been experiencing many of them.
Christian also carried around many burdens associated with the abortion, even though the child hadn’t been his. He remembered how he’d felt after Hannah had miscarried each of their three, and now sympathized with Samuel. He realized Samuel had probably been reeling from the loss of his child at the time of his death. Why is that I was so engulfed in my own pain, that I couldn’t see Samuel’s? And all I had was condemnation for my best friend when he’d needed me most. The thought grieved his heart mercilessly.
After they had gone through several activities with the other attendees, most of them involving writing, their weekend was quickly coming to a close. The exercises had dealt with relief and denial, anger, and depression. All of these elements were like bricks in a wall that had been erected in their lives. And each one necessitated breaking down prior to forgiveness and healing taking place.
Now, for the toughest part of all: letting go.
“For this final exercise, we’d like each participant to write a letter to your lost loved one. If you’ve lost more than one child, write a letter to each one,” the instructor advised. “And if you haven’t given your child a name yet, consider doing that now. We will meet back in this room after lunch. The memorial service will conclude our weekend.”
Hannah turned to Christian. “I will write four letters: one for each of our three and one for Samuel’s.” The hurt that Hannah expected to see in Christian’s eyes was non-existent – evidence he’d dealt with his previous anger and guilt. He now only held empathy and understanding.
Christian grasped his wife’s hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “Jah, I will too.”
“I’m so glad you’re here with me, Christian. It is difficult, for certain sure, but without you it would be much more so.” She leaned into her husband’s embrace.
“I love you, Hannah. And I promise I’ll never leave you again. I can see now how God put us together. We need each other.” Christian paused. “And I don’t know if you realize this or not, but I think I needed this just as much as you did.”
Hannah wanted to kiss away the tears in Christian’s eyes. She was grateful they had both grown so much over these last couple of days, and there was no doubt in Hannah’s mind that Der Herr had orchestrated it all.
Hannah named her and Samuel’s first and only child after its father; and since she didn’t know whether the child was male or female, Hannah named the baby Sam – appropriate for either gender.
She and Christian both decided on names for their three lost little ones. Since the first two had been boys, they’d been named Chris, after Christian, and Silas, after Hannah’s father. The third child – a girl – was named Miriam, after Hannah’s mother.
After Christian and Hannah arrived back at their cabin, Hannah pulled out her notebook and began lovingly penning the words she’d had bottled up inside for years. The first letter to little Sam seemed to be the most difficult because she’d realized the innocent child had undoubtedly suffered pain during the abortion. She, the mother who was meant to love, protect, and nurture her unborn child, had instead consented to her baby’s death. Although she’d tried to forgive herself for that horrifying act, it proved to be a daily struggle.
The ink on the page blurred as the floodgates opened and she poured out her heart to her little one. Admitting her sin to baby Sam on paper had been more difficult than telling the baby’s father about it. She knew now that Samuel probably would have given his life for their little one and that realization shamed her. But she quickly reminded herself that she no longer needed to hold on to her guilt and that Christ’s sacrifice was sufficient to forgive her guilt and shame. My grace is sufficient for thee. The words soothed her soul like a healing balm.
“This final session usually proves to be the most healing and most memorable for our attendees. We’d like each of you to come up to the podium, one by one or with your spouse, and read the letters to your loved ones. After you’ve read your letters, place them in the box at the foot of the cross.” The speaker gestured toward a rugged two foot wooden cross that sat atop a table with a beautifully carved white box in front of it. “We will bury the box as a representation of our sins being buried with Christ and as a symbol of releasing our loved ones into the Father’s hands.”
To Christian’s surprise, Hannah shot up from her seat first. He grasped her hand. “Do you want me to go with you?”
Hannah shook her head. “I need to do it on my own.”
With a strength Christian had never witnessed, he watched as his wife confidently approached the podium. The first three letters she’d read were to their little ones that she’d miscarried and Hannah had read them with a few tears. When she read the last one to Samuel’s boppli, he was certain there wasn’t a dry eye in the room.
Dear Little Sam,
Hello, Sweet One. You may not know me, but I am your Mamm. I look forward to the day we can meet face to face.
First of all, I want to say that I hope you’re happy up in Heaven with Jesus. I know it must be beautiful up there. I’m sure you’ve already met your brothers and sister. And your dat. I bet he was so excited to see you. He loves you very much.
I’m so sorry for ending your life. If there is anything in my life that I could go back and undo, that would be it. I’m sorry that I was selfish and valued myself and my life above yours. I’m sorry that I didn’t love and cherish you as a mother should. I’m sorry that I’ll never know you this side of Heaven.
Please forgive me.
One day I hope to give you the love that you should have had here. I look forward to the day I can hold you in my arms. If only I could do that now…
I know that I can’t, but because of what Jesus did for me, I know I will see you in Heaven one day.
Goodbye, Sweet One!
Mamm
After the final ceremony and burial, every couple was presented a brass plate for each of their aborted children and a brick for each child that had been miscarried. They were informed that the plaques and bricks could be imprinted with their children’s names and sent or taken to the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, Tennessee and affixed to the wall of names of lost innocents.
Christian determined that he would take Hannah to Tennessee and have their children’s names added to the thousands of others memorialized there.