Chapter 10
They barely spoke as they drove towards Jay’s place. It was isolated, a good twenty-minute drive from Jane’s house. The road trailed off from the highway, and a dirt road lead them up a winding path, past his old house where they’d had their disagreement on Monday afternoon.
Jay seemed distant again. His right hand was on the steering wheel, left elbow on the window sill, and he was chewing his left thumbnail.
“Sorry for inviting myself over.” Ashley bit the inside of her lip.
“Huh? Oh, that’s all right.” He shifted his weight.
“Do you ever get lonely out here?” Ashley looked around at the thick trees. It was getting close to 5 and the late afternoon sun gave everything a warm golden glow.
“I like it. I like my privacy, and I‘ve got Benson to keep me company.” He gave a half smile.
They drove up over a small rise and the house came into view.
Ashley gasped.
The trees seemed to open up and there was a magnificent view of the lake to their left. It was a two-story log house. The exterior was made from deep honey-colored lengths of horizontal timber. Upstairs had an enormous glass windowed wall overlooking the lake. A small chimney peeked over from the rear of the house. There was an inviting outdoors retreat area on the lake side of the house, with a large fire pit and three oversized outdoor sofas which would be fantastic at night. Across from that was a large red timber barn.
Benson came running over barking and wagging his tail from side to side excitedly.
It looked like something out of a home and lifestyle magazine. Picture perfect.
“Jay, this is amazing!” Ashley shook her head in disbelief.
“Thanks.” He smiled, and stopped the car.
“Did you really build all this?”
He nodded.
“It’s beautiful.” She stared out the car window at the house.
He opened his door and Benson jumped up on him, apparently glad to see him. Jay patted him and Ashley hopped out of the car. Benson came around to greet her too, not jumping on her—thankfully—but sniffing and wagging his tail.
“Come, Benson.” Jay patted his thigh and started walking towards the house.
Ashley followed.
There was a small front porch. It had a beautiful rustic appeal. Jay opened the front door.
“Was that unlocked?” Ashley asked.
“Yeah, I never lock it.” Jay held the door open for Ashley.
“Sorry about the mess, I wasn’t expecting visitors.” He reached up, scratching the back of his neck yet again. Ashley couldn't help but smile.
As she stepped inside she couldn't help but feel in awe. The interior was beautiful. So inviting and cosy.
“I’ll give you a quick tour, if you want,” Jay said. “Or I can just go and show you the gazebo?”
“No, I’d love to have a look around in here.” Ashley widened her eyes.
She still couldn’t believe he had created this masterpiece.
“Uh, this is my office.” He pointed to the right. “This is the spare bedroom, in here.” He pointed to the opposite side of the hallway they were in.
“There’s a laundry in there,” he said as they moved farther down the hallway. “And a bathroom in here.” He motioned to the left.
As they exited the hallway, the room widened to an open living space. His kitchen was to the right, furnished with dark, rich materials. A timber dining table big enough to seat eight people stood in the centre of the room, while a love seat, two oversized chairs and a television were off to the left of the room, along with a big stone fireplace. Six huge thick timber beams ran around the edges of the room.
Each of the three walls had a large window, letting in the light and providing a great view of the surrounding woods. The house felt like a part of the natural environment.
“Are you hungry?” Jay stood in the centre of the kitchen.
“A little, but it’s OK. I can wait til I get back to Mom’s house,” Ashley replied.
“I was hoping to be having leftover fish for dinner.” He smirked and Ashley giggled as she remembered throwing his dinner back into the lake the previous evening.
“But I was going to make risotto for dinner. I can make enough for two.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to put you out.” Ashley frowned.
“I was going to make it anyway, so you’re not putting me out.”
“OK, thank you. That would be lovely.” As she turned, she noticed the rear wall near the lounge was covered with photo frames. She placed her purse on the floor beside the wall and strolled over to take a look while Jay took a large copper pan down from the hooks hanging over the counter.
There were so many photos.
She recognised some of the faces. There was Bryan and Jess with the kids—Harley looked like he was only a newborn. Ashley smiled at the mop of thick black hair Harley had as a baby. There was a photo of Jay and Ashley at prom. She couldn't help but laugh at her dress. How quickly fashion changes, thankfully. Jay was thinner, with a crew cut. He wore a light gray suit with a bright blue bow tie—to match Ashley’s cobalt dress.
Jay saw her smiling. “Prom photo?” He cocked one eyebrow.
She nodded. “What were we thinking? I don't know how we made Prom King and Queen,” she said, turning back towards the photo.
“Because you were the most beautiful girl there.” Jay turned his attention to chopping an onion.
“Well, that's only because there were only a handful of girls in our class.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered if there were ten thousand girls in our class.” Jay started peeling a clove of garlic. That was a lovely compliment. Of course, that was nine years ago, and she had changed quite a lot since then. She was no longer the carefree, beautiful young woman she had been back in high school.
She spotted another photo she recognised. Her and Jay at the lake. She was in a red bikini and he was in his board shorts. He didn’t have any tattoos then, nor did he have as much body hair.
“I remember this day,” Ashley said, pointing at the photo “It’s the day I finally learned how to ski.”
“Yeah, that was a good day.” Jay smiled, keeping his eyes on the food he was preparing.
“Ha!” Ashley said. “You and I remember it very differently.” She turned towards him. “If I remember correctly this photo was taken about half an hour before you broke your foot and then were rushed to hospital and ended up having to have surgery to screw your bones back together.”
Jay laughed, still keeping his focus on the food. “Yeah, that was a painful lesson to learn.”
“What were you doing? Didn't you try to put your foot through the ski rope handle or something, while skiing barefoot?” She laughed.
He nodded. “I was trying to impress someone.” His cheeks began to turn red.
“Tsk-tsk. Always showing off in front of the ladies.” Ashley shook her head.
“Only one,” Jay said not raising his eyes.
Ashley’s heart seemed to quicken and she cleared her throat. She turned her attention back to the photos.
There was a photo of Jay and Benson, when Benson was a puppy. He was cute and fluffy, and his coat was a lighter color. There were photos of Jay with his dad, fishing.
A photo of his mother, holding Jay as a baby. She was beautiful, with auburn hair which reached all the way down to her waist. Big eyes and beautiful full lips—just like Jay’s.
She didn’t recognise the two men in the next photo at first, but as she looked closer she realized one of them was Jay. He was in an army uniform with his arm around the shoulders of another guy, also dressed in an army uniform. In the background were khaki tents in a dry, arid looking environment.
“What's this photo?” she asked, frowning.
“Which one?” Jay scraped the contents of the board into the frying pan and wiped his hands on the tea towel, then came over to stand beside her.
“Oh, that’s me and Mike.??
? He smiled as he stared at the photo.
“Mike?”
“When I was in the army.”
“Wait. When were you in the army?” She was surprised by this information, even though Meika had mentioned something about Afghanistan earlier.
“I joined up not long after you left,” he said, scratching the back of his head.
Ashley stared at him, waiting for him to elaborate further.
The stock began to boil and he returned to the kitchen to reduce the heat.
“You never told me that,” Ashley said, watching him.
“You never asked.” He shrugged. “It’s not like we kept in touch after you left.”
He had a point. She looked at the other photos. Lots of unfamiliar faces and places. There were photos of families—none of whom were familiar. There were a few photos containing landmarks that Ashley did recognise, like the Angkor Wat temple in Cambodia, an Aztec temple, and an old castle, which looked to be in Europe somewhere. Plus many, many others.
“Where are all these photos from?” she asked.
“Different places.” Jay shrugged, with his back to her as he stirred the rice.
“Who are all these people?” They looked foreign.
“Full of questions tonight.” Jay smiled over his shoulder at her.
“Well, you don’t give much away. I’m surprised at all this new information I’m discovering about you. This house, the army, travelling the world . . . I’m starting to think you’re an imposter. You seem like a completely different person.”
Jay laughed. “I’m the same person—but I am a different person.”
Well, that clarifies things.
“So are you going to tell me about these photos?” She pointed over her shoulder at them.
He nodded. “After dinner. If you really want to know, I’ll tell you.”
She raised her eyebrows.
Why was he being so mysterious and secretive?
As he placed the plate in front of her she felt hungry, and realized she hadn’t eaten since breakfast.
“Would you like something to drink?” he asked.
“Water is fine, thank you.” He got her a glass of cold water and came to sit opposite her at the table.
“This looks good. Thank you so much.” Ashley took a deep breath of the enticing aroma wafting up from her plate.
“Do you mind if I say grace?” Jay peered at her, raising his eyebrows.
Ashley’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. Was he serious?.
“Really?”
“Yeah.” He was keeping a straight face, so Ashley nodded.
“Uh, sure.”
He held out his hands and Ashley reluctantly placed her hands in his. They were warm.
He bowed his head.
She kept waiting for him to look up and laugh and say, “Got ya!” but he didn’t.
“Thank you, Lord, for our food and thank you for good company.” He shot Ashley a quick glance and smiled. “Amen.”
He let go of her hands.
Well that was bizarre. Almost as strange as the blind dress fitting earlier that day. She stared up at him.
“What?” he asked as he took a forkful of risotto.
“Nothing. I didn’t think you'd be the praying type of man.” She picked up her fork.
He smiled but didn’t say anything.
“So I guess you found Jesus or something?”
“Something like that.” His eyes thinned slightly. “You don’t believe in God?”
“No. I used to, but you know . . . things change, stuff happens and I guess I started believing in what was logical instead of what I’d been told as a child. Don’t get me wrong, I'm all for freedom of religion. You can believe in whatever you want—Jesus, Buddha, the flying spaghetti monster—whatever floats your boat. I think it’s nice people have something to turn to. I know mom still believes in God. I just don’t think it’s for me.” She took a forkful of the meal.
Jay didn't say anything, just watched her.
“Sorry, did that sound rude? I didn't mean it to sound offensive.”
“It’s all right.” A hint of a smile played on his lips. “You didn’t offend me.”
“It’s just that sometimes my mouth moves faster than my brain.”
He smiled and continued eating his meal in silence. She was glad her comments hadn’t caused an argument. She knew better than to argue with ‘religious’ people. It was a pointless conversation, mostly because she based her arguments on facts, logic and scientific evidence, whereas they based their opinions on faith and fairy tales. Even when presented with all the evidence, Christians would still point to the Bible and state that they believe in God because the Bible says he exists. That was like saying you believe in Santa Claus because you've read ‘The Night Before Christmas'’. It drove her crazy. She didn't know why, but for some unknown reason she got frustrated that Christians were so stubborn. Either that, or they were too stupid to recognise the truth when it was staring them in the face.
Each to their own.
“Oh, this is so good, Jay.” She gently tapped the fork against her plate. “I didn’t know you could cook. A man of many talents.”
Jay smiled.
“So who’s the spare room for?” Ashley took a sip of her water.
“A kid.”
“A kid?” Ashley frowned, puzzled.
“My kid, I should say,” he added and took another mouthful of the rice.
What?
Her eyes widened, confused. She rested her fork against her plate and leaned forward, staring at him. “Is this something else I don’t know?” Ashley asked. “You have a child?” She was genuinely shocked.
“Not yet.” He smiled, not giving much away.
“OK, so are you expecting a child sometime soon?” she asked, trying to get him to give more than two-word responses.
“No, but I’d like to have kids one day.”
She nodded. He was talking about future plans. “Oh, OK. Are you seeing anyone at the moment?” Nicole sprang to mind.
“No,” he replied.
“All right, because it usually helps if you have a partner when you want to have kids, you know.”
“I know.” Still with the short answers.
“So are you dating?” she asked, intrigued.
“No, I believe the right woman will come along when the time’s right.”
Ashley laughed. “Well if you're expecting the right woman to show up on your doorstep you might be waiting a while—unless you’ve purchased one of those mail order brides online or something.”
“I don’t mind waiting.” He shook his head and smiled mysteriously. “I’m a patient man.”
“I don’t mean to sound rude, but I don't think it works like that. If you want something in life, you have to go out and take it. You’re responsible for your own happiness. But good luck with it anyway.” She raised her eyebrows and returned to eating her dinner.
He has changed. He’s insane.
He didn't respond, as usual. He smiled politely, but she couldn't help but feel he had something going on in his mind. Some secret too mysterious to try to figure out.
They finished their dinner and Jay stood to take her plate.
“Thanks again. That was delicious. Can I help you clean up?”
“No, I’ll do it later on,” he said. “Do you want me to show you the gazebo now?”
“Actually, I’d rather you tell me about the photos.”
Jay nodded.
“If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. Am I being too nosey?” Ashley asked. Had she stepped over the line?
Jay laughed. “No, it’s all right. It's a pretty long story though?”
“That’s OK. I don’t have anywhere I need to be.”
He led her over to the photo wall.
“Well, not long after you left I tried to . . .” his voice trailed off. “Well, I tried to change things, but when I realized I couldn’t, I tried to change myself.
”
Ashley was unsure what he meant by that, but he didn't say anything more so she figured it must not have been too important.
“I finished my building trade then enlisted in the army.”
He pointed to the photo with Mike.
“I was deployed in 2007. That’s when I met Mike, on our first tour of Afghanistan. He was from Illinois. We became good friends.” Jay smiled at the photo. “We were over there for twelve months and nothing happened—it was nothing like I had expected. It was easy really. We were involved in a few missions but we didn't see much excitement and when we got home we thought, well, that was a piece of cake.” He shook his head smiling. “We were paid well, for sitting around in a dusty camp out in the desert for a year. Everyone praised us when we got home, and for some unknown reason we actually thought we were worthy of their praise. When people label you as a hero enough, you start to believe it. We figured if people wanted to put us up on a pedestal we weren't going to stop them—we were young and we had big egos. That’s when we got these tattoos.” He raised his shirt to reveal the tattoo which ran up the side of his rib cage and under his arm. It was a tribal pattern with the words ‘For those I love I will sacrifice.’
She recalled seeing that tattoo yesterday at the lake.
“Pretty silly when you think about it. We never had to sacrifice anything. Mike had a girlfriend who he had to leave behind, but I didn’t have anything. I’d had girlfriends, of course, but nothing serious or lasting.” He scratched the back of his neck and Ashley knew he was beginning to feel uncomfortable. More surprising was that the mention of girlfriends made her feel emotions she knew she had no right to feel.
“We went over for our second tour the following year—July 2008. Mike had proposed to his girlfriend and asked me to be his best man. But it was different this time.” His jaw tightened as he stared at the photo. “A few weeks in, we were sent to a neighbouring village. Mike was in the truck in front of mine and I remember I was sweating like crazy with all the gear you have to wear. It’s heavy, and it’s scorching hot over there. We were thinking it was just another perimeter check, and we’d already starting placing bets who would win that night’s card game.” He smiled, but it faded quickly.
“I remember seeing this flash of light and feeling a sudden rush of heat. I didn't hear the explosion until later—it was like it was delayed. I could feel the truck being lifted off the ground. I closed my eyes as we were hit, and when I opened them again I couldn't hear anything, except this ringing sound. We’d been ambushed. I kept shouting out to Mike. I saw him lying on the ground ahead of me so I crawled over to him. He wasn't moving and he was covered in blood. I tried shaking him but he didn’t respond. The medics came and said ‘he’s been shot,’ and it took me a while before I realized they were talking about me. I took a bullet right in my lung.” Jay said, rubbing his chest. “I kept telling them to help Mike, but he was already gone.”
Ashley realized she had been holding her breath. How did she not know this?
“They took me to the field hospital, and as soon as I was stable enough they flew me back to the States. I missed Mike’s funeral.” She saw his jaw clench again and he swallowed hard.
“After the surgery I developed pneumonia. It was pretty touch and go for a while, and they didn't think I was going to make it. I didn’t care, to tell you the truth. I had nothing of value to come home to. No one would miss me—I mean Dad would, sure, but I didn’t have a partner who needed me. I’d given up hope. But then Henry came to visit me.” Jay finally drew his eyes away from the photo and turned to Ashley.
“Henry? As in Henry, my grandfather?”.
Jay nodded. “He told me some of the stories from when he was in the Royal Navy, in the UK. Sometimes he came and sat beside me and didn't say anything at all. Just sat there. Sometimes he read to me—the Bible, of all books. He said he wouldn’t give up on believing in me and that unless I developed hope and a sense of purpose, I wouldn't make it through. I didn't know what he was talking about at first, but I looked forward to him visiting and he started to teach me more and more about living with purpose. I know it sounds crazy but that's how I came to know God—through Henry.”
Ashley nodded slowly.
“I asked Henry how he could believe in God. With so much suffering in the world, why doesn’t God do something to stop it? And he said to me, ‘Jay, I’m sure God would ask you that same question’.”
Ashley felt her eyes brimming with tears but she blinked them back, grateful Jay hadn’t seen.
“So I decided to live my life with hope.” He lifted his sleeve revealing the anchor tattoo.
“An anchor?” Ashley frowned. “I'm not following”
“Hope is an anchor for my soul,” he said. “It's from Hebrews.”
“I don’t know. Sometimes things don't work out regardless of how much hope you have.” Ashley thought of her father.
“It all depends on where you place your hope.”
“So you decided to travel the world?” Ashley asked, waving her hand towards all the photos on the world of different places and faces and changing the subject.
“Something like that. Each year I try to spend a bit of time where ever I feel I’m led to go—usually somewhere that has suffered devastation and needs help with rebuilding. That’s something I can actually help with. The earthquake in Haiti, landslides in Columbia, bush fires in Australia. There are always people in need—you only have to look around to see that.”
Ashley mouth dropped open. “Wait. So, you use your vacation time building in countries which have had natural disasters?”
“Part of it, not all of it. I figure if I’m willing and able, why not?” He turned to the wall of photos. “I’ve met some great people, and we’ve developed friendships that will last forever. It helps put life into perspective when you see all the chaos and destruction. But the thing I love the most is that even in all that darkness and despair, there is a light that shines through. When those who are suffering see the world reaching out to help them, they start to develop hope. That's what they need most, hope. So I get something in return. It might sound greedy, but it makes me feel better about myself, knowing that while I can’t change the world, I can make a difference.”
Ashley was speechless. She cleared her throat. “I don't know what to say. I feel horrible that I never knew this about you.”
“Would it matter if you had known?” Jay asked.
“Well, no. I don't know. Maybe. But I'm surprised Bryan or mom didn't tell me.”
“Maybe they thought it wasn't important. I’m sure you've had more important things to focus on.” Jay smiled lopsidedly.
She had thought so, but after hearing about Jay’s life for the last eight years, all her goals and actions seemed to fall short. A long way short.
“Don’t you have another tattoo? I thought I saw one on your chest as well. Are they someone’s initials?” she asked, mentally preparing herself to hear about a romantic partner.
“It stands for Awareness, Sacrifice, Dependency and Humility. It's from Thessalonians: ‘Aim to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands.’”
Ashley looked around at the house he had built. “Well you’ve certainly done that. But I didn’t think Christians were allowed tattoos. Isn’t that one of the commandments? Thou shalt not get tattooed?” She raised an eyebrow.
Jay smiled. “Fortunately God looks at the heart. It’s only man who judges by the outside appearance.”
“Aren’t you worried about what they’ll look like when you're old?” Ashley asked.
“Not really.” Jay shrugged. “I can’t imagine I’m going to be a cover model when I’m eighty.”
He could be wrong about that. She couldn't tear her gaze away from his smile, that same sensation she had felt in the bar on Saturday night. Pinned. She shook her head, clearing her mind and tried to find something to change the subject .
“Where's your room?” A
shley asked realizing she hadn't seen a door leading to his bedroom.
“Upstairs.” He headed towards a staircase that was behind them, between the wall to the laundry and the kitchen.
“Can I have a look?” Ashley asked, “I don’t mean to pry, but I’m curious. I saw that massive window when we were outside, so I’d love to check out the view. Do you mind?”
Jay shrugged. “If you want to.”
She nodded. She knew it was probably a little intrusive, but she was in awe of this house and wanted to explore it all.
As she climbed the steps she looked up to the wall in front of her. It was an exterior wall but it was one of the most unusual things she had ever seen. The entire wall was made of what appeared to be colorful glass bottles cemented into the wall.
“Wow, what is that?” She paused and looked back at Jay, who was still at the base of the stairs.
“Bottles,” he replied “I laid them on their side and incorporated them into the wall.”
It was breathtaking. The combination of the golden glow from the sun and the rainbow of colors shining in through the bottles made it feel as though she were in a dream world. She shook her head in disbelief.
“This is . . . I don't even have the words . . . I’ve never seen anything like this before.”
“Do you like it?” Jay asked.
“I love it!” She ran her fingers over the colored glass.
She saw something flash in his eyes. He seemed almost relieved that she approved. She turned and continued to the top. Upstairs was one big massive room, with a railing around the stairwell so she could see downstairs to the kitchen, dining and living area.
Again, the walls were raw timber planks, but a huge glass window nearly covered the front wall and two sides. His bed faced the window and the stunning view of the lake. A massive plush brown rug was thrown on the floor in front of his bed.
“No curtains?” Ashley lifted an eyebrow as she noticed the lack of window dressings, realizing he would be getting dressed—and undressed—in full view of anyone standing outside.
He shook his head. “No neighbours.” He grinned.
She felt herself blush.
The sun was sinking below the horizon creating a spectacular sunset which resembled a dreamy watercolor painting.
“What a view.” She sighed as Jay stood beside her, gazing out the window at the shimmering water. “I could get used to this. The view from my bedroom window is a brick wall.” She could feel Jays gaze upon her and she looked up at him. His eyes were full of questions and she was surprised to find herself feeling so comfortable with him. Especially considering she was standing in his bedroom.
There was silence except for the radio playing softly in the background downstairs. The last remaining rays of light danced on his face defining that strong jaw line and those deep, thoughtful eyes. Her breathing seemed irregular like she couldn't get enough oxygen and her skin felt warm.
Her phone rang and she jumped.
“Bryan.” She answered the phone, coming back to the present moment.
“Ash, we're at the hospital—”
“Don’t tell me Harley’s stuck another pea somewhere!” She looked up at Jay and smiled.
“No, Ash, it’s Grandpa. They think he’s had a heart attack. You better get down here.”
Ashley hung up the phone. A rush of fear shot down her spine.
“What is it? What's wrong?” Jay asked.
“It’s Grandpa. He's had a heart attack. Can you take me to the hospital?”
“Let’s go,” he replied.